This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies.
I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an Accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue.
Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions.
It's your career. Do what you want, not what your wife wants. If you don't have money to spare for her to send back home, then stop giving her money from your savings. If she wants to send money back home, she'll have to work for them (aka, get a job). Everytime she pulls the cultural card, tell her she's an American now, and should respect the American culture. Do not have a child.
Thats odd about your wife stating that in filipino culture women do not work bc I work with plenty of filipino RNs! Its seems like your wife is holding you back bc of her laziness. Sorry to be blunt. I would say that nursing is a quicker route if you are looking to get out in the workforce but if being a doctor is what you truelly want to do then do not change your plans based on your wife.
This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies.
I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue.
Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions.
thanks!
-greg
I am a Filipino and an RN. Looking at it, your wife is not being supportive of you and it makes me wonder to what extent are you willing to compromise for her? Why is your wife so demanding but doesn't want to be part of the solution? If something is standing between you and your dream, then clearly, you know what to let go of. Talk to your wife about working things out if you really want Med School and don't switch to Nursing simply because she tells you to (hello we're talking about your dream here)... and please tell her to stop being a "Batugan" and a disgrace to what what all decent and hard working Filipino stand for. Tell her you and her american dream are not the ticket to get out of whatever desperate situation she and her family are in. She definitely needs to work too and your notion that it's a "cultural" thing that is why she prefers to just stay home and wait on your paycheck is SIMPLY NOT TRUE for every FILIPINA. A typical Pinoy would work hard and get multiple jobs just to make ends meet and not rely on someone.
I don't think this is really about switching from a MD pathway to an RN. That is not the source of the conflict. Maybe weirdly, it seems about money and who earns it. In your mates eyes, it is your obligation to earn all the money to pay her and your way in life... and to also send money to support her family. She cites her "culture" as authority for her expectations. Is culture authority?
You cite another culture for staying in the marriage (i.e., a "common culture of faith"). That does not seem to be the dominant culture in your relationship, even though it is what brought you together? Are you prepared to pay her and her families way for the rest of your life? Do you think she will change?
I'm Filipino (born and raised) and a nurse. You need to get a new wife.
My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment
All lies. Tell her to stop watching too much telenovela
My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them
She's milking you financially. Where did you meet your wife?
I know how hard it is to work in healthcare and to save money. I also know how hard and competitive it is to get into medical school. Do NOT drop out of medical school to go to nursing school. You already spent a lot of money on tuition, med application, and mcat. Why drop out now when you're half way done.
Edited:
Don't get her pregnant. I'm sorry but I'm gonna be blunt here. It seems like this girl is using you. If I were you, I'd stop sending money to the Philippines as well to test her. It's not your obligation to help her family in the Philippines. $150 is a lot of money for a med student who does not have an income.
also her reasoning does not make sense either. Why is she encouraging you to go to nursing school? Does she think nurses earn more money than chiropractors? Lol. Actually I just came back from a chiropractor. I had to pay mine $250 for an hr session to fix my shoulder..
going to be honest with you, man. your wife not wanting to work is just laziness and is using the "cultural" thing as an excuse. I'm Filipino, and currently an RN going back to school to be an MD. my sister is about to finish her MD. so there's nothing about our culture preventing us from working. before you say anything about age, my mom worked as an rn, and so did my grandma. do not give up on your dreams of being an MD because you will regret it down the road. work it out with her, or leave.. just don't abandon your dreams.
I'm sorry but where did you meet your wife? It sounds like you are in one of those mail order bride scenarios. I've seen this happen to quite a few Amerrican guys I know with international wives.
I'm sorry but where did you meet your wife? It sounds like you are in one of those mail order bride scenarios. I've seen this happen to quite a few Amerrican guys I know with international wives.
Precisely what I thought as well. Typically with these situations, the man was solely interested in a sexual relationship and the woman was interested in financial stability, generally coming from a poverty stricken country. We all know how that goes. Isn't it odd how the woman will be the only one to face any shaming? I think so.
Anyhow, OP, it sounds like you already know what the issue is. Why seek out validation that your wife's behavior is problematic? Seems you're already aware of this. Cut your losses, learn from your mistakes, don't make more mistakes by dropping med school, and move on.
Precisely what I thought as well. Typically with these situations, the man was solely interested in a sexual relationship and the woman was interested in financial stability, generally coming from a poverty stricken country. We all know how that goes. Isn't it odd how the woman will be the only one to face any shaming? I think so.
Anyhow, OP, it sounds like you already know what the issue is. Why seek out validation that your wife's behavior is problematic? Seems you're already aware of this. Cut your losses, learn from your mistakes, don't make more mistakes by dropping med school, and move on.
if the situation is in fact what I suspect I feel less inclined to feel sorry for the OP. I consider it mutual usery. These men think these foreign women will be easily controlled once you bring them home and stateside, but once they've acclimated to American life, they figure out how to get what they want and know their rights. I've seen it happen time and again. I do find it odd the women are usually shamed for it and not the men. If anything it should be thr men, they are taking advantage of underprivileged and poverty stricken women who will do anything including sleeping with anyone to escape their lives.
Dear OP, please listen to us and do not have a baby with your waifu until you are done with Medical school. If she won't go back on the pill seriously try to keep it in your pants for at least 2 more years which isn't that long to be honest. If you do not realize that you are being played and give in to her, you've lost all of our respect for you.
Sadly, you've married a sociopath and it seems she has a hold of you in her web. She's very manipulative or you're just plain stupid/naive.
Lets not turn this discussion into a sewing circle and validate our suspicion with more suspicion. This good gentleman, spiritual brother or not came here for sincere advice, lets us not infuse the power of murmuring. Let us extend the power of loving kindness to a fellow healthcare provider who needs good friends instead of divisive behavior that is reminiscent of the media. Friends, like the generous counsel we receive in the book of James chapter 2 and verse 16, let us build up this man with words of wisdom and sound character building advice to "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed". Bueno suerte amigo!
MPKH, BSN, RN
449 Posts
It's your career. Do what you want, not what your wife wants. If you don't have money to spare for her to send back home, then stop giving her money from your savings. If she wants to send money back home, she'll have to work for them (aka, get a job). Everytime she pulls the cultural card, tell her she's an American now, and should respect the American culture. Do not have a child.
Good luck.