The Line b/t Respecting Wishes of Victim, Privacy, & Reporting

[SunnyPupRN]

I'm quite in shock, fumbling for words, as my fifth grader just had a sleepover with another girl last weekend and I was surprised that she had blocked all her phone calls. When I asked, she hemmed and hawed, and finally said that the girl had attempted to kiss her, "asked to have sex," wanted her to take her pants off, and that my child had to physically push her off. All of this while I was in the next room!

There's no doubt that there was some odd behaviour, but I never would have guessed this. When I went to wake them up in the morning, sure enough, they were in the same bed, even though there were two beds.

I asked my daughter why she didn't come to me, and she said she was in shock, and the girl never got "far." As a parent and nurse I want to advocate for her and protect her, but she insists she does not want the matter pursued. I feel torn between a duty and respecting my child's wishes and keeping her trust.

The primal part of my brain wants to go kick that kid's ass, but obviously that is not the answer. My child says she just does not want to keep talking about it or thinking about it, especially with investigators.

I don't want to make her feel like she doesn't have control or can't trust me. I feel gutted.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

I know the signs...And I'm going to be honest. The other child is just not my priority right now. She may need help, but my child is first, her dignity, integrity, everything comes first. Maybe that's me speaking out of emotion because I just found out and I'm raw, I don't know. I don't have family to bash this out with and figure things out. I know you are right...I know she needs help, but all I can feel right now is she is a perpetrator. I'm pissed.

I quoted this before I got to the part where you reported it.

What I wanted to say about your comment though was you have to teach your daughter that standing up for the right thing takes some guts and her right to want to keep this private might endanger other young children. And this young girl needs some help as well. So sometimes we have to put our concerns about privacy aside to do the right thing. It is a good thing to teach kids.

Yes my child, you can trust your mom and come tell me anything. Yes, my child we will have to report this. Yes, my child you are doing the right thing.

I worked as a school district nurse and here you report to CPS first and then call the sheriff.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

Was the purpose of reporting to the police to get the other CHILD in criminal, legal trouble for "sexual battery," or to report that the other CHILD referenced what is probably statutory RAPE? I assumed the latter originally, but now am not so sure.

[randomANaccount]

Horseshoe, I agree that the OP is trying to get the child charged with something and not report the child being raped, reflected in post #34. She is talking about how what the other child did is battery and how her daughter doesn't want to talk to anyone about what happened to her (the daughter, not the other child). It appears (I may be wrong) that she is saying it is a moral obligation to report what happened to her daughter, not the other child.

This is why I wrote my first post about not having anyone to stand up for me, and I really think it may have been misinterpreted. This is not meant to be offensive to the OP, I'm just explaining what I mean. I was trying to say that I had no one in my life stand up for me when I was being attacked by a (should have been) trusted adult, and I'm still trying to overcome the results. I am not OP and everyone is different, but I couldn't imagine standing by while another child, no matter if they were mine or not, is going through this type of hell. I can't possibly imagine what it would have felt like if what had happened to me happened and then someone is trying to get me arrested. I'm also not saying the child's actions were right, but this little girl needs help. Fifth graders don't do these things because of what they see on TV.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

Thank you for all the support. So difficult. I want to clarify to anyone who thought I was going to "ignore" the problem that I did not mean to give that impression. Rather, I meant that in that moment, I cared about addressing my child's concerns of privacy and embarrassment, not the the other child. As callous as that might seem, right now I just cannot bring myself to the mind set of getting the other girl the help she needs. I don't give a damn about her. But I do see the points you make that reporting the attempt upon my child could prevent or catch other perpetrators. Thank you.

Does being a mandated reporter (as a nurse) mean that you have to report the other girl?

my sympathies to you and your daughter. This is a very tough situation to be in.

[NurseStorm, BSN, RN]

I am so, so sorry This must be extremely difficult to try to deal with as a mother. Even though your daughter seems to be doing well,maybe consider trying some art therapy, or play therapy etc, to try to help her cope effectively in perhaps a more child friendly manner than traditional therapy.

I can definitely see how you could be completely focused on your own child's situation, and I don't fault you for that one bit! I don't have children yet but my sister and I are extremely close and I have a 10 month old nephew who was born on my birthday that I adore beyond words. If anyone ever did anything to him I can't imagine the rage I would feel!!!

-However, as an outsider to this situation, and as a pediatric nurse, please report this to child and family services on behalf of the other child and what she told your daughter about her cousin. I am not saying in any way you should not be upset, or feel worse for her than your own daughter or anything at all. Just simply that I do see the effects of childhood sexual abuse, incest, secrecy, etc, and it is horrendous. If anyone can stop that from continuing I think we really should try...

Again, I am so sorry. Keep your communication open with your daughter as you have done, and keep telling her you will always be there to talk about anything, no matter what. Keep showing her you are her safe space to come to, as I'm sure you do

[SunnyPupRN]

I quoted this before I got to the part where you reported it.

What I wanted to say about your comment though was you have to teach your daughter that standing up for the right thing takes some guts and her right to want to keep this private might endanger other young children. And this young girl needs some help as well. So sometimes we have to put our concerns about privacy aside to do the right thing. It is a good thing to teach kids.

Yes my child, you can trust your mom and come tell me anything. Yes, my child we will have to report this. Yes, my child you are doing the right thing.

I worked as a school district nurse and here you report to CPS first and then call the sheriff.

Absolutely! I agree.

[SunnyPupRN]

Does being a mandated reporter (as a nurse) mean that you have to report the other girl?

my sympathies to you and your daughter. This is a very tough situation to be in.

