The rudest thing that's ever been said to you by a patient or family

Lev, MSN, RN, NP · Jul 10, 2016

Hi Everyone!
I've been SO exhausted lately! There are times where I know that I was meant to be a nurse, there's nothing I would rather be, and I feel that my job is SO rewarding!!!
.....and then there is this week. There seems to be a very large influx of patients and family members that are extremely rude and demanding!
I'm looking for help before I get burned out! There are a lot of things that patients sometimes say, such as "hurry up, you people aren't helping me (when you've been running around all night, cleaning them up every hour), etc..." I TOTALLY understand that these patients are probably having the worst day of their lives and I would never in a million years trade places with them, but I can't help but to take it personally sometimes.
Can you give me some advice on how to diffuse or deflect these types of comments? Maybe some good ways of handling some of the more rude comments that you've been handed? They don't have to be the ones I mentioned above, because I'm sure whatever you've heard, I have heard or will hear too.

I think we excuse too much behavior because the patient is sick, in pain, stressed out, etc. It is never acceptable to yell out, scream, threaten, assault, or cuss out one's nurse. However, as professionals we need to act like professionals and be the bigger person and not let the rude comment affect how we respond. Our safety is priority and by engaging with the patient inappropriately we can make them more agitated.

I never apologize for the "behavior" that the patient finds lacking however I express sympathy and apology that they are feeling so terrible or having pain. I let them vent and nod accordingly to their feelings. I repeat their complaints. "I am sorry you are having so much pain and that we couldn't answer your call bell as quickly as you would like. Unfortunately, I could not get to your room sooner since I was in with another patient/on the phone with the doctor. I am here to help you now. Please let me know what I can do to make you more comfortable?" Using the word "unfortunately" in the sentence seems to help. If they are yelling I tell them "I can see you are upset and I would like to help you but I am having a hard time understanding what you are saying. Can you please speak more clearly?" Also make sure you are standing an appropriate distance from them and do not touch them unless they ask for help with something directly.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Jul 10, 2016

I think we excuse too much behavior because the patient is sick in pain, stressed out, etc. It is never acceptable to yell out, scream, threaten, assault, or cuss out one's nurse. [/quote']I concur...let's see what happens when a member of the public yells at or threatens a bank teller, airline pilot, donut store clerk, or the physician at a clinic.
Nobody has to guess...the belligerent member of the public will be asked to leave, and the bad behavior might even result in a call being placed to the police department. However, nurses suck it up because "the patient is sick and stressed."
Puhleeze...cry me a river.

val421 · Jul 10, 2016

Oh it's everywhere. And it's worse with the riff raff I see in my ER.

It certainly can be.

I would occasionally sit in the ER when I was a CNA and I once had to sit through eight hours of the worst verbal abuse I've ever experienced in my life. I'm Black and chubby, and this immediately became fodder for the malcontent whose safety I was supposed to ensure. I was called a ni**er more times that night than the whole rest of my life combined (he was even singing it at me at one point!), made vicious and disgusting comments about my weight, insisting that "baby weight" couldn't have been an excuse because no one would want to have a child with me (and even suggesting that I should lose fifty pounds and could do so quickly by "cutting [my] tits off"). He also made disparaging remarks about my (presumed) pay, and whether or not Obama got me my job (as if I know him? Ha!) followed by him confidently stating that "When Trump wins, you'll be outta here!"

And I had to take it. I just had to sit there and pretend that it didn't bother me, because engaging him at all would only escalate him. I went home after the shift and cried, and realized that there are days when no amount of money makes this job worth it.

He wound up in our ICU a couple of months later after an (intentional) attempted overdose. Petty as I may be sometimes, I didn't revel in learning that he was suicidal. But I didn't feel sorry for him, either. I learned that people really do attempt to force their own misery on others, but at NO point is your own anguish an excuse to harm someone else.

And TheCommuter is right - in ANY OTHER venue, this behavior would be unacceptable. But nurses/ancillary staff have to absorb it, and I believe that it comes from a supreme level of disrespect for what we do. But we need to tend to our own health first, lest our ability to care for others be impacted.

