Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Jan 8, 2004

I had a similar experience Renee. It was with my first one, Laurel. Back then they still gave enemas when you were in early active labor. Well, yours truly got one right after I had eaten a wonderful tray of food. :eek: Then it began. I wound up sitting on the toilet, pooping my lower guts out, and puking:p my upper guts and stomach contents out into a washpan I was holding while having contractions. :rolleyes: UGH!

Fran:nurse:

911fltrn · Jan 8, 2004

I know its hard to resist helping your buddy but please dont ever hold anything for your buddy when he intends to hit it with a sledge hammer! :cool:

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Jan 8, 2004

911fltrn, pleased to meet you. I'm Fran, and I was an EMT for 18 years, and an instructor in many BLS classes. How do ya like being a flight nurse?

Never ever go for a bike ride without your helmet. When you land head first on the pavement, you will have the worst headache you ever had, and it'll be hard for you not to go to sleep.

Fran:nurse:

schoolnurse/dr · Jan 16, 2004

This thr

ead is much funnier than the the nursing humor thead:D Some Ive seen: Don't put a glass test tube up your rear end(male) and then tell the surgeon " I have to catch a plane in an hour":( PLEASE don't name your daughter lady parts cause it "sounds" nice. Or Christa Shanda Leer, or Female (pronounced fam mal lie)they didin't understand english very well and thoght the nursery nurses had named the baby for them. No amount of explaining changed their minds. Please remember to tell pt's mothers to remove the wrapping from the ectal suppository before inserting. Don't lay on the floor of your room, with your IV on the ed, have horrible veins, and tell the nurse you don't know how that got there. Don't be a real "B" and have a boyfriend who deals drugs and owes his provider great deals of money. Baseball bats to the head don't come out with good results in that situation.

JacqueOCS · Jan 17, 2004

this thread is awesome! amazing what people do to themselves :eek:

nurturing_angel · Jan 17, 2004

I just found this thread and I have laughed til I cried. Thanks to everyone for sharing!

A few things I have learned:

1) Never let your husband talk you into a 5 mile bike ride 2 days after you sustain a 4th degree laceration during childbirth.

2) Never let your due any day wife who is sick and tired of being fat and pregnant catch you in bed with your 110 lb girl friend the day after you decide to hang new pictures in the bedroom and leave the hammer on the nightstand.

3) Never wake a sleeping child up at 3 am to bring them to the emergency room to have someone look at their athletes foot just because you got your medicaid card earlier that day.

I have more but I am still laughing from some of yours so I will post more later.

:D

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Jan 17, 2004

Never phone 911 at 3 AM, then wait in the driveway with suitcase in hand for a ride to the hospital. The Medics on board may not appreciate it.

Never phone 911 at any hour on any day if there is no emergency. Because when the real thing hits, they won't rush to your door.

Never hit a person crossing the road at dusk and think you hit a deer. It very well could be another human being.

Never go on a water slide with your dentures in. They may become dislodged and you could swallow them.

Never stop your ambulance at an intersection where there's a hooker on the corner. You may not get what you thought you were going to.

Never place dirt in your lady parts just to fill the newly discovered hole in your body.

Never drink from a whiskey bottle just because it says whiskey on the outside. It could be turpentine.

fins · Jan 18, 2004

If you're spray painting a ceiling, and your goggles get coated with paint, don't just take them off and keep painting. If you do, don't be surprised that you end up at the hospital with paint in your eyes.

If you just bought a new stereo, but can't afford speaker wire, don't fish some out of the dumpster. It might just be detonation cord, which will explode the first time you turn your stereo on, and you will have 59 easy payments left on the shrapnel embedded in your a$$.

You know that cute little ceremonial cannon that they use on the parade ground? Two drunks shouldn't try to push it uphill. It's heavier then it looks, and will roll back downhill when those two drunks lose their footing.

Playing William Tell with a spear gun while skin diving is every bit as stupid as doing it with a bow and arrow on land.

If a fuse blows, it might be old. If the replacement fuse blows, heck maybe it's defective. If the next replacement fuse blows, well then, I think you need to admit that your circuit is overloaded. Otherwise, when you replace that fuse with a penny, you might just start a fire.

NeuroICURN · Jan 18, 2004

LMFAO :roll This thread is killing me....so, here's what I have to add.....

1. Never have your partner pour cement in your orifice and then get so stinking drunk that you both pass out! Yes, it will still dry in your butt! Yes, it does require surgery!

2. Never have your partner drink the sperm out of your orifice with a straw (called shrimping). You will become very ill!

3. Never use your finger to scrape the cookie dough off the side of the bowl and into the mixer. Who knew an electric mixer could be that difficult to remove from the index finger??? Did you also know that it can take up to six months of rehab to be able to completely bend your finger again???

4. Becoming an informant to the police and then having a big drug lord find out that you are usually has a deadly outcome.

5. That thing they said about police dogs and their sharp teeth...it's true! :chuckle

6. If, after a chiropractor does neck manipulation...and you "don't feel right" and then have a car wreck on the way home because you became disoriented....you should probably be checked out at a hospital, rather than going home to get some sleep. Another note for this....a dissected carotid has disaterous effects on the brain.

Hellllllo Nurse, BSN, RN · Jan 18, 2004

Some of the sexual practices I'm learning about on this thread are enough to gag a maggot:imbar

ER hippie · Jan 18, 2004

Here's a few I've seen recently:

Don't keep your your industrial strength adhesive in the medicine cabinet, esp. if your 16 y/o keeps his eyedrops in there, too. (No idea of outcome but very sad indeed.)

Burning your trash is a bad idea. Failing to remove the aerosol cans from your trash first, is a VERY bad idea.

If your 13 y/o daughter is here w/ an etoh of 236, a urine tox thats more + than -, and a + HCG to boot, we can safely assume THERE IS A PROBLEM!!! and as soon as you sober up, perhaps you'll agree.

Drinking and firing shotguns is a bad idea.

Drinking up by the railroad tracks is a bad idea.

Drinking and huffing Dust-Off is a bad idea.

Drinking all day at the beach is a bad idea, esp. when it's Buffalo, January, and 2 degrees outside.

And finally, just yesterday: Heating your home is expensive this time of year. Kerosene space heaters in the kitchen and living room are not safe alternatives to natural gas. Esp. if your.... survey says! .... Drinking!!!

azgirl · Jan 18, 2004

Had never heard of shrimping. EWWWWWW!!!