Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.

Never use a rubber band and Saran Wrap as a condom (i can't imagine the dude that wore this). Otherwise, the act of sex can push this invention where the sun doesn't shine.

Never think that it's possible to do a backflip off of the second floor balcony of a frat house, and expect no injury.

Never suggest to your girlfriend that she ought to bring her best friend to the bedroom with her (the idiot that suggested this wound up having to get 4 front caps on his teeth and a reconstruction of his nose. It'll never look the same again).

Never try to drive your car using your 5th extremity (it was a guy that did this, use your imagination:stone). Still can't believe he fessed up to that.

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Never sit at the bedside of your 75yo post-surgical mother and decide that if she isn't conscious to push her PCA pump button that you ought to push it for her as often as you can "so she doesn't wake up hurting." She might not wake up at all.

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Don't wait for the IV nurse to show up to tell your nurse that you just gave all your money to the man that just left to get your IV drug fix. (Really makes the IV nurse not want to get your line started):nono:

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never put anything frozen into warm mucous mebranes

If the side of your neck is swollen, sore, and hot to touch, never let your boyfriend massage it with vaseline

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forgot one..

when told to give a urine drug screen, never put hand soap in the container to "clean" your urine.. when shaken it bubbles up terribly... I can only imagine what happens when it's in the centrifuge.

and when you want to auscultate bowel sounds in children, make sure they remove all talking toys from their pockets first... how did Peekachoo get in there?

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Don't drink a pint of whiskey, decide to climb a tree at 3 am to spy on your neighbors, then cut the limb in which you are sitting off with a chainsaw. Gravity truly is amazing!:chuckle

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Specializes in Internal Medicine Unit.
:uhoh3: Do not store your pet's medications in the kitchen cabinet beside your own meds. My father did this and took the dog's phenobarb by mistake. He slept a long while, but was otherwise fine.
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Considering how germy they are, WHY would someone want a rodent up their rectum??

yeah, and your bum's so clean!

should point out that i say this as marie's comment made me think it, and not because i condone the insertion of small, fluffy creatures into dark and gloomy places.

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Specializes in Picu, ICU, Burn.

Don't go to ED complaining of chest pain if you're just gonna order a meat lover's pizza and eat the whole thing in the CCU awaiting your cath in the morning. True story I swear!!!

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Specializes in Internal Medicine Unit.
Don't go to ED complaining of chest pain if you're just gonna order a meat lover's pizza and eat the whole thing in the CCU awaiting your cath in the morning. True story I swear!!!

I've seen so much of this! Just insert their favorite food. Makes you a true believer in Braslow's Hierarchy of Needs (sp?):wink2:

Here's a couple:

Remove the vacuum cleaner from the utility closet before you climb up through the attic access. Otherwise, you may find yourself in surgery for a repair that you'd rather not talk about that includes a colostomy.

Never call 911 from your hospital room to report that the nurses are trying to kill you. They just call the nurse's desk, and we all have a good laugh at your expense.

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I came up with one from Saturday noc, after a set of circumstances left me alone on the unit (20 patients) for 8 hours without a CNA:

Never, never call the front desk to report that you want the overhead light cord tied to your call light cord at 0300, because the nurse "forgot" to do it before heading out to see whose TABS monitor was alarming and to round up the dementia patient who was ransacking the nurses station.

Thank God it's Monday! I don't have to be back until Friday night!

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Specializes in LTC.

If you are having an MRI done, we REALLY need to know about those "personal" piercings.

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:roll Oh dear Lord...Pray tell that person left with everything intact!!!!

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