phone calls no outsider would believe

Specialties Emergency

Published

Got a call the other night, demanding to know if a man could still have an erection when he was dead, if it happened automatically.

I told him that was not something I was going to answer, he demanded to know why I didn't know, wasn't I a nurse??!! Go get another nurse!!

Told him again, this is not something I was going to discuss with him, so he told me he would be reporting me to both our local newspapers!

What's yours?

Female caller asks- "Is dog semen harmful if swallowed?"

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
Female caller asks- "Is dog semen harmful if swallowed?"

Not gonna ask, don't wanna know lol.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ICU, PICC Nurse, Nursing Supervisor.

lol... I love this thread

One of my favorites:

caller: I was just looking at a calender.

me: Yes?

caller: Well, I was looking at February.

me:Yes?

Caller: Well, I just saw that February only has 28 days, and I always start my period on the 30th. Am I going to have a period this month?

And administration tells us we don't do enough patient teaching!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Telemetry/Med Surg.
Female caller asks- "Is dog semen harmful if swallowed?"

O M G

other than that one, these are funny!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ER, ICU, L&D, OR.

I had a call asking if I was working

then when I said yes, they said they were going elsewhere

made me proud

probably a good reason for that

Up Vote Up Vote ×
(The ED doc is full on cackling at this point)

So am I, reading this!!!!!

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Had one caller ask to make an appointment in the ED for that afternoon. When I asked if she realized that this was an EMERGENCY Department, she said yes, and she wanted an appointment so she didn't have to wait.

Another one:

Caller in a very demanding tone: "Where is my kidney stone now?!"

Me: "I don't know where did you put it last?"

Caller #2: "Can you tell if my arm is broken?"

Unit Secretary: "Hold it up to the phone so I can see."

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ED-CEN/PACU/Flight.
Female caller asks- "Is dog semen harmful if swallowed?"

OK, after the big EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, I would have said, "You'll need to ask the ASPCA!"

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Me Surge.
Oh - how funny!

I had a woman call (my normal answer with telephone advice is fairly standard - I'm sorry but our policy prohibits me from answering questions, giving advice, directions or determining if you need to come in or not......)

But, this one was a WINNER.

CALLER: "There is a worm hanging out of my nephews butt, what should I do?"

ME: "Well, can you tell me what kind of worm it is? or Can you tell if it is the worm head or tail?" (The ED doc is very amused)

CALLER: "No, is it important?"

ME: "Oh yes, its all important. Is the worm big, small - oh, and how old is your nephew?"

CALLER: "The worm is sort of thin, yellowish - but, my nephew is 17."

ME: "You are looking at your 17 year old nephews butt."

CALLER: "Its hanging out about 10 inches."

ME: "Well, I guess there is nothing left to do but pull it on out - but now be careful not to break it - IF the head is hanging out and it "breaks" the worm will die, but if the "tail" is hanging out and it breaks the worm sucks back up and the tail grows back." (The ED doc is full on cackling at this point)

CALLER: "Really."

ME: "Really. But all worm emergency aside - your nephew and maybe others in the family will need to see your doctor for de-worming as soon as possible - call first thing in the morning. But, you can come to the ER....yak, yak yak - standard answer ".

NEVER SAW THE WORM PATIENT.

Other WINNERS:

* Lost "condom" 17 years ago - "Could it still be there?" NO.

* You (meaning the ER) gave me this enema thing to use at home and there are no directions can you tell me how to use it? NO. (First, we don't send home enemas and second I suspect this male caller had a "history" and sure enough had not been in out facility for months....no "fun" "directions" from me ;) )

* Actual patient - husband "eating" the Fun Size Snickers out of her ___ , the melting rate of the candy, exceeded the husbands appetite - so, panic over "lost" peanuts set in. 10 liters of lady partsl irrigation later the ER doc suggested to the hungry hubby (yep, he stayed for the whole sticky mess) that Milky Way bars may be a better choice. :idea:

KEEP ON SMILING - AFTER ALL THATS WHAT WE DO BEST!? :)

I think we have a winner! The enema story. Can't say I ever heard that before.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
* You (meaning the ER) gave me this enema thing to use at home and there are no directions can you tell me how to use it? NO. (First, we don't send home enemas and second I suspect this male caller had a "history" and sure enough had not been in out facility for months....no "fun" "directions" from me ;) )

People like that annoy the *(&^%!! out of me!!!

Question, though: why not send home an enema? We do, along with detailed instructions on its use.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Caller: Hi...is there any nurses there? I have a question. (Nope...no nurses here...I'm a patient and the phone woke me up, so I answered it.)

Sure...I'm a nurse.

Caller: Oh...I didn't know if there was someone there at night or if the patients just called someone if they needed something.

We're here 24/7...what is your question?

Caller: Well, you know those home pregnant tests? My friend bougt one because she got drunk and got laid and when I made a wet on that stick, the little pop up message said, "pregnant." Now does that mean my friend is gonna have a baby?

Are you trying to find out if you are pregnant or is your friend trying to find out if she is pregnant?

Caller: Oh...well, it's my friend...she made a wet on that stick.

Oh, OK. Usually if the test window says pregnant, whoever used the test is pregnant. The chances of a false postive are very slim.

Caller: So, she might not be pregnant?

That is always possible, but unlikely. If she isn't sure, she needs to make an appointment with her doctor. Who is her doctor? (I only asked because we had one doctor who didn't want us telling his pregnant patients anything...he wanted to give any telephone advice, etc).

Caller: I go to Dr. _____.

But, who does your friend see?

Caller: Oh, yeah...she sees him too.

Well...the best advice I can give your friend is to schedule an appointment...his office opens at 8:30...do you need his phone number?

Caller: No...I have an appointment tomorrow. I just wanted to know if she is pregnant or not.

OK...call if you have anymore questions or concerns.

Caller: I will...what is the phone number for the hospital?

Up Vote Up Vote ×

We get so many of these because my hospital recently axed the "Ask A Nurse" Line due to "increasing costs." We have been keeping track and recently counte 20+ advice calls in one 12 hour night shift. Another one of my favorites-

Male caller asks- "Uh yeah, I was wondering what the symptoms of genital warts are?"

Me- Well, are you concerned if you might have them?

Caller- How would I know, I've never had them before.

Me- Well, do you have any leisions that are causing you concern?

Caller- How would I know, I've never had them before?

Me- Well sir, do you have anything in that area that looks like it might be a wart?

Caller- How would I know, I've never seen warts before. How bout I just come in and you check. I'll be in in about an hour, can you mark me down for an appointment

(This is all at 3am mind you)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Add a Comment