Funny things that pts say

Nurses Humor

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Sometimes sweet innocence can make your whole day......

I once had a pt who had really bad gas as I was helping her into the tub and she stated to me "no need to turn on the jets today honey, cause I'm self propelled!":rotfl:

I once had a pt ask me what time her "autopsy was scheduled for that day", I smiled and said "your BIOPSY will be later today".

I once had a little old lady ask me if I liked my job because I got to look at naked men all day.... :imbar

Just the other day I had an 84 year old lady ask me if I knew if her amniocentesis was scheduled for today or tomorrow. What she was asking about was her thoracentesis..

Specializes in LTC, case mgmt, agency.

Had a patient in alcohol withdrawl who was really acting out and trying to escape. He had fractured his hip ( yep, he fell off the bar stool ) and had just come back from surgery earlier that day. Well, needless to say we put him in 4 point restraints. I was a tech at the time and was assigned to sit with him one on one. He looked over at me and says," I think I'm tied down, can you let me outta here? " ( I was one of the ones who restrained him ) A while later he yells out into the halls, " These girls have tied me up can someone help me. Wait a minute never mind." :chuckle LMAO

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Specializes in SICU, Peds CVICU.

I had a thirsty post op heart surgery pt who couldn't wait for me to walk to the nutrition room to grab him a glass of water, so he saw his IV Fluid and multiple gtts (Levophed, Epinepherine, etc.) hanging from the IV poll next to his bed... attached to his neck btw. He grabbed the extra tubing and pulled it toward him like a fisher reeling in a big catch. I got to him in time to ask, "What are you doing?"

"You took too long, so I'm going to get that water up there"

:lol_hitti

Ohhh no you're not. Seriously, what would happen if you drank Levo? Blehh

He asked me later on, 12 hours after being extubated, if he still had "That breathing tube down my throat"

"You're talking to me, right?"

"Yeah, I just want to know if it's still in there" *Blank look and not understanding me at all*

"No... the breathing tube is out. It's been out for about 12 hours"

"Oh good" zzzz

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Specializes in medsurg/tele, mbu, LTC.

I work the night shift in a long term care center....the CNA asked her pt." Mrs. C. did you have a bm today?" Mrs. C. replied "yes I did". Then the CNA asked "was it small, medium or large?" Mrs. C. replied "well I don't know honey, I didn't measure it. It was about this big" (as she held up her hands to show how big it was). I just about lost it....it was so funny. :chuckle

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I was a volunteer nurse at a provincial hospital in a delivery and labor unit, One time, a patient came in the unit with contractions as frequent as 2 minutes. Before we could prep her for delivery, she suddenly said, "HEy, I can't deliver normally because I had a CA"

Everyone looked at each other, thinking it was Cancer, so I asked again, what do you mean CA?

She said, "The one where you get to deliver the baby through the stomach!"

OOoowwwwww it was CS (cesarean section) phew!!

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When I was a new nurse, I had to follow IV Therapy for a day or two as part of my orientation. We were in the ER to start an IV on a woman who'd used up all her veins self-medicating, and appeared to be heavily self-medicated that day. After showing us where the best place to find a decent vein would be, she screamed at us to "take out this ****** cathedral!" She had a foley in.:icon_roll

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Man, mid-40's, ETOH detox in 4 point leather restraints. I come in to draw blood from his PICC line. He yells "Hey! Get me out of here! Get these things off of me! I can't even scratch my balls!" I can't help but laugh, and I reply "Yes that is a bummer." Then he looks at me and says "Can you help me out with that?"

I declined.

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I needed a laugh.....these are funny.

My grandfather was 84 years old the first time he ever set foot in a hospital for an overnight stay. He was a "young" 84 and when he was admitted to the hospital where I worked, I quickly went to be by his side.

He had just settled into his room when "Tom" appeared and said, "Hello, MR.______, My name is Tom and I'm going to be your nurse today".

My grandfather turned all red....and about fell off his chair and then said..... "My NURSE....You are my nurse? Boy times have changed....You're not going to crawl in bed with me are you?"

I was so embarrassed but Tom thought it was funny.

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Specializes in Telemetry.
Was working with a 3yo child, admitted for IV antibiotic therapy, and was going through the usualy fiddliness of undressing, threading the IV though 'itty bitty pyjamas' so she could bath.

Miss Three suddenly pointed to my R) forearm, where I have a large diamond-shaped mole. "What's that?" she asked.

"It's a mole." I answered.

She subsided and looked thoughtful for 30 seconds: "What's it doing there? Why doesn't it run away?"

It did take me a few moments to realise her mistake, when I promptly dissolved into hysterics, imagining a four-legged furry blind rodent sitting on my arm since the day I was born!!!

so precious:redbeathe

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Specializes in Cardiology, Psychiatry.

The other night I had a wonderfully oriented pleasant 94yo female patient who had not had a bowel movement in a few days. She had been given medications earlier in the shift, and later on I smelled poop. I went into her room and found her on the bedside commode, and asked, "Did you have a bowel movement?" Cause you never know it could have just been gas. Her reply "What did you think I sprayed my perfume?"

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Specializes in med/surg, PACU, ICU.

I loved the ETOH withdrawal pt who, when I asked "are you having hallucinations" said to me, "well, you would be too if you had bugs crawling all over your ceiling!!"

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Specializes in ltc and med surg.

I had a patient a couple days ago tell me all about how alfalfa tea would keep you from getting grey hair. She says I am 65 and have no grey hair. Nevermind the fact that I am looking at a completely grey haired 85 year old. I just smiled and told her how nice she looks.

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Specializes in ER; HBOT- lots others.

so where i work we have discharge papers with their procedure; vs; meds and when to call the dr stuff. SO!! i was doing such teaching for a pt after TAH-BSO; Appy. you know, normal stuff, but when i got to the part about "when to call the dr", i read thru the things on the sheet and explained s/sx of such things to make sure to call, even if you just have a question or are not sure right? okay, this list is basics; prolonged fever; drainage; not urinating.. all that kinda abn stuff right? okay, so this lady actually asked me

"So, if its not on this list, i dont have to worry about it then right? because if its not listed it must not be anything?".

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i didnt laugh or anything, i was just dumbfounded! so now when i do my teaching with pt's- i make sure and tell them about that section and hit some of them, but tell them that if anything is different or they have any questions to call.

lmao.. what are ppl thinking? i dont get it!!

-H-RN

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