Nurse dating former patient?

Qing · Jun 29, 2018

His behavior can be considered harassment and can escalate. He knows where you work and its his way to try to reach you. He has crossed the line and his behavior is not appropriate. I have a story about someone I worked with. Very nice person and someone would always call asking for this person. I think the caller was a former patient from several years ago (more than 5 years plus- not exactly sure). This person I worked with never wanted to talk to this person and always avoided talking to the caller. For those who knew, we would not reveal the information if so and so was here or working. Now not everyone knew that so sometimes someone would tell that the person was not there. So if you think the calling is not creepy, what I am telling you happened. DON'T even consider dating this person and be firm with the boundaries. The last thing you want is to lose your sense of security.

macawake, MSN · Jun 29, 2018

The fact that you are trying to re-frame this into something relatively okay is concerning.
Calling someone repeatedly at work to initiate a dating relationship with someone who said no is the very DEFINITION of stalking.

And we don't know enough to say that he isn't dangerous. I'm not willing to take that risk and tell her to go for it. She said no and he's already circumvented the phone and is now repeatedly calling her at work. That screams of boundary issues.

Regardless of whether or not he was a past patient, this is alarming behavior. Don't ignore the red flags.

Guys, I agree 100% with you.

OP, I would not under any circumstances go on a date with a man who acts this way. The fact that he is a recent patient of yours is in my opinion enough to make it inappropriate, but his failure to take no for an answer bothers me a lot.

I don't think we know enough to determine that he's a stalker or serial killer...

No, we don't know that he's a serial killer. He is however exhibiting stalker behavior. Repeated phone calls to a person's place of work after being told no, is troubling behavior.

What kind of no did you give?

What kind? In my opinion, as long as it was the kind that's spelled November Oscar, saying it once should be all it takes.

And yes, sadly I am aware of the current culture. But I think we're talking about a first date here, not a sexual advance.

Unless he's merely looking for a new bridge partner, then trust me, sex has most definitely crossed this man's mind. He may or may not plan for or expect sex on a first date, but attraction is definitely a factor when you ask someone out.

Is it really true that guys can no longer be persistent? (Or the other way around)...

That depends on what you mean by persistent. If by persistent you refer to behavior like what's been described by OP, meaning treating a no as a yes or a maybe, then I really hope that it's no longer acceptable to be persistent.

A persistent guy became my husband 30 years ago, in a different time and place. Back then it was charming.

I of course have no way of knowing how you and your husband met. I assume his persistence was of a different and more benign nature, since you seem happy. However, what OP is describing, doesn't sound charming at all to me.

CX_EDRN · Jun 29, 2018

My actual boyfriend does not get to call me on my work line much less a guy that I don't know and have turned down. Repeatedly calling someone at their place of work for personal reasons, regardless of the reason, smacks of immaturity and a lack of boundaries. I would not tolerate it. Not to mention, you've already told him no. Unless it was a cutesy "oh, I couldn't possibly" since he's still calling your work, meaning you are probably sending mixed signals. So either you want to date him or you don't but want the attention since he's not doing it in a "stalking" way (your words). Either way, you've got to figure it out. Sounds messsssy messy messy.

SmilingBluEyes · Jun 30, 2018

Stay far, far away. He's on my creep radar.

SmilingBluEyes · Jun 30, 2018

Based on what? That he persists past an initial no? She said no and then came here to get an opinion, so she sounds like she might be open to something.
I don't think we know enough to determine that he's a stalker or serial killer...OP, how many times has he called? What kind of no did you give?
And yes, sadly I am aware of the current culture. But I think we're talking about a first date here, not a sexual advance. Is it really true that guys can no longer be persistent? (Or the other way around)... A persistent guy became my husband 30 years ago, in a different time and place. Back then it was charming. ï¿½ï¿½ï¿½ï¿½ï¿½ï¿½

What do you MEAN "what kind of no". I always taught my kids "no" is NO.

