This past week since last Wednesday has been the most difficult week in my life and I am 39, so I've been on this earth for a little while. It's hard to even put into words all of it.
At the end of September, I realized that I was pregnant. I was surprised and shocked that it happened. I honestly didn't think with my issues of pcos and endo along with being 39 it would happen, but it did. I can't do hormonal birth control due to an issue with blood clots and was always up front about that with my boyfriend. He doesn't have kids and was like, Hey if it happens it does, and if it doesn't it doesn't. After about a week of wrapping my mind around it all, I was really excited. The baby wasn't due until after graduation and I would use the summer to stay home with the baby and study for NCLEX. I figured around next September any way for getting a job and by then the baby would be old enough for either day care or me finding a job where I could work nights and my boyfriend stay home at night with the baby as my son started sleeping through the night around 4 mos. I thought this is actually good timing and we will make it work.
I took a home pregnancy test last Monday night although I was pretty clued in about 10 days before hand. I was waiting because with my son, I never got a positive home test, so I was waiting until I was around 6 weeks. It came back positive and me and my boyfriend cried with happiness. It was perfect. Everything was perfect.
My miscarriage started on Wednesday. Heavy bleeding and pain. I went to the er. They called it a threatened miscarriage. My HCG levels were very low. Only a 39. I was devastated. I cried in my boyfriend's arms all day and night. On Thursday, I was scheduled for clinical on the Labor and Delivery floor. I was emotionally a mess. The doctor wrote me a note to excuse me. I could not go there. It was too much. I let my instructor know. She told me just to rest and follow doctor's orders. I woke up Thursday morning at 6am in exruciating pain and vomiting. I thought I was going to pass out. Sweat was pouring off of me. I could not even stand up straight. Back to the ER I went. They confirmed I was miscarrying. HCG levels were lower. My heart was broken. I had never experienced a loss like this before. My entire body hurt from the pain of losing this baby. I was so proud to be having his baby. He is truly my soulmate. I have never been loved the way he loves me and so this baby was going to be different. My son is from my 15 year marriage to an emotionally and mentally abusive man. My son is my light. I love him more than anything, it's just that this was going to be different because of my love for my boyfriend. He's my best friend. We always have each other's backs. We are true partners. I felt I was letting him down.
Monday, I had to go back to class. My head was still not in a good place, but I could not miss. My instructor informed me that I would not be allowed to make up my clinical hours. She said it would not affect my grade, but it just wasn't about that. I wanted the experience. I'm not getting much hospital time this semester. I'm already worried that I have no where near the experience to become a RN next year and now I am missing a whole day of clinical. It broke me down more. How much more could I take?
Then, I dropped my phone in the toilet and destroyed that. Trying to buy my boyfriend's birthday present turned into a huge 3 hour ordeal when the register froze up in the middle of the transaction and my bank would not help to release a hold on my money for a transaction that did not occur. I thought I was going to lose it in there. After being transferred twelve million times, it was crazy, I cannot even tell you. I couldn't record lecture this past Monday because of my phone not working. I have a test next week.
Last night was a good night. I went to my boyfriend's house and we ordered a good dinner. He let me cry and told me he was always here and he's not going anywhere. There were times in my anger I took it out on him and he took it like a trooper. He was amazing throughout this whole process and I know he is heart broken too. We finally laughed again last night. I found myself driving down the road singing along and dancing again. I thought maybe this does get better, maybe my heart is healing.
I'm going to make it. I will get my case study done tomorrow, and get an A on my test on Monday. I will get through this heartache and I will be stronger. I will become that empathetic nurse that I have always wanted to be. The ER doctor and nurse I had last Thursday were incredible. They held my hand and dried my tears. They told me there was nothing I could have done. Their treatment of me inspired me even more to want to be like them. That is the kind of difference I am determined to make.
