This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies.
I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an Accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue.
Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions.
I wish I had the time to read through all the comments however my 3 month old just fell asleep and I have to start studying (it's 11pm BTW). If it helps at all I am a Christian and believe in the commitment of marriage. However, I need to say that your wife seems poisonous and conniving. Your wife should have been working from the start of your marriage if she wasn't in school, sick, or a mother. Getting pregnant and working have no negative correlation with each other. I worked and lifted 200 pound people up until the night before I gave birth (this is coming from a not physically strong person) AND I'm in a BSN program with a 3 year old, 22 month old, and a 3 month old. I walked off my last clinical day at 11 pm and 41 weeks pregnant and woke up for an induction at 5 am the next morning. Your wife is sneaky and self centered to put it politely. Not only that but she seems to lack many of the fruits of the spirit and wisdom to see WHAT A BLESSING your degree will be in the future.
A child is your wife's way of making sure she has chains around your hands. I would pray and fast for some serious enlightenment if I were you.
I would challenge you to take a good look at your wife and her spiritual life. What woman of God spends 12 hours on Facebook? If she doesn't work she better be volunteering all her sweet time to the church of HER CULTURE. Has she been praying and fasting for you? Encouraging you? Supporting you in things outside the home?
My heart aches for you and your situation because I have a pretty good idea of what it may look like. I suggest you talk to your pastor about this situation. You may not be able to switch your wife but I suggest she goes under a strong remodel spiritually, her priorities are completely out of whack. I hope that you put your foot down and start acting as the head of the family, seems she should be more submissive since the wisdoms is lacking in her department. She needs to learn more about the Proverbs 31 wife... Unless of course you prefer to live out on the roof....
quite honestly I am fuming at the thought of your wife and I question your wisdom in choosing her. If her faith tied you to her what happened to her faith now? Faith is not all that you should have looked at (albeit it is the most important). There are many other characteristics that you should have taken into account about her.
Im done ranting and I'll go back to studying and sleeping 4 hours a night and spending all my money on diapers and formula HAPPILY for OUR FUTURE.
You spoke beautifully! I'm proud to have a spiritual sister on this forum "iron sharpens iron right!" Your children and your husband are very blessed to have you, never forget.
I wish I wrote my ideas as elegantly as the poster above me, however I still do not regret what I said.
This verse is why I deleted my Facebook account. Even a small amount of time on it seemed wasteful. I don't have Twitter or any other social media account and I only registered here to answer this forum because I really feel for your situation. I was only on here to figure out how to study and obtain my RNC. I grew up in poverty and in an abusive household, with only 4.5 years of education of the K-12 grades. I was homeless and a teen mother. I am now married to the father of my 3 children. The minute I became a mom and a wife, my focus was on them-and yes that includes obtaining a good career to support my family, just as you are doing to support your family. After MANY long, sleepless and very stressful nights, I have overcome my obstacles, my the grace of God (oh and managed to get pregnant 3 times with no issues...I may going gray from stress, but I have my kiddos, so I'm blessed). I am now going to a Doctorate of Nursing Practice program in August, working fulltime (at night, every other night so I can be awake all day before and after work with my children and to BE THERE AND PRESENT FOR MY FAMILY). A wife and mother should think of her family and husband. First and foremost, I have my husband's best interests at heart. There's a lot of comments on here about compromise. She needs to compromise so you can accomplish your goals as you've made comprises for her as it is very clear. However, first and foremost, you are the head of the household and she should be supportive of yours goals that will support your family in the long run. I am not perfect and I have much to improve on, but I just wanted to share my story to show you that you should complete what you set out to do and what you've been blessed with...so many people would give their right arm to be able to be in medical school (and be good at it). Also, to show you your wife is not acting appropriately and supportively towards you. I hope God will direct you towards the right path, my brother.
Proverbs 21:19 ESV
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 12:4 ESV
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.
Proverbs 21:9 ESV
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 14:1 ESV
The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
But if he wants a career in medicine, which he seems like he does since he is two years in, nursing isn't the direction for him. I wouldn't suggest someone go a completely different path, he seems happy with what he is doing. Especially since he is gonna be in school for awhile regardless of what he is gonna do.
Also he will miss his children's events if he goes into nursing too. I don't know any nurse who gets off for every holiday or school event their child has. It's part of being an adult.
Yes. I agree... Nursing school is demanding too. There's literally NO point in switching careers now unless it's 100% because he likes the nursing path, because, as you know, Nurse and MD are two different beasts. To start over in nursing when you're in the home stretch of medical school is nonsense.... Might as well just be a chiropractor then because you're not going to make that much more and you're going to be doing a job you're not passionate about, which in Nursing is so incredibly important. That passion pushes you to do your absolute best even though everything around you is falling apart and keeps you from burning out. Same for being a doctor-and I can tell you're passionate about being a doctor. I'm not saying you can't be happy in Nursing, but I know people who have up being a doctor and they regret it because, as I said, it's a completely different focus.
Although, I do make it off for every single field trip, class event, recital, extra curricular activity (not holidays though because, yeah, nurses have mandated holiday schedules and we just celebrate holidays on other days that we are off). I work full-time every other night to make sure I can make it to these things for my kids during the day along with maintaining a nice household and routines for my family-because it's an absolute priority for me. Personal sacrifice (lack of sleep), also a part of being an adult.
Also, she won't be happier because she has a child, she'll be happier that she has more control over you and a validation to stay home. If she's not happily in her current situation, nothing will change that-it's a matter of her disposition. I've lived in poverty and with wealth, and i will tell you, things may change in life, but if your not grateful and happy with what you have at the moment, you won't be when you get whatever it is you think you want to make you happy. "The grass is always greener on the other side".
