prospect

"So... Your resume says that you haven't worked in six months. And your last position was at Midtown Hospital... So why did you leave there?" "Well, I got fired on the same day that my colleague Joe Smith filed a lawsuit for sexual harassment. You might have read it in the newspaper, or could find it in an Internet search when background-checking job applicants. But I followed my heart! And I though he was THE ONE! You know.. until the lawsuit... And, I really need another job now, to pay the rent..." "Thank you for applying. We will call you if we want another interview... Don't let the door hit you in the orifice on the way out..."

OK, my earlier post was kind of snarky and not really helpful. So I'll try again. Also, I want to emphasise that I am NOT telling anyone what they can or cannot do. I also admit that my situation is different to most people's. The two issues here are (1.) Protecting yourself, and (2.) Consideration for others. Legally, sexual harassment is NOT about the intent of the accused. It is about the interpretation by the complainant. A lawsuit or tribunal claim is expensive and stressful, regardless of the outcome. And regardless of whether it was really justified. Many employers are highly aware of this. I have read about people fired for asking for a date. Even if there is a relationship, it can sour. It is a two-way danger. If you get dumped, then it would be a real bummer to have to see that person every day at work. I believe that, healing from a breakup means avoiding the person. If you dump them, then they may become angry and vindictive. They are in a position to try to punish you by sabatoging your job. They may falsely accuse you of misconduct, and may try to involve other co-workers (and supervisors) in the grudge. Earning a living is more important than everything else combined. The roof over your head, and the meal in your stomach, is far, far higher priority than sex. applescruffette wrote (of her coworker-now-husband): >I learned a lot about who he was by seeing >firsthand how he treated people of no relation >to him. OTOH, being really nice to anyone and everyone could mean avoiding ever playing favourites, so to speak. I would expect to just be one of the large pool of people receiving the general niceness. I am nice to everybody, but it doesn't mean that I want to sleep with any of them. bonestAx wrote: >I knew of others in our hospital that were dating >and worked in the same unit so I asked them what >the pro's and con's were for dating someone you >work with? They only had pro's. Almost by definition, they haven't had a breakup that cost them their job. Yet. So their view is biased towards positive. wezzie, RN wrote: >If you know a co worker you're interested in getting >to know better and say.. Would you like to get a >bite to eat or a cup of coffee after work? > >Hardly sexy.. nothing wrong with making friends. Nope. It is about interpretation. I would never make such a request, for fear of it being interpreted the wrong way. And I would never accept such a request for fear of misinterpretation. Also, I have personal issues about platonic friendship. I have experienced some very serious problems where the other person wanted/expected friendship that was overtly abusive. And they couldn't handle rejection. A couple of relatively minor problems involved coworkers. In non-work situations, I have had a few people (always women) become extremely angry, all the way to physical violence, because I wouldn't be their friend. There really are people that disordered out there. For example, I will never view a neighbour as a potential friend. One time, my rejection eventually led to two-way police complaints. She was that disordered. Also, I will never view a coworker as a potential friend. That means zero off-duty interaction. I would be cautious about lunch breaks, partly due to a certain whiner. Also, I will never again directly tell anyone that I don't want to be their friend. I just won't risk the vindictiveness. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," includes platonicly. My policy now is to make excuses about being overloaded with work. And to avoid being too "nice" on a one-to-one level. The other angle of the original question (also mentioned by wezzie and others) is consideration. I am not physically attractive, and so am low-risk for sexual attention from anyone. Although it has happened, and was possibly more creepy, since it indicated desperation in the other person. I would not want to receive anything even vaguely resembling sexual attention at work. Or any other context. If I were attractive, I would be tempted to lie and claim to be married. Either overtly or subtly (e.g. a fake wedding ring.) I have a somewhat unusual personal situation. I have been directly told that, another person finding me attractive, would constitute misbehviour (even predation) by me. And some people are paranoid, and looking for some way that I