"If they really cared about their mom, they wouldn't of put her in a nursing home"

Nascar nurse, ASN, RN · Oct 29, 2011

Also I just want to add: I did not have children just so I would have someone to take care of me. That is nuts to expect anyone to stop living - and sometimes thats what it would take. I have always told them; find me a nice place, visit once a week if you can and make sure I have a plentiful chocolate stash.

*LadyJane* · Oct 29, 2011

Not very many people have RNs and LPNs and Cnas in their family who live nearby and can devote enough hours of their lives (for months) to care for an elderly parent who requires 24 hour care. I think if people were honest, they'd be hard pressed to spend 4-5 hours per day on a daily basis with their parent for months.....

It's very hard to do, unless you are independantly wealthy, and can hire 24 hour caregivers to help you care for your elderly parents in your own home.

It's a hard decision to place your dear parent in care, and it's also hard when we beat ourselves up and feel horrible and guilty about it. I'd say, you can't judge unless you have walked a mile in those shoes.

jane

Bruce_Wayne, ASN, RN · Oct 29, 2011

This is a totally separate issue, but when somebody gets really really bad, why isn't it more routine to discontinue their regular meds (like BP, anticoags, etc) so they won't live as long? Withdrawing treatment is not euthanasia but it seems pretty taboo.

I don't think enough people talk about that.

Miller86 · Oct 29, 2011

I like the topic.

Before I went into nursing, I passed judgement and thought "I would never do that to my parents!." It becomes difficult to care for a sick elderly individual when you have other responsibilities (work, kids etc). It is a full-time job and can become physically and emotionally draining. I seen my mom go through it with grandma, then she was passed around to the rest of the family. Which was fine for a while until they all resented having to do so. She was in a poor condition for 15 years!

As a nurse, I can only imagine how someone is able to work, cook, clean, care for small children and care for unwell parent(s) 24/7 without any type of assistance. Nursing homes and assisted living facilities give people an option. You can choose as there are great facilities and some not so great. You just need to do a little research about the place and make visits when possible to ensure it fits well with you and your parents needs.

My mom and her siblings didn't have that option as we lived in a country that ultimately had no healthcare....not even local hospitals!

Everyone has their reasons to seek long-term care facilities and I think generally they are a good establishment to have. Imagine if everyone took their parents home....

who would be working? Would there be more elder abuse? Care-giver burnout would be far worse than it is now.

I say kudos if you can handle the situation at home and if you seek assistance then there is NOTHING wrong with that. Children are different from aging adults. Healthy children progress and develop whereas older adults tend to decline.

Blackcat99 · Oct 29, 2011

I took care of my dear Mother with alzheimer's for 8 years at home. No, it wasn't easy. However, I made the right decision keeping my Mom at home. My mother did not spend one day in a nursing home. Thank God. I think it depends on what kind of mother or father you had. I had the world's greatest Mother. :yeah:

Some parents were not good parents and deserve to be dumped into a nursing home. But we are all different.

Some people can handle the stress of caring for a loved one at home. Some people cannot handle the stress.

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Oct 29, 2011

Some can, some can't. Before I worked in LTC I thought the same way. Boy, have my eyes been opened.

beast master RN · Oct 29, 2011

wow this issue has such vast contrast , there are so many factors at play here there is no blanket answer to fix the problem , death and dying is never ever easy with loved ones, taking care of some one who is incont of bowel and bladder is extremely tuff, you factor in pressure issues ,res, cardiac , metal issues, taking care of somebody becomes literally a 24 hour job , feeding some one three times day , all these things add up and no matter how qualified you are it can ware you down . so it is very very very unfare for people to say "if you ever loved your mom or dad you won't let others took care of them." that is just very very cruel and very ignorant

NursesAreAngels2 · Oct 29, 2011

After working in LTC I would feel really guilty sending my parents to a home. We try our hardest but the bottom line is that the people don't get the care they should because the patient ratio is way to high. It sounds terrible but unfortunately it seems to the reality in every LTC place I've worked since graduating in 2007.

