Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018

Nurses General Nursing

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We've all been there. In our time as nurses, we've heard patients say some pretty wild things. Whether it's off-the-wall reasons for how they came to need medical care or something as seemingly mundane as a catchphrase which a patient uttered that resulted in you having a laughing fit; those memorable phrases, reasons or moments could win you one of two $250 Amazon.com gift cards courtesy of relode.

Dust off those memories and leave them in the comment form below. The two grand prize winners will be announced during National Nurses Week but have no fear - even if you don't win one of the grand prizes, we are giving away some cool runner-up prize packs to two more lucky winners!

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We all know that patients say the darnedest things, let us hear your best! Thanks for all that you, our nation's nurses, do and Happy National Nurses Week!

Be sure to enter our two previous contests for more chances to win...

Have fun!

[button=https://allnurses.com/national_nurses_week-info.html]National Nurses Week Celebration

30 Days of Celebration / 8 Days of Giveaways[/button]

UPDATED May 9 ... and the winner is...

As promised, the winners are posted below. Thanks for all of the awesome and creative entries!!! Feel free to share!

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Specializes in Pedi.

Teenager with a TBI

Me (doing a neuro check): Do you know where you are?

Him: I'm in some sort of Chinese restaurant

When the CNA was helping him wash up, he also asked why "Michael Jackson was rubbing my back."

When I was working as an aide in college I once had an old lady ask me to get her a copy of today's newspaper so she could read her own obituary. Then said "I died but then I came back to life. It was too late to stop the presses." She also had a hair appointment that day and was starring in a play that afternoon so it was very important that I let her leave the hospital.

Another LOL with a UTI claimed that she wandered into the hospital via tunnel, by accident, after her taxi dropped her off from the concert she had attended the previous evening. Her assisted living facility was just on the other side of the tunnel and we really needed to let her go back because she didn't belong in the hospital.

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"No I refuse to be discharged, I need Dilauded, In my Bain, I have chest Pain, I have a 3mm noodle in my lungs, the told me in the ER".

Doctor: Um, I think you mean nodule.

Patient: No it's a noodle!

Family member: "Like a pool noodle"?

Nurse: Barely containing her ability to not laugh & trying to remaining professional.

Ten minutes later the patient is lying on the floor with an upright cup of water 💦 sitting next to them, saying, " I slipped in the water someone got on the floor, my hip, it's broken". "I need an x Ray and Dilauded in my Bain".

Nurse: Um I think you mean vein!

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We were working an awful holiday weekend. Within 4 hours we had 3 admits, all female, all over 300 pounds, and none of them could walk (medical conditions) and all were on psych meds. The most manic of the three was having a full blown panic attack when we tried to move her from her chair to the bed. She was sweating, crying (then laughing) and shaking in a full blown manic episode when she said, "I've stopped taking all of these psych meds because they're making me crazy!!" We all looked at one another and thought, "This cannot only be Day 1 of a 3-day weekend...."

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Specializes in Neuroscience.

Not a patient but still good.

Patient with frontal lobe injury which makes them prone to do whatever they damn well please. In this case, it was masturbating furiously. Right before doctor rounds, I went into her room. I put her gown back on her, peak out the door, and see the doctors are only one door down. I tuck her in with her blanket to keep her hands out of a certain area. Walking out of the door, I tell the neurosurgeon "I just got her all dressed and she should be good". He nods his head and slips into the room followed by residents. I go to my computer and chart.

Five minutes later, he is walking behind my chair to the next room. I ask him "Everything okay in there?" He responds with one emphatic word:

YOLO!

I snorted, people. I snorted.

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Women's Health, LTC.

Years ago (the 80's), before becoming an RN, I was the unit clerk in a small OR. I would also help transport the patients to RR after surgery, when short staffed.

One Friday night, we had a frequent flier, known for needing "objects" removed from his orifice, under general anesthesia. On this particular evening, while transporting him to RR with the RN, guy wakes up and first thing he asks, "can I have it back? That one was expensive." It was about a 12 inch toy, if you know what I mean.

The RN and I never laughed so hard in our lives!

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Not a pt comment, but the mother of one of my post partum pts asked me if it takes a few days for the baby to open its eyes :yes:. This lady had presumably given birth to the pt, lol.

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Specializes in Critical Care.

As a student nurse I had this older, country gentleman that wasn't exactly excited that the student he was getting was a 30-something male, while the neighbor got one of the seemingly unlimited blonde females my program had. As I'm going through his health history, which includes amputation of several toes due to diabetic issues, he suddenly blurts out "Oh yeah! I also have the tickerlitis". To this, his wife of over 60 years says, without any regard for the double entendre, "his doctor says that means he can still eat his bacon and eggs, but our favorite nuts are off limits". Thank you old time country couple- I shared that in post conference that day.

My absolute favorite was years before I ever imagined becoming a nurse. Had a great friend from Massachusetts (until the pancreatic cancer took him a few years ago), that was the most street smart guy ever, but I am certain he was mostly illiterate. It had been a while since we got together for lunch to catch up, so I asked him how things were. "Well, mostly good, but I'm not sleeping well. I asked my doctor, and he told me it's probably sleep napnea." After I choked on my beer, I asked if he meant sleep apnea? "Nope, I'm pretty sure he said napnea." Here's to you, Super Mario- God knows it always gives me a good laugh to remember, and I could use a good sleep napnea myself...

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Specializes in Labor and delivery, NICU, PP.

Preparing a family for discharge on mom/baby unit, I told the patient I was going to remove her baby's infant security tag. She said, "Before you do that, can you please take a picture of my baby's monitor with my husband's monitor?"

I looked at her quizzically. She smiled, looking over at her husband who pulled up his pant leg to reveal an GPS ankle tag.

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I entered a patient's room at the start of my shift before report to introduce myself as his nurse for the day. He greeted me with, "It's wonderful to have a beautiful, young nurse". Of course I left feeling great...what a delightful way to begin my day. During report I discovered that he was severely sight impaired.

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I was walking up the hall and stopped in my elderly gentleman patients room to answer their call bell.

Him: Go get me a glass of milk

Me: It will be a few minutes, I need to get another patient pain medication first.

Him: If you don't get me a glass of milk right now, I'm going to **** myself and you'll have to clean me up!

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Specializes in Hospice.

Lewy-Body dementia patient arguing with a non-existent person in the room, she looked at me and said, "I can't stand that flea-bitten ba#t#rd!"

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ME: What are you doing, Miss Clara?

Miss Clara: Eating chocolate pudding.

ME: We don't have chocolate pudding Miss Clara.

No further explanation is needed.

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