am trying to lure people in. And there is a general fixation that, the only interesting thing about me, is how I'm not good enough to sleep with. There are people out there who think that, "Hi, my name is Sally," is sexual advance from me. Or even just walking out the door where someone could see me. There really are people that disordered. (Search on my first post to this forum for an explanation, if you want one.) In short, my background inspires me to be quite paranoid about sexual misinterpretations and false accusations. That is why I am conscious of wanting to de-sexualise myself. I never do anything to look attractive, or seem like I am in the sexual marketplace. So, yeah, someone inviting interaction after work would be a bad sign. I wouldn't file a harassment claim or anything. But I wouldn't like it at all. And I would view them as creepy and desperate. If I could push a magic button that guaranteed I would never again me the target of anyone's sexualised thoughts (good or bad), I would push it. Also, there is the issue of third-party negativity. I once had a coworker who introduced herself with, "My name Judy, and my husband left me, and I am going to whinge at you about it..." She was like the verbal equivalent of the Deepwater Horizon. Just spewing on and on, day after day, with black toxicity. And she figured out that I am single, and assumed that I was in a similar position, and was going to sympathsise. "Don't you find that, living alone is sooooo miserable, and you just sit there, staring into space, hurting? Don't you find that?" And she would occasionally burst into, "I've had it with men!" In a retail store, in front of customers. Constantly going on about her financial victimisation (she was a spoilt brat) and presenting with a ongoing nervous breakdown. And expecting me to join her grudge against her husband. And suggesting that she viewed me as her personal friend, and we could have some off-duty interactions... I was getting physical symptoms from the dread of seeing her. I can imagine even worse toxicity with a coworker type romance-gone-bad. "You need to hate Bob! He is a scumbag! I can't explain why, but he just IS!" Because she didn't want to admit to getting dumped. Anyway, I like to compartmentalise everything. For example, I don't ever talk about my family background. When asked, I have implied, or even directly stated, that I don't have any living family of origin. Also, my accent leads to questions of where I am from, and I give a simplified answer that isn't my exact birthplace. When asked about my occupation, I give a simplified answer. If asked about marriage or children, I just say, "no" and I know that some people are expecting an explanation. Which I avoid. I avoid saying anything factual or emotional in a workplace. I try to be a simplified and boring as possible. When people think, "Sally will be here on Friday," I want that to mean a positive, helpful attitude. With a tacit understanding that I would never, ever bring personal problems in, and would never try to drag coworkers out into my personal life. I want to be perceived as zero drama. I don't want a spouse or partner. But, if I did, I would figure out some situation where neither party was at work. It is unprofessional to use one's workplace as a pickup joint. And it is abusive to hassle someone who is trying to earn a living. This includes customer-worker situations. For the people around me, all I want is for them to feel happy with their sexual situations. Happily married, or alone and content. Simply because they are easier to deal with if they don't have some seething anger and hurt over their sexual desires. Lastly, I am creeped out by any situation where people are talking about someone's attractiveness level. Whether good or bad. And I want to avoid any bias in myself about that. I want to avoid treating anyone better because they look attractive. But I also want to avoid penalising anyone merely because they don't look good. After all, I enjoy elderly people, but would never want to sleep with them (ick.) Also, I want to avoid bias based on envy. It is important to never be mean to someone just because she is more attractive than me. I have had experience with feeling inferior, and it is just another exercise in objectivity. Maybe certain women are really hot, and advantaged, but I can gloss over that, and be nice to them, too. It is a basic component of spiritual enlightenment. From my perspective, many people are risks and threats. But, they aren't competitors or targets, and I believe that is a good position for me.

Ha! Ha-ha!!! Ha-ha-ha!!!!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!! It almost sounded like you said, "dating a co-worker." Ha, ha, ha... That is a real knee-slapper... Really, I know that I have a slightly worse position than most people... But it would never occur to me to say ANYTHING that could POSSIBLY be INTERPRETED as "sexy" to ANY coworker at ANY job...

