phone calls no outsider would believe

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Specializes in Trauma, Teaching.

Got a call the other night, demanding to know if a man could still have an erection when he was dead, if it happened automatically.

I told him that was not something I was going to answer, he demanded to know why I didn't know, wasn't I a nurse??!! Go get another nurse!!

Told him again, this is not something I was going to discuss with him, so he told me he would be reporting me to both our local newspapers!

What's yours?

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Many years ago, in the middle of a busy night, I answered the phone and a girl said "I heard that if you have sex in a certain position, you can make a boy or a girl. I want a baby boy, can you tell me what position we need to do it in?"

Me (after staring at the phone in disbelief for a second): "I'm sorry, we don't give advice over the phone. You'll have to ask your doctor. Goodbye."

The saddest phone call: a woman called me in tears and asked if it was possible to test a vag discharge for semen. Her husband had seen a white discharge on her undies and accused her of having an affair.

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Specializes in ER, OR, Cardiac ICU.

Last winter/early spring, there was an outbreak of mumps in Iowa. Working in southern Minnesota, I received a call from a mother that asked what the s/s of mumps were. I took the easy way out and told her that if she felt she need to be evaluated to come on in or best yet, make an appointment with her PCP. She says, no, it's not her but her daughter. And she's not even sure about the mumps but was worried because her daughter ate at a Pizza Hut in Iowa today. She was in Iowa for a total of "only a few hours, but do you think she'll get it?"

No ma'am, much like her mother, she doesn't get it.

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Specializes in NA, Stepdown, L&D, Trauma ICU, ER.

The saddest phone call: a woman called me in tears and asked if it was possible to test a vag discharge for semen. Her husband had seen a white discharge on her undies and accused her of having an affair.

I got one better. 2 months ago my mom called her sister and said that my father is now denying that I'm his because of dirty undies and a pubic hair he found in the bathroom 29 years ago :uhoh3: What is it with men and undies?

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Specializes in ER, OR, Cardiac ICU.

mmmmmm undies.....

Oh wait! Did I say that out loud?!?!?!

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Specializes in Trauma/ED.

The most common and aggravating call I get is, "Are you guys busy tonight, I was in there earlier and the waiting room was full?"

I give my standard answer, "I cannot tell you how busy we will be when you get here because things can change at any time, this is the EMERGENCY department."

If it's an emergency come in, if you can wait for a less busy time to decide if you are going to come in GO TO THE CLINICS!!!!

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

Larry, I used to get the same thing when I was the clerk in the ER. I would tell them the same thing...we may not be too busy now but who knows what will happen in the next 30 seconds. Then they would ask "well can I make an appointment? I can be there in 20 minutes...." no maam the ER does not make appointments, it is first come first served unless you are critical then you get bumped ahead of the line....the next thing you know the waiting room is full and I would hear..."well I called and she said you were not busy and I made an appointment....please people this is not a clinic it is an ER.....gotta love the public....

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Specializes in Flight, ER, Transport, ICU/Critical Care.

Oh - how funny!

I had a woman call (my normal answer with telephone advice is fairly standard - I'm sorry but our policy prohibits me from answering questions, giving advice, directions or determining if you need to come in or not......)

But, this one was a WINNER.

CALLER: "There is a worm hanging out of my nephews butt, what should I do?"

ME: "Well, can you tell me what kind of worm it is? or Can you tell if it is the worm head or tail?" (The ED doc is very amused)

CALLER: "No, is it important?"

ME: "Oh yes, its all important. Is the worm big, small - oh, and how old is your nephew?"

CALLER: "The worm is sort of thin, yellowish - but, my nephew is 17."

ME: "You are looking at your 17 year old nephews butt."

CALLER: "Its hanging out about 10 inches."

ME: "Well, I guess there is nothing left to do but pull it on out - but now be careful not to break it - IF the head is hanging out and it "breaks" the worm will die, but if the "tail" is hanging out and it breaks the worm sucks back up and the tail grows back." (The ED doc is full on cackling at this point)

CALLER: "Really."

ME: "Really. But all worm emergency aside - your nephew and maybe others in the family will need to see your doctor for de-worming as soon as possible - call first thing in the morning. But, you can come to the ER....yak, yak yak - standard answer ".

NEVER SAW THE WORM PATIENT.

