Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

imupallnite · Jan 7, 2004

ok i assume i am very niave' even if there is a way to get the rodent in the nether region WHY would one want to put it there?? some very funny and very sad stories here!

lynn

gwenith, BSN, RN · Jan 7, 2004

Here a few more from "down under"

Do not dring and then skinny dip in the ocean - there are currents out there

Do not try to cure snakebite with accupuncture - it does not work

Do not decide to mow the grass christmas day - in 40 degree Celcius heat - you WILL have a heart attack.

Do not retire your sedentary job one day and the next take off on a round Australia trip towing a van and try to drive from Melbourne to Cairns in two days - you WILL have a heart attack - usually in one of those small country towns along the way ( you should see our stats on this one - one regional hospital it was running at 1/3 of the patients!!!!)

Do not become a "breatharian" they are cranks and you cannot "live on light" - see http://www.courts.qld.gov.au/qjudgment/QCA%202000/101-/CA00-245.pdf

hmccartn · Jan 7, 2004

""ok i assume i am very niave' even if there is a way to get the rodent in the nether region WHY would one want to put it there?? ""

i've heard that they get them declawed, use a long paper towel roll and then send up the poor little guy...it has something to do with the sensation of the gerbel trying to burrow its way in..... okay, now i am traumatized for relaying this rumour...sorry if people get nightmares....

kc ccurn · Jan 7, 2004

Don't name your daughters with boy names just so you can remember who their sperm donor was...

Don't get drunk, turn on the stove, then pass out before you've had a chance to move the towell that is laying on the stove. When you wake up to your kitchen on fire, don't go to the corner of the living room, behind the chair and pass out again....it's difficult for the firemen to find you. (bad outcome)

If you must smoke, please don't light your cigarette while your oxygen is on....

If you have a third story apartment and you go out and get drunk one night, don't climb up the side of the building to "let yourself in" because you forgot your keys....you will probably fall and get injured.

If you are visiting your friend in the hospital who just fell from a third story balcony because she forgot her keys....please don't go check on her cat by climbing up the same building wall.....you may get hurt as well.

If you are at home recovering from open heart surgery, please don't let your lovely little dog lick your sternal incision. I know he is special to you but he's also just finished licking other things as well.

If this is your husband, please let the nursing staff know earlier in his readmission that Fluffy was trying to help your husband feel better, it is important information.

Do not demand that your nurse give you your Xanax now because you "feel a seizure coming on", she may just want to wait and watch.

If your patient has a central line in, do not let him go out for a "smoking break" with friends then be suprised when he comes back less coherent with glazed eyes and a heart rate of 180.

If you have just assaulted a police officer then SUDDENLY become unresponsive as you're being arrested, it's not a good idea to let the police and critical care nurse see you open one eye and look around to see if anyone is watching. You will be immediately escorted to the nearest police car and taken to jail. Once you have done this, don't try it again the next year....it won't work then either.

kc ccurn · Jan 7, 2004

A few more...

If you are a state trooper do not go into pulseless v tach while talking to your critical care nurse, she will find some slight satisfaction in giving you a precordial thump even though it never works. .......THANK YOU Mr state trooper that you don't remember it was me that thumped you.

If your patient (not the same as above) is talking to you and grabbing your hands, he probably DOES have a pulse and you don't need to do compressions....

If you come from sea level to an altitude of 10,000 feet and have a seizure, please listen to the doctors suggestion of NOT going back up to altitude-you may just have another seizure.

DON'T cut off your member because the voices told you to.

Don't be the newbie EMS guy that has to hold pressure to stop the bleeding..

IV drug abuser can be good resources to help find a vein to draw labs from....

Do not let you teenage girlfriend with braces perform orally while you're driving over railroad tracks, it will hurt.

If you must drive drunk, crash your car and fracture your C1 vertebrae, don't become beligerent and curse the nurse who is trying to keep you quite and sedated so you don't severe your spinal cord, it's poor manners!

It's great to help friends move but please use rope to hold the mattress on the roof of the car, not your spread eagle body, and especially not while driving 70 mph on the highway (I kid you not, all true stories)

sarah rgn · Jan 7, 2004

Don't sew naked while walking downstairs, something may frighten you causing you (and your scrotum) to fall onto the seven needles you were sewing with.

When the needles have been surgically removed, don't keep them in a little jar on your bedside locker and look proudly at them. What you did was not big and not clever.

Don't do DIY naked - something may frighten you causing you (and your rectum) to fall onto a can of WD40. As amusing as that x-ray was, the surgeon didn't appreciate having to remove foreign bodies from you twice in two months. You may also want to rethink the "something frightened me when I was naked" story. :rolleyes:

bungy · Jan 7, 2004

... and don't ever expect your ED nurse to believe you "fell" on anything! It's better just to blush and mumble...

Trixxy, LPN · Jan 7, 2004

IV drug abuser can be good resources to help find a vein to draw labs from....

That's the absolute truth! :specs:

live4today, RN · Jan 7, 2004

Originally posted by Frances LeMay
.............................................

Never eat before going into active labor. What comes from your body first is definitely NOT the baby.

Oh God...don't I remember THAT day, except BABY did come first...but only seconds before the upchuck happened! :rotfl:

When I was in active labor with my first child, I ate a full course Labor Day meal, and boy was it delicious! Just as I finished my meal, the labor started progressing, so doc told me to come on in. After baby was born, and they were about to roll me over onto the bed to take me to the recovery room...I kept saying to them that I had to vomit. They didn't believe me, insisting it was "normal" to feel nauseas after delivery due to meds given, etc. Well..........I upchucked my Labor Day dinner in large amounts (not even digested yet mind you) in a large emesis basin they quickly grabbed and placed under my mouth as I heaved the kind of heave you could hear outside the delivery room itself. :rotfl:

Do you think they believed the next patient that entered the delivery room saying she had to vomit? :chuckle

kellilou3 · Jan 7, 2004

Originally posted by gwenith
Do not become a "breatharian" they are cranks and you cannot "live on light" - see http://www.courts.qld.gov.au/qjudgment/QCA%202000/101-/CA00-245.pdf

I read this document and have a question. What were the black flakes and substance that the woman was vomiting? I would probably know this if I were a nurse, but I'm not, so I thought I would just ask.

NICU_Nurse, BSN, RN · Jan 7, 2004

Zoe, yes, all but the finger-in-the-open-chest-cavity were on my unit (not the job I'm currently working, btw). That one was our baby, but she'd been transferred to the PICU post-op for stabilization. The ER stories were in our ER (used to have a friend down there, but she moved, so I don't get the good stories no more. ).

justjenny · Jan 8, 2004

http://www.courts.qld.gov.au/qjudgment/QCA%202000/101-/CA00-245.pdf

I am wondering about this story also. I am not an RN yet... but was this woman vomiting bile??? The reports showed she developed problems due to aspiration of stomach contents........

????

Jenny

(very disturbing story, BTW)