Pregnant, scared, emetophobe, nursing student

[Zerocks]

I'm very ashamed of what I'm about to write. So ashamed, in fact, I took the time to make a new username. I don't expect anyone to care, to respond, or to understand. I guess I'm sort of writing it out for self comfort, or perhaps out of desperation. I know it is very long. I don't expect anyone to solve my problems, just a place to vent.

I've had emotophobia my entire life. I'm not sure how I developed it, but it has controlled my life since I was a child. Emetophobia is the fear of vomit. Not only fear or someone vomiting around me, but of vomiting myself. My chest physically hurts, palms get sweaty, dry mouth, uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating, uncontrollable trembling, and stuttering to the point where people can't understand me. I want to get as far from the situation as possible.

I decided to become a nurse when my best friend was put on life support. He was septic and went into acute respiratory failure. The nurses were my heroes; so strong, so kind, so intelligent, observant, so comforting, so passionate, and so quick. I wanted to be a nurse, and immediately felt it was my calling. He lived through it miraculously, we dated, and eventually got married this past November.

Last Wednesday I found out I was pregnant. We were not trying. I start my next semester of nursing school this week. I have been having panic attacks daily. I spend all day crying, and trying desperately not to vomit. I am so nauseated I feel I may vomit any second. Forcing myself to eat is like having a hangover (never had one, assuming here) and having someone put a pile of feces in front of you, and telling you that you'll feel better if you just eat it. My stomach hurts horribly if I don't eat, it hurts even worse when I do. I have bloating, diarrhea, but feel constipated. My panic attacks feel like heart attacks. I feel like I am literally going to die, throw up, or both. I don't feel any bonding toward the baby I'm growing. In fact, I feel resentful, depressed, absolutely terrified, and want nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up again. My husband has been nothing but supportive and is over the moon happy about the baby.

I am on promethazine but only take it once a day in the evening because it makes me so sleepy. I can't imagine taking it at 5am to get ready for 8 hours of clinicals. I can't imagine forcing myself to eat every hour during busy clinicals and lecture. I was hoping in nursing school I would have exposure to someone getting sick, and I could be superwoman again. I was not ready for this, I can't do this. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. I secretly hope I just don't wake up. I am a coward. Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

[JustMeRN]

Oh, and another thing. Through both of my pregnancies I dealt with significant nausea for the first trimester, but never vomitted once. So it's not a given you will vomit.

[NurseStorm, BSN, RN]

I am so sorry Definitely recommend seeking counselling for the phobia ). So it is possible!! What I did was basically self exposure therapy.

The other huge benefit of this for me/my patients is the extra empathy it has made me have. I advocate for use of topical creams for patients with phobias to the point a labour patient and her husband almost crying with gratitude for how much I made her experience amazing when she was more scared of the IV than the delivery due to her last experience in labour, or a teenager starting to control her phobia, etc. I pride myself on my injection technique and so many times I have people gush to me how that was the least painful injection they ever had, or similar sentiment. And that means the world to me. I'm not saying this to sound like I'm bragging, but just to show how you can turn this into something so positive once you get over it

[PCURN22]

That's a very difficult phobia to have, especially as a nurse. From the symptoms you're describing, it sounds like you may have some kind of additional anxiety/panic disorder (just a guess, I'm not even remotely qualified to assume that). But like a lot of other posters I think you would definitely benefit from some professional help. I'm not sure about the safety of benzos during pregnancy (it's technically category D but some doctors say the risk to the baby is worse from actual panic attacks), but I do know from experience that Ativan or Xanax can be really helpful when used occasionally for severe anxiety. That might be something for you to look into, although obviously you wouldn't be able to take something like that before clinical either.

But if it makes you feel better, I have a co-worker who has a pretty severe aversion to vomit...in the past the rest of us have always worked with her to try and make sure she's not assigned to patients who have been vomiting, or if one of her patients throws up one of us will take care of it if we can. In return she helps out with our patients, too. That might be a rare example, but I think almost every nurse has one "thing" that disgusts them more than others. Hopefully if your co-workers are understanding they'll try to help you out as much as possible. So you're not alone!!

But definitely seek help if you're feeling like you wish you wouldn't wake up Nursing school is really overwhelming, I can't even imagine how it would feel to find out you're pregnant right before the semester starts. You're obviously under a lot of stress, and there's no shame in admitting that and asking for help! Best of luck :)