Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 21

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   backatit2
    the best line a nurse ever used on me is when she was inserting a catheter and i asked it it would hurt.

    she said, "NO"

    the end.
  2. by   ruby_red
    When I start a blood transfusion on my patients I tell them its only a loan and we'l slowly take it back. Ive also told a few patients who needed to be switched to different wards its because they didnt pay their rent. Makes them smile everytime
  3. by   tablefor9
    "I dunno, crystal ball's in the shop and the magic 8 ball says please try again"
    **my standard reply to "how long until the baby's born (from someone not in labor, starting induction) or "how much does the baby weigh?" (before anything besides the head is out)

    "10 is a mack truck running over you on Hwy 98, crushing your bones, leaving you for dead, 0 is no pain, how would you rate your pain"
    **hardly anyone tells me 10.
  4. by   paranrs66
    A little "dark" humor : MANY years ago, as I was a newbie EMT-Paramedic, we had occasion to be called to an unconcious subject in an alleyway. "High crime" area of town, after quick assessment, decided the pt. was possibly OD'd on some "new" heroin that had hit town. After reviving the patient, while on the way to the hospital, the pt., now fully alert and answering questions, including telling us he didn't know exactly what had happened, but that he had been partying with some friends...(PS, he didn't seem like a "newbie"). Anyway, talking now, when asked if he had any other complaints or pain said something like, "you know, my A_S (bottom) hurts". My partner, without missing a beat said, " Well, I hate to be the one to tell you, but while YOU have been doing heroin, your buddies were doing crack". My jaw hit the floor.
  5. by   tainted1972
    When applying thigh high ted hose on male patients I would sometimes say...
    "We have matching garter belts for an extra fee"
    Or " now all you need is a pretty skirt and high heels"
  6. by   lilbit12
    I was working at a LTC facility for veterans and normally you would hear the old men say oh if I was twenty again. Well anyway I walked into a Residents room to give him his meds and he looks at me and says oh honey if you were only 60 what fun we would have!! LOL I really didn't have a come back for that one!!
  7. by   Sergeant'sDaughter
    My mother-in-law has a good one. "I control the sharp pointy objects so you might want to be real nice to me."
  8. by   NurseVoldemort
    As discharging pts I'll tell some of them "I hope I never see you again!"
    I once had a 15 year old run a stop sign on his bike and got hit by a car...
    I asked his older brother to be sure and teach him what those big red ogtagon signs that say "stop" on them mean before he gets his license! They thought it was hilarious!
  9. by   LizamiRN
    Hospital gowns are alot like're NEVER covered like you think you are.
  10. by   carolmaccas66
    Told an elderly patient once to holler if he needed anything. Later he was saying: 'Nurse, nurse....nurse' I was in the next room doing something, saying 'I'll be there in a minute, won't be long' etc. Then he actually screamed at the top of his lungs; 'NUUURRRSE!!' God's sakes, I dropped what I was doing and raced in there, he only wanted a bottle!
    NOW I say 'Just press the bell and pls don't holler if you need something, UNLESS it's an emergency!'
    Be careful what you say - it will come back and bite you on the bum!
  11. by   mskate
    With overly paranoid or obsessive patients "You're going to drop me!" I usually answer with "Way too much paperwork and I'm just too busy for all of that! Guess you'll have to trust me!"

    And then you have the ones who panic at everything, obsess over every beep, watch their monitor like a hawk and freak out over every little thing, I tell them "Its not your job to have to watch the beeps and the monitors. Thats mine. Your job is to focus on resting and getting better." or "You don't get to panic about ANYTHING unless you see ME panicking. And am I panicking, running around, or looking very nervous? NOPE! So you need to look to me for those cues because unless I'm panicking, there is nothing to panic about!"
  12. by   Poi Dog
    When Mrs. S asks me how old do I think she is I tell her, "Oh about 110 BUT you look good for your age!" Never fails to make her laugh out loud! I love it when she laughs.
  13. by   carolmaccas66
    Quote from TennNurse

    For some reason these questions elicit worry in some pts, so after I've asked about drinking, smoking, and drugs, and they say no to all, I'll ask them if they've removed any tags from mattresses or pillows recently. This always lightens them up.

    I don't get it, can you explain this one?

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