So, I walk into the Family Room, with my usual script. "Hey, everybody, you can help yourself with coffee and tea here. Careful - the water's super-hot. Milk's down here in this fridge. If you need that phone, dial one for an outside line.." (smile) I woosh back out, with a cup of tea. Then back. "Oh from Brazil? Like on vacation? So how did they do in the soccer World Cup? Oh, I'm sorry." Blah-de-blah-blah about sport... I retrieve a couple of meal trays. And do a little supply stocking. Then back to the family room, to eat my lunch sandwiches... A Japanese woman with a small child. "Hi there, you can have some coffee or tea if you want." I chomp my sandwich. The woman starts crying. And the little girl moves to another chair. She figures out that I work here. And looks up. "Is my daddy dead?" Or is he alive?" "Uuuuhhhmmm... Okaay...do you know what room he was in?" "Number three" "OK, I will ask the nurse, and I will be right back." (A moment later) "OK, don't worry. Your daddy just went to have a test. It is a machine that looks at his head. Then, the doctor's will look at the test, and see what is going on. Don't worry." She walks right to the door of the Family Room, and insists on looking out. "OK, those people work here. The people in the blue outfits are nurses. And that guy there in the green outfit is a doctor. The people with the green and yellow jackets drive the ambulance. Like that nice guy who drove your daddy earlier. They drop the people off, and give them to the nurses. "It's just like kids at school sometime have to wear uniforms. And grownups have to do that, too.n "Don't worry." "What is your job?" "Well, I just serve the meals. And clean the rubbish and change the sheets. I am just working to try to get into school to be one of the blue blue people. "But that's not important. "The important thing is that this is a really good hospital." "Why?" "Uuhhmmm, well, they have lots of fancy machines to test people. And they have lots of very nice doctors and nurses, and, uuuhhhmmm.... And, yeah, I will apply into school, and study hard, and pass tests and get a licence, and get a job. And someday I will hear this question again, and I will a be a professional and it will be on me to give the bad answer. It will be something other than, "I'm just the meal-server..." The big things will jolt you at first. Mangled or gross or smelly. But the things that stay in your mind are actually the small ones. I can smile and serve a meal to literally anyone and everyone. I can see, here, and smell a lot of really gross stuff. I can suppress my gag reflex in both the literal and the metaphorical sense. But, damn... A six-year-old asking me if her father is still alive... Damn, I need something funny to happen soon.

You asked: >What do other ED's do for safety? How can we lock the ambulance > bay to thugs but not to squads? OK, here's the deal on the ED with which I am familiar: The main entrance to the hospital closes at (I think) 8:30PM. That is the latest ward visiting time. (Although ICU is 24hrs.) The hospital's After-Hours entrance has the orderlies office looking at it. I guess they need to buzz you in(?) The door from the emergency carpark is always open. But only goes to the ED waiting room. You might go round to a hallway to Short Stay and the rest of the hospital, though. This would be down a hallway with cameras. The triage desk, and front desk with clerks, has a few thick horizontal wires blocking it. Just to keep people from reaching over. Getting from the waiting room to the interior of ED needs a magstripe security card. Or a button-push by the triage/clerk folks. Getting into the internal rear entrance to ED needs a proximity/contactless card. Getting from the internal hallway to Short Stay needs a magstripe card. The ambulance door needs a security card to open. I don't know if it is the old magstripe or the new proximity/contactless type. (I will poke my head out this week.) The ambulance crews - we have exactly one company here - have cards to get in. Oddly, the ambulance crews don't seem to have a card for Short Stay, because I once had to let them in. On other safety... Our orderlies double as security. Their office is just down the hall, and I have seen four of them appear almost instantly, when someone was acting up. They are large and tough. There are many cameras at intersections of hallways - not sure where else. There are panic buttons in ED, Short Stay, and the fracture clinic (right upstairs.) Some psych patients who are acting up also get sedated, and sleep for a few hours while waiting for the mental health team. Others get a minder - an assistant, or an orderly. There is a locked, quiet room where they can have their interviews. The drunks - well, they are usually rather mellow by the time they get there. Occasionally adding their own urine and vomit. And being unconscious. And generally very glamorous and cool. I only know of two people who have been given official trespass orders. One smashed the toilet with his cane. And the other was a very frequent flyer (pysch, hypochondriac) who got too obnoxious. Gang jackets are officially off-limits. Although, one time, there was a quiet standoff at the main entrance. A bunch of gang dudes amd a couple of cops with rifles pointed up. (They were visiting their own member in ICU.) I feel compassion for people who risk wasting their lives on that gang $#(^ but they just go all pathetic and I don't wanna deal. So, anyway... Get together with your local ambulance company, and look into a lock situation with contactless cards. It seems to be very common.

