Scared Of Bullying

[prospect]

OK... Here's the background:

I have a moderate history of my own medical care. Long-term medications and some minor surgery. I have a history of suspicion to doctors, but kindness to nurses.

At the time of a minor surgery, I had an attitude adjustment, as a person. And the nurses just seemed so incredibly cool, as with my ongoing view of them.

I am the lowest person at my local hospital - a "candystriper" volunteer. (They don't use the "candystriper" term, but I use it, as a joke.) Mostly I do the Emergency Department, for about the past year or so.

Yes, I will clean the staff room and waiting room. Yes, I will stock supplies and change bedsheets. Yes, I will serve the meals. And reassure the family members. Yes, I will be polite to drunks and psychs. Yes, I will empty the vomit cups. Yes, I will spoon-feed someone old enough to be my grandmother. Or listen to her dementia-repetition, while I say, "Yes, ma'am, there are some people who will come to drive you back home, and you need to wait here..." while she repeats her half-story from 1943. And I am nice to her.

I have been told that, I am the most "physical" candystriper here, with more interest in actual work, like moving beds (with or without people on them.)

Actually, I will be nice to anybody and everybody. No matter what I might think in some other compartment of my mind, some other time. I strive for neutrality. No matter what I see, or what I feel underneath. Granny broke her hip falling at home? Some guy crashed his car while drunk? Some random mystery that I don't have authorisation to ask... But can I distract from your pain and chat with you?

I can smile and act like a cheerful candystriper, offering you coffee, ignoring the screams from the next cubicle. And brushing off the annoying, "So do you ever see people from car crashes?" comments. Because I just want to be nice to the individual person with whom I am dealing. And I pride myself on my smell-stoicism (you know what I mean.)

And I think that the ambulance staff are are so cool. Perhaps that would be a better job path.

So... Here's the problem...

I am a member of a minority. Which is particularly hated. In a way that would make me very vulnerable in a mostly female environment. With the standard bullying, including appearance-based abuse.

Despite the fact that, I am nonsexual, and would never view another person (student coworker, etc) as either a target or competitor.

I was born male, and used medical means to make my body look more female. It has nothing to do with sex, because I am committed to celibacy. I am generally perceived as female (i.e. automatically called, "she") by random people. But, I figure that, experienced medical professionals will "read" me (as I wipe the crud from the staff-room microwave, without pay...)

I just want my own medical history to be glossed-over. And, the vast majority of the time, it is.

So, I am scared about applying to nursing school. I have already see what they do, and how hard the job is.

My fear is about being "read" as transsexual by other students, and by instructors (informed persons.) And then singled out for bullying and discrimination.

Yes, I know about the concern of people doing sexual misconduct. Because nursing is such an intimate position. Personally, I find it frightening, just as any other decent person would.

"Uh, yes-ma'am, we just need to get this cup down there, because the nurse wants a urine sample... (non-verbal: I just want the nurse to think I'm a good candystriper for doing this...) "

No, I didn't find anything sexy about that.

I am so afraid that, my medical history as a transsexual person will be twisted into something bad. And that, my compassion will be twisted into predation.

Even if I weren't transsexual, I would still fear a female-biased workplace. They are so fixated on gossip, and passive-aggression, so forth. And it is worse if they read me, which is much more likely be people in a medical field.

I am NOT interested in "feel-good" encouragements from people without experience. And, I know about having a "thick skin." But, I also know that, a "thick skin" isn't going to stand up to some bigoted nursing instructor who views me as some kind of evil pervert.

I just want to make a difference, in a positive way. If any readers here know the Buddhist "Story Of The Four Visions", that is my underlying motivation in this. I think about that story every time I am at the hospital. And I feel that, my contact with the medical profession relates strongly a spiritual path, which I won't go into here.

Comments on this, please? Not just feel-good?

Thank you....

[snoopy29]

I was lucky enpugh to previously work with a kind, compassionate caring nurse who happened to also be male to female transgendered. She was slightly different to you in that she was open about her gender dysphoria, it was not a big area of discussion it was just generally known.

In terms of overt bullying I never saw any and in fact her colleagues never really saw it as a big deal. They were far more concerned about her nursing skills which were excellent and she was widely respected.

Being transgendered did make her vulnerable in some areas. She did not have a certificate of gender recognition so technically in the eyes of the law was still male, so she was always very aware (in the same way every male nurse is) of her vulnerability when performing intimate procedures and would have a chaperone present.

Secondly she was often defined by patients as "the transgendered nurse" I was in a different department and a patient was singing her praises and in order to describe her said "you know the lady nurse who is really a man". Her difference made her very well known and I am quite sure she would have preferred anonymity.

Everyone is different and people come with their own rucksacks of prejudices BUT generally nurses tend to be very open minded. I would give nurses and clinical instructors a bit of credit and you might find that your gender dysphoria and experience of being a patient is seen as a positive rather than a stick to beat you with.

In order to get to the point you are at now you must have gone through huge personal reflection and demonstrated immense bravery so nursing school should be a walk in the park.

