Since I can't see myself as how others see me...

[MPKH]

...how do I improve my communication and interaction skills with my fellow co workers?

I was told that there have been complaints against me from fellow LPNs (this isn't about LPN vs RN, I promise) that when they find me not approachable and that when they ask me for help, I am condescending, and give off the impression that I think they're stupid.

This shock me because I do not see LPNs in that light. Also, as not one of the LPNs had personally came up to me to tell me that they have a problem with me and my communication skills (or lack therefore), this came out of the blue. I was told that it's because they find me not approachable so they don't approach me and...I can't know there's a problem if nobody talks to me about it!

So how do I work to fix it? Because I don't want to continually give off the wrong impression.

Thanks

[Gooselady, BSN, RN]

I get that, but I can't improve on something if the people I offend doesn't tell me as it happens. I can't remember what I said that might be condescending, or take corrective action to fix the problem right then and there

Your thread really affirms that seemingly rude or insensitive people have NO idea that is how they come across.

I figure if more than one or two persons say the same thing about you, there is an issue to be looked at :) I'm no better than anyone else at seeing myself, we're all blind that way. Maybe if we saw ourselves in candid video more often, we'd have a better idea? The few times I've seen myself on video, I think what a terrible poker player I would make as my face shows every single emotion going through my head!! I want Botox just so my eyebrows will stop moving all over!

I've been 'one of those' who somehow got brave enough to tell a person they seemed very angry all the time, but mostly I don't do that. It can be very intimidating, if you don't know the person well, or if they are your superior. People with a history of being abused as a child or whatever are really sensitive to this without realizing it, they get triggered before they can even think, and 'read' you as being far more mean than you actually are

I admire you for wanting to show your respect for your coworkers, rather than blaming them for being too sensitive. Maybe some of them are, but still, they need to see that you GENUINELY are a kind and respectful person.

I'd wait around for a 'moment' like a dinner break, or people are sitting around chatting and the mood is 'good', and then come right out and say "I guess I've been coming across as ______, and I just want to say I had no idea I was doing this, I really like you guys, and I don't feel that way on the inside. Please ask me "are you angry?" so I can figure out what I'm doing that makes you think I'm angry, because I'm really not" (or whatever). Make it a little bit joke-y or humorous, so people feel relaxed. If you can joke about yourself, people will feel very safe around you :) Thank you for caring to 'fix' this, and I'm sure your coworkers are going to be very grateful.

[calivianya, BSN, RN]

Smile! Smile a lot! Smile even when you don't feel like smiling! Smile at every single person who walks up to you! I got brainwashed into smiling all of the dang time at a hotel job. Like, we would get feedback in the back hallway where no customers could see us if we didn't smile at EVERYONE all of the time, every housekeeper, every other customer service person, every manager... It's been an impossible habit to break since I worked there for so long, and so I smile at absolutely everyone - even the one coworker I don't get along with at all. With the exception of that one girl, everyone finds me approachable. Or at least I think they do; it seems like I usually get asked by at least four different people for help with things every shift, so smiling apparently goes a long way.

Make sure your eyebrows smile too, though - it's pretty obvious you don't mean it if it's just a mouth smile. Fake smiling might require a lot of practice in the mirror if you don't do it often.

Striking up random personal conversations and remembering what you learned helps, too. I'm terrible with people. Horrible memory for names, horrible memory for stuff like people's personal lives. I could seriously ask a person the same question eight shifts in a row and not remember I've done it because my mind does not work that way. At new jobs, I honest to God talk to people, walk back to my desk, and TAKE NOTES on what I just learned so I can remember who's married, who has kids, things like that until I am familiar enough with my coworkers that I can remember that stuff on my own. If you seem genuinely interested in other people and appear to remember the things they tell you, they will like you better.

[bsnprg]

I am sorry I did t even read ur post, but is your picture a robot sitting on the toilet and reading probably nursing text book That is hilarious ...

