"Are you saved?" How do YOU deal with these types of questions

allnurses Guide · Apr 4, 2005

I notice that the original poster is from NC. Me, too. I'm not in the least surprised you get questions like that, and I think that your response is a good, kind, and gentle one.
The reason I say I'm not surprised is that the "What church do you go to?" is just part of Southern culture. People ask me that all the time, even ones whom I suspect are not particularly religious. My favorite happening about this was a co-worker who was Jewish, and had the "church" question put to her. When she responded that she was Jewish, the questioner seemed baffled -- there aren't many Jews in this part of North Carolina -- and re-phrased the question, "So what Jewish church do you go to?" My co-worker responded "Beth Israel," and the questioner seemed satisfied. It's a cultural thing, a breaking the ice kind of thing, and I suspect that your questioners are just trying to get to know you.
However ... on the "are you saved" kind of questions, let me throw out a couple of thoughts.
First, the questioner almost certainly means well, and is probably genuinely concerned for you. However, if you're not comfortable or interested in answering, I think you can smile -- knowing that they are probably asking out of concern -- and say something like, "I appreciate your concern for me, but this is something I'd really rather not discuss at this time." I would think such a response would work on a number of levels (I'm an orthodox Christian, and there are times and circumstance when I just don't feel like talking about it at that time).
It's a matter of sensitivity. There are people who are just trying to carve notches on their spiritual guns. Those can usually be spotted a mile away. But I've found that the majority of people asking questions of this nature are concerned, and if it's not something you want to discuss, then brush them off gently.
Jim Huffman, RN

I like your thinking - give people the benefit of the doubt and be gentle with them.

If asked, I say yes.

I don't have Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons come to my door anymore - not sure why. I've always been willing to engage them in conversation. Never had the little girl in the frilly dress though. :)

steph

SmilingBluEyes · Apr 4, 2005

I lived in the Bible Belt for 9 years and heard this more than once. People mean wellusually......but this answer worked for me:

"My relationship with my God is very personal and not up for discussion or debate. Thank you for caring".

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Op, I think you did a great job w/this one. I see lots of great answers here. Seems most people have a handle on this. I like Jeepgirls' response a lot, too. lol

Cassinia · Apr 4, 2005

I tell them I'm a wiccan. (No, I'm just kidding. Sorry, to any wiccans out there. My wiccan friends are going to come for me now.)

Actually, I tell people it is a private matter and if they would like me to contact their religious advisor or the hospital's (our hospital had a minister on staff) I would be more than happy to do that. I've walked into patient's rooms while passing medications where they were praying and they have asked me to pray with them. Again, since I'm not comfortable with that, I graciously decline telling them my religious beliefs are a private matter and to please notify the desk when they are finished. I avoid matters of religion and politics when dealing with my patients.

porterwoman · Apr 4, 2005

The Witnesses, though---here, they usually bring an adorable child with them; usually a girl, dressed in a frilly Sunday dress (like children wear at Easter.) You feel bad being rude to them because of the presence of the child.

My really good friend from nursing school WAS that little girl. She no longer attends the church, although in some ways she still identifies as a Witness. She has some major problems with the way the Witnesses treat women. We've had some very interesting conversations riding in the car to and from school.

There is so much great stuff here! I want to reply to everybody! The replies along the lines of "And why do you need that information?" are great.

This is a very respectful discussion, IMNSHO. Thank you to everybody for keeping it that way.

:) RP

grimmy, RN · Apr 4, 2005

having grown up (and still am) a unitarian-universalist, i typically answer these types of questions with "in what way?" if requested, i will pray with a patient and their family, but not lead the prayer in any way. if asked where i go to church, i will state that is a personal matter i wish to remain so. i try to keep my relationship to any particular deity a personal matter not up for discussion, though i will happily listen to any patient talk about theirs.

porterwoman · Apr 4, 2005

And remember if you start it, you got to keep it up, that means be prepared to speak "Jesus" talk each and everytime you walk in the room.
May I ask how long have you lived in NC?

Mmm, yes yes yes, good point. Setting a precedent that could get to be a problem later on. Yeah, I think sticking with the "I can't help you but I can find someone who can" line is a better strategy. Thanks, SharonH.

I've been in NC since I was 8. I'm 29 now. I'm pretty far west of Asheville. Asheville is a very cool, very diverse town. The far western counties are not so diverse, but there are pockets of people I can relate to.

fotografe · Apr 4, 2005

Asking me about religion is like asking me if I had sex last night. It is so deeply personal. I liked the response about Jesus being important to the patient, but I would never ask them to tell me more about it. I probably turn red, stammer and say something to the effect I don't discuss religion. It just really creeps me out to discuss something like that with strangers.

live4today, RN · Apr 4, 2005

I never discuss my beliefs unless prompted to do so by my patients. If they ask me if I believe in the power of prayer, I tell them yes, very much so. Often times, the patients just want to know if their nurse is a person they can count on to encourage them in the way that is comfortable for them to relate to. They are not trying to insult a nurse by asking about their belief system. We shouldn't take it so personally. Keep it professional...it is NOT about us...it is about each individual patient we care for...body, mind, and soul....holistically so.

