This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies.
I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an Accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue.
Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions.
Also, the religion you speak of....look to that too. Because I know my religion, which I think is the same as yours, talks about woman being wise, doing things well for the family and being strong for the tasks....not sitting on Facebook all day.
Does your wife have any idea how much work goes into raising a child? It is one of the hardest and unappreciated jobs in the world..she is not ready for children..I say..move on and learn from this...
Your American culture of hard work, honesty, freedom and independence needs to be given priority. You are an American living in America and you deserve a lot more respect than you are getting. If your wife likes her country's culture so much, why did she come here? Follow the values you were raised with and tell your wife to get off her lazy ass and get a job. Then sit down with her and draw up a budget to figure out if you can spare anything for her relatives. Please don't give up on your dreams of being a doctor. And work on taking pride in your own culture and values. Do you have any American male friends you can talk these things over with? I hope you can get this resolved before it affects your career.
Speaking from experience, do not give up your dream of becoming a Dr., you will regret it later and resent her for it. Do not add the stress of having a baby into the mix until you have resolved your other marital issues. Stop sending your wife's family money until your wife gets a job. Then, she can send them some but not all of her salary. This is America, not the phillipines. There is no tempo tempo here in these economic times. Unfortunately, it takes two incomes to make it here and she needs to be considerate of that instead of putting all of the burden on you...at least until you have a residency and are earning a salary.
I know several people from the Philippines. 2 work full-time while the men stay at home. They give money to their families back home because they earn it. Another one works 2 jobs. The only one I know who didn't work for a little bit was because she had small children. She worked before and works now AND her husband is a millionaire. People need to be productive, active members of society to be happy.
Please get professional advice relating to your relationship. In my personal experience it will be of benefit to you, I also would like to let you know that taking this step towards getting help was a good move. It may help with other decisions/issues in your life as well.
I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment.
Sorry, but I have to call BS on this. I have worked with A LOT of nurses from the Phillipines. They are WORKING to support the goals of their families just as hard as their husbands are. Many got pregnant while working hard as nurses.
Quite frankly, your wife sounds lazy as hell, and I think she's manipulating you big time. I really don't mean to be disrespectful, but my experience with nurses of that culture tells me she's full of it.
Stay in medicine. That is where your heart is, you've already completed two years of med school.
One more thing: Do not get this woman pregnant. Don't believe her if she says she's on the pill. Your marriage does not sound stable enough to bring a child into. You have enough on your plate without adding a child to the mix.
I have asked our Filipino pastor (wife found a Filipino church for us which we both love) to help us with counseling so we could communicate better with each other. Pastor is very glad to help, but my wife absolutely refuses to have counseling b/c she says that other people have their own problems… they are not perfect either… she is a private person… the church people would talk, etc. I tell her that these excuses are silly and that our marriage is important enough so that we should not let these concerns prevent us from getting counseling.
She is refusing because she knows the pastor will expose her manipulations and lies about her "culture."
I responded earlier before getting very deep into the thread. Reading more, I think you have been completely played by this woman. I almost NEVER advise people to divorce, but I think you need to give her an ultimatum: go to counseling or separate.
For God's sake, please don't get this woman pregnant.
I also know many Philippine women at our church who work (several of whom are nurses). They enjoy working hard… even with young children. When my wife tells me it's a cultural thing, I'm starting to doubt this. She would counter by saying those Filipinas at our church have been tainted by American culture and they don't value family as much as they should.
Please don't give up on your dreams. You're almost there and youre good at it.
DONT have a child. It's stressful. The stress will lead to more fights, more strain on your marriage if you have a strong foundation already. NEVER use a child to try to fix adult issues. That's never works and will leave you feeling resentful towards your wife.
Au contraire. You absolutely are making excuses for her.
It hurts of course. It hurts to see that a spouse can put the blinders on and demand so much from another who is always doing the best he can. At this point, I plan to remain in medical school and I am in prayer asking God to keep me humble and loving toward my wife… as I patiently wait and hope that my wife's heart will soften so that we can have some peace in our home.
Her heart is not going to soften. You are really deep into denial. You need to wake up.
I think I must ask my wife to get back on the pill or sadly refuse to have relations until we are at peace within our home and ready to have a child.
You are incredibly naive to think she will actually get on the pill simply because it's the right thing to do. She cannot completely manipulate you until she has a child, and nothing you say to her will sway her to actually use birth control. She might tell you she is, but she won't. You need to grow a spine and take your reproductive rights into your own hands. Condoms or no sex at all.
Maybe my thinking and my plans seem foolish to those who would be quick to run the other way toward divorce, but I do believe in the commitment of marriage (my mother and father were never married and I never knew my dad) and I try to imagine how wonderful it will be when my faithfulness to my wife and humility might soften her heart through God's grace and we can be a team together and pull the same direction and have a family when the time is right. Again… spiritual matters may seem foolish to those who are not of that understanding, but for those of you who seek to know the Lord and who also pray for others… will you please pray for me and for my wife? Surely the Lord is able and willing to answer prayers said sincerely for anonymous people! I sure do appreciate your time and your kindness.
Your thinking IS foolish, not because you believe in marriage and commitment and your religion, but because you have been naive to think she actually shares those religious values. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions shows she does not believe in commitment to you. She believes in herself and is using religious dogma to bind you to her, all the while violating the religious values which apply to HER.
She sounds like she has a personality disorder, and you have to realize that those are very resistant to change. In a person who refuses to contemplate her own behavior, who refuses to go to counseling, and who refuses to give any consideration WHATSOEVER to her partner's needs, there is going to be no "softening" of her heart.
You are not living in reality. She is not going to magically change simply because you have prayed to God to soften her heart. You need to realize that God gives all of us the gift of free will. He does not interfere with our hearts and our behavior-that is ours to control. Your wife is not going to succumb to some divine influence outside of herself, because that is not what God does.
