There is this male in the term ahead of us that for the past three terms has been trying to be very nice to me. Well at first I thought he was just trying to be friendly. Then one day as I was getting in my car he stood in front of the door so I couldn't close it and was asking me out to dinner with him. I told him no, that I had a partner and I wasn't interested. Since then he still is consistently trying to sit next to me or stand very close to me and I usually just get up and leave the table or conversation to avoid him.
Now people in class have pointed out that they think the behavior is borderline becoming stalkerish because he is calling girls in my term to ask me if they are hanging out with me and where we will be and such.
Well last week while leaving the cafeteria with some of my friends he walked up to me and grabbed my hand hard so that I couldn't let go and asked me out to the movies. I was so mortified that I just flatly told him "NO" and walked away. He then proceeded to walk over to my friends and telling them that I must be busy or something because how could he have asked me out and been rejected.
I went to my instructor about it and at first she just laughed. Then she said, well you're gay and hes gay so whats the problem? I was like, Whats the problem?! I had to explain to her that just because I was gay didn't mean that I wanted to openly flaunt it, or that just because I was gay I was accepting of sexual advances made to me in pubic by other men!
Sigh what would you guys do? Its very very awkward!
You say in your post that this guy just can't take a hint. I would stop the hinting and be very up front before taking this further -- such as calling the campus police or getting a restraining order. Just tell him directly that you are not interested in a sexual or any other kind of relationship and you find his behavior very inappropriate and you would like to be left alone. If you are intimidated or frightened, have a calm and clear headed friend or faculty member present during the conversation.
People can be very different in regard to how they see a situation. Unless this guy has done anything actually threatening I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Some people just cannot take a hint and must be told something straight on -- that doesn't make them evil, just clueless.
He is putting his hands on you and sitting next to you, but, from your post, it seems you never respond to it. I don't think think you can get a restraining order because he has done this, legally or ethically, unless you have made it very clear that this behavior is unwanted. You need to be more assertive. When he touches you, say, "Please don't touch me." When he sits next to you, say, "Please don't sit next to me," and/or stand up and move.
Then, if he continues the behavior -- get a restraining order and both the campus and local police.
If you have problems with classmates, you really have to work it out amongst yourselves. I have had classmates flip me off during lectures, people make very rude statements during lectures and I don't go running to the teacher. I always approach the offender professionally and assess the situation, use my critical thinking skills and they usually apologize. Come on, this is a great opportunity to learn how to deal with difficult people that you will encounter in your work life and personal life.
Don't go to the teacher. Work it out amongst yourselves.
Try that before going to the "authorities". Usually a phone call from student mediation services will probably "straighten" his behavior up as he will finally get the hint that his advances are unwanted.
Tell him he needs to go to the Dr. to get a RX! To me that's scary ... thats not just someone liking you, its psycho. As a female, I am weirded out all the time... have had many weird things happen of the such ...
Good luck .. and if you reported it and someone laughed it off, thats sad, because thats an issue thats serious, not a laughing matter. If someone just liked you, itd be a secret crush .. again, he need a RX!
I'm sorry you're having this problem and that your school is just laughing it off. I would be willing to bet that if you were a girl and this guy was sexually harrassing you that they would be reacting differently. I really don't know what to tell you except that I'm sorry and I hope things work out.
If you have problems with classmates, you really have to work it out amongst yourselves. I have had classmates flip me off during lectures, people make very rude statements during lectures and I don't go running to the teacher. I always approach the offender professionally and assess the situation, use my critical thinking skills and they usually apologize. Come on, this is a great opportunity to learn how to deal with difficult people that you will encounter in your work life and personal life.
Don't go to the teacher. Work it out amongst yourselves.
For many situations your suggestions would be good ideas. For sexual harrassment and/or stalking they are NOT.
Stalkers/harrassers are a whole 'nother dimension beyond "difficult people." Because they insist on giving unwanted attention, they introduce an element of danger into the dynamic. There are many stories of people who were harmed or had their families/friends/significant others harmed by the sexually obsessed. Even when it doesn't progress that far, the one who is being pursued feels unsafe.
What a harrasser/stalker wants is more contact and interaction, even if it's negative. Continually engaging them in any kind of "reasonable" conversation only rewards them and perpetuates their false belief that they can somehow win over the object of their infatuation. They have a way of twisting the most benign and innocent statements to fit their convoluted belief that it's all part of the romantic chase. It is not wise to try to appeal to someone who is clearly not thinking straight. You do not try to reason with a stalker. Ever.
Anyone who is the object of such a delusion needs to cut the contact short and involve others who will intervene to make it clear that the such attention is unwanted and that further efforts will result in negative consequences.
There is this male in the term ahead of us that for the past three terms has been trying to be very nice to me. Well at first I thought he was just trying to be friendly. Then one day as I was getting in my car he stood in front of the door so I couldn't close it and was asking me out to dinner with him. I told him no, that I had a partner and I wasn't interested. Since then he still is consistently trying to sit next to me or stand very close to me and I usually just get up and leave the table or conversation to avoid him.