So I bit the bullet... and sent off my application to my local nursing school. There are two nursing schools in my area, and I choose one. Partly due to their reputation for hands-on training. And also due to their association with the local ambulance company. It is a longer commute, but I think it is worth it. I have applied for a course that is, "Foundations of Educations in Health Science." This is the deal for middle-aged people who don't have much history or references to get to nursing school. Good performance on this will count to getting into this establishment's nursing programme. It is a one year deal with Chemistry, microbiology, etc. Plan B is that I also think that paramedic science is really cool. And this school is associated with the local ambulance company. This course is also a gateway to applying with their in-house programme. So, anyway, I am concerned about the intake process and interviews for this introductory programme. What do they want? How should I present myself? I am expecting to be a "mature student" meaning middle-aged without any recent school. And this is somehow different to the kids just out of high-school. The only relevant reference I have is being a candystriper for about a year and a half at my local hospital, including ED. I have been procrastinating with an application to a local hospice (they have an essay question about my own bereavement - Bummer.) So... Anyway... How would you approach a "Pre-Nursing" type of intake? With very little references and history? Anyway... This school has my application to sort through in the next intake - two or three months from now. But I don't know what they want. And how I should present myself. I live a long way from America, but I guess that this is similar to a "pre-nursing" type programme. So... How would you prepare for getting into a "Pre-Nursing" school, with the vibe of, "Yes, I am suited to go on to your BSN, and I have my stuff together... (OMG I can barely remember 'moles' and the Periodic Table, and the maths, and stuff....) It seems that this is a popular course. But, how can I show that I am smart enough, and also motivated by a personal, "calling," that will motivate me to do well? I think that I am looking at a big bottleneck where I need to keep my head down. To just get through school, and be friendly and nice and non-threatening. So everybody will see me as a positive vibe :)

OK, I'll put a few replies together. And with a practical type focus: whodatnurse says: >I felt sad reading your second post because it sounds >as if the world is this rather terrifying place for you, >as well as the people in it. It is just a risk issue. In a job driving commercial vehicles, I would think about accidents where the other party lied to avoid responsibility. In a job at a convenience store, I would think about robberies. In a job with customer service, I would think about stupid complaints from snobs. Etc, etc. In my home, I look for risks of fire, or burglary, or slipping on the bathroom floor. Or if my neighbour may be selling drugs. In my personal life, I look for risks of someone trying to use me, or getting a grudge over me rejecting them (including platonicly.) I certainly hope that you use seatbelts in the car, which is insured, and that you locked the door before leaving the house? And that you are careful about when and where you drink alcohol? It isn't about the 99 people whom I meet who are OK. The ONE person who is abusive is more important, and can have a severe impact. Relevant to nursing, you could think of a Pyxis machine. It doesn't just thwart the one addict from stealing drugs. It also protects many more co-workers from accusations or a cloud of suspicion. (As a side note, I noticed that, the little one-use packets of "K-Y" lubricant are in the locked dispensary room with the drugs, instead of in the regular supply room with the bandages and stuff...) >I don't really know what to say with regard to the >concerns of having the chromosomes of one sex and >the physical characteristics of another and having >to perform 'delicate' tasks on clients. I understand >why you're concerned about that because there are >people who might prefer not to have a nurse of a >certain sex for religious/cultural reasons, abuse >histories, feelings of modesty, homophobia, and a >full gamut of other things (occasionally silly) as >well. Yet you