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Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018

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by Brian S. Brian S. (Admin)

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You are reading page 7 of Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018. If you want to start from the beginning Go to First Page.

7 Posts; 134 Profile Views

As I was reaching for a young male patient's hand to put the pulse oximetry on his finger I said, "Do you mind if I borrow one of your fingers?" The patient responded, "I never had a woman ask me that before."

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Nicole.Amina has 2 years experience.

6 Posts; 644 Profile Views

I have two!

There was one patient who's bed alarm started going off. When we ran into the room he was all twisted in the bed. We asked him, "Sir, do you know where you are right now?" He screams, "I'M IN THE UTERUS!!!!!!" I can't breathe at this point so I just tell him "...do us a favor and stay in there, okay?"

Another pleasantly confused patient kept calling me Sir. I tell her I'm not a sir; I'm a girl. She asks why. Jokingly, I tell her "I have boobs!" She looks me up and down and says "Those ain't boobs." -_-

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PS121myhelp has 1 years experience.

4 Posts; 177 Profile Views

Had an older lady on a med surg floor a while back. First thing she said when I walked in the room, "I haven't had sex since 1903!" My only response was "You haven't been alive that long." I walked out so I could laugh, because she was very serious. Naturally, psych consult was ordered as the day progressed.

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borkowskikid has 5 years experience and specializes in Intensive Care and Perianesthesia Care.

1 Article; 53 Posts; 2,407 Profile Views

Me: "Mr. Jones, your surgery is over. You're in the recovery-"

Mr. Jones: "No Cody!"

Me: "My name is Chris and I'm your-"

Mr. Jones: "Behave, Cody!"

Me: "I'm gonna move you a bit and look at your-"

Mr. Jones: "Cody! You behave, Cody!"

At bedside report an hour later and much more lucid

Me: "Well we made it to your room, Mr. Jones. Tell me, who is Cody?"

Mr. Jones: shrugs, hesitates, "Uh, I have a cat named Cody..."

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13 Posts; 1,404 Profile Views

Once had a patient who requested washclothes to use as a "fart muffler" so he wouldn't disturb his roommate. Yup, he stuck the washclothes between his butt cheeks and said it wasn't fair for his roommate to hear him fart. He said it works. Mind you he was a priest.

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378 Posts; 3,056 Profile Views

A peds patient (he was 17) was having trouble urinating after surgery, hit the call light and I went in. He then told me that he could feel the urge to pee and what would work for him was if I came and rubbed his balls for him! Mind you, his mother was sitting right there, before I could even say anything, she gasped and with a shocked, horrified look on her face said, "I am so sorry. It must be something they gave him during the surgery, because he was not raised that way and has never acted that way before! Could you please call the doctor so I can speak to him? I really need to know what they gave my son and how long this side effect will last." I just said, "Of course. I will let the doctor know you want to speak with him" and walked out.

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763 Posts; 12,738 Profile Views

I once took care of an Irish priest who was in ICU because this a Catholic hospital and priests are like VIP'S. He was a very messy eater and one particular morning he had scrambled eggs and toast with jelly all over his gown. He flatly refused a bath or even a clean gown. Therapy was coming to walk him in the hall but he wouldn't budge. He says, "Ah lass, ye sound like me auld Irish mother. No son of mine will ever appear in public wearing his breakfast eggs!"

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32 Posts; 1,555 Profile Views

This is more about me than the patient. When I started working as a new nurse, maybe 8-10 years ago, I called the doctor for a patient who was very nauseous. She said to given the patient promethazine PR. I had no idea what PR meant, but I didn't want to look stupid to the doctor, so I said OK. I asked others, but nobody know what it meant. So I wrote the order as IV and gave the medication via IV. The patient had a reaction and basically went bananas. The calm, lovely patient at the beginning of my shift who told me she like my flower-patterned scrubs became a yelling maniac who told me I stole her shirt and I need to take it off and give it back to her. I shamefully called the doctor back who asked why I didn't given the medication 'per rectum' as she asked. Oh, so that's what PR meant! Now I know. Thankfully, the patient came down towards the end of my shift and became more of herself again.

From then on, I ask questions about things I don't understand. I don't care if I look stupid. Nothing can be worse than a misunderstanding that put a patient in danger. Just recently, one of the doctors asked me to gather things for a para. "What's a para?" I asked immediately. "A paracentesis, so I can draw fluid from her stomach," she told me, rather condescendingly. That's fine with me.

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1 Post; 39 Profile Views

I had a trauma patient, a lady in her 50's that had a fractured c-spine, that was having difficulty with getting her bowels working related to so much pain medication. The previous shift had given her a ton of constipation medication and of course her bowels moved on my shift. As I was cleaning her up, she asked me "does that look like a steak and cheese from Subway? That's the last thing I ate before I came in to the hospital".

I mean really?!

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4 Posts; 53 Profile Views

A resident of mine for many years has a love dislike relationship with me because of her confusion so one minute i'm getting a raise and can have all the overtime in the world and 5 minutes later I am fired and have to leave her facility because she is the owner lol oh how I love my residents.

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Adelinna has 1 years experience as a CNA.

93 Posts; 1,226 Profile Views

I was in the ER in the process of bringing a patient on a stretcher to X-ray when a little old lady who I knew nothing about and who also happened to be a psych patient comes up to me and says very determinedly, "I'll give you 20 bucks if you give me a ride home." (i.e.help her escape the hospital). A Care Aide is standing near the patient ready to direct her back to her seat. In my mind I'm thinking I can't refuse her out right, I gotta come up with an answer to put her off without upsetting her. Then I realize it's perfect there's no way I can take this lady home because I walked to work! (I normally walk or bike) "I walked here so I can't give you a ride home." I tell her. The patient stares at me and says, "Did not! Your son pointed your car out to me earlier!" I was a little stunned and wasn't quite sure what to say...I don't have a child and if I did he be about 4 years old. "Uh" I'm like, "Did he now? He wasn't supposed to do that!" She seemed satisfied with my answer and walked away!

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1,169 Posts; 7,688 Profile Views

My absolute favorite patient quotes are all from the same cantankerous older gentleman. He was 78, if I remember correctly, admitted for CHF with 4+ pitting edema from toes to waist. During admission he said "My feet have been swollen for weeks, haven't been able to wear my shoes, but once my privates started swelling up I knew I had to go to the doctor's" A bit later he asked for a urinal, the edema made it so that he was wider than the opening and couldn't fit it inside. He mumbles a bit and then says "Well, why couldn't this have happened when I was still using it?!" Later, we got him up into the recliner, propped up his feet and I folded up wash clothes to prop up his massively swollen scrotum. I explain this to him, he looks stunned and says "How does one acquire such knowledge, hunny?"

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