The Line b/t Respecting Wishes of Victim, Privacy, & Reporting

[SunnyPupRN]

I'm quite in shock, fumbling for words, as my fifth grader just had a sleepover with another girl last weekend and I was surprised that she had blocked all her phone calls. When I asked, she hemmed and hawed, and finally said that the girl had attempted to kiss her, "asked to have sex," wanted her to take her pants off, and that my child had to physically push her off. All of this while I was in the next room!

There's no doubt that there was some odd behaviour, but I never would have guessed this. When I went to wake them up in the morning, sure enough, they were in the same bed, even though there were two beds.

I asked my daughter why she didn't come to me, and she said she was in shock, and the girl never got "far." As a parent and nurse I want to advocate for her and protect her, but she insists she does not want the matter pursued. I feel torn between a duty and respecting my child's wishes and keeping her trust.

The primal part of my brain wants to go kick that kid's ass, but obviously that is not the answer. My child says she just does not want to keep talking about it or thinking about it, especially with investigators.

I don't want to make her feel like she doesn't have control or can't trust me. I feel gutted.

[Anonymous865]

Your child's friend is exhibiting signs of sexual abuse.

You need to report it to get the other child the help s/he needs.

[Remy Ox]

Your child's friend is exhibiting signs of sexual abuse.

You need to report it to get the other child the help s/he needs.

Yes its a big warning sign and not normal behavior for young girl. If other girl was just trying to experiment with her sexuality, she likely would have not acted aggressive. She likely acting aggressive because that was done to her.

[SunnyPupRN]

I know the signs...And I'm going to be honest. The other child is just not my priority right now. She may need help, but my child is first, her dignity, integrity, everything comes first. Maybe that's me speaking out of emotion because I just found out and I'm raw, I don't know. I don't have family to bash this out with and figure things out. I know you are right...I know she needs help, but all I can feel right now is she is a perpetrator. I'm pissed.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

Your child's friend is exhibiting signs of sexual abuse.

You need to report it to get the other child the help s/he needs.

This is true. I experienced observing a similar situation in which kids younger than this tried to pull an even younger kids pants down to get to her private areas.

CPS was involved, in that situation, I was a mandated reporter by nature of my work.

CPS asked the other kids to get counseling. 1 family refused. It was very sad.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

Won't let me edit: yes, there are signs that the other child is behaving like a predator because they have been abused themselves.

I told the victims parents about it and they took her to a doctor who confirmed no penetration.

All you can do for yours is get her into good counseling and a doctor. I'm sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs)))

[SunnyPupRN]

This is true. I experienced observing a similar situation in which kids younger than this tried to pull an even younger kids pants down to get to her private areas.

CPS was involved, in that situation, I was a mandated reporter by nature of my work.

CPS asked the other kids to get counseling. 1 family refused. It was very sad.

It is sad. I don't deny that something probably happened to screw up this child. But can you see how I am torn between respecting my child's privacy and confidence in me? What good does it do to take away what little control she has left over the situation? Yes, the girl told my child she had sex with her own cousin so something is awry. But forcing my child to be interviewed, isn't that more traumatization?

[SunnyPupRN]

Vintagemother, I was trying to hit the like button for your post, and I accidentally hit the report button. I think I fixed it but if I didn't, I didn't mean to do that.

[Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN]

Your child's friend is exhibiting signs of sexual abuse.

You need to report it to get the other child the help s/he needs.

This child needs help. With what you know, you need to report it. Otherwise, you become complicit in the crimes committed against her. How would you feel if it were your daughter whose cousin was using her for sex, her friend's mother knew, and never told anyone?

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

Vintagemother, I was trying to hit the like button for your post, and I accidentally hit the report button. I think I fixed it but if I didn't, I didn't mean to do that.

It's ok you might have accidentally reported me! [emoji23]

But seriously, I understand fully that your concern is for your baby. I never went through anything so extreme with my 3 kids. So I can't say I know how you feel.

I do want to say my sympathies are with you.

I have had occasion to want to beat someone's orifice because they hurt my child, so I definitely commiserate with you on that.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

This child needs help. With what you know, you need to report it. Otherwise, you become complicit in the crimes committed against her. How would you feel if it were your daughter whose cousin was using her for sex, her friend's mother knew, and never told anyone?

Agree.

You have information that needs to come forward.

As for counseling; it doesn't "revictimize" the person, rather, gives the survive tools to sort through emotions from the trauma-loss of trust and control; ignoring the problem will set the stage for coping mechanisms and behavior contrary to belated somewhere down the line-do not ignore this.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

Forcing your child to be interviewed could be traumatic. Or could be therapeutic. I think that kids need an outlet to get things out, so that they don't bottle in weird / inaccurate emotions.

When my daughter went through some crazy emotional/physical abuse via her bio-dad, I found counsellors by referral.

I didn't use my HMOs counsellors, because, well, they sucked and I didn't trust them.

Instead, by referral I found a good counselor. (I paid out of pocket)

Then, I sat with the counselor myself in the first appt/intake. She made me feel very secure that she'd listen to my daughter and help her without traumatizing het further.