shouldn't have to greet all your >clients with, "Hello. I'm Pat. I'm a transsexual >and I'll be taking care of you today. Do you have >any concerns about that?" Yes, that is a big, big issue for me. I typed the thread title with "bullying," but part of my worry is disclosure. I want to be very clear about something. I feel zero "right" to a degree or a job. And zero "right" to serve a patient. I feel a very low level of "rights." And feel that I should take rejection gracefully. I would not be the employer, supervisor or patient in this scenario. It is a bit like romantic situations. The rights of the person saying "no" have more weight than the person asking. 100% more. Also - and this is the main point - I understand that many people have totally different feelings compared to me. About what is right, and what is fair, and about "should." I have equal-opportunity anxiety, and don't like anybody examining me, or even talking about my transsexual issues. So I don't place any restrictions on who can treat me when I am the patient, as long as they act decent and professional. I just hate the whole experience, while trying to be really nice to the human beings involved. I sincerely hope that certain nurses walked away from me thinking, "Hmmm, that transsexual girl was really cooperative and polite and respectful..." However, I cannot control how other people feel. That would include school instructors, employers, co-workers, and patients. Because all of those people would outrank me - especially the patient. The field of nursing has sex-oriented boundaries for many people. One of my big questions in pursuing this field, is about that patient consent issue. Let's say that, the school or employer is aware of my medical history. There would inevitably be the moment of: "Hi, Mrs Jones. Congratulations on your 90th birthday today. My name is Sally, and I'm a student. As part of my training, I'm doing a clinical placement here at the hospital. And I've been assigned to change your diaper and give you a bath. Do you feel OK with that?" My worry is that, a school or employer would expect me to say, "Oh, by the way, before you consent, let's talk about my medical history, including my genitalia..." To me, that would be as stupid as a nurse telling you about the abortion that she had ten years ago. Or asking if her lunch violated your religion. Actually, it is worse, and could constitute sexual misconduct in itself. More specifically, the visibility of transsexual people in the past decade or so, can be a bad thing - "I one of those weirdos like you saw on Jerry Springer..." Gaaaaahhhh... But, there are other people in the world, who think that I "should" be required to disclose. In fact, there are people who think that I have a "moral obligation" to tell anyone and everyone that I meet. I have encountered people who who thought that, random strangers on the street were entitled to this kind of information. Which is one reason why I avoid friendships, and learned long ago to compartmentalise this part of my life history. I would refuse to do any job that required me to disclose like this. But, as I said, I don't dictate other people's feelings or requirements. And my own experiences have made me hypersensitive about respect for the boundaries and rights and differences in other people. aura_of_laura said... (Physical and ID stuff) I live in a place with government health and central record-keeping. If I come in for a broken finger, they will know. Also, my immigration documents have a discrepancy. School or work is going to know. >Some of your fears are realistic- like elderly ladies >thinking catheterization is sexual assault, but they >feel that way about everyone. It's why teamwork is so >important. As a nurse, you will be able to call on your >peers to witness situations that have the potential >for misinterpretation. Protecting your reputation is >crucial (for everyone, not just LGBT staff). Well, can you do things like telling the assistant, "Hey, Mrs. Smith needs a catheter, and she's a little confused, so let's go over together, and you can calm her down for me..."