"stop isolating yourself"

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Aug 9, 2016

Moved to the Nurse Colleague / Patient Relations forum for more replies.

meanmaryjean, DNP, RN · Aug 9, 2016

OP? Where are you? You've been given some VERY useful advice here. Your thoughts?

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 10, 2016

Your colleague was trying to be helpful, not rude. By isolating yourself, you make it seem as though you don't want to be part of the team. If that continues, people will think that you don't want to be part of the team. It's difficult to like nurses who behave as though t hey don't like you (isolating yourself, not participating in chat sessions, not engaging your colleagues) and it is more difficult to forgive the errors and shortcomings of someone you don't like. Nurses who are well-liked can survive some mighty big errors and keep their jobs and their licenses. Someone who isn't well-liked may find herself hung out to dry on a minor error. If people don't like you (because you act as though you don't like them by isolating yourself) it's easier not to tell you that you're filling out the I & O section incorrectly, that your dressing changes aren't per unit policy or that you're making some other error until the sheer multitude of minor errors becomes a major issue and you're blindsided by your manager telling you "it's not working out." I'm not saying that's what SHOULD happen; I'm saying it's what DOES happen.

You're lucky -- your colleague decided to take a chance and tell you before you've irreparably damaged your reputation at this place of employment. Take heed, and thank your lucky stars.

amoLucia · Aug 11, 2016

Also to add - OP, don't be surprised if you find that you're one that's not invited to the staff BBQ or holiday party or a staff baby/wedding shower. You might not care a lot about going to a co-worker's home fashion cosmetics demo, afterall, who needs more makeup. But I'd like to be invited anyway. You'll prob be bemoaning the fact that 'no one seems to like you' as you've been left out of group activities.

There's a fine line between 'being friends' and 'being friendly' with your peers/co-workers. Somebody just gave you the 'heads up' as it's being perceived that it looks like you're neither friend or friendly.

meanmaryjean, DNP, RN · Aug 11, 2016

Note: OP has isolated herself from the discussion to HER thread.

KayStanley · Aug 11, 2016

This is one thing I also worry about working with a bunch of women. Sounds like drama. The lady was just giving you a heads up but if I were her I wouldn't have engaged in it at all. And you should do the same!! keep being friendly and doing your job. Sit where you want to sit..its not a social event, it's your job..and i'm sure you have a real life outside of it!

BeenThere2012, ASN, RN · Aug 11, 2016

I am not sure if she meant to criticize you or encourage you to "join in". I understand your intentions as you stated them. Unfortunately, some co-workers want "everyone" to be in a group or click. Many are just friendly people and want to get to know you more. Some are control freaks and want everyone to do everything the same way. It is hard to say what her intentions were, but if you felt angry and/or insulted, then I am guessing she came across in a not so nice way. You might say, "I'll be down the hall to chart so I can focus. If you guys need anything, just call." If you think it might make a difference, explain why you are charting in the hallway. Maybe there is some misunderstanding where they think you don't like them or something.

When all is said and done, you do not need to apologize for who you are or change your personality. However you feel most safe in your practice is your business as long as you are making a reasonable effort to be a part of the team and to be helpful, as you said you do.

Don't sweat it. In time they will get to know you and you can hang out with them, IF YOU CHOOSE!

BeenThere2012, ASN, RN · Aug 11, 2016

Your colleague was trying to be helpful, not rude. By isolating yourself, you make it seem as though you don't want to be part of the team. If that continues, people will think that you don't want to be part of the team. It's difficult to like nurses who behave as though t hey don't like you (isolating yourself, not participating in chat sessions, not engaging your colleagues) and it is more difficult to forgive the errors and shortcomings of someone you don't like. Nurses who are well-liked can survive some mighty big errors and keep their jobs and their licenses. Someone who isn't well-liked may find herself hung out to dry on a minor error. If people don't like you (because you act as though you don't like them by isolating yourself) it's easier not to tell you that you're filling out the I & O section incorrectly, that your dressing changes aren't per unit policy or that you're making some other error until the sheer multitude of minor errors becomes a major issue and you're blindsided by your manager telling you "it's not working out." I'm not saying that's what SHOULD happen; I'm saying it's what DOES happen.
You're lucky -- your colleague decided to take a chance and tell you before you've irreparably damaged your reputation at this place of employment. Take heed, and thank your lucky stars.

