phone calls no outsider would believe

Specialties Emergency

Published

Got a call the other night, demanding to know if a man could still have an erection when he was dead, if it happened automatically.

I told him that was not something I was going to answer, he demanded to know why I didn't know, wasn't I a nurse??!! Go get another nurse!!

Told him again, this is not something I was going to discuss with him, so he told me he would be reporting me to both our local newspapers!

What's yours?

Specializes in cardiac med-surg.

dog semen

oooooohhhhh

very very yucky

:barf02:

now i know how to use smilies!

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Specializes in Flight, ER, Transport, ICU/Critical Care.

Hey TazziRN - the "enema thing" was from a patient that had been known to seek bizarre sexual titillation from descriptive procedures...ewww!

(Maybe I could have have just told him to stick it up his bum, but I just couldn't - too icky.....creepy.....freaky.....and wrong!!)

Anytime you think you've seen the freaky of the freaky - someone always comes along that raises that freaky limit ---- ;)

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Specializes in ER, ICU, L&D, OR.

I like the one where they call and ask what is our standard for giving notes for days off from school or work. I tell them if appropiate, whatever the doctor orders for them. They say thats allright, I will try elsewhere. Comparative shopping ERs for days off excuses.

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One of my favorites:

caller: I was just looking at a calender.

me: Yes?

caller: Well, I was looking at February.

me:Yes?

Caller: Well, I just saw that February only has 28 days, and I always start my period on the 30th. Am I going to have a period this month?

And administration tells us we don't do enough patient teaching!

:roll I wouldn't believe this if I hadn't been working in the medical field.

I'm not in the emergancy department, and this wasn't a phone call, but it proves that people really can be that clueless. I work in neonatal intensive care, and the family of a newly admitted 25 weeker wanted to know do the nurses stay late when there's a "really sick one like this." You just want to say, yeah, we stay about 30 minutes later, then the babies are on their own for the night.

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Caller: Hi...is there any nurses there? I have a question. (Nope...no nurses here...I'm a patient and the phone woke me up, so I answered it.)

Sure...I'm a nurse.

Caller: Oh...I didn't know if there was someone there at night or if the patients just called someone if they needed something.

We're here 24/7...what is your question?

Caller: Well, you know those home pregnant tests? My friend bougt one because she got drunk and got laid and when I made a wet on that stick, the little pop up message said, "pregnant." Now does that mean my friend is gonna have a baby?

Are you trying to find out if you are pregnant or is your friend trying to find out if she is pregnant?

Caller: Oh...well, it's my friend...she made a wet on that stick.

Oh, OK. Usually if the test window says pregnant, whoever used the test is pregnant. The chances of a false postive are very slim.

Caller: So, she might not be pregnant?

That is always possible, but unlikely. If she isn't sure, she needs to make an appointment with her doctor. Who is her doctor? (I only asked because we had one doctor who didn't want us telling his pregnant patients anything...he wanted to give any telephone advice, etc).

Caller: I go to Dr. _____.

But, who does your friend see?

Caller: Oh, yeah...she sees him too.

Well...the best advice I can give your friend is to schedule an appointment...his office opens at 8:30...do you need his phone number?

Caller: No...I have an appointment tomorrow. I just wanted to know if she is pregnant or not.

OK...call if you have anymore questions or concerns.

Caller: I will...what is the phone number for the hospital?

:rotfl: I had not even read this before I posted the above response. Unbelievable, huh.

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A few of My favorites.

Can my husband still take viagra if he used a nitro a couple of hours ago? ANS: NOOOOO

I would like to make an appt to come in at 8pm????????? Ans: I don't think soooo

My daughter came in and was seen by the doctor for an infection, I don't think he did enough for her because when I had an infection.......... Ans: maam I can't talk to you about your daughters condition she is an adult and it would be a HIPPAA violation

My best one goes like this

Person: my friend is in his bed and I think he took too many pills

Nurse: is he breathing?

Person: how the hell should I know

Nurse: check to see if he is breathing what color is he

Person: he is making noises so he must be breathing he is black.

Nurse; Can you wake him and does he have a pulse.