(?) Translation: Witness that I didn't do anything bad. >I understand your fears of being a target for >blame - many of the gay nurses and ancillary >staff with whom I work fear the same thing. There are two nurses at the Emergency Dept whom I deal with like, "Can any of your people have food?" And I'm sure they are playing for the pink team (it's gaydar, OK?) But they don't verbally announce this when dealing with the patients, because it is irrelevant. But I don't know if they feel insecure. cmonkey says: >Yes. There are bigots. Yes, coworkers and fellow >students can be horrible. But that's what HR and >deans of students are for. However, filing a discrimination claim with with a tribunal or court ensures that nobody else will hire you, due to the risk. And your name gets online, searchable to everyone. >Would it not be preferable to put yourself out >there and see if people can't rise to the occasion, >rather than assuming they will sink? The impetus for me considering nursing was having a procedure at my local hospital. An orchiectomy. I was in a very cynical and negative frame of mind, feeling generally bad about the government health system, and humanity, and all that. And, it was the nurses who were so cool. And it was also me who had to rise to the occasion to be nice to them. It was one of the most "real" experiences I've ever had. >Perhaps you are in the wrong city. Just about >any state has at least one good-sized city that's >more tolerant than the surrounding area. My version of being transsexual has something like a physics "uncertainty principle." Anytime the issue has been discussed with anyone, it distorted their measurement of me as a person. Also, my view of people is though the lens of past bad experiences. My adult life has been in reletively tolerant cities. But, the main feeling is, "Geez, after 20+ years, I just want this issue to go away completely, forever..." And I know that it won't, but I still like to arrange my life to avoid it. The profession of nursing is frightening because of this. And also frightening because I keep trying to set it aside, but then keep thinking that it would be rewarding. >EVERYONE has something, a belief, skin color, >sexual preference, religious preference, something, >that puts them squarely in the crosshairs of a >group that hates that particular thing, whatever it is. As I said, sex-as-in-male-or-female seems to be the one issue where school or work or patients have real authority to cause a problem. cmonkey says: >I forgot re school physical: are they EVER conducted >by the school? Mine has to be by a doc. Either way, >HIPPA would apply to the physical. Legally, at least, >discussing the findings of the exam is illegal. I don't >think LMP is anything they'd address, either. Hasn't >been in mine. I live in a place with central, government records. There is a privacy law, but I have also previously experienced a violation based on a personal grudge (never tell someone you don't want to be friends...) I am also concerned about students practicing assessments on each other. Yes, they can take my blood pressure, temp, and blood. No, disrobing and excessive questions, aren't OK. >Don't forget that many of the first medically >transgendered people are now of an age to be >entering LTC. You might just have a patient >who *would* realize you were transgendered, >and be happy for you. Gaaaahhhh, something like that happened when serving meals at the hospital. A "wink, wink" type of comment that took me a moment to grasp. I found it quite jolting, and just gave my warm-but-airheaded smile - "OK!" I never give indications of reading any other transsexual person, and I don't expect any demographic togetherness. Although, I will say that, it would be nice to be a positive example. Both to healthcare professionals, and to younger transsexual people who want to assimilate into society. But I value my privacy, and, assimilating is associated with keeping one's mouth shut. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far.

I seem to recall some Japanese expression like, "Fall down nine times, stand up ten times." Thomas Edison said something like, progressing in his research towards his successes, required increasing the velocity of his failures. Also, I seem to recall some American basketball player saying, "You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take." I failed my first driving license test - I think I did a ticketable move. But I got it on the next time, because I kept going (and then drove cars for a living for a few years.) I'm not even up near to your level. It's a character-building experience. Keep breathing...

