Patients Say the Darnedest Things Nurses Week Contest

[Brian S.]

Patients come in all demeanors and as nurses you've certainly seen some doozies. Patients (and their families) definitely say some laugh-worthy things during their time in your care. In honor of National Nurses Week 2019, we want you to share your hilarious patient sayings, quotes or stories in the comments below. Thanks to InstruSafe, you could win $200!

About InstruSafe

InstruSafe is a worldwide provider of surgical instrument protection solutions. From sterile processing to the operating room and back, it is our goal to develop and manufacture products of the highest quality and standards. Our highest priority is to improve surgical outcomes, increase long term savings and aid in patient safety. Our products are engineered with the customer in mind. To ensure the highest level of quality, we subject our tray designs to industry standards such as AAMI so our customers never have to compromise top level service and patient care.

[Trampledunderfoot, LPN]

During mealtime in an Alzheimer's unit, one of the residents had a family member come to visit. He sat at the table with his father, across from a female resident who loved visitors (even if they weren't hers!) and loved to sing. She made some nonsense conversation with the visitor (her speech was not usually clear) and he was very polite. Then she burst into song. I can't remember what the song was, but she carried on for a while at the top of her lungs.

Suddenly she stopped in mid verse - everything was quiet.

Then she yelled plain as day "Oh my GOD! That was TERRIBLE! I am so sorry!"

I felt awful for her because I liked to hear her sing, and was very pleased when the visitor assured her that he enjoyed her singing very much! ?

[Bella Chicana, ADN, RN]

Working in an ICU my first year as a nurse, I was prepping my 85yr old male pt for a Foley catheter. After I threw away my last iodine swab and about to insert the catheter, he looks at me apologetically and says: “I’m sorry I can’t be more erect for you.”

....so glad I had pretty good “nurse face” for that moment ??

[Izza22]

I once had a patient tell me, “Can you fix your hair first” and point to the mirror over the sink ???. Omg caught me off guard and my apparent relaxed hair bun just didn’t meet his expectations. I loved it and thanked him for watching out for me ?.

[Emergent, RN]

Patient with member complaint said to the PA and me during the exam of of said member: "Don't touch it, don't touch it, oh, this is so embarrassing! "

The the patient rolled on his left side towards me and ejaculated on the floor at my feet...

[crazcat777, ASN, RN]

I have a resident that gets an IM injection bi-monthly, when I was prepping the area with an alcohol swab, she began moaning and saying, "OWW, OWW, OWW", getting louder each time she said it. I asked if I was hurting her, she responded, "Not yet, I'm just practicing. " I administered the injection and she asked, "Is that it?" I said, "Yes, it is over. " to which she replied, "Darn, all that practicing for nothing. "

[LibraSunCNM, BSN, MSN, CNM]

7 hours ago, Emergent said:

Patient with member complaint said to the PA and me during the exam of of said member: "Don't touch it, don't touch it, oh, this is so embarrassing! "

The the patient rolled on his left side towards me and ejaculated on the floor at my feet...

???

[rn1965, ADN]

My son was the patient. He was 3 years old and I took him for a check up. His normal peds doc was on vacation and a rather aged male MD was in her place. Doc was checking his heart and lungs, my son says, "are you a real doctor?". MD: "Yes, yes I am." Son: "then why can't you find my heart?".

I laughed like crazy and the old MD barely even blinked.

[dumbnurse, ASN, BSN, MSN, LPN]

Davey,

I thought the patient was going to say, "Oh great, so which one of you gets the job"?

[NurseRita12]

I am a nurse at a long term care facility. Often times residents feel like they have room service available. One of my residents had been frequently pressing the call light and each time my CNA went to his room he would forget what he wanted. The last time he pressed the call light I walked in the room. After asking him “what do you need?” He replies (with call light in hand) “oh, I can’t seem to find my call light.”

[aharrisrn]

I'm an OB nurse. I mostly work labor and delivery. We have a doctor with rather large hands that came by to check the cervix of a laboring patient. The woman looked at his hands and said, Aww hell no, you ain't checking me with them big a$$ hands, you gonna give me a hysterectomy!" I, along with the doctor laughed so hard, he couldn't finish the exam, he said call me when she starts to feel pressure!!

[Tboogie39, BSN, RN]

I work on a busy pediatric med/surg unit. A 3 year old patient smiled and pointed to the RN patch on the scrub top of my colleague stating excitedly, "I know what that means." The nurse asks her "What do you think it means?". The little girl says "Right Now" in a very confident, matter of fact tone. I couldn't help but laugh because it often feels like that is exactly what it means on my unit!

[lizlina904]

I work on the orthopedic unit and was caring for my patient who underwent a total knee replacement. She ran the call bell to be assisted to the bedside commode. As I was disconnecting the sequential compression devices and removing the cryo-cuff machine she looked up at me and said: “nurse, you think you can call the doctor”? I replied: “Why? tell me what’s going on.” She then said: “my lady parts is itching!” It took every ounce of me not to laugh but I simply told her: “well, that seems to be a gynecological problem.” She then said: “I was hoping the doctor can manipulate my lady parts the way he did my knee.” I put her on the commode and left the room and preceded to laugh so much that I almost “peed my pants!”