I have patients that are often from a different belief system than myself. I am not offended by their belief system, and it does not cause me to care for them any differently than those patients who are of my belief system.

I've knowlingly cared for patients who are of various belief systems, and if they ask me to think good thoughts for them, I tell them I sure will. If they ask me to pray for them -- with them -- I will right then and there. It's what the patient wants to feel better, heal better........again...it is NOT about me.......or us as their nurses. :)

danu3 · Apr 4, 2005

Marital status, age, # of children, things like that is too much information for complete strangers to be asking.
I mean, that person might be a serial killer/rapist/stalker that might show up on your doorstep. Who knows why they want that information?

True, one does want to think about personal safety also. Depending your area, these kind of questions could also be cultural (sometimes it is just the patient is nosy also). Especially if the patient is elderly and is from a more traditional Oriental culture. Asking if one is married and how many kids is part of the "breaking the ice" (as another poster mentioned earlier) which we (those of us who grew up in the US) will usually feel very uncomfortable.

This brought back memory of an extreme example in a social linguistic I took way back when. It is a case of your neighbors borrowing sugar.

You have a good neighbor from Asia who is elderly who wants to borrow some sugar. She comes over and you two sat down and talk. She started by asking how is your husband, how is your kids, how is your dog and cat, and finally how are you. You two talked for about 1/2 an hour before she went "Oh, by the way, I ran out of sugar, is it ok if I borrow some?"

After this, you have another neighbor come by who grew up in the US and also needed some sugar. She went "Hi, can I borrow some sugar? I ran out."

-Dan

danu3 · Apr 4, 2005

In my region, there are many devout evangelical Christian people who I think are genuinely concerned about the state of my soul. When folks like this are in the hospital, they're also feeling vulnerable, and they probably want to discuss their faith with someone who can help them feel more grounded. I am not necessarily that person.
I get the questions, "Are you saved?" "What church do you go to?" "Have you accepted Jesus as your lord and savior?" etc. frequently in the hospital where I work. 1. I don't believe my personal religious stuff is my patients' business. 2. I do not want to be dishonest about my personal religious/lack of religious stuff.
So far, the best I've come up with is, "It sounds like Christ is important in your life. Tell me more about that."
Thoughts? Opinions?
Rebecca, that agnostic porterwoman

I am rereading your original post. It looks like we (myself included) went all over the place as it does touch some emotional buttons for many of us.

From your post, it looks like:

You are giving the benefit of the doubts to the patients - they meant well.
You try to look beyond the questions and look at their intent, their heart.
You try to be understanding as they are vulnerable.
You realize some of them may have some spiritual needs.
You are not offended by their asking, just uncomfortable because you, again, try to look at the heart.

Now your problem is:

You have a tension between keeping your religiouis beliefs private and telling the truth to the patient (about your beliefs which is different than the patient).
Instead of dismissing your patient's question, you want to answer in a way that is of some benefit to the patient and at the same time uphold your privacy.

Summary accurate or not?

I think there are a few posts already which possibly address the above problems. As another poster mentioned already, it is important to keep it professional. I would, however, add another point to it. Keep it professional in a way that is caring. Don't do it in a professional way that is distant and cold (e.g. you are extremely efficient at all the procedures but you give the impression that you are treating the patient just like a piece of meat). From rereading your original post, I think you have a good heart.

-Dan

danu3 · Apr 4, 2005

asking me about religion is like asking me if i had sex last night. it is so deeply personal. i liked the response about jesus being important to the patient, but i would never ask them to tell me more about it. i probably turn red, stammer and say something to the effect i don't discuss religion. it just really creeps me out to discuss something like that with strangers.

i can just see this, the patient asked you about a very personal religious question... you turn red... stammer, and said "i don't discuss sex..." covered your mouth with your hands in horror, turned bright red enough to light up the room, ran out of the room. :chuckle

-dan

allnurses Guide · Apr 4, 2005

Asking me about religion is like asking me if I had sex last night. It is so deeply personal. I liked the response about Jesus being important to the patient, but I would never ask them to tell me more about it. I probably turn red, stammer and say something to the effect I don't discuss religion. It just really creeps me out to discuss something like that with strangers.

Don't work around some of our night shift nurses . . . . they will tell you quite a bit about their sex lives. :wink2:

steph