I know exactly what you are saying. It does trouble me a bit though. I happen to be a friendly, out-going person, so having "friends" at work hasn't been a big issue for me. I like the pot lucks etc...I like helping each other and having comradery (spell?), but for those who are not naturally out-going or need to focus such as the OP said, its really not right that we wouldn't support her/him as we would anyone else when appropriate in a professional setting. In fact, even though I had some very good friends at my last permanent job, I didn't "fit in" the same way as the ones "in power" did. I had the experience of being thrown under the bus when some "stuff" hit the fan and I do think part of it had to do with what you said. The pettiness I have seen here and there befuddles me. I am one of the first to step up and be supportive to co-workers..."friend" or not when needed. I am an encourager and love to mentor new nurses, for example. I'm from the "old school" where we protected our own and maybe at times gave each other some teasing or mild hazing, but DO NOT let someone from the outside come in and mess with one of us. We were good at circling the wagons. It is so different now. It makes me sad.

abixxy, MSN, RN · Aug 12, 2016

Don't worry or lose sleep over it. I am very quiet by nature. I was raised by older parents and it was engraved in my mind that "it's better to be seen than heard." You can engage at work holiday parties or by participating in the weekend pot luck. Don't let someone mastake your professionalism with shroud "isolation."

ixchel · Aug 12, 2016

I also got fired once after 2 weeks of orientation for "not smiling enough".

In my head, after I read a story by you, I secretly end it with, "then I popped a cap in his ass," and imagine you standing in glorious rock star 80s poses with smoke/steam billowing behind you as car headlights beam through it toward you. Then in totally awesome slow-mo, you light a cigarette with one of those flip lighters. You drop the lighter with some badassery, and a trail of gasoline suddently ignites. You walk forward (as badasses do), staring into the distance. And as we see you in focus, walking toward the horizon, a random (but somehow important) building blows up behind the smoke of awesome.

eta - OP, if you need to chart in quiet then chart in quiet. I know I prefer it. And some nights you really do need to sit near a patient's room. Maybe toward the end of a shift when you're caught up, you can go see what everyone is up to.

cayenne06, MSN, CNM · Aug 13, 2016

I can see both sides of this. Your coworker is correct; investing in strong interpersonal workplace connections benefits the team as a whole, and is critical for developing the rapport/connections that you will need to further your career.

But. I am an introvert. Like you, when I was a floor nurse I would frequently choose to do my work away from the nurses' station, when possible. A few minutes of peace recharges my batteries, and I am incredibly more efficient when I step away from the bustle. As a CNM, I take my lunch break by myself 95% of the time, and I steal away to my office for charting etc whenever feasible. I've been known to sit in an exam room to do my charting, when it's too busy for me to get to my office but I still need to focus, away from the hustle of the main hub.

I have really good connections with all of the staff at my clinic. We are close, we laugh and talk and confide in each other and have a great working relationship. But I know my tendency to isolate myself puts me at a disadvantage.

I try to compensate for it in other ways, like scrubbing specs, turning over rooms, etc etc, when the MAs are swamped and I have a minute of down time between patients. I bring in snacks, I collaborate directly with my assistants and seek out their insight. On my one year anniversay with the organization, I wrote individualized notes of appreciation to everyone, and brought everyone their favorite snacks and a big basket of little alcohol bottles (nips?) for everyone to choose from. I try to go to social events outside work, at least every once in a while.

So yeah. Isolating yourself can be detrimental. But for many of us, a degree of "isolation" is really critical to working efficiently and protecting our mental health. I have moved quickly "up the ladder" at this job, so to speak. My introverted tendencies haven't seemed to negatively impact my career path. Maybe because I actively work to make up for my self imposed solitude. Maybe just because I am pretty good at this job and have eagerly accepted all opportunities for growth.

But then, who knows. Maybe if I ate lunch with the staff I would be more successful than I already am.

BeenThere2012, ASN, RN · Aug 15, 2016

In my head, after I read a story by you, I secretly end it with, "then I popped a cap in his ass," and imagine you standing in glorious rock star 80s poses with smoke/steam billowing behind you as car headlights beam through it toward you. Then in totally awesome slow-mo, you light a cigarette with one of those flip lighters. You drop the lighter with some badassery, and a trail of gasoline suddently ignites. You walk forward (as badasses do), staring into the distance. And as we see you in focus, walking toward the horizon, a random (but somehow important) building blows up behind the smoke of awesome.
eta - OP, if you need to chart in quiet then chart in quiet. I know I prefer it. And some nights you really do need to sit near a patient's room. Maybe toward the end of a shift when you're caught up, you can go see what everyone is up to.

I think this is good compromise.