Sent from my iPhone using allnurses

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

eh, don't "fake" smile or you will look like you are grimacing in pain. If your co-workers see you as unapproachable, approach them. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Most nurses are so busy running around taking care of a ton of patients that no one has the time or the energy to discuss who is approachable and who is not.

Equally, there are nurses who are hyper-focused and have to be in order to get everything done in a shift for multiple patients.

If your co-workers do not approach you, then I am unclear on why they are saying you are condescending, rude, or "think they are stupid" what is this 7th grade?!?!? Are you in a position of authority as to direct the other nurses? If you are not, again, I would assume there's lots of nurses who do not have the time nor energy to sprinkle fairy dust and glitter about the nurse's station.

If you are a staff nurse, you do a job, get it done, don't be a jerk, but at the same time, no one says you have to be eagerly engaged in chit-chat. No one says you have to rush through your own patient load to assist your co-workers, however, if the chips are down and you can, do. Because your time management may not be reflective of others is not your issue. And if there's lots of questions from inexperienced nurses on the "so, how long do you hang _________for? What is this med? Can it be crushed?....." that needs to be directed to the charge nurse for answering. (or kindly suggest they look it up--which may be considered "thinking them stupid.." Sigh.)

[Dream Catcher]

I am just commenting on the fact that the LPN's did not make the OP aware of their problems with her, went behind her back, and "tattled". In my opinion, this is even jumping rank. That's like going to your bosses boss about an interaction with her/him without trying to work it out with them first (good luck with that). My personal approach to people is to be direct and go straight to them to work it out. What I have found is that people actually do not like other people being direct with them and it makes them feel uncomfortable. In fact, most people perceive it as an "attack" no matter how gentle you try to be. My directness (not going behind the persons back etc.) has gotten me in more trouble than anything else in my life. I think this is why people "go behind others backs" to complain rather than talking it out with each other directly. It is just a complicated social interaction thing. I am me and I refuse to change who I am to please others. However, I am aware that what I am comfortable with brings others distress. I am just thoughtful about my approach. Sometimes no matter how hard you try there is no pleasing people, but I put in my best effort. If people want to get mad or whatever even when I am being sensitive, thoughtful, and gentle in my approach then they will have to get over it.

I have started a relatively new nursing position and when I interviewed I was 100% completely honest about this. I basically told my interviewer exactly what I said in the above paragraph. I was honest about the trouble I have had because of this personality trait. I also shared about my self-awareness, approach, and firm stance on the issue. I was not shown the door immediately and I was given the position. They must have been happy with me. If I would have concealed that personality trait it would have came out sooner or later. It is better that they hire me already knowing about it :)

Best of luck to the OP. I am sure you will figure a way to deal with this situation. If it happened to me I would request a meeting to be mediated between the LPN's and myself. That way I would have a witness (in case more accusations ensued). I would explain where I was coming from and how I intended to come across. I would address the fact that they did not come to me about the problem first right away. I would encourage them to come to me and reassure them that you will be receptive to them.

[BuckyBadgerRN, ASN, RN]

I get that, but I can't improve on something if the people I offend doesn't tell me as it happens. I can't remember what I said that might be condescending, or take corrective action to fix the problem right then and there

Well, that's why you've been told about the complaints filed against you. You now have the information, it's up to you to improve your attitude towards coworkers. Don't fixate on the fact that maybe they were intimidated about approaching you directly. Clearly they don't feel they can come to you directly, hence the "s" on your term of complaint.

Focus now on changing their perception of you, not what's in the past

[MatrixRn]

Maybe in the next employee meeting you could mention it and tell your side of the story and then ask for suggestions. If you are seen as sincere in wanting to make things work, it may help.

One of the things I don't get sometimes is why we don't go to people and talk personally to them instead of behind their back?

I agree with this above...take the time to bring up the matter at the next staff meeting and let the group know that you are driven and you are not trying to put people off.

[klone, MSN, RN]

I also have a habit of deep sighing . . .when nothing is wrong.

I apparently do this all the time.

