Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

[Trixxy]

Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary!

Anybody got anything to add?

[tlhubbard]

Things I've learned not to do:

To be given NPO instructions and come in and tell your pre-op nurse you got up and had peanut M&M's, your medication with MILK and a Tums while you were registering out front

To SWEAR that your pre-op nurse is wrong about your smelling of alcohol and let her get everything ready for a tox screen and then leave as she comes into the room.

Try to get your post-op nurse to check out your GIGANTIC member that you just had warts removed from because at 17 there are no rubbers made to fit you.

To tell your pre-op nurse that you have a history of chest pain. When asked when the most recent episode was tell her "NOW" and be worked up and sent to see a cardiologist in the building. But stopping across the hall for a healthy breakfast of sausage gravy, eggs and bacon before seeing the cardiologist.

Do not take the B/P of a family member of your pre-op patient. Quickly the family member can take priority (not to mention a transfer by squad)

You CAN use a penile implant immediately after placement during your 23 hour post-op observation. (ps no need to stop just because someone wants to check your vitals)

You can also continue to use toys with above mentioned implant and place them on the bedside table:eek:

You can come in for your arch bars and extractions from your bar fight with your FRIEND and because you were nervous thought you'd take the edge off with a little crack cocaine. Ask your nurse how many extractions you're scheduled for and proceed to tell her that while under the effects of the crack you decided to remove the teeth yourself. Then tell her your ride home from outpatient surgery will be the local bus system and you're going home to your 14 year old daughter and her 1 year old baby (I felt like I should be raising the roof and yelling "JERRY JERRY JERRY")

Your nurse will turn you into child protective services when you hold your son's member (which has a rash--along with the hands and rectum) and pretend you are going to bite it.(while making a MMMMM sound) weirdo

Do not joke about being crazy and hearing voices when your post-op patient is on psyche meds for hallucinations and her daughter is a psyche nurse.(not me)

(that's the ones I can think of off hand)

Here's a doozy I forgot:

Never run to your demented patient who is diabetic to QUICKLY finger swipe the chocolate out of her mouth and realize she's been diaper digging. (CNA friend of mine)

Never let a bilateral (non weight bearing) post-op leave without underwear and then try to help get her legs in the car.

DO NOT ask the triage nurse who is assessing a circular saw injury to a leg when your snot nosed kid will get seen for his cold!!!

DO NOT order our for pizza delivery into the ER room of your NPO child.

Do not expect when you are with your sick child in the ER that your car will still be in the parking lot where you left it when you are ready to leave (this actually happened)

[K205]

Oh Urk! Ew, Yuck, ! (but strangely funny) We are a jaded lot, aren't we?

Felching is when you don't use a straw. Shrimping is when you do use a straw. Sort of like the difference between drinking from the can vs. a glass.

http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb066&pp=ZRXXXXXXXXUS

[LPN1038]

when your patient is screaming in agony during her first labor, do not threaten her to be quiet "or i'll have you're mommy come in here to spank you!"

-my nurse told me this when i was giving birth to my daughter...

[HeartsOpenWide, RN]

If you are borrowing your friends chain saw and the tree you are cutting down starts to fall in your direction, do not use your body as a shield to protect the chain saw because you do not want to have to replace it.

The spermicidal Jelly does not go on your morning toast.

[galenight, BSN, RN]

Here' a couple as firearm deer season approaches:

Do not climb up to and use an abandoned tree stand that has obviously been sitting for years. The stability of this old structure may be compromised by time and you may fall, breaking your back.

Do not forget to uncock your gun while you are climbing down from a tree stand with your firearm at your side. You may bump it, causing it to discharge and nearly blow your foot off (your favorite left one). You will then know the joy of a helicopter ride. Who knew air could be so bumpy?

Do not break your leg while falling out of a tree stand and then have your buddies drive you, in 20 degree weather, about 40 miles to the hospital in the back of an open pickup truck. The cold does not numb the pain, nor does the frostbite on the ears.

Moral of the story: Do not use a tree stand.

[RosesrReder, BSN, MSN, RN]

Haven't quite finished the entire thread, but love it.

[Goldenhare]

Me-First year student in clinicals. I'm looking to assess pedal pulses in my patient and can't, for the life of me, find pts left pedal pulse. (I'm thinking-wow, this is bad! I must be doing this totally wrong!!) After awhile, my pt says, "Is anything wrong?" " No, I said, I'm just having difficulty locating the pulse in your left foot." So he says "OH!! That must be where I put the ax through my foot when I was 8!" UUUUHHHHH! YEAH- That would be it!!

Lesson learned-an ax through the foot CANNOT be a good idea!

[traumamomtx]

Never take a stick and jam it in your ear a 10 times trying to kill the centipede that crawled in there while you were sleeping at the camp site (messy messy infection)

Never let your husband tie you to the bed in the hospital because you practice S&M at home and call him "MASTER". This was definitely the talk of the hospital.

[EmilyCCRN]

My classmate told me this one...it happened on her first day of L&D clincals:

Don't be a 17-year old girl who denies drug use during pregnancy (the tox screen was positive and a cocaine binge is what put her into labor) who calls her drug dealer while she's in active labor to bring her her next fix, then have the drug dealer show up at the nurses' station loudly announcing "I'm here with so-and-so's fix. What room is that b**ch in?" It makes it really hard to convince family services that you're "really sorry" that you gave birth to a drug-addicted baby and that you're no longer using drugs.

[Mermaid]

Don't come to the ER complaining for chest pain to try to get a medical excuse to miss work so that you can attend the playoffs that day. You may end up with a nasty headache from the nitro and a "fun" trip the the cath lab.... and end up missing the play offs anyway because you spent the day in the hospital (arent we more fun anyway?) Oh but you will receive a work excuse for your fun filled day.

Don't fire into the air BB guns smashed full of that confetti from the party poppers you just popped and THEN allow your 10 year old son to have his turn. He may accidently shoot you in the eye which you will have to have removed.... it might ruin your Christmas day.

Also, keep in mind that a BB gun is still a weapon and should be empty when you clean it. It may go off and a BB can get lodged in your sinus cavity and must be surgically removed. AND... no matter how much you blow your nose it will not dislodge that said BB and you should not wait for 4 days to come to the ER... things tend to get rather ICKY

It is not a good idea to ask the mother of your baby and longtime girlfriend to be a good girl and run out and buy some red roses for the sexy nurse taking care of you in the ER..... regardless of the fact that you have been awake drinking and using cocaine for the past three days. She will NOT understand and may cause more chest pains then when you first arrived to the hospital.

[ntshftrn]

Never try to remove a tampon with a pair of needle nose pliers-and if you do, dont get aggitated when the doctor takes an hour to sew you up and tells you "no sex" for six weeks:lol_hitti

[sweetielin]

never call the ambulance to have someone come to your house and check to see if you are dead.:stone

btw, loving this thread.