oh for petesake!

[PeepnBiscuitsRN]

I'll try not to write a novel out of my tale of woe (please don't stop reading after you see this is a tale of woe). I graduated from nursing school in May of 2010- got my offical RN license shortly thereafter. 1 week before graduation I (and oddly enough 3 other ladies in my class) found out we were with child (started celebrating too early I guess:D). We graduated right before the great MN nurses strike of '10 and faced the same issues that many are facing now- no job, and the interviews I did have came when I was obviously pregnant (who would hire a 26 week pregnant nurse?)

I finally got my big job in April of this year. It was at the hospital I really wanted to work at, in telemetry, which, while it's not where my sights are set in the long run, is still really cool and I think I'm learning plenty. The problem in this story is that I got off to a very rough start- orientation was not so hot for me. I had 4-6 weeks of orientation, started orienting on days (I work straight nights) and had, oh, 6 shifts on days and then went to nights and the second night (my 2nd night ever) I had to float with my preceptor to a different unit. I don't know if it was that most of my preceptors and I didn't have compatible personalities or learning/teaching styles, or if it was because I was still a fairly new mommy (she was 3 months old when I started) or if it was the year of no nursing work that got me...but it was a disappointment to say the least. I felt like someone who was jazzed up to run a marathon, was all ready and at the starting line and *BANG!* I take two steps and fall on my face, then tried to get back up, and then went 2 steps more and fell again, in front of a bunch of people who slapped a metaphorical "X" on me. I felt bowled over, overwhelmed, disorganized, scattered...like I had no idea what was going on- started with a patient load of 3 and then by next shift was expected to have the full load of 4. By the end of my 6 shifts I was expected to know how to do admits and discharges too. My nurse educator took me aside and chewed me out for having to extend my orientation for an extra 4 shifts and for being disorganized and not progressing. I felt like my job was in major jeopardy.

I try to figure out what went wrong. I know a few of my preceptors (I had a different one pretty much each time) just blasted through how to do stuff (like admits and discharges, and ordering things, and loaded me up with pamphlets on how to troubleshoot pacemakers and tele packs, and how to chart pt education and charting on the EMR). I realized that they were doing it all for me, and I wanted to do it myself, but I felt like it wasn't my place to insist...they're the preceptor I needed to be...I don't know... gracious. I DO know the 2-3 preceptors I had that I felt really helped me and made me feel confident and competent were the ones who just let me do it myself and then gave me pointers afterwards.

So now it's been 6 months. My educator has told me I've really improved, my nurse manager said she was really pleased at how I "dug my heels in and really made it work". That should bring comfort to me, but instead it made me feel like people were looking at me like I was lazy or not trying and had a bad attitude! Any time I try to explain any rationale for anything I did that either wasn't correct or could have been done different/better I feel like I'm being looked at as someone who is just making excuses for bad behavior, or a plain idiot. It's never my intention to seem like I can't take criticism! Please, tell me what I can do better! I asked in the beginning (and still do) but in the start I never got feedback- *I* never got feedback, my educator did- then I got it from her, too late for me do anything about it. I have stretches where I feel real good about how I'm doing, and then I get taken down. There is one charge nurse in particular who I hate to say, I think she just doesn't like me. I think she thinks I'm an idiot. I asked her one day how I was doing, if there was anything she thought I could do better on, and all she gave me was this kind of creepy cheerful "I have some concerns..." but she could specify! I talked to my educator after that just to touch base and see if anyone else had concerns but she pretty much said "you can't please everyone". I feel like this one charge is just scrutinizing me to death. I hate to even ask her things. That's another thing...I feel like I'm asking too many questions or asking really stupid questions. I don't see any other new nurses I work with asking nearly as much as I do. I feel sometimes like I'm still (and PLEASE FORGIVE ME I MEAN NO DISRESPECT) like I'm still in clinic LPN mode. Where I can't do much independently based on assessment without MD approval. Whereas in the hospital- I'm kind of the one who has to do all the interventions first. I feel like I can determine if something isn't right, but then I sort of draw a blank in what to do next. (Not in all cases, I learn each time, unless I have someone telling me different things each time I ask, which has been common so far).

So, ok I wrote a novel. I'm feeling really low, I'm paranoid that I'm going to lose my job, and the kicker is that I wanted this so bad, and I'm trying, and I feel like I'm looking pretty dull. No matter what. I'm trying to be confident, trying to focus on when people give me positive feedback, and trying to take the negative feedback as learning oppertunites, I just don't like looking incompetent to my colleagues.

[llg, PhD, RN]

So now it's been 6 months. My educator has told me I've really improved, my nurse manager said she was really pleased at how I "dug my heels in and really made it work". That should bring comfort to me, but instead it made me feel like people were looking at me like I was lazy or not trying and had a bad attitude! .

You're partially right. They ARE watching you. That's their job. That's what they are supposed to do. You were a new employee and it is their responsibility to make sure you know how to do your job well. They watch all of the employees -- and if they are any good at their jobs -- they always will be watching. That's part of the job of being in a leadership position. Don't assume the worst because they are watching. The watching is normal and it will continue throughout your career.

They've paid you some compliments (quoted above). Take that as a sign that they see the positives as well as the negatives. That's a good sign. It should give you hope.

It sounds like you are being harder on yourself than they are being on you. Stop beating yourself up and creating "bogey men" where none seem to exist. If you really have doubts about what they think about you, ask them. Ask them whether or not they think you are making satisfactory progress for someone in your position. The answer will probably be "yes." If it weren't you'd probably know it by now as they would not be paying you those compliments.

[Do-over, ASN, RN]

Only six months in? I'd say give yourself a little more time. For me, it was 9 months to a year when I started feeling "OK" about how I was doing. That was also the time when newer nurses and float nurses started asking ME questions (EEK!).