Other WINNERS:

* Lost "condom" 17 years ago - "Could it still be there?" NO.

* You (meaning the ER) gave me this enema thing to use at home and there are no directions can you tell me how to use it? NO. (First, we don't send home enemas and second I suspect this male caller had a "history" and sure enough had not been in out facility for months....no "fun" "directions" from me ;) )

* Actual patient - husband "eating" the Fun Size Snickers out of her ___ , the melting rate of the candy, exceeded the husbands appetite - so, panic over "lost" peanuts set in. 10 liters of lady partsl irrigation later the ER doc suggested to the hungry hubby (yep, he stayed for the whole sticky mess) that Milky Way bars may be a better choice. :idea:

KEEP ON SMILING - AFTER ALL THATS WHAT WE DO BEST!? :)

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I have the lovely job of answering the phones in the EC every night.

Yeah, I just love the callers that want to know how long the wait is. Larry, I like your response, I'm going to use it. And I've had people try to "call ahead", and I always want to say, "Listen, this ain't Outback Steakhouse - we don't have call-ahead seating!" I've often thought maybe we should hand out those little things from restaurants (that buzz and light up when your table is ready) to our patients - then they could go grab a drink at our Starbucks, or browse the gift shop while they're waiting to be seen. :rolleyes:

And when I answer the phone, I've noticed that if someone immediately prefaces whatever they're about to say with, "How ya doing?" They are going to ask me something stupid. Never fails. Like, "I was there a couple weeks ago with back pain and I lost my prescription so will the doctor call in some vicodin for me?" Ummm... NO.

I know I have more funnies, but I can't recall them at the moment... will post more when/if I think of them, or if I get any good calls at work tonight!

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Specializes in ICU, PICC Nurse, Nursing Supervisor.

ROFLMAO......:roll:roll:roll:roll:roll:roll:roll

Oh - how funny!

I had a woman call (my normal answer with telephone advice is fairly standard - I'm sorry but our policy prohibits me from answering questions, giving advice, directions or determining if you need to come in or not......)

But, this one was a WINNER.

CALLER: "There is a worm hanging out of my nephews butt, what should I do?"

ME: "Well, can you tell me what kind of worm it is? or Can you tell if it is the worm head or tail?" (The ED doc is very amused)

CALLER: "No, is it important?"

ME: "Oh yes, its all important. Is the worm big, small - oh, and how old is your nephew?"

CALLER: "The worm is sort of thin, yellowish - but, my nephew is 17."

ME: "You are looking at your 17 year old nephews butt."

CALLER: "Its hanging out about 10 inches."

ME: "Well, I guess there is nothing left to do but pull it on out - but now be careful not to break it - IF the head is hanging out and it "breaks" the worm will die, but if the "tail" is hanging out and it breaks the worm sucks back up and the tail grows back." (The ED doc is full on cackling at this point)

CALLER: "Really."

ME: "Really. But all worm emergency aside - your nephew and maybe others in the family will need to see your doctor for de-worming as soon as possible - call first thing in the morning. But, you can come to the ER....yak, yak yak - standard answer ".

NEVER SAW THE WORM PATIENT.

Other WINNERS:

* Lost "condom" 17 years ago - "Could it still be there?" NO.

* You (meaning the ER) gave me this enema thing to use at home and there are no directions can you tell me how to use it? NO. (First, we don't send home enemas and second I suspect this male caller had a "history" and sure enough had not been in out facility for months....no "fun" "directions" from me ;) )

* Actual patient - husband "eating" the Fun Size Snickers out of her ___ , the melting rate of the candy, exceeded the husbands appetite - so, panic over "lost" peanuts set in. 10 liters of lady partsl irrigation later the ER doc suggested to the hungry hubby (yep, he stayed for the whole sticky mess) that Milky Way bars may be a better choice. :idea:

KEEP ON SMILING - AFTER ALL THATS WHAT WE DO BEST!? :)

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Specializes in Looking for a career in NICU.

Ok, this is the BEST thread so far.

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One of my favorites:

caller: I was just looking at a calender.

me: Yes?

caller: Well, I was looking at February.

me:Yes?

Caller: Well, I just saw that February only has 28 days, and I always start my period on the 30th. Am I going to have a period this month?

And administration tells us we don't do enough patient teaching!

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