Sometimes sweet innocence can make your whole day......
I once had a pt who had really bad gas as I was helping her into the tub and she stated to me "no need to turn on the jets today honey, cause I'm self propelled!":rotfl:
I once had a pt ask me what time her "autopsy was scheduled for that day", I smiled and said "your BIOPSY will be later today".
I once had a little old lady ask me if I liked my job because I got to look at naked men all day.... :imbar
Just the other day I had an 84 year old lady ask me if I knew if her amniocentesis was scheduled for today or tomorrow. What she was asking about was her thoracentesis..
I love the patients that come to the ER thinking the have "amonia"
One time a patient came in complaining of pain in his "wing muscle" I said to him "you mean your shoulder?", "No my wing muscle, right here." he said as he pointed to his shoulder blade. I went into the ED to hand the chart to the nurses laughing, it was really funny!
And one time I had an older gentleman say to me, "You have a pretty smile, are those your real teeth?" It was really funny!
Once had a pt who was NPO for a procedure. He kept asking for water because he said his mouth was dry. I explained to him for the 100th time that he could not have anything to drink because he was going for a procedure. He states " **** they even gave Jesus water when He was on the cross." All I could do was laugh. I ended up giving him some ice chips to rub across his lips and that pacified him.
One of my pleasantly confused elderly patients had DC'd her foley catheter one evening on her way to the bathroom; just ripped the sucker right out. Fortunately she had no ill effects of doing so. When I came on the next morning she was sitting in a completely saturated bed and was dumbfounded about it. "Why am I sitting in a wet bed?" I explained that she didnt have a catheter anymore and told her that when she needed to use the toilet from now on to urinate. She looked at as serious as could be and said "Well I want that decaptiator put back in". LOL i about died. Later that afternoon PT was walking her and she asked me again "I want my decapitator!" The PT lady and I stifled laughs and managed to keep a straight face.
I almost for got this one....Another confused lady was in her wheelchair asking for her baby. Now this woman rarely talks, so I get her "baby" which is a life like doll that makes noises and blinks its eyes. I was going to put some cream under her breasts and started to lift up her shirt and she says "Oh, honey Im not going to feed it." LOLOL.
I had to share this one. I was visiting with a patient who is a lol 88 years old. She had a well-worn bible sitting in her lap and had been reading. She's deaf and has a touch of dementia. So I ask her what book she's reading. She says "I'm reading the book of Ecstasy." I did a double take and said a bit louder, "WHAT are you reading????" She says at the top of her lungs, "The book of Ecstasy! Where Moses leads the Jews out of Egypt?" Oh. Silly me.....forgot about THAT book.
Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.
I read an obituary today that stated the deceased had been a thirteen year survivor of "prostrate cancer" I am guessing that the current economic crisis has hit the local paper-they must have laid off the proof readers.
I read an obituary today that stated the deceased had been a thirteen year survivor of "prostrate cancer" I am guessing that the current economic crisis has hit the local paper-they must have laid off the proof readers.
This reminds me of my husband's aunt-she used to insist on "educating" me while I was pregnant with my daughter. I had a very hard time trying to keep a straight face when she described cutting the "umbiblical" cord...
kat von b
258 Posts
A conversation I had upon assessing one of my patients the other day at clinical
Me: When was the last time you had a BM?
Pt: I don't know
Me: Ok, have you had one since you were admitted?
Pt: No, I only have natural BM's twice a year.....my husband usually gives me COFFEE enemas......