Funny things that pts say - page 9

Sometimes sweet innocence can make your whole day...... I once had a pt who had really bad gas as I was helping her into the tub and she stated to me "no need to turn on the jets today honey,... Read More

  1. by   Hygiene Queen
    Quote from Melinurse
    I said in a low voice , " Oh , I forgot my strip. " Well, the HOH man suddenly perks up and Heard me say that and he says, " Holy ****!! My nurse is going to strip. Where the Hell are my glasses. " I heard my CNA and the patient burst into laughter. I was laughing too. As HOH as he is I am still amazed he heard me at all.:chuckle
    There is no man too deaf to hear the word "strip".
  2. by   pielęgniarka
    RE: selective hearing :lol_hitti
  3. by   diawc
    Quote from nrsang97
    I love the patients that ask for their "Latex" instead of lasix.

    Dilauda for Dilaudid.
    lol....I had someone ask for DenLaudin! Is that Ben Laudins brother by chance?:bowingpur
  4. by   AliRae
    I was taking care of a little boy with hypospadius following his repair. A couple of days after his catheter was removed, I asked his mama how he was doing. She smiled widely and proclaimed: "The pee-pee is coming from the end of his man-hole!"

    I about died laughing.
  5. by   gipsonbee
    I was working on the dementia unit one night/morning and it was about 5am. I went to take this ladies blood sugar; she was in her 80s, and she started calling me mama. She pleaded with me to tell the CNA who had come in the room before I did not to get her up. She said, "mama why did that ***** tell me I had to get up, mama can I stay in bed another hour?" I told her yes. "Mama well go tell that ***** to let me stay in bed another hour. Mama do you know how old I am?" I said no. "Well mama look at this", she raised her pajama top up and pointed at her breast and said, "I got titties, I must be a teenager."
  6. by   kerric511
    Its not so much the sentiment that makes this funny as the scene in which it took place. I am a big guy, I'm 6'4" but I always wear Dansko's which makes me about 6'6" they need to stock tall scrubs and XXL gloves because of me. I'm not an easy person to loose in a crowd.

    One night we had a (very) large woman come in complaining of abdominal pain and shortness of breath, she had just had gastric bypass. I came into the exam room with the attending, who is a very small man, and he passed me gloves, I saw he handed me Medium, I said to him they keep a box of XXL's in the cabinet for me, these are never gonna fit. To which the attending profoundly stated, "they stretch, size doesn't matter"

    The PT, who has a very profound Jamaican accent, looks at the doc and says, "Baby ... Size matters! You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

    ...... I had to leave the room.
  7. by   KirriG

    Confession time - I was one of those patients! :icon_roll

    I'm 3 days post-partum and suddenly my new baby girl starts to hitch and make weird noises. Pressing on the nurses button, I'm calling out for help and crying and generally being useless and hysterical. My nurse flies in and looks at my baby where I'm gesturing wildly.

    She looked at me as if I was a total moron and said "She has the hiccoughs".

    I looked even more gormless and followed with, "Oh. Are they hurting her?"

    She looked at me with a very old look and said "Well do they hurt you when you have them?"

    I think one of the reasons I am becoming a nurse is because of that.
  8. by   Shenanigans
    This is a bit of a rude one. A 21 year old chap on the ortho ward, who was residing in a six bed room asked me, straight faced and seriously, "do you think it'd be weird if I wanked off in here?" After the initial thought of "W...T....F...?" I said "Um, you could use the bathroom for that". To which he said "no way, those cubicals aren't completely concealed and the doors don't have locks on them!"
  9. by   misswoosie
    I was caring for a patient in ICU.He was awake and not ventilated but wasn't quite ready to go to the ward as he had been with us for weeks.
    He had had a mesenteric embolus and had a partial colectomy and had a colostomy bag over one of his drain sites, because it was draining faecal fluid.
    He was in a private room and his family were in visiting, so I was sitting outside the room.
    Every 20mins or so I had to open the colostomy bag and let out gas as it was blowing up like a balloon.The smell was very unpleasant.
    Anyway-the next time I went in, his family are laughing so hard that they are crying.When I asked what they were laughing at they told me that when I went out of the room last time the patient had said "She keeps comig in here, making thta awful smell, and then walking out and leaving us with the smell"!
  10. by   sheilagh
    Ltc and new elderly female with pelvic fracture. I'm doing my assessment and when I ask what she was doing when she broke her hip,she looks right at me,blushes a little and says'" well hon,all I can say is that at my age don't go on top!", a little lost for words I simply replied," ok,good to know"
  11. by   RNAEMTCC
    So, I had a patient with a morphine PCA. he wasn't exactly the brightest bulb in the box. He would continually ask for boluses through the pca. except.... well he didn't call it a bolus it was a ....

    I then, got tired of trying to figure out what he was asking for, and wrote BOLUS in thick black permanant marker lettering and taped it to his overside table so he would just have to look at it. (and yes he could read)

    then then managed to come up with even more creative names for the bolus

    "double shot"
    "double pump"

    I gave up at that point... lol.
  12. by   perfectbluebuildings
    "Does the fact that my [2-month-old] baby has 'failure to thrive' mean that he has given up the will to live?"
  13. by   rachelgeorgina
    "**** off and come back in the fifties."

    From an exceptionally demented LTC resident whom I adore and tosses between '**** off' and 'I love you' all the time!