Gaaaaaahhh... I was feeling distracted/stressed about something else when I wrote that. So it came out really poorly. I'd like to edit out a bunch of junk in the original post, but there doesn't seem to be a mechanism for that(?) A consistent problem with writing online is that, I sound much more dramatic and grumpy than I really am. In person, I think I come across as kind of an airhead (sometimes as a self-defence mechanism.) First, about the counseling idea. There are some rather nutty people who go around claiming to be transsexual. But I actually have official evaluations from three different psychiatrists and one psychologist, attesting to me being quite sane and in touch with reality. A couple of them seemed slightly frustrated that they couldn't find anything seriously wrong with me. (Do you have a sanity certificate?) And, honestly, the mental health field is almost literally, "the inmates running the asylum." I think they go into it because of their own problems. Plus, they are over-reliant on SSRIs, and don't grasp that people sometimes have legitimate reasons for feeling bad. Second, about San Francisco. I've actually lived there in the past - it's a beautiful and fun city. However, I would rather avoid people who are highly aware of the existence of transsexual people. I have absolutely zero use for, or desire for, a gay ghetto. On a related point, I find gays and lesbians are often at least as bigoted as straight people. Or even more so. It is complicated, but has some of that "horizontal aggression" thing. Thirdly, I know how people like to focus on any difference they can find in someone. I have other "different" characteristics besides the transsexual thing. For example, I am an immigrant, and some people get intrusive about that (although I have the majority skin colour and language, so it isn't too bad.) Also, some people notice my lack of any family. There are other things, but more attitude/life-history stuff that isn't visible but I deliberately avoid discussing. Which makes a strange vibe with the way a lot of women like to ask about all kinds of personal things. However, my medical history is a difference which is related to sexual matters. Which is highly exaggerated in many people's minds. There is a common belief that, the whole thing is about luring people into bed under false pretenses. Or people fixate on, "OMG, I would never have sex with a freak like that," and just cannot move on to, "Is she a decent human being?" As I explained before, I keep my mouth shut about this issue in regular daily life. But, relevant to my question, there are couple of problems. (1.) Studying or working with medical professionals seems much higher risk in terms of people realising from normal interaction that I'm not really just a female with a slightly odd voice, large hands, and small boobs. (2.) Nursing school requires a physical exam ("Are you on any medications? When was your last period?") Also, I understand that students do blood draws, assessments and so forth on each other. And this is a field with especially intimate interactions. I mean, if you are working retail, you might be suspected of stealing merchandise, but nobody will worry about you fondling it. My medical history would make me vulnerable to suspicion in general. And especially in case of an accusation. Here is an example: http://www.gender.org.uk/conf/1992/92whtle.htm Imagine your name in the newspaper with the general message of, "Jane Schmoe, RN, who is a known sexual deviant, is being questioned regarding the molestation of intellectually disabled children." No evidence. No conviction. Apparently, the accusation was physically impossible. Reputation and career destroyed. Personally, I would never even consider any job working with children. I don't even want to talk to kids unless they have a parent right there in the room. Although that includes non-sexual concerns, like if the child has an unexplained bruise on his arm, I don't want to be a suspect. Fortunately, I prefer dealing with elderly people, anyway. Another risk scenario could be some "confused" elderly female who didn't understand a catheterisation, and only perceived that someone was poking around down there. And describes it as sexual assault. Or some situation where the patient figures out that the nurse is transsexual, and simply makes a big deal about it. I think that people who are born female cannot really grasp what it is like to be viewed as a potential sexual predator. But hopefully you can understand why I would have this concern. The general bigotry thing is often denied or dismissed by people aren't the target. But people in my position often just come to expect and assume it. And it only takes one person with a bad attitude to fail you in school, or to cost you your job. And my own risks are on top of the universal ones in medical professions - stress, lawsuits, drug inventory discrepancies, errors resulting in injury, etc, etc. Finally, I agree with the self-confidence comments. Sometimes I try to deal with it through self-deprecating humour. Also, I think maybe it is like when you are feeling grumpy. Or judgmental (e.g. about people whose medical problem is due to bad behaviour.) Or grossed out by something. And you try to stay calm on the surface, and put on the warm smile and friendly demeanor. And just pretend. I know that I've internalised some of the negativity I've received from some people. And have experienced substantial boundary violations. I tend to keep my distance from people as a result. And, as I mentioned, I don't like being in all-women situations. There is tone of competition which I want to avoid, but some women don't seem to grasp that. I don't want anyone worried that I'm more attractive, or more intelligent, or more competent, because that draws attacks. The pettiness and grudges are amazing. When I was younger, I tried to be altruistic, generous, tolerant. And thought that I could somehow redeem myself through kindness to others. (The redemption issue relates to my interest in spiritual matters, which have been more "fire and brimstone" rather than "peace and love.") And I attracted needy people, whose demands were limitless, and the interactions were very damaging for me. The recurring theme was, "No good deed goes unpunished." What I like about the candystriper gig is that I can be nice and compassionate, with built-in limits. It is much better than trying to be friends with people. Because patients don't try to run my life. Or compete over how I'm the uglier, dumber one. Or demand money. They generally keep their nose out of my business. Then, at the end of the shift, I walk out, and their neediness gets turned off like a switch until next time. And while it's going on, a uniform is like a protective shield. I think that is the only viable way for me to care for my fellow human beings. There. Still rambling, but much better than the cringe-worthy original post.

