Pregnant, scared, emetophobe, nursing student

[Zerocks]

I'm very ashamed of what I'm about to write. So ashamed, in fact, I took the time to make a new username. I don't expect anyone to care, to respond, or to understand. I guess I'm sort of writing it out for self comfort, or perhaps out of desperation. I know it is very long. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems, just a place to vent.

I've had emotophobia my entire life. I'm not sure how I developed it, but it has controlled my life since I was a child. Emetophobia is the fear of vomit. Not only fear or someone vomiting around me, but of vomiting myself. My chest physically hurts, palms get sweaty, dry mouth, uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating, uncontrollable trembling, and stuttering to the point where people can't understand me. I want to get as far from the situation as possible.

I decided to become a nurse when my best friend was put on life support. He was septic and went into acute respiratory failure. The nurses were my heroes; so strong, so kind, so intelligent, observant, so comforting, so passionate, and so quick. I wanted to be a nurse, and immediately felt it was my calling. He lived through it miraculously, we dated, and eventually got married this past November.

Last Wednesday I found out I was pregnant. We were not trying. I start my next semester of nursing school this week. I have been having panic attacks daily. I spend all day crying, and trying desperately not to vomit. I am so nauseated I feel I may vomit any second. Forcing myself to eat is like having a hangover (never had one, assuming here) and having someone put a pile of feces in front of you, and telling you that you'll feel better if you just eat it. My stomach hurts horribly if I don't eat, it hurts even worse when I do. I have bloating, diarrhea, but feel constipated. My panic attacks feel like heart attacks. I feel like I am literally going to die, throw up, or both. I don't feel any bonding toward the baby I'm growing. In fact, I feel resentful, depressed, absolutely terrified, and want nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up again. My husband has been nothing but supportive and is over the moon happy about the baby.

I am on promethazine but only take it once a day in the evening because it makes me so sleepy. I can't imagine taking it at 5am to get ready for 8 hours of clinicals. I can't imagine forcing myself to eat every hour during busy clinicals and lecture. I was hoping in nursing school I would have exposure to someone getting sick, and I could be superwoman again. I was not ready for this, I can't do this. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I secretly hope I just don't wake up. I am a coward. Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

[Sour Lemon]

Please discuss these issues with your health care provider. These are not problems that can be solved on an internet message board.

[cleback]

Although I agree to discuss it with a provider, I just wanted to give you a little support. {{{{{Hugs}}}}} Sorry for turmoil in your life right now. This too will pass!

[Rexie]

I too wanted to add my support. You thought you had a plan and now you've been thrown a curve. It's okay. Life does that. And don't worry about bonding with the baby. You only found out a week ago that you were pregnant. I felt the same way when I had my first child, as many women do. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to the idea. You've got a lot going on, you're feeling lousy. Be gentle with yourself.

As others have said, talk to your healthcare provider. Hope you feel better quickly. Hugs.

[NICUismylife, ADN, BSN, RN]

I have been having panic attacks daily. I spend all day crying, and trying desperately not to vomit. I feel resentful, depressed, absolutely terrified, and want nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up again.

I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I secretly hope I just don't wake up.

These statements are very concerning. You NEED to see your doctor and tell him about this. If you're more comfortable with your OB, talk to him/her. You NEED to seek help. Now. You also need to confide in your husband if you haven't already.

FYI, I didn't bond with my first baby until after he was born, and he was very much planned. Do not feel guilty about that, it's fairly normal.

[Mia415]

I'm so sorry and yes please find a good doctor or OB and a therapist to talk this over with. I'm very very concerned that you said you hope you don't wake up. Please hang in there and get help. In the mean time have you tried ginger chews? Ginger helps a lot of people with nausea. Maybe nursing school can wait for a little while until you are past the nausea or maybe even till after the baby?

P.s. I saw a lot of vomit in nursing school just so you know... Best wishes to you and I hope you get though this stressful time. Congratulations on the baby!

[cjcsoon2bnp, MSN, RN, NP]

To the OP, hang in there and know that people in this world (even us as strangers) are supporting you and send our best wishes!

With that being said, if you don't already, please establish both a PCP and an OB provider right away. It sounds like you are having some issues that need to be addressed by both providers for your health and the health of your unborn child.

Secondly, I strongly recommend seeking out mental health counseling promptly. You are experiencing a significant amount of anxiety and distress because of this longstanding phobia and recent events are contributing to anxiety that is impacting your quality of life. I would contact your school immediately and find out their policy on taking a LOA because it doesn't sound like you are in the best condition to try and take courses (especially clinical-based courses) this semester.

Best of luck and please don't try to do this all alone.

!Chris

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

Phobias can be successfully addressed with therapy. Please get a referral to a a professional who specializes in anxiety disorders and phobias. Some patients are amazed at how quickly their fears abate with the proper treatment.

[NurseGirl525, ASN, RN]

Please get help. If you are feeling suicidal, call a suicide helpline tonight. Saying you hope to not wake up is very concerning to me.

Just know, you will see vomit as a nurse. I'm sorry you have this phobia. I bet with some good therapy, you can treat it.

[Cat365]

As the previous posters stated you need to find a counselor that specializes in phobias immediately. You also need to contact your primary care or your OB provider. I would set up a meeting with your school to discuss your taking a leave of absence or dropping clinical classes. If you still need any other.non nursing classes maybe you could take them at half time this semester.

I would not worry about your lack of bonding at this point. The baby is not likely real to you at this point. You haven't seen him/her or even really felt them move yet. However, a baby is coming and it will likely vomit at some point so get a good conselor.

I I used to have panic attacks as well I used a method of flooding to stop them, but I'm contrary and they always pissed me off as much as they panicked. Find a professional that is willing to find what works for you. I also was completely healthy and not pregnant with another life to consider.

Good luck and best wishes.

[Guttercat, ASN, RN]

Hi, I'm Guttercat. The mean one.

Let me ask you, do you even realize how awesome your life is right now?

Definitely seek counseling. Don't allow this disorder to rob you of your joy. Yes, it really is all in your head. Get it sorted now, or risk losing years of precious time and joyful experiences to something that will not get better if you ignore it.

[JustMeRN]

I agree, talk to a professional. But, on a supportive note. My second pregnancy was unplanned, unexpected, unwanted. I cried, screamed, was soooo mad, secretly prayed I would miscarry. It took until 2 weeks before she arrived for me to make peace with the fact that a baby was coming, but I did. 7 years later and we are ok, things often have a way of working out. Find a therapist now, if you are not eating both you and your baby are going to suffer.