To OP - since then, one tactic that has helped me when people insist that I am somehow lacking is to step back and think about the situation objectively. The bird's eye view can be very helpful. Did I do anything wrong? Is their criticism valid? If so, what can I do to fix it? If not, I try to get to what is actually upsetting them, and if the answer seems to be nothing that I can do anything about, I shrug and let them continue to be miserable. It's like a game of emotional "Hot Potato" - I'm not holding onto your anger/helplessness/guilt/entitlement just because you threw it at me. Drop that potato and walk away.

NightNerd, MSN, RN · Jul 10, 2016

I had one guy fire me for, of all things, taking the time to get a medication ordered that his mom wanted. (He felt I was wasting time by "waking up a doctor instead of giving her two pills.") He stated that felt I would rather see his mother in pain than help her, and that I didn't need to be her nurse with that attitude - never mind that he said all of this AS I came into the room with the newly ordered medication as he requested.

I was peeved. This was a month ago, and I'm still struggling not to let it bother me. Fortunately, this is the only competely oriented person I've had take such a blatant hated to me, despite everything I did to make him happy. I recognize that he was displeased with something much bigger than the ten minutes it took me to follow protocol, so I simply told him that I would pass his concerns on to the charge nurse and would not be assigned to him again. Anything else I would have said would have created more problems.

It is easier said than done to just leave it at work. Just accepting that some people don't get it has to be enough sometimes. And knowing that you've done everything you can helps take the sting out of it. Always be proud of what you have to offer, even if people don't always receive it gracefully.

Pangea Reunited, ASN, RN · Jul 10, 2016

I would occasionally sit in the ER when I was a CNA and I once had to sit through eight hours of the worst verbal abuse I've ever experienced in my life. I'm Black and chubby, and this immediately became fodder for the malcontent whose safety I was supposed to ensure. I was called a ni**er more times that night than the whole rest of my life combined (he was even singing it at me at one point!), made vicious and disgusting comments about my weight, insisting that "baby weight" couldn't have been an excuse because no one would want to have a child with me (and even suggesting that I should lose fifty pounds and could do so quickly by "cutting [my] tits off"). He also made disparaging remarks about my (presumed) pay, and whether or not Obama got me my job (as if I know him? Ha!) followed by him confidently stating that "When Trump wins, you'll be outta here!"

Why was that fool allowed to carry on for eight hours?? I would have been looking to give him a shot of something to encourage a long nap.

val421 · Jul 10, 2016

^^ Believe me, I desperately wished that he could have been given something, but I believe it was contraindicated while I was there. He got into fights with security and had to be put in restraints multiple times and was medicated before, but I think they were concerned about respiratory suppression or something. It's foggy. I mostly remember just wishing I weren't there. (Come to think of it, I wonder if I was dissociating a little?)

The RN assigned to him wasn't very helpful, anyway. She was the one that nonchalantly told me to ignore it. :sniff:

val421 · Jul 10, 2016

I had one guy fire me for, of all things, taking the time to get a medication ordered that his mom wanted. (He felt I was wasting time by "waking up a doctor instead of giving her two pills.") He stated that felt I would rather see his mother in pain than help her, and that I didn't need to be her nurse with that attitude - never mind that he said all of this AS I came into the room with the newly ordered medication as he requested.

In some situations - SOME - quoting peoples' behavior back at them is helpful in at least getting them to see that they are unreasonable. They probably won't like being made to look stupid, but if the relationship is being terminated anyway, then bombs away, haha.

