Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

LoriAlabamaRN · Dec 9, 2005

:roll Oh dear Lord...Pray tell that person left with everything intact!!!!

Actually, believe it or not, I almost did the body-jewelry-thru-the-MRI thing! I had never had an MRI, had only had my belly button pierced for two weeks, and new nothing about nursing or medical procedures (I was working as a secretary at the time.) When the MRI guy told me to change into the gown and remove my jewelry, he did not tell me why. I never thought about my belly ring, simply took off my necklace and earrings. As I was lying on the table, with the guy in the back booth, suddenly I see this sign attached to the front of the MRI above the "tunnel" with a picture of an earring being ripped out and a sign stating WARNING! DUE TO STRONG MAGNETIC FORCE... yada yada yada. I shrieked "STOP!!!!" and the guy stopped it (I had actually begun moving into the tunnel at this point) and I told him. He said it was a darn good thing I had seen that sign, and that he didn't mean to leave out the explanation for removing the jewelry. He did tell me that he wouldn't leave it out again!

Lori

elizabells, BSN, RN · Dec 10, 2005

If you are having an MRI done, we REALLY need to know about those "personal" piercings.

And this is how my momma found out about my, um, nipple rings. I was actually sort of relieved when I couldn't get them back in afterwards!

A new one: Really, really, REALLY don't give your baby honey. No, even if your "doctor" says it's a good remedy for thrush.

Annabelle57 · Dec 13, 2005

from a dear, unfortunate friend of mine:

when your dear, elderly auntie who has not seen you for several years comes up to give you one of her bear hugs, this is not a good time to suddenly "forget" that you were cleaning your ears with q-tips and leave them in as she goes to embrace you.

:uhoh3:

Kristyn, RN · Dec 15, 2005

If you're admitted to LTC, please do not ingest your diamond cocktail ring to keep your daughter from taking it home with her. (No one witnessed this.) When your daughter comes in and notices it missing, do not let her get all in a tizzy as she accuses the staff of stealing said ring. When you say you "swallered it," do not be surprised when we have to do xrays. Finally, when you have the ring fished out of it's cozy nesting in your throat, do not let your daughter tell the nurse "make sure you clean it well, I don't want a rusty ring!"

Jeez!

kersti · Dec 16, 2005

NEVER EVER use a Vacuum Cleaner that has no close off valve between the motor/turbine and the tubing to masturbate....it could get really ugly! (yes, way back when, they did use to make that type of thing)

NEVER EVER stick a hamster into a condom and then shove the whole thing up your orifice....it could get even more ugly!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Cucumbers are for eating....

Coke bottles are meant to be drunk from.....try not to break them off in the darker orifices of your body!:rotfl:

gr8rnpjt, RN · Dec 16, 2005

Make sure that the PCA button is in your hand BEFORE you sit back down on the bed. Those things wind up 8 inches up the lady parts SO easily!
Do not have sex in a rocking chair post-op.
Vases are uncomfortable in the rectum.
Crisco, believe it or no, is not a good cure for lady partsl dryness.
Vaporub is not a good thing to use to prolong an erection (more like KILL the mood).
A small rose tattoo on the breast will eventually be a long- stemmer.
Um, gross!:barf01:

yvonnemuse, BSN, RN · Dec 16, 2005

a LTC pt taught me not to eat the eggs the finches in your room laid in their cage

kadokin, ASN, RN · Dec 17, 2005

a LTC pt taught me not to eat the eggs the finches in your room laid in their cage

And while we are on the subject of eggs, do not let food svc put boiled eggs on the trays of your pts who have swallowing/respiratory/sedation/confusion issues. Those dry old things can cause a LOT of problems. If it were up to me, they would be banned from the facility. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but have seen them cause too many scary situations.

yvonnemuse, BSN, RN · Dec 17, 2005

Do not pull your nurse in bed with you " for being so kissable" by her hair and when she yellls for help, insist you were being molested and ask to speak to administration.

Do not leave your 6 month old baby while visiting your 88 year old grandfather who was admitted to the floor after wandering off and suffering resulting hypothermia while you run outside for a smoke the care of same gentleman.

Do not use your vibrator at night when you have a roomate. Said roommate may insist she hears wasps and end up with a Psych consult.

elizabells, BSN, RN · Dec 18, 2005

Do not use your vibrator at night when you have a roomate. Said roommate may insist she hears wasps and end up with a Psych consult.

This? Funniest. Thing. Ever.

TennNurse · Dec 19, 2005

Some recent lessons, for which I am profoudly grateful:

Following a delicious dinner of Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches, should you and your honey decide to copulate, you might ask that he wash his hands thoroughly prior to commencing foreplay. The labia is no place for cayenne pepper.

If you have been been seen for a UTI and received rxs for abx and Pyridium, you probably also were given instructions to avoid intercourse. This includes receiving oral sex, since Pyridium will, apparently, render your partner's tongue numb. Should you decide to proceed anyway, try not to be in a tent 100+ miles from the nearest hospital or clinic.

Following your ambulance ride to the ER, when you c/o "11 on a scale of 10" abd pain, do not be surprised when the MD palpates your belly. Surely this cannot come as such a shock that you actually slap said MD.

When asked for your pain on a scale of 1-10, please make every effort to remain within that scale. Answers of "Eleven" or "A hundred" will not amuse the nursing staff or get you medicated more quickly.

Do not read the "Good Housekeeping" article and come in and lie to your triage nurse. She's read the same article.

While in the midst of a shoulder reduction, if you need more Versed, just say so. Delivering a kick to your nurse's knee will not have the desired result, especially if that same nurse has recently endured a kick from a horse to that same knee. You may find that your MD's attention quickly shifts away from you and focuses on the nurse.

If you feel strongly about having a private room in the ER, maintain a firm distance from soap and water for at least one week prior to going to the ER. If at all possible, the staff will not subject any other patient to sharing a room with your BO. Beware, however, that said staff will not be particularly enthusiastic about entering your room, either.

Never, ever, ever bite a dog, or anything else with sharper teeth than you have.

When you present to the ER with c/o STD exposure, and the nurse tells you that she will be giving you a shot in your behind, she will only need to see your behind. Displaying your genitalia instead only prolongs this process, and the nurses have other things to do.

The microwave is the worst possible cooking method when trying to boil an egg.

Everyone appreciates an honest attempt to be helpful. When the nurse has applied a tourniquet to your arm and is searching for a vein, pointing to a vein and remarking, "That's the one I always use" is more helpful than you can imagine. Don't, however, cuss the nurse when she decides to start your IV in a different vein.

The things they don't teach you in nursing school!!!

nursejohio, ASN, RN · Dec 29, 2005

bump