Share Your Funniest Patient Stories...

Nurses Humor

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We all have lots of stories to tell. I thought it would be fun if we shared a few of our funniest patient stories with each other. :lol2:

Here's mine...

I keep remembering a particular incident a few years back. It wasn't even my patient.

I was heading down the hallway on the CCU unit in which I worked. I was minding my own business, heading down the hallway and I just happened to glance into a patient room...

I couldn't believe what I saw...

An older gentleman, who clearly was having some post-op dementia after open heart surgery....

he was sitting up in the middle of his bed and with knees bent and feet braced at the bed rail for extra support....

With both hands...

HE WAS PULLING on all of his CHEST TUBES with ALL OF HIS MIGHT!!!

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Needless to say, I sprang into action along with all the surrounding nursing staff. It took security along with all of us to restrain this man so he wouldn't hurt himself. Though it wasn't funny at the time....I can't get this picture out of my mind and find it amusing to remember.

What's your story?

Specializes in ltc and med surg.
ROSYJO11 said:
Your job is to observe the signs, treat the symptoms. This attitude of 'is she faking'? shouldnt be a major concern to you, the school nurse. Is it any skin off your nose if she is faking? I'm sorry, but I hate that attitude. My own daughter also went to her school nurse on three occasions in one day and each time was sent back to class. When I picked her up I found her standing in the middle of the school yard with her tears hitting the grass because her ear was SO SORE. I took her straight to the doctor who said her ear was badly infected. I also tore strips off the school nurse and admin staff who made the decision that she was fine despite her continual complaints. A child arrives to you with a genuine complaint, assess the child, call the parents, let them worry about the faking. You just need to assess the child and notify. And no, I don't believe she faked her fever, or the vomiting. And I don't believe this post belongs on this thread.

I sympathize with your child's ear pain, but on the opposite end of the spectrum some children are just trying to get out of class. It can't be easy being a school nurse. I know I gave mine hell in elementary school.

Specializes in pure and simple psych.

Had a patient once, 84 y/o M, w/ bi-lat lobar Pneum. I'm thinking he is not long for the world, do the best I can, and at the end of the week, go to my regular floor (psych). A couple of weeks later, there is a "visitor" at the door, and there stands a healthy fellow, tanned and sharp looking in Bermuda's and a hawaiian shirt. I could not place him (as a psych patient) so asked if he had the right nurse.

I was amazed when he ID'ed himself as the ever so ill man I had cared for earlier. "Sure, I do, sanctuary. I came to pay you back."

"Pay me back?"

Yep. I owe you two bed baths and a soak in the tub." (I accepted the flowers he brought instead)

I'm relaying a story told to me by someone who worked the phones at one of our local hospitals. We live in a college town so I would assume that this call came in from a couple of college kids.

The call comes in and the Operator answers the Caller:

O: XXXXX Medical Center, how may I help you?

C: Um...I have sort of an emergency...

O: Ma'am, if you have a medical emergency you'll need to call 911.

C: No!! I can't...

O: Why not?

C: Ok, I'll just say it. My boyfrind and I were fooling around and he has my

d*ld0 stuck in him. It's like it just got sucked up there! He can't get it out, so I need instructions on how to retrieve it.

O: Ma'am, your going to have to bring him into ER

C: Ok - *click*

Ten minutes later she calls again.

O: xxxxx Medical Center, how may I help you?

C: Hey, it's me again. Is this the guy I talked to earlier?

O: Yes ma'am. But I need to reiterate that I can not help you over the phone. Your boyfriend is going to have to come in to the ER.

C: Yeah, I know. I tried to get it out but he started screaming. I just had a question about insurance.

O: I don't know if I can help you with that.

C: Well....I was wondering if my boyfiend's treatment would be filed with his insurace company.

O: If he receives treatment, and I suspect he will, it will be filed with insurance.

C: Ok, well, how will it be worded?

O: *laughing* I really don't know, ma'am.

C: *click*

He doesn't know if they ever had the nerve to come into the ER. I laugh everytime I think about it. . .

Specializes in RN CRRN.

On one of our SCI pts I had needed me to hook up his IV atb precisely at 1745 so itd run in before dinner. Anyway one day I go in there while the Doc is talking to him. I go about my business, getting ready to check his arm band. The Doc goes, "well sir (pt) I will talk to you tomorrow. I will let the nurse hook up your med." The pt replied, "yeah she sure is a good hooker." _Not realizing how it sounded he turned on the TV and pulled his blanket up. The Doc turned bright red and said "well I wouldnt know about that." He then went to the nurses station and told everyone what he said as I had to stay in there and hook:uhoh3: up the IV trying not to laugh.

Soon-to-be-NurseJess said:
During one of my clinical rotations in the critical care unit, a patient came in with a police escort. He had ingested some illegal substance and alcohol and had been acting very sporadically and violently for several hours before passing out. He arrives still konked out after ER has figured out what he had ingested (I don't quite remember) and with a very high BAC. The nurses inform the police officers that if he is to be arrested when he is in a alert state, they have to stay there. We are informed he has several charges against him and they have been looking for him for sometime before this.

Before shifts ends, this man awakens in restraints, and tells the police officers in his room he needs to use the restroom. We ask that one officer stay in his room while he goes, he can pull a curtain etc. The man refuses so the police officers decide that since the windows can't be opened and they'll be right outside the door, its OK to let him stay in there alone.

