The Line b/t Respecting Wishes of Victim, Privacy, & Reporting

[SunnyPupRN]

I'm quite in shock, fumbling for words, as my fifth grader just had a sleepover with another girl last weekend and I was surprised that she had blocked all her phone calls. When I asked, she hemmed and hawed, and finally said that the girl had attempted to kiss her, "asked to have sex," wanted her to take her pants off, and that my child had to physically push her off. All of this while I was in the next room!

There's no doubt that there was some odd behaviour, but I never would have guessed this. When I went to wake them up in the morning, sure enough, they were in the same bed, even though there were two beds.

I asked my daughter why she didn't come to me, and she said she was in shock, and the girl never got "far." As a parent and nurse I want to advocate for her and protect her, but she insists she does not want the matter pursued. I feel torn between a duty and respecting my child's wishes and keeping her trust.

The primal part of my brain wants to go kick that kid's ass, but obviously that is not the answer. My child says she just does not want to keep talking about it or thinking about it, especially with investigators.

I don't want to make her feel like she doesn't have control or can't trust me. I feel gutted.

[mukluk2]

Can you report it AND refuse to let investigators meet with or talk to your child. Can you report it to an anonymous child abuse hotline, that you suspect the other child may be abused?

[Anonymous865]

I know the signs...And I'm going to be honest. The other child is just not my priority right now. She may need help, but my child is first, her dignity, integrity, everything comes first. Maybe that's me speaking out of emotion because I just found out and I'm raw, I don't know. I don't have family to bash this out with and figure things out. I know you are right...I know she needs help, but all I can feel right now is she is a perpetrator. I'm pissed.

I definitely understand how you feel. I can't even begin to guess how I would feel. I don't even want to imagine it.

I think your child is going to be alright, because she was able to talk with you about it. You can protect your child by not allowing the other child around your child, and you can get your child counseling if s/he needs it.

If this other child does not get help, s/he will do the same thing or worse to other children. Then some of those children will become sexual predators too. Then some of their victims will become predators.

The person abusing your child's friend might have access to your child. It could be the child's parent, teacher, coach, minister, neighbor, another friend's sibling, babysitter, daycare worker, etc.

By reporting this you will be protecting your child.

If you don't want to violate your child's trust, you could do it anonymously. I think the better approach would be to talk with your child about how someone is probably hurting their ex-friend and it is important to report this so that that person can be stopped.

As I should have stated initially - I'm so sorry that this happened to your child.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

Let me add: my daughters counselor helped her (and me) realize her feelings were her own and needn't be dismissed because of her abusers perspective.

I must say, now, 7 yrs later, I'm still grateful for that good Licensed counselor.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

Plus, if you report it, there will be a paper trail about your daughters attacker in the system.

CPS told me that the parent can refuse to get their child help because it was a 1st offense. But, if a report happened again, the patents would have no options but to get their child evaluated.

Therefore, even though reporting seems to be of no use, now; rest assured that reporting it will assure the other child is placed in a position not to be able to do this again.

So sorry for what you and your child and your family are going through.

And good for your daughter to say a strong NO! And good for her for coming to you. That shows strength on your daughters behalf!!

[SunnyPupRN]

Thank you for all the support. So difficult. I want to clarify to anyone who thought I was going to "ignore" the problem that I did not mean to give that impression. Rather, I meant that in that moment, I cared about addressing my child's concerns of privacy and embarrassment, not the the other child. As callous as that might seem, right now I just cannot bring myself to the mind set of getting the other girl the help she needs. I don't give a damn about her. But I do see the points you make that reporting the attempt upon my child could prevent or catch other perpetrators. Thank you.

[Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN]

As a nurse you're also a mandated reporter--acting out sexually is a HUGE red flag that she has been a victim herself. If she doesn't get help, she will probably continue. Also, not all decisions are a 10-11 yr old child's to make. Your daughter did nothing wrong, and she has nothing to be ashamed of. If she were in college instead of fifth grade, would you agree that shame is a good reason to keep quiet? Granted at that point it would be her decision to make, but would you ever counsel someone not to report because they are ashamed?

In any case, I am sorry for what happened to your daughter. That had to have been scary for her.

[randomANaccount]

. . . As callous as that might seem, right now I just cannot bring myself to the mind set of getting the other girl the help she needs. I don't give a damn about her. But I do see the points you make that reporting the attempt upon my child could prevent or catch other perpetrators. Thank you.

It must be very difficult to be in your position, and I understand that your first concern is for your child. Of course it is, you're a parent. Others have already addressed being a mandated reporter and all of that, so I won't. I just want to add in a different perspective and say that I wish someone had spoken up for me, instead of looking the other way. I never attacked another child, but maybe I wouldn't be quite so... "broken" still in my late 20s if someone had given a damn.