Now people in class have pointed out that they think the behavior is borderline becoming stalkerish because he is calling girls in my term to ask me if they are hanging out with me and where we will be and such.
Well last week while leaving the cafeteria with some of my friends he walked up to me and grabbed my hand hard so that I couldn't let go and asked me out to the movies. I was so mortified that I just flatly told him "NO" and walked away. He then proceeded to walk over to my friends and telling them that I must be busy or something because how could he have asked me out and been rejected.
I went to my instructor about it and at first she just laughed. Then she said, well you're gay and hes gay so whats the problem? I was like, Whats the problem?! I had to explain to her that just because I was gay didn't mean that I wanted to openly flaunt it, or that just because I was gay I was accepting of sexual advances made to me in pubic by other men!
Sigh what would you guys do? Its very very awkward!
Grabbing you like that is assault and battery....he can get arrested for that.
A guy on my bowling league wacked me on the butt...I told him if he does it again I'll get him arrested
If you have problems with classmates, you really have to work it out amongst yourselves. I have had classmates flip me off during lectures, people make very rude statements during lectures and I don't go running to the teacher. I always approach the offender professionally and assess the situation, use my critical thinking skills and they usually apologize. Come on, this is a great opportunity to learn how to deal with difficult people that you will encounter in your work life and personal life.
Don't go to the teacher. Work it out amongst yourselves.
I would disagree with you in this instance. Thedreamer's description of the situation up to this point shows that this is not a person that you can work it out with. I think he was right to go to the teahcer, and later to campus security. Their response to the situation is deplorable.
Thedreamer - if your brother is in law enforcement, perhaps he could call one of his counterparts in the municipality where your school is and ask them if they'd mind paying this nutjob a "friendly" visit to talk about this behavior. Police officers look out for their own and I'll bet they'd be happy to help if your brother asked them. They could certainly send a message and you'd probably have no further problems after that. And if you did have further problems, they'd already be aware of it and would go that much tougher on the guy.
Best of luck to you. I hope this has a good ending.
Wow. I don't think the sexual dimension of this should even be a factor. ie, gay or not, this guy is obviously a jerk and needs to be dealt with by the proper channels.
There is this male in the term ahead of us that for the past three terms has been trying to be very nice to me. Well at first I thought he was just trying to be friendly. Then one day as I was getting in my car he stood in front of the door so I couldn't close it and was asking me out to dinner with him. I told him no, that I had a partner and I wasn't interested. Since then he still is consistently trying to sit next to me or stand very close to me and I usually just get up and leave the table or conversation to avoid him.
Now people in class have pointed out that they think the behavior is borderline becoming stalkerish because he is calling girls in my term to ask me if they are hanging out with me and where we will be and such.
Well last week while leaving the cafeteria with some of my friends he walked up to me and grabbed my hand hard so that I couldn't let go and asked me out to the movies. I was so mortified that I just flatly told him "NO" and walked away. He then proceeded to walk over to my friends and telling them that I must be busy or something because how could he have asked me out and been rejected.
I went to my instructor about it and at first she just laughed. Then she said, well you're gay and hes gay so whats the problem? I was like, Whats the problem?! I had to explain to her that just because I was gay didn't mean that I wanted to openly flaunt it, or that just because I was gay I was accepting of sexual advances made to me in pubic by other men!
Sigh what would you guys do? Its very very awkward!
I would have went to the instructor as you did as well. Some gay men think just because you are gay you are up for anything with anyone! This is sad because some of us do have morals and values! I would have went to the program director if it continued.
Document document document, and the thing is, is that many women in the classes I have been in would easily report a male that did this to a woman so I think your tutor needs to be held accountable too. I have been going through crap here with my nursing school being the only male in the class and being accused of wanting to sleep with every woman in my class. The tutors and other students have double standards. Write it down, keep a paper trail and if you're not happy with it and the harrasment continues, the papers and the LCBT community voice would be a good one to back you up
And if all else fails, slap with the handbag and tell him to get a life lol
firstyearstudent
853 Posts
You say in your post that this guy just can't take a hint. I would stop the hinting and be very up front before taking this further -- such as calling the campus police or getting a restraining order. Just tell him directly that you are not interested in a sexual or any other kind of relationship and you find his behavior very inappropriate and you would like to be left alone. If you are intimidated or frightened, have a calm and clear headed friend or faculty member present during the conversation.
People can be very different in regard to how they see a situation. Unless this guy has done anything actually threatening I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Some people just cannot take a hint and must be told something straight on -- that doesn't make them evil, just clueless.
He is putting his hands on you and sitting next to you, but, from your post, it seems you never respond to it. I don't think think you can get a restraining order because he has done this, legally or ethically, unless you have made it very clear that this behavior is unwanted. You need to be more assertive. When he touches you, say, "Please don't touch me." When he sits next to you, say, "Please don't sit next to me," and/or stand up and move.
Then, if he continues the behavior -- get a restraining order and both the campus and local police.