Good luck and always remember the transexualism is just a part of you - it doesn't always define you and how you are seen. I am sure there is far more to you and who you are than that. :)

[mom4josh]

Please don't take this a mean-spirited, but I think you need more than a few comments from us. You need to see a counselor, both at school and off. It seems that you have a lot of issues to deal with, much more than could be accomplished with a few opinions.

Good luck.

[itsmejuli]

I'm with the poster above, you should consider counseling. After reading your post, it seems to me that your issue is more to do with self-confidence and your perception of other people.

[crissrn27, RN]

self confidence is a learned trait for many people. Including me and you, apparently. Our issues are different, but we both ended up in the same place, with a lack of self confidence. It took at least 5 years of the last 11 I have been an RN, but now NO ONE even attempts to bully me. It really is all in the way you carry yourself and how the bullies perceive you. They know a target when they see one. I agree with some of the above posters, counseling may be the way to go, may bypass some of the crap I had to go through.

[PostOpPrincess, BSN, RN]

Frankly, from my point of view, there is no relevance to me what your gender is. If you are an RN, trained, and licensed, and you are orienting, feel comfortable doing the job, and know what you are doing. That would be it.

Your personal issues/concerns/etc., should be addressed by counseling, but honestly, is no one's business--just your own.

As for self-confidence...that's learned, encouraged...that's not fixable by anyone...but you.

I wish you the best. Do what you think is right for you and go forward.

If you're a good nurse, for me...that's enough....

[bubblymom373]

I agree with the previous posts, please seek counseling. It will be invaluable. It sounds as though you are a caring person and would be an asset to the nursing community. Don't let your fear of what possibly "might" happen stand in the way of your dream. People may be more accepting than you think. Personally, if you were my coworker I would think that this is none of my business. The only thing I would concern myself with would be if you were a competent nurse. Best of Luck

[whodatnurse]

Joining in the chorus here...yes...the most concrete measure you can to take to defend yourself against perceived bullying is to develop a strong sense of self and comfort in your own skin. A good therapist can help you examine your fears and work with you to identify and practice assertive responses to threatening situations you think you're likely to encounter. If funds are an issue, begin with your local community mental health center and ask what resources are available. Good luck on your journey.

[jlcole45]

Once you become a nurse your confidence will grow with your experience. I truly believe that nursing has changed me in a very positive way - I'm not saying there aren't bad days or people with lousy attitudes to deal with -- there are. But you know what? That's life. Nursing is not any worse then any other profession - and I believe it is better than most. Because at the end of the day I can usually go home feeling like I did something good - mentored a new nurse, comforted a patient, or on those rare days even saved a life.

Nursing was my lifeboat in life - I was in a bad place and school gave me a reason to go on. It also gave me a good career, but more then anything it gave me self-confidence. I wasn't just so and so's wife or daughter. I became an independent person with my own career as a registered nurse. Someone who can take care of herself financially, socially, and emotionally.

Corny but so true.

[phoenixrn]

In addition to counseling, seek out community support. Are you in San Francisco? Can you get here one day? There is quite a bit of support for the transgendered community in the Bay Area. The bullying may never end... but you are not alone and there are people who care about helping you to be strong and feel safe.

Best of luck!

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i don't think the issue here is that you're transgendered. it's interesting, but i don't really care about that, and it's none of my business unless i'm looking to get involved in an intimate relationship with you. (happily married, so no.) if you chose to discuss it, i'd be fascinated, but none of my business. i just hope that you're happy with yourself as you are . . . which is pretty much the same stance i take with people who are gay, lesbian, fundamentalists or republican. (only i'm not at all interested in discussing religious fundamentalism or republican policy so i'd probably find you more interesting to talk to. unless, of course, you want to discuss either of those topics.)

the issue is that you're convinced that you're going to be bullied because you're transgendered, and that's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

years ago, when i was 25, i was divorced. i was the first person in my family to be divorced, and there was quite a stigma. when i started a new job and people were unpleasant to me, i immediately assumed it was because they were prejudiced against divorcees. turns out they weren't prejudiced against divorces, they didn't like me because my anger over the whole situation leading up to and necessitating the divorce was making me brittle and bitter. it's difficult to be nice to someone who is always angry and bitter, and if that person is a new employee, it's easy to get into the "why bother" mode. when i adjusted my attitude, they adjusted theirs. divorce is much more common now, but i still, occaisionally feel as if i'm being judged because i was divorced twice before my 33rd birthday. most of the time, it's not them, it's me.

while being transgendered is much less common -- and accepted -- than being divorced, i'm hoping you see the parallels. if you're looking for bullying, you'll find it -- whether it's there or not. you need to adjust your attitude, not anyone else's. if it takes counseling to do that, go for it. if journaling will accomplish it for you, journal until you get it straight. personally, i hope you go for it. there are many patients i've encountered who may have benefitted from someone who understood their issues more than i did.

[RNnbakes]

on the flip side I had a classmate in your position in nursing school who was so overconfident and flippant, that she managed to make everyone (including teachers) uncomfortable around her. yes everytime.

People are going to be curious, but be yourself and you will attract people who like you for who you are.

and pls see a counselor,