That little girl might not have anyone to help her.

[mrsboots87]

I get you being upset that the other child emotionally hurt your child. But it is quite unfair to "not give a damn" about the other child. That other child is underage. She is very likely being abused, or learned this behavior from somewhere. If you don't report this then other children could be violated. Do you not give a damn about other future child victims either? I'm sure you do care.

You are obviously upset, and right fully so. But to keep quiet on this is almost as bad as being the abuser yourself. You would be willfully ignoring the signs of the beginning stages of a predator in the making. This in turn sets the abusing child up to be able to escalate. Or even worse, be continually abused herself.

Think about this. What if your daughter was being abused and you didn't know?She starts acting out on other children. Their parents don't give a damn about your child and never report. Your child gets no help. They continue to be abused and continue to escalate their behavior. They grow up and now blame you in some way (I have a sexually abused family member that displaced their anger on their parent for not protecting them, even though the parent never knew). They either continue to abuse other people or they commit suicide. Had someone just cared enough about your daughter, you would have gotten her help at a younger age and stopped the abuse. This is obviously a worse case scenario, but how can you V it care that this could happen to another child. Many abusers are victims themselves.

You very well could be setting that child up for failure by saying nothing.

[mrsboots87]

As for how to keep your child's trust. Be honest. Trust starts with honesty. You lose her trust if you report and blindside her with it. You gain trust by letting her know your intent and being open about why. She is old enough to understand that her friend might be being sexually abused and feels the same way your child does about it. She may be upset about it and for the short term may be upset about it. But over time, I bet she will be accepting of your choice when she realizes it could be helping another child.

But also think about what you are teaching her by keeping it quiet. If you dont report this incident then your child learns that that is how these situations are handled. When she gets older, and God forbid she gets raped. She may not ever come out about it because she learned at a young age that her personal shame and trauma should be hidden. You need to consider her long term development over the short term angst and possible mistrust.

No no matter what you choose, I'm very sorry this happened to your child. As a child sexual abuse victim myself, it is one of my worse fears for my own children and I understand the upset you are feeling right now.

[Anonymous865]

Thank you for all the support. So difficult. I want to clarify to anyone who thought I was going to "ignore" the problem that I did not mean to give that impression. Rather, I meant that in that moment, I cared about addressing my child's concerns of privacy and embarrassment, not the the other child. As callous as that might seem, right now I just cannot bring myself to the mind set of getting the other girl the help she needs. I don't give a damn about her. But I do see the points you make that reporting the attempt upon my child could prevent or catch other perpetrators. Thank you.

I absolutely understand that your child is your priority.

I am concerned that by not reporting this that you might be confirming to her that she should be embarrassed - that she did something wrong - that she was to blame. Obviously that is not true.

With your and/or a therapist's help, a 5th grader could reason out that reporting this is the right thing to do.

You are wise to take your time and think carefully about how to handle this. It would be so easy in this situation to react emotionally and so hard to act rationally.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

Unless you are also a licensed counselor, you really aren't qualified to decide that your kid will be okay if only you either quit talking about it or handle it entirely yourself. A counselor trained in this kind of thing knows how to handle it without re-traumatizing victims. Her counselor will be focused on her well being, and nothing else.

As for the other child, might I remind you that she is a CHILD-and most likely a VICTIM? I totally get that your child is your first priority, but that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't make one fricking phone call to stop this chain of abuse. Not only could that phone call put a stop to this child's victimization, but it could prevent future children down the line from going through this.

A young child made inappropriate sexual advances on your child-and told your child a cousin was abusing her. You fear she needs to be evaluated and helped. That's the gist of the conversation you need to have with the proper authorities, and likely the only intervention you need to be involved in. No one's asking you to adopt this kid and take on her problems. But pass it on to people who CAN help and whose livelihood is based on WANTING to help children such as the one your daughter encountered.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

I know she needs help, but all I can feel right now is she is a perpetrator. I'm pissed.

If she were an adult, I'd agree. But she is a CHILD. She is almost certainly another VICTIM. She may even have been raped by an adult or teen cousin. Calling a little girl a perpetrator is really inaccurate because it implies that she has the capacity to understand that she was victimizing your child. That is highly unlikely. I get that your PRIMARY concern is and will always be your daughter, but that does not mean you are also incapable of putting on your nursing hat with regard to this other child and referring her to others who will have the capacity to care about her. You don't have to be involved with her beyond that, but at least give other professionals the ability to take over from here.