Person: If I could wake him I wouldn't be calling you. What is a pulse?

nurse: Sir hang up and call 911

Person I can't why can't you do that

nurse: we are not allowed to and I do not have any information

Person: I don't have time to call 911 I only had enough time to call you. If you don't call my friend is going to die.YOu want him to die? What is your name I need to know so If my friend dies I can sue you.

Nurse: What is your address I will call the police to go there

Person: hangup ?????

I had the number he called from gave it to the police and they did go to the house: Turns out prank call. Two drunk teenagers alone in the house. The police were not very happy and Guess who paid us a visit until their parents came to pick them up. I personnally would have locked them up until there parents bailed them out but they had to be medically cleared.

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Specializes in Looking for a career in NICU.

OMG, that is the WORST type of prank phone call. I can only imagine the panic that takes place when someone answers the phone and you have some drunk on the phone and you never know when someone might bolt and leave a friend to his own devices.

I agree with you, they should be jailed. There has to be an incentive to keep people from pulling #$^&( like that.

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.

The clinic phone rang and the MA working with me answered it.

"When you get your tubes tied, can they come untied?"

MA: "Well, not usually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I've had my tubes tied and my husband and I were having sex last night and it felt like they came untied."

The MA got through the whole conversation without cracking up.

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.
:roll I wouldn't believe this if I hadn't been working in the medical field.

I'm not in the emergancy department, and this wasn't a phone call, but it proves that people really can be that clueless. I work in neonatal intensive care, and the family of a newly admitted 25 weeker wanted to know do the nurses stay late when there's a "really sick one like this." You just want to say, yeah, we stay about 30 minutes later, then the babies are on their own for the night.

I occasionally floated into a NICU several years ago. One of their babies had a very attentive dad; he was there every day.

Until he asked a nurse about that hormone they gave the baby to make him grow fast.

Excuse me?

Well, it turns out his girlfriend of about 4 months told him that the baby was his. Before it was born the doctors had given it a hormone to make it grow fast.

The nurse got a doctor to come and talk to "dad."

Needless to say he didn't visit the baby after that.

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Specializes in CCU/CVICU, Hemodialysis, ER, PALS Inst..

I have a couple. The first I have to admit is the old "how long is the wait" like many of you have said. Also, before they ask that, after you answer "Emergency Room, this is ____" they say "Is this the emergency room?" I want to scream "what do you think I just said." Then the wait time. Again, do you have to ask? If you are a true emergency changes are you will not wait to long (we hope anyway!)

The funniest phone call I ever had was when a woman called to ask if you could get pregnant swallowing sperm. She was serious as a heart attach and I hated to laugh out loud on the phone. I politely told her that I would have to have her hold on for just a second, placed the phone on hold, composed myself and tried to make it through that phone call. I think she was honestly afraid so it truly wasn't funny I don't guess! :)

Julie

(I have gotton a kick reading all of your replies! Hilarious stuff!)

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Specializes in Med/Surg, ER.
dog semen

oooooohhhhh

very very yucky

:barf02:

now i know how to use smilies!

Amen! Maybe she should have called her vet!!!:eek:

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Specializes in ER.

I am sitting here with tears pouring out of my eyes from reading these! They are hilarious!! We also get "How long is the wait?" and "Can I make an appointment?" We get really annoying nurse advise calls too. Of course, when I say "Our policy prevents me from giving advice over the phone, but you are welcome to come in if you feel this is an emergency or contact your doctor in the morning", people get really mad! "What do you mean you can't tell me anything over the phone??!! What kind of nurse are you?" Well, I am just the kind of nurse that is currently taking care of a DKA patient on an insulin drip waiting on a unit bed, a vented pt waiting on a unit bed, a kidney stone patient waiting on and IV and Dilaudid, and a baby with a fever (No, we didn't give Tylenol - we wanted you to KNOW that he has a fever) that I have to give Tylenol and a Rocephin shot to.

But my favorite are always "Can you tell me what this medicine is for"

Me: What is the name of the medicine?"

Them: "Well, I don't know the name, but it is a little round white pill. What is it for?"

Me: "Are you kidding me???!!!" - usually not out loud, but sometimes it pops out (OOPS! there's that defective filter again - I hate that!!)

Love this thread - keep them coming...

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