I am also aware that I have a habit of letting my facial expressions show the inner dialogue in my brain. I can be walking down the hall and replaying a conversation in my head, and I'll be frowning (or smiling).

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

I apparently do this all the time.

I am also aware that I have a habit of letting my facial expressions show the inner dialogue in my brain. I can be walking down the hall and replaying a conversation in my head, and I'll be frowning (or smiling).

We must be twins separated at birth.

Just read the new comments this morning and the "smile" or "fake it" made me think of a meeting I was in yesterday with the new school psychologist, a parent, and me.

I want to preface this by saying he is absolutely awesome, approachable, funny, and supportive. However, during his part of the interview of the parent, I could tell he was nervous because he would smile and say "cool" after every answer from the parent. Even answers that were not "cool". As in the mom's divorce, the bio-dad being absent, etc.

He has no idea this happened and I'm going to talk with him next week about it.

A little different twist on the OP's story . . . . but I think the psychologist was trying to hard to "smile".

[bluegeegoo2, LPN]

Hold on a second...a couple of people misread you and you "have" to change? (deep sigh) I am one of those people with a perpetual look of as I work through my shift. I have been told that I look p***** off all of the time and it can be "scary" to approach me. I'm not usually mad. I'm thinking. Seriously. Being aware of that, I in-service new people that I work with that this is how I look, this is how I react, etc., don't take anything I say/do or how I look personal unless I have made it clear that it is personal. That approach has helped quite a bit as I get approached by most everyone about most everything.

For the record, if I attempted to force myself to smile when I wasn't feeling smiley I am certain it would come across as a sneer, which wouldn't help matters a bit.

[NurseSpeedy, ADN, LPN, RN]

It would be nice if your co workers would just get some guts and tell you to your face what their problem with you is instead of going to your boss. I understand that they may find you intimidating but how is telling your boss and then your boss not telling you what it is exactly that they found rude or condescending going to help you change what you may be doing? If anything, it could make the situation worse (However, since you are looking for help that wouldn't be the case in this situation). When I first got my LPN I was working on the med/surg floor and I saw that my co-workers patient's tray hadn't been delivered. She had gone to break and I was covering and she had given me a brief report. I checked the chart and also with the charge nurse to make sure that there wasn't anything I was missing regarding NPO status and no, the patient was allowed to eat. So I gave him his tray, literally five minutes after dietary left it at the desk. She came back from break screaming that the breakfast tray was cold, blah, blah, blah...The plate felt hot, dietary had just left it there, and I was only trying to help... anyways, I was new and quiet but I had enough. I also wasn't going to go ratting someone out to the boss for constantly having an attitude (a lot of other people complained about her) I just followed her into the empty clean utility room, where she continued screaming. I finally cut her off and said "(insert name here), chill. Just @#$% chill. I was only trying to help. Dietary just was there five minutes earlier with the tray. Just chill."....She looked stunned that I had said this and then we both broke out laughing. I said, "would you like me to reheat the tray?" We were find ever since and even ended up being close after. She's a great nurse, she's just high strung under stress and having ten patients on day shift will do that to any nurse. Some of us internalize it (me), others are more vocal. Once we understand each other it's a lot easier to co exist.

Your co workers need to tell you what is is they have a problem with exactly. They may be misinterpreting your reactions to them and understanding where you are coming from would help. You cannot fix something if you don't know what it is that you are doing wrong.

[mmc51264, BSN, MSN, RN]

I have the same problem. I have been told I can have a "tone" It is something that I worked on for a very long time and it has been around for a long time. I am getting better. I love my job and most of colleagues are good at gently reminding me. I would say I have improved 75% since becoming a nurse (I was a teacher before). I am just one of those people that wear their feelings on their sleeve and I have to really make an effort to not be like that. Even something innocent-like walking down the hall- I walk fast and someone perceived that I was always in a hurry which meant we were understaffed. SO not the situation, but it was how it appeared. That really surprised me that people will see things totally different that they appear.