Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

[AngelfireRN]

Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

[Raven Sierra, BSN, RN]

Gosh, after dealing with you and all of your trailer trash family members all day, it sounds as if i will apply for that mortuary science program after all. Dead folks won't annoy me as much as you all do.

My mom (a BSN) and I have wondered whether botany would be more our speed. :) Plants don't act bat"stuff" crazy. Usually.

[Raven Sierra, BSN, RN]

Oh, and the last time I was a patient in the ER, I would love to have said, "Look, lady...you're eating Burger King and sneaking smoke breaks when you think the staff can't see. I know the waiting room's boring. But if you truly had that 'extreme abdominal pain at a 10' you keep rolling around on the chairs and groaning and screaming about when any staff walk through, you wouldn't want Burger King. Trust me. But bravissimo on your Oscar-worthy performance."

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

gosh, after dealing with you and all of your trailer trash family members all day, it sounds as if i will apply for that mortuary science program after all. dead folks won't annoy me as much as you all do.

that one should have had a beverage alert!!

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

"If you don't turn loose of my wrist and quit trying to kiss me NOW, you're gonna be drawing back a nub."

"No, for the 3rd time, I will NOT make an exception and "call your meds in right away so you don't have to make 2 trips". Our med policy applies to any and all, and all you're going to accomplish by haranguing me is to get yourself booted to the bottom of the stack."

"I am so NOT BELIEVING you just pulled this crap. Leave. This. Property. RIGHT NOW! Before I call the law." (This was a 30-something, able-bodied guy who came in, claiming to have to go out of town to work, and wanting to be seen. Sure, we worked him in, with the caveat that his meds would be called in on his appt date. No early refills, no exceptions, no way. Per doc. So this joker proceeds to whine to me, the tech, AND the receptionist about the injustice of it all, and THEN, after his happy tail was out the door, our referal gal comes in, and says, "Kimmy's got a visitor out back." Yep, that fool pulled around back, hollered to the referral gal to get Kimmy, so he could wheedle her some more about calling his meds in early. I went out and dealt with him. Our OM threatened to dismiss him.)

"What part of 'no' is difficult for you?"

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

Oh, and lest I forget...our waiting list for new patients is 200-strong. I know, I databased it myself. Before I computerized it, it was in a notebook that resembled my recipe file. And yep, it was a safe bet over the years that some names didn't make it to the book.

So, in walks this person, wife in tow, and proceeds to come to the window, wallet in hand (for money or insurance cards, we never determined).

"I'm here to see the doc."

"OK, are you a patient here, sir?"

"I've been on that waiting list for a year and a half. I'm here to see the doc."

No appt, nothing. He just took it on himself to decide that today was the day.

"I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to have an appt. May I have your name? We'll see where you are on the list."

He wasn't on the list. The news was not received well.

"I want to see the D$^# doc! I'm HURTING!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but we'll have to call you with an appt. May we have your info again?"

Patient spouts various expletives, to which Kimmy replies, "You know, attitude has a lot to do with when you get in to be seen."

"I said I'm HURTING!"

Me: "And I'm sorry. We are not a pain clinic. We'll be happy to put you back on the list."

"That's all right, stand there and act like a liar." He stormed out, cussing the whole way, with a waiting room full of patients. And his wife had the gall to still try and give us his info.

"That's OK, ma'am, he won't be going on our list." She stood there for a minute, gawping at me, then left. What I'd have loved to say at that point....

"Did you just stand here and watch the same behavior I did? And you still think we're going to take him as a patient?!?"

[brillohead, ADN, RN]

My mom (a BSN) and I have wondered whether botany would be more our speed. :) Plants don't act bat"stuff" crazy. Usually.

A friend just calls it "bat guano crazy"!

[RNforLongTime]

There's a reason you have 3-4+ pitting, weeping edema in your legs....because you won't follow Dr's orders!!!