NOOOOOOOOOOO

We wait and wait for him to get done...waiting...waiting..and finally one of the officers decides to check on him...and low and behold...HE'S GONE...

2 of the ceiling tiles are missing...the nurses are looking at the officers like 'we told you so' and I'm trying to find the number for security to let them know we have a drunken, drugged up, convict in the ceiling SOMEWHERE

Before I find the number, we all hear a great crash

Our guy has fallen thru the ceiling....2 rooms down....right on top of a 86 yr old woman recovering from a massive MI!!!!! (she suffered no injury...she just called him a c*cks*cker)

and the funniest thing is he thinks he's gotten somewhere so he tries to take off running out of the unit and slams into the doors knocking him out cold again...

Oh my goodness. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I can just imagine the 86 year old women going at it with her fists. Oh goodness! :lol2:

Specializes in LTACH, CCU, ICU, M/S, ECF.

While working in an ECF I was helping the STNAs by taking Little sammy to the bathroom, she was an old school teacher with dementia, but funnier than you could know, while on the toilet the resident was unsure of wha she was supposed to be doing, so i told her "Sammy, urinate", she looked at me with the biggest smile and said..."well thank you honey, i think you're a ten" urinate= you're an eight HA

One night I got a transfer from the trauma unit. An old farmer who had decided to artificially inseminate one of his cows. He was apparently *ahem* very frugal, and decided to save a few bucks and and came up with the regrettable idea to do this on his own (with a turkey-baster!), rather than hire a professional. As he was fiddling around back there, ol' Bossy simply sat down. On the farmer. I got all this in report, and thought I'd gotten all the laughter out of my system before he arrived.

But when I walked into his room and saw him, I had to leave very quickly. He had the most pitiful expression I've ever seen--- and he LOOKED like a cow had sat on him. All squashed and stuff with a cow-butt print on his chest... :lol2:

Probably not even that funny but I still crack up when I think of that poor old guy lol.

The other story involves a cross-dressing homosexual who had evidently been having some kind of fun with his "significant other" and was playing with a battery operated dildo. Well, the thing evidenly got crammed right up where the sun doesn't shine and was stuck. The funny part was when the ER doc did an auscultation and listened to the loud buzz with his stethescope. The thing was still turned on! You know, it's really amazing how word can get around. We actually had nurses from all over the hospital coming down and actually asking if they could listen to this guy's belly. He was extremely good natured and actually found the humor in it all! He had surgery that night.:uhoh3:

Reminds me of a story a co-worker told us (he swore it was true lol) of a woman who came into the ER, leaned over the desk and started crying "GET IT OUT!!!"

Apparently she'd placed a vibrating 'egg' inside her earlier that night, couldn't get it out and she "COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!"

The triage nurse told her to calm down, they'd get it and besides, the batteries would soon wear out.

The patient cried out, "BUT THEY'RE COPPER-TOPS!!!!"

:lol2:

We have a severly demented elderly woman on our floor right now. According to her, I have the best set of teeth on the unit! True story. I went in to help her set up her breakfast tray, and whenever any other person came in the room, RN, CNA, Phlebotomist, she would say "well, let's see your teeth now." So we would both show her our teeth, and she always picked mine as the better set, and "allowed" me to stay in the room and help her. The other person was abruptly dismissed! I ended up feeding her the entire breakfast (after tasting it first to make sure it wasn't poisoned...sigh) and then draw her blood, give her her PO meds (the RN stood in the doorway) and put her back into bed, because she went crazy if anyone else came near or touched her after she had told them to get out! :uhoh3:

I don't even think my teeth are that great...

Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.

I recently had a older pt going through alcohol withdrawal and was very confused and impulsive. He mumbled incoherently a lot, and the only understandable word he said was the F-bomb. Everything else was garbled except that word. :lol2:

Specializes in Med Surg.

I had this patient who was confused and he was walking around the unit with his walker asking "Have you seen my Cigars?" If you tried to redirect him to his room after he entered other patient rooms he would swing at you. He was sharing a room with another gentleman who couldn't get out of bed. At one point the call light came on and I went to check it out and the confused man was yanking the covers off of his roommate, who couldn't do anything but push the call button. After I came in the confused man sat in a chair at his bedside. He was being combative and smacking me so I got an order for something to calm him down but needed the help of another male nurse to administer it to him. After I gave him some Ativan, we asked him to let us get him back to bed, he said "Hell no I ain't goin nowhere with you". I agian told him that he needed to get back to bed and I didn't want him to fall. He still refused. Sometimes you just have to play their games so I told him "Mr ---, this medicine will make you drowsy and you might fall. If you get up by yourself and if you fall, you could break a hip and you would have to stay with us that much longer." He immediately said " Oh ****, I don't want to stay here no longer, lets get me to bed." And up he went to bed with no complaints. ;)

I worked in this assisted living for people with dementia. One day the CRNP came in to check on her patients. This particular day she visited a lady who was HOH. She kept speaking to the lady and asking her how she was feeling in this loud voice. The resident was just staring at her until finally the resident looked at another resident and said "she must be hard of hearing because she is talking very loudly"

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