"So you want medication for your mother, which you've decided I'm withholding because I took the correct and legal steps to get it ordered by her doctor? And because ten minutes was too long to wait, you're going to increase the amount of time she has to wait by making us find another nurse, who then has to take report, and then come by to give her the pills? MAKES SENSE." *turns heel and walks out the door*

Dazglue, ADN, BSN, MSN, RN · Jul 10, 2016

I walked in to introduce myself during change of shift and the patient promptly pressed her call light to request another nurse and stated the reason was "I don't associate with n******". I swapped with another nurse. I don't have time to put up with ignorance. Unfortunately I've encountered this more than once in my nursing career of only 5 years.

sallyrnrrt, ADN, RN · Jul 10, 2016

Darling lil ole man........ You are so old,.....are you going to work till you die......? :uhoh3:

Today, after 44 yr experience, my boundaries do not enable a lot of rudeness, Maybe stressful, anxiety from patient or family....

of course, just this past week I was pretty rude to a FNP/ER, but I was in constant pain, anxious, and her critical thinking skills were off..... when after 48 hrs, of post closed chest trauma, from one of my cows (as in cattle)charging me, direct head butted sternum, t5 compression fracture, bruised lungs, confirmed by ct scan, I developed constant chest wall pain, every breath pleuritic pain, and expired vol. from incentive spirometer had fell 50%, and she did not want to repeat a chest X-ray...... I chose to school her on the pathophysiology that could evolve from the above described trauma........

she had a student FNP, and was going on, as I just can not justify repeating chest X-ray, no, no, no (her words)..... When we know what pathology is from CT, 48 hrs ago......

well no, no, you don't,

? Effusion, Or dropped lobe,

edema from bruised lungs?

or just guarding from the changed constant pain......

sorry, she created need for my, could be perceived rudeness....

rant over

Zooey72 · Jul 10, 2016

Hi Everyone!
I've been SO exhausted lately! There are times where I know that I was meant to be a nurse, there's nothing I would rather be, and I feel that my job is SO rewarding!!!
.....and then there is this week. There seems to be a very large influx of patients and family members that are extremely rude and demanding!
I'm looking for help before I get burned out! There are a lot of things that patients sometimes say, such as "hurry up, you people aren't helping me (when you've been running around all night, cleaning them up every hour), etc..." I TOTALLY understand that these patients are probably having the worst day of their lives and I would never in a million years trade places with them, but I can't help but to take it personally sometimes.
Can you give me some advice on how to diffuse or deflect these types of comments? Maybe some good ways of handling some of the more rude comments that you've been handed? They don't have to be the ones I mentioned above, because I'm sure whatever you've heard, I have heard or will hear too.

Well, I am not a nurse; but I hope to be one soon. People in hospitals I can not relate to yet. However, I am 44 years old and I have a long history with a$$holes. Before I started nursing school I was a cable tech. I was installing cable in a "well to do" community when a mother took her young son out to see me crawl under the house to hook them up. She than said to her son "See him? This is what you will do if you get bad grades".

I made good money doing what I was doing even if I had to crawl under houses. I (hopefully) exchanged it for a job that I will be cleaning bed pans. Jerks are jerks, it comes with any job. I pretended I didn't hear her crap and moved on and did my job.

PocketSize, BSN, RN · Jul 10, 2016

Plenty inquire about my ethnicity. I'm one of those people who looks like they could be from different places but you can't quite figure out which one.

Didn't bother me at first but now it's just offensive, especially when coming from the middle age/older folk who ask in that "innocent, inquisitive tone." Ugh. It shouldn't matter if I'm white, Indian, Hispanic, black, green, yellow. But ignorance is plenty in today's world.

nutella, MSN, RN · Jul 10, 2016

Rudeness ... where to start???

It is part of a nurse's job because we are seen as a "service" and the "consumer" thinks that they can demand 100% service. Besides that - people are stressed out and have expectations that may or may not be realistic.

Some years ago a family member talked to me on the phone and after some minutes of me listening with empathy that person said that she wanted to talk to a "born and bred American" followed by some swearing and questioning of my credentials. She also said that she would complain about me to the charge nurse. I was a bit ??? as i had not been able to get a single word in , not to mention did not talk because she was nonstop venting and talking. Oh yeah - I was also the charge nurse that day and I could not tell her as she hung up on me. Minutes later she calls again and asked the secretary for the charge nurse and was so mad when I picked up the phone. I told her that I would have the supervisor call her back.

I wanted to drop that patient to a different nurse but it was already late evening and not possible.

Racism in any form is never acceptable and I do not care if somebody has a bad day or is stressed. There are basic expectations.