My patient is dying. Literally, slowly, and very uncomfortably, to say the least. She has CHF/COPD, and even with regular NEB treatments, it's difficult to just get in a comfortable position.
One night, as I was giving her routine NEBs and other medications, I noticed she was grimacing and crying. Like any RN, I asked if she was in pain and she shook her head, "No."
I kept talking to her, asking if she wanted me to reposition her or adjust the pillows under her legs. Everything I asked, she just shook her head, "No," but, she kept crying.
She doesn't talk much anyway, but, tonight, she was just not the same. She had this look of fear and anxiety, and she seemed to be much more inconsolable than before. I placed my hands on her extremities, checking to make sure her body temperature was still warm. I checked her O2 and listened to her AP. All were WNL for her condition and her parameters.
What was wrong? I just couldn't figure it out. She was trying to tell me something, but, I just wasn't getting it. I thought of everything I could to make her comfortable, making sure she was not in physical pain. "What is going on?" I asked myself.
I told her I would be back to check on her in about 30 minutes, and as I was about to leave her bedside, she grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. She looked up at me, with tears in her eyes, and at the same time, I caught a glimpse of some small pile of black beads with a cross on the end, on her bedside table.
I instantly knew what she was trying to say to me. "Do you want me to pray for you?"
She smiled, began to relax, and shook her head, "Yes." So, I prayed with her, as she listened and a small stream of tears ran down her face. She looked much more peaceful and at ease, and as I finished the prayer, she softly said, "Thank you."
I stood in silence as she continued to hold my hand, until she was ready to let go and was able to get a few hours of sleep before her next treatment. I peeped in on her several times over the next few hours, careful to not needlessly awaken her, but, just to make sure she was still resting comfortably.
This woman reminds me of my grandmother and my mother, who have both passed on. The grey hairs, the extra weight in all the wrong places, the tiny little wrinkles that beset the eyes-all the physical features that don't even begin to sum up one's life. I can only imagine that this woman has so many dear memories of loved ones, trials, triumphs, and maybe even some regrets. I would imagine her family loves her as much as she loves them. Is it ever a 'right' time to go? A 'right' time to say goodbye? I silently pray that she has had a beautiful life, and that there will be many good memories left with those she loved so much.
No one knows how long she has left, but, we know she is dying. For now, it's my job to understand what she is saying, even if she doesn't utter any words. That's my gift to her before she goes home. It's the least I can do and I am ever so honored to do so. Would you want any less for those you love? I would want no less for those I love, and I purpose to do it well!