I know there are always 2 sides to every story and people tend to make themselves out to be the bigger person and the other person out to be the devil incarnate, but if she really is the way you say she is, then ilk give you this advice: I've known several woman like this. They are only happy with their reign of control. Things get worse for their husbands because they can make even more outrageous demands in the name of "motherhood" and make you do more "for the family" in a "her way or the highway" type manner. These situations are horrible for the children too who have to live under such a controlling and manipulative mother (and the children end up exhibiting the same behaviors later-you really want your offspring acting like this? Because it sounds like she has a mental health disorder of some kind). Even more horrible is that these mothers are self-centered and don't love or care for the children as they should (use how she treats you as a litmus, because they will be YOUR offspring). They sometimes even abuse or neglect the children because they resent that they are so much work (because she won't be able to Facebook for 12 hours). Which, obviously, causes even more of a horrible, stressful life for the dad. Even in case where the dad is ideal and the mom is not, when they did eventually get a divorce, the mom got custody (and child, not to mention spousal support) and the dad got even more stress worrying about their children in a home with an abusive mother and Good only knows who else she has in her home. THANK GOD RIGHT NOW THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A CHILD TO COMPLICATE THIS SITUATION. because let me tell you, once you do, leaving will be your worst nightmare.
Also, im very family oriented. I ALWAYS want to help my parents and siblings, but I always ask my husband first. I am always cognizant of putting my husband and children first and would never sacrifice our finances or happiness to give them money or support we didn't have for ourselves even.... Because you both don't have the pay to support additional people. The fact that your using up your life savings instead of your wife working makes me truly nauseas. If I were your wife, i would feel horribly guilty and would work on those grounds alone, let alone you going through a rigorous school program and don't need to worry about finances on to of that.
Thanks so much for everyone's willingness to share your thoughts. You have all encouraged me greatly. That really means a lot to me at a low time in my life/marriage here. Yes, I would like my wife to be supportive ... But it seems she is unable... It hurts when she attacks me so frequently…I will do my best to stand my ground...and continue with my medical schooling. I have the first part of my boards exam in May.
I think I must ask my wife to get back on the pill or sadly refuse to have relations until we are at peace within our home and ready to have a child.
I'm really glad you're planning to stay in med school. Good luck on Step 1! If I were you, I'd also reconsider sending money to her family right now--it's incredibly unfair to ask you to dip into your savings to send them money, unless they're in dire need.
I think you should ask your wife to go back on the pill, but you should probably use condoms too. You really need a contraceptive method that's under your full control.
I understand how reluctant you are to get divorced, but I have a couple of questions for you to consider that might help you get some perspective. First, if a friend of yours told you that their partner was treating them the way your wife is treating you, what would you tell them to do? Second, read Proverbs 31:10-31 and ask yourself: Does that describe my wife? Does she do me good and not harm all the days of her life?
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I hope it works out for you. Good luck!
In addition to what I said above, I think it should be emphasized that your wife is being not only selfish and inconsiderate but incredibly short-sighted, since you could make much more money if you finish your MD. (And that's leaving aside the importance of achieving your career goals.) Even if she comes around on this issue, you should consider whether she has shown the kind of good judgment that you need and deserve in a life partner.
That 12 hours on facebook, if that is in fact and an accurate evaluation of her role in your marriage, she's in this partnership strictly for the money! This is the type of individual that every mother, older brother, father, and best friend warns you about! Brother, we all make mistakes; but this woman was either an incredibly beautiful woman covered in sheep skin when you were dating, or, and a BIG "or", you were overly infatuated with the idea of being married and this is the first person you asked. Going forward, just keep your eyes on the prize and not on the thighs because she'll try to lock you down with a child, a child who doesn't deserve this toxic situation.
Seattlemamalama
68 Posts
I wish I had the time to read through all the comments however my 3 month old just fell asleep and I have to start studying (it's 11pm BTW). If it helps at all I am a Christian and believe in the commitment of marriage. However, I need to say that your wife seems poisonous and conniving. Your wife should have been working from the start of your marriage if she wasn't in school, sick, or a mother. Getting pregnant and working have no negative correlation with each other. I worked and lifted 200 pound people up until the night before I gave birth (this is coming from a not physically strong person) AND I'm in a BSN program with a 3 year old, 22 month old, and a 3 month old. I walked off my last clinical day at 11 pm and 41 weeks pregnant and woke up for an induction at 5 am the next morning. Your wife is sneaky and self centered to put it politely. Not only that but she seems to lack many of the fruits of the spirit and wisdom to see WHAT A BLESSING your degree will be in the future.
A child is your wife's way of making sure she has chains around your hands. I would pray and fast for some serious enlightenment if I were you.
I would challenge you to take a good look at your wife and her spiritual life. What woman of God spends 12 hours on Facebook? If she doesn't work she better be volunteering all her sweet time to the church of HER CULTURE. Has she been praying and fasting for you? Encouraging you? Supporting you in things outside the home?
My heart aches for you and your situation because I have a pretty good idea of what it may look like. I suggest you talk to your pastor about this situation. You may not be able to switch your wife but I suggest she goes under a strong remodel spiritually, her priorities are completely out of whack. I hope that you put your foot down and start acting as the head of the family, seems she should be more submissive since the wisdoms is lacking in her department. She needs to learn more about the Proverbs 31 wife... Unless of course you prefer to live out on the roof....
quite honestly I am fuming at the thought of your wife and I question your wisdom in choosing her. If her faith tied you to her what happened to her faith now? Faith is not all that you should have looked at (albeit it is the most important). There are many other characteristics that you should have taken into account about her.
Im done ranting and I'll go back to studying and sleeping 4 hours a night and spending all my money on diapers and formula HAPPILY for OUR FUTURE.