She's shown you who she is. You need to believe her.
Hi Greg, I was in your situation. I dropped out of medical school to pursue a nursing career. However , I will not advise for or against taking my path. I would just like to give you some insight. I also have some Filipino ancestry, so Ill give you a bit of my own cultural experience as well. Ok, so first off, I dropped out of medical school because I was not 100% committed to the lifestyle of being a doc- the amount of money and prestige didn't justify the stress and hours. At the same time, I had lined up a nursing job that paid 140k year, with an upward potential of up to 300k, with no debt, a 7 to 10 year head start in making money and investments, and minimal risk of termination. So, I made a calculated choice to quit school to pursue the job, having calculated that in the long run, i would work less, have less liability, and make roughly the same as most internal med and some specialty docs. Now I got lucky. i know for a fact that many individuals struggling on your situation (and mine previously) would probably have done the same . However I am the exception, not the rule, and i saw an opportunity and took it. So, my advice: if you are going to quit, make sure you have something lined up that is compatible with your lifestyle . Number 2: like any profession, stay in medicine only if you think you have a belief that you will be happy in it. This is tricky, as the time commitment required to finish training is so long; by the time you realize whether you like being a physician, you may be 7-10 years out with obligatory debt. However, if it is in your blood to be a doc, go for it. If you have major doubts, I'd suggest either exit with a plan or exit with a change in lifestyle (not easy either ). Now about Filipino culture ... where to start .... I grew up in LA a son of Filipino parents, immersed in the extended family and Filipino culture that blended in with an American upbringing. So here is the deal... in the Philippines, there is a saying "come what may" that resonates with many members of the Filipino community (not all, but noticed enough ). The average Filipino family in the Philippines lives off of an adjusted income of about $5k a year. You can imagine the hardship of that type of lifestyle... no savings , living paycheck to paycheck, and hoping to God that you don't get sick. traditionally, Filipinos have not been accustomed to saving money or investing it- there aren't as many opportunities to do so in the Philippines as there are here (hence why there was and still is mass migration to the us). So what is there to do in this type of situation ? Live day by day, live in the now , leave the future to God. Not to say that there aren't individuals in America with the same mindset , I'm just eluding to the fact that it is much more extreme in the Philippines. So I can see where your wife is coming from - she believes that some income in the now is better than a potentially much larger income in the future. It makes total sense- she wasn't conditioned to think about long term wealth accumulation that western culture is accustomed to. So what does this mean to you...? It sounds like she is a matriarch (common enough in Filipino society), so if you grew up in a patriarchal family, this will be a fundamental difference that may be irreconcilable, unless one of you are willing to budge. If you want it to work, you'll need to break down the wealth plan into something very understandable- if you (Greg) quit and become a nurse, chances are you and your wife will be able to live in a 3 bedroom home, a modest retirement, a camary, and w kids with some college tuition assistance . But if your wife supports you through med school, you will be able to comfortably afford a 5 bedroom home, send both kids to private school and college with full tuition assistance, have a great retirement, and afford a new 7 series BMW with a boat and yearly vacations to europe/asia . Good luck pm me if you have any questions
With all do respect fellow friend you need to man up. Not in the traditional sense, but your wife needs to understand that team work is part of a healthy and full filling marriage, and with loving kindness you need to STAND FIRM knowing that finishing med school is your life long dream. If she is religious which most of my filipino friends happen to be tactfully remind her that you and her are one flesh and you are no longer joined to your parents. It seems like you married a strong tempered individual who may have developed a trend in manipulating your emotions. She maybe the Queen of your heart, but she doesn't rule over you with a javelin, and more times than not a manipulators words feel like the sharp end of a spear. You are intelligent for getting this far in medical school, but you need to first synchronize you mind and soul on this marriage subject. A demanding woman can take advantage of your kindness and vice versa. I would encourage you to pray about this issue, and share your stress with a true and tested mentor, that could be a pastor or academic professor. The perfect man and woman doesn't exist, but there is a wise proverb and its actually a letter from a mother to her son on how to find a good companion that will lengthen your years of life and not bring shame or reproach on your soul. I would encourage you to google and read this letter known as Proverbs 31. At the same time you are doing a terrific job of being receptive of your wife's feelings. In the meantime seek out an individual that both you and your wife respect whether that be a mutual friend or pastor; their role is to shed some positive energy and encourage humility on your wife's attitude. A good wife is more precious than the most rarest coral, but sometimes in the society we live in both genders develop toxic entitlement attitudes and unless she humbles herself as you have towards her, your marriage will always be like that sail boat ridding the waves of a hurricane. Keep your eyes on the prize future Doctor, millions of people would covet the opportunity that you have to be in medical school. But after all the painful deliberation perhaps a 2 year PA program may suffice your need to help provide for your family while still providing phenomenal patient centered care to your community. If you get your act together in your personal life I'm confident you'll make an excellent leader that healthcare providers will look up to, you resonate a tone of kindness, and we all need kind hearted doctors, but meditate a little more on this issue, seek counsel, man up for yourself, and ask your wife if she loves you without conditions and to respect your wishes and stop manipulating you. The fact that your heart directed you to reach out to this forum indicates how stressed you are, and your wife is no Ursula or villain, she just needs a strong prescription for humility and a pastor/priest or marriage counselor may help rectify your personal situation. Take a stand for yourself, but do so with patience and loving kindness. You are going to be an excellent leader, now is the time to start having faith in yourself amigo. Good luck!
Jessybe11e
6 Posts
Also, the religion you speak of....look to that too. Because I know my religion, which I think is the same as yours, talks about woman being wise, doing things well for the family and being strong for the tasks....not sitting on Facebook all day.