DixieRedHead, ASN, RN · Oct 29, 2011

I took care of my dear Mother with alzheimer's for 8 years at home. No, it wasn't easy. However, I made the right decision keeping my Mom at home. My mother did not spend one day in a nursing home. Thank God. I think it depends on what kind of mother or father you had. I had the world's greatest Mother.
Some parents were not good parents and deserve to be dumped into a nursing home. But we are all different.
Some people can handle the stress of caring for a loved one at home. Some people cannot handle the stress.

Really? Really? What about people who have to work and mama cannot be left alone, you know the total care thing? And no, it doesn't have anything to do with "what kind of parent" they were. Stress, I know people who work all day and come to see their mother or father everyday, then go home to take care of children, cook dinner, do laundry. That's stress. And if you did have the world's greatest mother, what if when her mind went she became combative, wandered, or abusive to your children.

Who gave her IV antibiotics when she needed them? Who drew blood twice a week? What if she developed contractures, who did the physical therapy?

You were lucky you had "the right decision" to make. Not all do. No, not all nursing homes are good, much like not all daughters daughters and mothers. Judge not.

Zookeeper3 · Oct 29, 2011

I lived out of state, and had to hear my mother at 84 years old... trying to toilet and care for a confused husband dying of cancer. My mother is stoic, refused help until she physically collapsed. That generation prides themselves on caring for their own and not asking for help. My own mother lied to me and diminished the care involved with her husband as well as her own exhaustion. "what will people think". Is what she was raised upon.

I almost lost them both. When I had enough clues and I returned home, we put her husband in hospice and he died in peace. I was able to care for mom, through the final two weeks before his death.

My mother cared for my dad in his passing at home, with some home health and it almost killed her then. To go through it twice is unthinkable, let alone for an 84 year old, with no support.

Last point, prior to hospice, the factor that flew me home, she brought her husband to the hospital, confused, weak, unable to stand and they refused to admit him and wanted to send him back home. I had to tell her to refuse, and state that she will make a circle right back to the ER and then go home until they placed him as she couldn't physically care for him... he was wandering at night and deficating in various places and falling regularly and she couldn't lift him. That's the poor state of our health care... discharge him back at home .

It's because family loves their loved ones that they make the toughest decisions to TRUST strangers to care for them when they no longer can. It is the hardest decision. .... and one left with insurmountable guilt after.

elthia · Oct 29, 2011

Sometimes it isn't a case of handling the stress. Some people need to be in locked wards for their safety. My uncle was the sweetest, kindest man when he began to suffer frontal lobe dementia he became violent and paranoid. He was a former Army Ranger. There was No way the family could care for him safely at home, though they wanted and tried so hard desperately to for years. It came to a head one day when he didn't recognise a family member, it was dark, and he had her in a chokehold and could have killed her.

How dare any one give a blanket statement, a one size fits all, that if you love your parent you will NEVER put them in LTC. Often it is a heart breaking decision and families do not need the added guilt of healthcare workers or wanna be healthcare workers judging us.

merlee · Oct 29, 2011

Blackcat - - please do not use 'dumped' when describing placement into a nursing home. My parents went to great lengths to find a nursing home for my grandmother. She was not 'dumped'. Further, my MIL is now in a wonderful facility. My husband has Cerebral Palsy and I am disabled; we are not physically capable of caring for her.

She stayed with us for 2 weeks while her house was getting some repairs and it became obvious to me that she had some issues he had no idea about. Like not bathing for months on end. While I was at work and he was asleep (he worked nights) she 'borrowed' his car. She no longer had a license, but that didn't stop her. He woke up, she was gone, and so was his car.

So many problems. And she became quite the hoarder, as well.

She ended up needing 24hr supervision which we cannot safely do in our apartment. She is in a WONDERFUL place and we visit when we can.

BTW - - the other daughter-in-law (of a deceased son) has never gone to see her or taken the grandkids, even when she was still fairly conversant.

Do not EVER judge others' decisions.

I am pleased that you could care for your mom.