As far as feedback, try to ask someone you respect/trust. And, don't compare your "inside" to other people's "outside". Some are just better at hiding the fear than others...

[germanshep]

Welcome to nursing. Nice we worked so hard in school to be treated like "professions." What a load of crap... The working environments are difficult right now, I think a lot of people are worried about their jobs. There is ALWAYS bad apples in the barrel who plant nasty seeds in others. Do not let them bring you down!!! I am sure they were terrible floor nurses, hence being in management now. I ask questions every shift! So do a lot of the experienced nurses. Do not be afraid to ask questions-you worked hard for your license/job. BUT it sounds like the NMNurse Educator is fine with you right now based on her comment! That is a positive :) I hope your job gets better! Tele is a hard floor to start on. I hope you feel more comfortable soon.

[onetiredmomma]

First of all, it sounds like your orientation was poorly planned. You shouldn't have had to float, you should have had one preceptor, etc...But now that it is too late to fix that, focus on the fact your NM is pleased with your progress. Continue to focus on your education both on the job and whatever classes you can take, articles you can read, etc. Look for someone on your unit you feel comfortable with and ask that person your questions. Frankly, I think asking someone you feel is watching your every move is asking for problems. Get yourself a note book and write down when someone (pt or coworker ) compliments you...no matter how small it may seem. When you get down on yourself, pull out your notes and remind you that you are doing a good job! As for "looking incompetent" has someone told you this or is it a feeling? Sometimes we imagine trouble where there isn't any. It's only been six months...give yourself a break and best of luck to you!

[SandraCVRN]

Sounds like your orientation was not very good, but it sounds like you are doing OK. You should not have been floated during orientaion.

I'm moving to a Cardiac IMC in 2 weeks, I have been told my oriention would be 6-8 weeks, more or less if I needed it or not. I will have the same preceptor the entire time. I will start off with 1 pt moving up to 4.

it's been almost 6 years since I worked on the floor but I'm starting to feel the new grad jitters. I think we are all just too hard on ourselves. As a new grad my orientation was 6 weeks, but that was 5 shifts a week. I think eduactors forget that 6 weeks of 3 shifts is a whole lot less then 6 weeks of 5 shifts.

Good luck and hang in there, give it another year or so then look for something different if you're still not happy.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

"my educator has told me i've really improved, my nurse manager said she was really pleased at how i "dug my heels in and really made it work". that should bring comfort to me..."

stop right there. if you told us your educator doesn't look you in the eye and won't talk to you and your nurse manager doesn't give you the time of day, then we're in trouble. but you are making it, and you have another plus in your favor: you have a good memory of how to orient a new person. i am confident in predicting that in a year or two you will be the go-to gal for precepting and orienting, and you will be fabulous at it. and who will be asking you to take on that critical role? the educator and the nurse manager. because they know you.

hold your head high, honey. you done good, you will do better, and welcome to the profession. really. show of hands, all in favor for maxsmomma!!:yeah: :yeah:

[Simply Complicated]

First, it's hard when you just start out. Even harder when you don't get adequate orientation. It's not fair to anyone who is passed around from person to person. Everyone teaches differently, everyone has different things they focus on. Not having one or two preceptors who can focus and work with you is a huge disadvantage.

That being said, if they were upfront with you in the beginning, telling you they thought you were not doing well, I seriously doubt they would tell you now that you are doing well if they didn't think so. Nursing is a life long learning, and it is normal to feel out of your element for the first good year or so.

You said you feel you ask a lot of stupid questions. I suggest keeping a small notebook with you. WHen you think of a question, if it doesn't require an immediate answer, than wait until you have the time to research it a bit. If you still are confused, or need clarification then ask. Keep a list of those questions, so you can sit down with one of the people you feel are a good resource. Tell them you have a few questions and ask then.

Do the same, make a list of the things you feel you are struggling with. Then you have that list as well to sit with someone who is a good resource, and get some tips and pointers.

Good luck to you!

[systoly]

Is this really just about work? I suspect being a new mom and juggling family and work is a double whammy for you. Do you ever find time to catch your breath?

[xtxrn, ASN, RN]

Six months only feels like a long time in the beginning. It's not that long :) Give yourself, and them a break, and hang in there. If they wanted to give you the boot, or thought you were a plague waiting to happen, you'd be in the parking lot

[kakamegamama]

"I am sure they were terrible floor nurses, hence being in management now. " Germanshep---hold on a minute there. Not all nurses who are in management were terrible floor nurses. That really isn't a qualification for a manager, even if it seems that way. Sounds though, like you may have a manager that you view in that way, and that's sad. If that's the case, what can you do to make your situation better? Can you change units? Can you figure out why you think this? If you have that attitude, you will in all likelihood continue to have negative work experiences as you seem to be having now.

Okay, hijack over...I just couldn't let this one go....

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

I got a bit lost with your ramblings to be honest.

Firstly, you do sound a bit hysterical to me. I think u have blown this all way out of proportion to what is actually happening, and u seem to be suffering from a lot of anxiety. Look at the facts first.

Also you say you weren't given feedback directly. Then b4 that you said 2 people had talked to you saying you were doing well. How is that not direct feedback? And haven't u had a performance appraisal done - or could u ask for one to be done? That way, people can point out in writing and in an interview your weak and strong points, then u can discuss ur fears.

I'd talk to ur NUM first & just let it all out. You really need to get over the anxiety by dealing with it. See your own doctor, talk to ur NUM and analyse why ur feeling so anxious. R there any other reasons why u could be feeling like this? I have a strong feeling it's not just ur job that is making u feel so very anxious.