Things You'd Like To Tell Visitors . . . . and get away with it

Nurses General Nursing

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the other "things you'd like to tell" threads have been so great -- how about one more?

to the daughter of today's patient: i understand back pain, believe me. i've had the surgery and was off work for six months. don't tell me you're having such severe back pain that you need to sit in my chair -- the one that reaches all the way up to the computer keyboard -- instead of the visitor's chair (which i hunted high and low to find for you since we only have two on the whole 16 bed unit) when you're walking around in 5 inch stilettos. if your back pain were really that bad, you'd be wearing danskos like me. (or any type of shoe that doesn't involve a 5 inch -- or even 3 or 4 inch heel!) sit in the visitor's chair and be grateful that i found it for you. i'm sure your feet do hurt. again, try some more sensible shoes.

yes, your daughter does have dark skin on her forehead. it's the same color as the skin on the rest of her body. i assumed that was because she was african american, but you tell me she wasn't that color before her heart surgery? i'm baffled. no, i don't know what we can do about it, but i'm sure we didn't cause it. if you want to bring in cocoa butter to rub on her forehead, that's fine with me. you can put anything on her forehead you like, but i guarantee you she'll still be an african american when we discharge her. (oh, that's a picture of your daughter on the wall? she has bangs, but otherwise she looks the same color in the picture as she does right now. if i were you, i'd be more worried about the ventilator and the left ventricular assist device.)

anyone else?

Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

Congratualtions! That's the stupidest question anyone's asked me all week! You win the prize! What's the prize, you ask? Well, bend over and you'll find out!

Specializes in Utilization Management.

No, you may not threaten to hit me because you begged me to tell you your a/o x3 relative's lab results when she asked us to keep it confidential.

No, doctor, I don't care if that IS your mom in the other room and you are a world-reknowned doc, you are not the treating doc and you may not write orders into the chart. No.

Yes, I am asking you to keep your leg straight because I like to torture people. It has nothing to do with that sheath in the second largest artery in your body.

I know!!!:lol2: I love it when visitors ask me why I am making their family member stay in bed when they have an 8 French sheath hanging out of their leg. I had a patient the other day that actually told his wife to shut up and go home because she kept asking me about the sheath and the bedrest. He said "Shut up and go home, you're bothering my nurse!!" It was so hard to keep from busting out laughing! The best part is that she actually left. I :heartbeat my patients.

Don't MDs prescribe morphine 'off label' as a respiratory depressant for already compromised terminal patients to hasten death? They will increase the amount if the patient is 'restless'.

Or am I misunderstanding?

I'm sure lots of people request extra morphine for their in-laws. ;)

Dr. Kevorkian does, um, I mean did, you know, before they sent him to prison.

Specializes in LTC/Rehab, Med Surg, Home Care.

No, I'm not going to stop my NURSING duties to go and get an extra bowl/napkin/cup/spoon for the giant ice cream cone you bought across the street. Perhaps you should have asked the FOOD VENDOR you purchased said item from for these items--I hear they have a nice stock of these things.

We have a popular ice cream store across the street and they have huge servings. Every summer we get people who walk in with dripping cones who expect the nurses run and get them extra dishes. I have actually told some people while I'm passing medications that I can't stop what I'm doing and directed them to the kitchen. One lady just stood there and then finally said "Well can't you?" I politely said no, I'm sorry I can't stop what I'm doing....she rolled her eyes and went to the kitchen.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

"i know it's very stressful for you, with your "baby" in the hospital and all, but no you cannot come in to visit unless the security guard comes with you. it wasn't my fault, ma'm. it has something to do with how you told the night nurse you were going to 'kick her (bad word that means donkey).' bless my nurse manager, she took that very seriously."

"i understand that you're entitled to carry a gun because you're an officer of the law,but when you come in here carrying your gun and threatening the nursing staff, it makes us somewhat nervous. security will be escorting you to the front door now."

"i'm sorry you're chilly, ma'm. the thermostat in the room is set to 65 degrees because your daughter has a fever (temp 39.9) and every time the room goes above 65 degrees she gets hot and takes off her gown. every visitor who passes by her room doesn't need to see all eight of her lovely tattoos. this is the same conversation we had yesterday, and i advised you to bring a sweater today because we only have enough blankets for our patients. if perhaps you were wearing something besides a halter top slit to your naval, shorts so short we can see your crease and 5 inch stillettos, you might not be as chilly."

"drawing blood cultures is not assault if the patient has signed consent to have blood cultures drawn."

"hello, officer. let me get my nurse manager to explain to you that the patient signed a consent for the procedure but her sister accused (falsely) the provider of assault when the procedure was done. no, sir. i don't have time to explain the whole thing to you because i'm here to take care of the patient, and right now she's freaking out because her sister called the police."

Specializes in Medical.

That must have been some shift, Ruby!

Specializes in neurology, cardiology, ED.

"No, I cannot give you the results of your father's head CT. Why? Well, first of all, because I'm not his doctor, and therefore not allowed to interpret the CT. Second of all, because you are not his designated health care proxy, and it is against the law. Third, and most importantly of all, because your father is still at his head CT, as I told you when you first asked, and I can't predict the results of a test while it is still happening!

Specializes in Orientation hahahaha.

Stop helping!!!! I realize you worked in a nursing home.

You don't need your robe, i will make sure you are covered!

Please get out of the way miss you are in the way of the patients walker!

You don't need to brush you hair right now!

Please sit up on the side of the bed, you are in a bad position, remember how we said to do this? Ok my back is hurting, you have to sit up... You are killing my back and knees. Sit up!!!!

So you just come here an hour a day and complain?

Specializes in L&D.

I can tell the difference between a boy and a girl. I'm sorry that the nursery is painted pink and that you've got a department store's worth of girlie clothes at home, but the baby is STILL a boy. Yes, I'm absolutely sure, I'm a well trained medical professional and have developed the skill to identify a member when I see one. Hope you kept the receipts.

Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

No, she cannot have a sandwich. She is on clear liquids. I don't care if you don't think her daughter should be allowed to visit. She is mentally competent and can state for herself who she would and would not like to see. Please do not eavesdrop on my telephone conversations. There is a reason I stepped out of the room to take this call, and it is none of your business. No, she cannot have some crackers. Crackers are not a clear liquid. I will get her some Jello as soon as I have hung the blood. Now stop talking to me and go sit down on that little green couch over there that they put in here for family members so I can get her blood transfusion started. I have no desire to do chest compressions on her ninety pound body, and I have no desire to lose my nursing license when you sue me for malpractice when she codes because I didn't get the blood hung fast enough because you wouldn't leave me the frack alone!

Specializes in Dialysis, Nephrology & Cosmetic Surgery.

I would rather have no interaction with some of them at all. I would like there to be a trap door in the floor where they have to stand to use the intercom - when you see the on the CCTV who it is just press a button to release the doors and a slide takes them to the bus stop!

:yeah::yeah:

I can dream!

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