I'm not sure. The information was passed down to me second hand, so I did not take a disclosure from the girl herself. That's a good question.

[SunnyPupRN]

I'm not sure. The information was passed down to me second hand, so I did not take a disclosure from the girl herself. That's a good question.

Oh, the mandated part means that you have to give your name when you report. You cannot be anonymous. And thank you for the support.

[SunnyPupRN]

Was the purpose of reporting to the police to get the other CHILD in criminal, legal trouble for "sexual battery," or to report that the other CHILD referenced what is probably statutory RAPE? I assumed the latter originally, but now am not so sure.

To be honest, I was shaking and just looking for guidance from the police. I remember specifically saying, " It's not that I want the situation criminalized. I just am lost." And the cop said to me, " I get it. I'm a parent, too." I don't know what, at that moment, I was searching for. Even in my darkest anger, I'm not a punitive person in *real* life, even if angry. Legal trouble, no. Charges, no. As I've already said, I want to protect my child, and that would just make things worse for her. And at the end of the day, the other girl is most likely a victim and needs help. So my purpose was to find some guidance in a very confusing moment. I really had no direction in my shock. In fact, when I left the station, I was pulled over because I was still deep in thought. Fortunately, it was the cop I had just spoken to, and he was sympathetic.

[SunnyPupRN]

I get you being upset that the other child emotionally hurt your child. But it is quite unfair to "not give a damn" about the other child. That other child is underage. She is very likely being abused, or learned this behavior from somewhere. If you don't report this then other children could be violated. Do you not give a damn about other future child victims either? I'm sure you do care.

That is true.

You are obviously upset, and right fully so. But to keep quiet on this is almost as bad as being the abuser yourself. You would be willfully ignoring the signs of the beginning stages of a predator in the making. This in turn sets the abusing child up to be able to escalate. Or even worse, be continually abused herself.

Think about this. What if your daughter was being abused and you didn't know?She starts acting out on other children. Their parents don't give a damn about your child and never report. Your child gets no help. They continue to be abused and continue to escalate their behavior. They grow up and now blame you in some way (I have a sexually abused family member that displaced their anger on their parent for not protecting them, even though the parent never knew). They either continue to abuse other people or they commit suicide. Had someone just cared enough about your daughter, you would have gotten her help at a younger age and stopped the abuse. This is obviously a worse case scenario, but how can you V it care that this could happen to another child. Many abusers are victims themselves.

You very well could be setting that child up for failure by saying nothing.

That is true. As you and I have both noted, I have been in shock. Now that I have had some time to calm down, I have some clarity and I do see your points and many of the points that others have made. I'm not saying my anger is gone, but it's easier to see through it.

[SunnyPupRN]

If she were an adult, I'd agree. But she is a CHILD. She is almost certainly another VICTIM. She may even have been raped by an adult or teen cousin. Calling a little girl a perpetrator is really inaccurate because it implies that she has the capacity to understand that she was victimizing your child. That is highly unlikely. I get that your PRIMARY concern is and will always be your daughter, but that does not mean you are also incapable of putting on your nursing hat with regard to this other child and referring her to others who will have the capacity to care about her. You don't have to be involved with her beyond that, but at least give other professionals the ability to take over from here.

I don't want to get caught up in semantics, I respectfully I disagree. She can be a perpetrator and a victim at the same time. While you makes calls on what I am unqualified to do, you are making calls on what this girl is or isn't. You simply don't know. There are too many assumptions here. First, because a person is licensed, does not mean that they are remotely good at what they do, or qualified. The person who who in fact abused me, was a therapist, licensed to the moon and back. So pardon me if I take that stamp on that framed and watermarked paper with a grain of salt. Please give me wide berth to exercise a range of emotion when discussing this - and if it is offensive that I balk at making a ' fricking ' phone call, well remember, you're not in my shoes, and your heart isn't torn in wondering if your child will trust you in the future again with sacred information if you blow it. That is my duty here and now, first and foremost. I won't apologize for her coming first, even if it is at the expense of someone else. I will not sacrifice her trust, but yes, as the day has passed, I have come to decide that I will approach the subject wit her again, explain that there could be good to come from stopping someone who might be hurting her [ex]friend and who might even be lurking near her. So I tread lightly. If others are not okay with me slowly absorbing the day to do that, I cannot help it. This thread has helped me enormously, and I'm appreciative.

[MountainBikeChick]

This reminds me of a member in an ACLS class that I took - she said if she came upon an unknown child that needed CPR, she would not do mouth to mouth. At first I thought, "Ya, I guess that makes sense. You don't know if they have a disease or something!" And then I thought, "Wait, that is awful. She is going to let that child possibly die simply because she miiiight contract something?" It's screwed up on so many levels! Maybe it's just my mama bear coming out, but I would never leave another child, be it my own or a stranger, in a dangerous situation. Even if it meant an inconvenience to my daughter.

Even if your trust was broken a little with your daughter, this other girls life may be ruined with an uphill battle that could destroy her. As a sister to someone who was molested as a kid, I have seen this pattern continue and have called CPS due to drugs and awful situations. Yes, on my own sister to protect my niece. Your daughter will forgive you, and if she doesn't, then she is obviously not fine like you continue to say. If she gets so upset when it's brought up, she may not be dealing with everything as needed. I agree that Western doctors are not ideal, but there are so many other options that could help.

ETA: And I agree with others - how was CPS not the first number thought to call? The police don't deal with these situations...