[Catch22Personified]

You don't want to be here, I don't want you here, the administration doesn't want you here, but the State says you have to be here since we can't throw you on the street. The least you can do is be a little more polite.

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

To that sweet lady patient, who went to the door, informed my OM that "Us girls are gonna have us a little time." and proceeded to shut said door and hold me in a hug and let me bawl my eyes out for ten minutes, thank you. Thank you so much.

Backstory on that...in the course of about 2 months, I had a miscarriage, and then lost my best friend, the love of my life, who I'd have married had I not married my DH. He died on a Sunday, I was at work on Monday, trying my darnedest to hold it together, and she saw it.

So, to her, and to all that were so sweet to me that week, which remains a blur...thanks. Nothing on the planet could have made it OK, but y'all made it better.

[CNABESS]

You filthy old man! You say awful things to the nursing staff about your wife(while she is sitting right there) and then proceed to grab my behind while I am attempting to transfer your 265lb. Jabba the Hutt frame into the lift. Then giggle about it when I reprimand you! You are disgusting. BTW, that was me that immediately reported you to the administrator who then came in and told you if you handled another CNA like that you would be charged with assault and shipped off to any facility that would take you.

And No, I do not appreciate your filthy jokes about nurses and "oral fixations" you filthy creep. You are here to rehab from a stroke you brought on yourself by eating nothing but Big Macs and fries, washing it down with a six pack of beer for years and smoking 3 packs a day. You are NOT here to fulfill your sick fantasies about nurses.

How that poor wife of yours has tolerated you all these years is beyond any of us. If I could, I would provide her with a recommended diet of super high fatty foods and tell her to up the insurance quickly. Then let your filthy appetites do you in. You are such a creep.

[Ashley_RN]

"No, I will not lather your butt up with xenaderm as you stand up perfectly, bend over with your backside facing me, and proceed to spread your buttcheeks wide open with your perfectly able hands. We did not operate on your hands, they work JUST fine. If you can reach far enough back to hold 'em open, I'm prettyyyy positive you can apply the cream yourself. And whats that? You're going to be d/c tomorrow? Even more of a reason to be doing things for yourself. You're an adult, so start acting like one."

And to all my older male patients who think it's okay to make gross perverted comments... Pleaseeeee stop. It's uncomfortable and extremely inappropriate. Not to mention you're old enough to be my dad/grandfather and it's just flat out SICKENING. Thanks.

[shoegalRN, RN]

To the 10/10 abdominal pain guy found drinking soda when I called him in the ER waiting room:

You are a damn drug seeker! Don't try to whine in pain when I call your name and hold your stomach when I just saw you gulp down a soda. Don't tell me you prefer an IV in your neck for "pain relief".

When I tell you we will not be doing an EJ for pain relief but will give you IM injections, don't attempt to "help me find a vein". Said vein shows evidence of IV punctures that shows stages of healing. Don't lie and say "I've been clean 2 years, 5 weeks, 3 days and counting". I will give you a mean side eye.

And don't act like you ain't never had Dilaudid. After all, you ARE allergic to every other narc and NSAID under the sun. Don't ask me how many milligrams I'm about to give you. Also, don't tell me "I don't feel anything" literally 30 seconds after I've pushed it in your fluids. No, I will NOT give you a rush!

When I go back to check on you, you are clearly in your herion nod, and rubbing your nose, you can barely speak in clear sentences, but you can moan and hold your stomach saying you are still in pain. Whatever!

And when I bring your 2 oxycodone tablets, I saw you chew them instead of swallow them.

You are now discharged and the attending is on to you. Don't try to barther the attending doc into writing a different script for oxycodone. You are only getting 10 tablets. Don't attempt to stalk the attending when he is speaking with the residents about a critical pt. You will get security called on you. Don't tell us you need the 10 tablets in your hand NOW because you don't have any money to fill said script. That is NOT our problem!

You have been discharged and you are being escorted out by security! Try that ish at another ER!