HalfBoiled, BSN, RN · Jun 30, 2018

One of my coworkers is currently dating a former patient.

Both had no idea since the nurse took care of the patient when she was a new grad.

They met through Tinder.

Funny part was the doctor discovered it while updating the H&P, during patient's annual check up, and noticed said nurse's name on "Last edited by:..." on one of progress notes.

Doctor was familiar with the nurse and brought it up to the patient because the patient said he was dating a nurse with in this hospital.

broughden · Jun 30, 2018

Yes outpatient quick relationship. Thing is I said no. Told him it's crossing the line and just plain unprofessional. But he's very persistent. Went out his way to somehow get the nurse ext. and continues to call but not in a stalking wayï¿½ï¿½ï¿½ï¿½ï¿½ï¿½

You are making excuses for a stalker. Once you said NO he should have stopped, period.

His not stopping is a total sign of disrespect to you and your feelings.

Avoid him at all costs.

TeriDavisNewman · Jun 30, 2018

I never dated a patient, but I did date a bunch of cops and a few dozen docs before I married a cop. You never meet anyone but cops and docs in the ER. I'm the queen of the First and Final date, which has resulted in 3 serious stalking events--BEFORE it was illegal to do it. Nurses are frequently stalked, so if you don't have a CCF permit then GET ONE.

Editorial Team / Moderator · Jun 30, 2018

I clearly watch the ID Channel too often! Sounds like an episode of Dateline that does not end well for the nurse.

But FWIW, I know someone who married a former patient on her floor, though she didn't provide much direct care for him (maybe gave meds a few times when covering for a coworker, but there was obvious and immediate mutual interest). Very marginal interaction in the hospital.

Coffee Nurse, BSN, RN · Jun 30, 2018

What do you MEAN "what kind of no". I always taught my kids "no" is NO.

SO MUCH YES TO THIS.

audreysmagic, RN · Jun 30, 2018

And we don't know enough to say that he isn't dangerous. I'm not willing to take that risk and tell her to go for it. She said no and he's already circumvented the phone and is now repeatedly calling her at work. That screams of boundary issues. I married an abuser and my Spidey sense is tingling but you do you.

^ A million times this. As both a psych nurse AND someone who also ended up with an abuser, the "oh, he's just persistent!" is an early red flag. I don't date patients, period - boundaries. Unless, maybe, it was someone I treated at a first-aid station with a bandaid, sent on their way, and ran into later in another context. There are just too many power imbalances in play. But, to stick to the point, I don't care if you met this guy at the mall. If you say no and he calls you at work, that's when the alarm bells should be going off.

I really hate the dating culture of "if someone says no, be charming and persistent" that gets perpetuated by dumb romcoms. Trust me, if they change their mind, they'll find you...and the thing that would get me saying, "Hey, this person is pretty cool after all" is respecting my decisions and my space.

TriciaJ, RN · Jun 30, 2018

^ A million times this. As both a psych nurse AND someone who also ended up with an abuser, the "oh, he's just persistent!" is an early red flag. I don't date patients, period - boundaries. Unless, maybe, it was someone I treated at a first-aid station with a bandaid, sent on their way, and ran into later in another context. There are just too many power imbalances in play. But, to stick to the point, I don't care if you met this guy at the mall. If you say no and he calls you at work, that's when the alarm bells should be going off.
I really hate the dating culture of "if someone says no, be charming and persistent" that gets perpetuated by dumb romcoms. Trust me, if they change their mind, they'll find you...and the thing that would get me saying, "Hey, this person is pretty cool after all" is respecting my decisions and my space.

Amen to this. If the guy was decent and normal and just interested, here is what he'd do: After being told "no" he would send you a note at your workplace. He would thank you for the care and understand why you would say no. Then he would leave his contact information and leave it up to you if you changed your mind later. And that would be that.

Persistently calling anyone in their workplace is called harassment. Even spouses and family members are discouraged from doing this. It is disruptive and can cause employment problems for the person being called. That's why this is red flag behaviour.