Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

Nurses General Nursing

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the other "things you'd like to tell" threads have been so great -- how about one more?

to the daughter of today's patient: i understand back pain, believe me. i've had the surgery and was off work for six months. don't tell me you're having such severe back pain that you need to sit in my chair -- the one that reaches all the way up to the computer keyboard -- instead of the visitor's chair (which i hunted high and low to find for you since we only have two on the whole 16 bed unit) when you're walking around in 5 inch stilettos. if your back pain were really that bad, you'd be wearing danskos like me. (or any type of shoe that doesn't involve a 5 inch -- or even 3 or 4 inch heel!) sit in the visitor's chair and be grateful that i found it for you. i'm sure your feet do hurt. again, try some more sensible shoes.

yes, your daughter does have dark skin on her forehead. it's the same color as the skin on the rest of her body. i assumed that was because she was african american, but you tell me she wasn't that color before her heart surgery? i'm baffled. no, i don't know what we can do about it, but i'm sure we didn't cause it. if you want to bring in cocoa butter to rub on her forehead, that's fine with me. you can put anything on her forehead you like, but i guarantee you she'll still be an african american when we discharge her. (oh, that's a picture of your daughter on the wall? she has bangs, but otherwise she looks the same color in the picture as she does right now. if i were you, i'd be more worried about the ventilator and the left ventricular assist device.)

anyone else?

Specializes in Corrections, Cardiac, Hospice.

If you think I am starving and/or killing your loved one with morphine and you just know that they would be better off at home, then by all means, take them. I will call the ambulance to transport and DME to have the bed delivered, yes, I can do that tonight.

Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

Yes, I am asking you to keep your leg straight because I like to torture people. It has nothing to do with that sheath in the second largest artery in your body.

Specializes in L&D.

Your advice is not only unhelpful, it is WRONG. No, your precious 15 year old angel who's pregnant should not start pushing as hard as she can when her cervix is only dialated to 3cm. Yes, I really do know what I am talking about.

Stop giving such bad advice, or go home. Or even better, do both.

Use the freaK**g call bell! Do not stand in the doorway and tell me to "get him a gown". I've got a box of morphine in my hand and my patient needs pain control more than your brother needs a clean gown. Hell, pick one up off the linen cart and do it yourself. Your brother is flat out lazy. He's been cleared by PT to walk unlimited distances, can have a full diet and can walk to the nursing station for ice and juice but why should he when he gets you to do it all for him?

Oh, and by the way, he's going home tomorrow, hope you enjoy being his slave because you sure as sh*t are not promoting his independence.

Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

Your husband is an @$$####.

Specializes in Emergency & Trauma/Adult ICU.

To the family member who was a drug rep ... who interrupted his holding up the doorway of his mother's room to physically put his hands on the EKG machine I was pushing down the hallway to ask, "who makes that?" (the machine):

I don't give a rat's ass about your curiousity about the market share of various equipment vendors right now. Stopping me in the hallway like this is about as physically aggressive as you can be without actually touching me, so get your hands off this machine IMMEDIATELY. I'm about to do a 12-lead on a pt. who is suddenly having active chest pain & looks like crap. You have 2 seconds to let go before I run you over.

(what I actually did, to save time, was to give him my Death Stare while pulling the machine out of his grip and making the left wheels do a wheelie to get around him without running over his foot)

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for a waitress---NO, I don't have napkins on my med cart, and NO, I don't have time to run all the way down to the kitchen to fetch them for you. Do you see this syringe I'm holding here? That spells N-U-R-S-E.

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for a secretary---NO, I can't transfer you to Mrs. Smith's room, she doesn't have a phone, and NO, I can't just pull an extra phone out of a non-existent drawer and go plug it in, and NO, I'm not going to call the phone company and have a line put in, that's up to her family. And HELL NO, I'm not going to stand there and hold the cordless up to her ear while you talk to her for half an hour---I've got 26 other people to take care of!!

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for the janitor---NO, I can't stop my med pass to straighten your mother's bedside table and mop the floor, and NO, it's not my job to clean toilets.

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for the administrator---NO, I don't know how the cable TV contract works, and NO, I'm not going to call the cable company to find out for you because a) I've got 12 blood sugars to check and insulins to give, and b) it's Saturday, and they're CLOSED, duh.

Sorry, you must have mistaken me for a miracle worker---NO, I can't 'fix' your dad, he's 83 years old, demented, and he's dying because he spent half his life inside a bottle, smoked like a chimney until last year, and ate half a pound of bacon every morning for longer than I've been alive. He's had a longer life than many who took far better care of themselves..........I can keep him comfortable, but I'm NOT going to advocate for a feeding tube.

I'd swear you work on my unit but you are in the US. That sounds just like Monday shift.

Nice to know that idiot families are found on both sides of the 49th.

marla, to simplify:

"sorry, but you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a crap."...

followed w/sincere smile and trot on your merry way.:lol2:

leslie :nurse: (

NO, just because I am some random person in scrubs walking in the entrance to the hospital to the time clock do not try to palm off on me your family member with IV pole that you have snuck out for a smoke break. YOU took him out on the smoke break YOU deliver him back to whatever floor (and it is not mine) that he belongs to.

No, I really don't care.

Here is one mg of ativan......take it, sit down, and quit bugging me!!!!

(Oh how I wish this was legal....and a nursing order.)

Specializes in LTC/Rehab, Med Surg, Home Care.

No, I'm not going to stop my charting to find a vase for your flowers. Yes, they are nice and I'm sure you're loved one will like them. But I could care less, I'm busy. Go ask housekeeping.

No, I don't know the directions to the three other long term care facilities in town.

No, I don't have a list of the restaurants in town, get a phone book or call 411 from your cell. I don't live in the town I work in--and I don't eat out every meal I work.

No, I don't have the guest password for the internet, sorry, but they don't tell nurses things like that because they are afraid we might use it to surf the internet.

Yes, I will kick your butt out of this room if you don't let me give your father--who is going to die TODAY--pain medication. See how he's moaning and groaning with his eyebrows all furrowed together like that? That IS a sign of pain even if you can't tell--so get out of my way. I'd scream too if you were singing that hymn to me...Seriously you think the morphine will kill him before the cancer?

It's none of your business why anyone else is here--you expect me to keep your loved ones information private, don't you? Have the same respect for your mom's roommate.

Why couldn't I keep your mom from falling? Maybe it's because she has end-stage dementia and has no clue where she is or even who she is for that matter. If you recall, you had a problem with the alarms, asking if "it's really necessary." And YOU take if off when you're here, don't tell staff, and then forget to put it back on when you leave. Half hour later we find her on the floor.

Why hasn't that coccyx wound healed yet? How did your wife get that? Oh yeah, that's from YOU leaving her home alone in bed all day until she "fell" and managed to break a marble table with her head. Still can't believe the investigation didn't come up with anything....amazing how alert she is now that she eats 3x a day, has decent medical care, and manages to even remember her caregivers by name. Under your care she was malnourished, sick, and dehydrated. Came from YOUR home with stage 3 pressure wounds to her coccyx, and stage two to both heels. Amazing how interactive she is with the other residents and staff when YOU are not around.

Yeah, I'm a little worked up over that last one...this woman has clearly been abused for years by her spouse, he tries to bully the nurses all the time. No respect for women at all. This lady is so sweet, I just love her...I hate the thought of her going home with this jerk. He freaks out if he's there and we aren't in the room as soon as the light goes on. Take a look in the mirror jerk.

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