Patients Say the Darnedest Things

[allnurses]

With some of the things patients say, Nurses sometimes wonder if they are on a hidden camera TV show! Weird, wacky or even touching, those phrases stick with us. Think of your favorite thing a patient has said, submit it in the comments below and you'll be entered to win a $250 amazon.com gift card!

Winner will be announced May 16, 2017

UPDATE June 5, 2017

The winner of the $250 amazon.com gift card for favorite thing a patient has said from allnurses.com is user jndmj30 for:

Nurse: "do you check your blood sugar at home?"

Patient:"I used to but all it ever said was High"

Congratulations!

2017 National Nurses Week - 7 Days of Giveaways

[adventure_rn, MSN, NP]

Me, as a nursing student: "Hi, I'm adventure_rn, I'll be taking care of you today."

Patient: "All my friends are Media stars."

[Lissaj6]

While training a new nurse to put in a catheter on a middle aged man, are had problems advancing past the prostate. I grabbed sterile gloves and proceeded to help her. The patient says "this isn't how I imagined my first threesome!" My poor trainee didn't know what to say!!

[smartassmommy]

Asked pt.who had been hospitalized for 3 weeks if she needed anything. Her reply, " A change of address card from the post office."

[AJJKRN]

Confused male patient that apparently thought he was at a brothel on night, "I guess I'll stay another hour or so with you young ladies if you insist but my wife will not be too happy!". Gotta love dementia, sundowning, and the good ol "Olden Days"!

[Kkt1031]

Adult patient s/p ileostomy creation: "You will never see gas in my (ostomy) bag because I'm lady and my mother told me ladies don't fart."

[Bulldog23]

"Are you pregnant?" (Said to my 55 year old co-worker.)

[ambwil8055]

While obtaining a social history on newly diagnosed HIV patient while working at an infectious disease office ...

Me: How many sexual partners have you had in the past 6 months?

Patient: (very serious) Does it count if I paid them?

Me: Yes sir, it counts.

Patient: (after counting on his fingers) 6

Me: OK, so do you have any idea how you might have contracted HIV?

Patient: (still dead serious) I have no clue!

[Kmbostic]

Patient comes into the ER with STI symptoms and I ask are you sexually active. Patient says no. Doctor came and said these symptoms typically come with sexual activity. Patient says well I don't do anything I just lay there...

[whotakethmycoke]

I'm on babysitting duty for a loud, but gregarious guy who came in ETOH and I hear this exchange during a physician's assessment:

Doctor: So, what brings you to the hospital today?

Patient: I need help.

MD: With what?

Pt: Schizophrenia.

MD: Do you take anything at home to help with it?

Pt: Yeah, vodka.

It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing.

[sevensonnets]

We had a patient who had just been extubated, and he kept grabbing at my arm and pulling me towards him. I said what do you want? He said, "A Big Buford from Hardee's!"

[sevensonnets]

I entered my 95 year old patient's room one morning and said, "Mrs. Smith, do you know what today is?" She said, "I hope it's not my d***n birthday again!" I didn't know little old ladies talked like that! It was actually the fourth of July.

[Jenben73]

"What do ya take me for?? A screen door?" Said the confused nursing home patient after she bumped her wheelchair into my aunt's leg and ran into her....