OK... Here's the background: I have a moderate history of my own medical care. Long-term medications and some minor surgery. I have a history of suspicion to doctors, but kindness to nurses. At the time of a minor surgery, I had an attitude adjustment, as a person. And the nurses just seemed so incredibly cool, as with my ongoing view of them. I am the lowest person at my local hospital - a "candystriper" volunteer. (They don't use the "candystriper" term, but I use it, as a joke.) Mostly I do the Emergency Department, for about the past year or so. Yes, I will clean the staff room and waiting room. Yes, I will stock supplies and change bedsheets. Yes, I will serve the meals. And reassure the family members. Yes, I will be polite to drunks and psychs. Yes, I will empty the vomit cups. Yes, I will spoon-feed someone old enough to be my grandmother. Or listen to her dementia-repetition, while I say, "Yes, ma'am, there are some people who will come to drive you back home, and you need to wait here..." while she repeats her half-story from 1943. And I am nice to her. I have been told that, I am the most "physical" candystriper here, with more interest in actual work, like moving beds (with or without people on them.) Actually, I will be nice to anybody and everybody. No matter what I might think in some other compartment of my mind, some other time. I strive for neutrality. No matter what I see, or what I feel underneath. Granny broke her hip falling at home? Some guy crashed his car while drunk? Some random mystery that I don't have authorisation to ask... But can I distract from your pain and chat with you? I can smile and act like a cheerful candystriper, offering you coffee, ignoring the screams from the next cubicle. And brushing off the annoying, "So do you ever see people from car crashes?" comments. Because I just want to be nice to the individual person with whom I am dealing. And I pride myself on my smell-stoicism (you know what I mean.) And I think that the ambulance staff are are so cool. Perhaps that would be a better job path. So... Here's the problem... I am a member of a minority. Which is particularly hated. In a way that would make me very vulnerable in a mostly female environment. With the standard bullying, including appearance-based abuse. Despite the fact that, I am nonsexual, and would never view another person (student coworker, etc) as either a target or competitor. I was born male, and used medical means to make my body look more female. It has nothing to do with sex, because I am committed to celibacy. I am generally perceived as female (i.e. automatically called, "she") by random people. But, I figure that, experienced medical professionals will "read" me (as I wipe the crud from the staff-room microwave, without pay...) I just want my own medical history to be glossed-over. And, the vast majority of the time, it is. So, I am scared about applying to nursing school. I have already see what they do, and how hard the job is. My fear is about being "read" as transsexual by other students, and by instructors (informed persons.) And then singled out for bullying and discrimination. Yes, I know about the concern of people doing sexual misconduct. Because nursing is such an intimate position. Personally, I find it frightening, just as any other decent person would. "Uh, yes-ma'am, we just need to get this cup down there, because the nurse wants a urine sample... (non-verbal: I just want the nurse to think I'm a good candystriper for doing this...) " No, I didn't find anything sexy about that. I am so afraid that, my medical history as a transsexual person will be twisted into something bad. And that, my compassion will be twisted into predation. Even if I weren't transsexual, I would still fear a female-biased workplace. They are so fixated on gossip, and passive-aggression, so forth. And it is worse if they read me, which is much more likely be people in a medical field. I am NOT interested in "feel-good" encouragements from people without experience. And, I know about having a "thick skin." But, I also know that, a "thick skin" isn't going to stand up to some bigoted nursing instructor who views me as some kind of evil pervert. I just want to make a difference, in a positive way. If any readers here know the Buddhist "Story Of The Four Visions", that is my underlying motivation in this. I think about that story every time I am at the hospital. And I feel that, my contact with the medical profession relates strongly a spiritual path, which I won't go into here. Comments on this, please? Not just feel-good? Thank you....