Not Nursing Related-- need advice from the people I know won't let me down --- LONG!

[chasingthedream]

Ladies,

I think I may have just done the stupidest thing any human could have done. After having some issues with my MIL it was recommended to me that I write her an email (not intended to be sent) and tell her how I feel. Just kind of a cleansing my soul kind of thing.... welllll... In trying to send it to my best friend I inadvertently sent it to my whole address book... She hasn't received it yet, but it's only a matter of time. My husband knows everything that has happened and is 100% supportive and I just told him that I accidentally sent it and he said oh well it's time it all came out in the open anyway. My problem is that I have no idea how to handle this. And it's just a matter of time before the **** hits the fan. I am a non confrontational person for the most part and I said things in that letter that I would have never ever ever had the guts to say to her face. But it made me feel so much better to just put them to paper. Ya know? Anyway, I know this is a place that I can come and hopefully get advice and help from ladies and guys with a lot more life experience then I have.... soooooo.... HELP!!!!

Below is a copy of what I emailed out to her.... (names changed to protect the guilty)

MIL-

I understand that you have asked DH several times why it is that since our wedding and his returning to Iraq, I have chosen to not answer my phone. While I understand that I should have done this sooner, hindsight is 20/20 and it's too late to go back now. However, I do need to get this off my chest, not for you, but for my own sanity. Because I am unable to just forget that the past ever happened and pretend like everything is fine. Some people can, I'm not one of them. The truth is, I have been holding a lot of things inside in the interest of "not fighting about it" and because DH and I had agreed to let each other deal with their own parents, but it's high time that I get this out in the open. And before you ask, yes DH knows about this email and he knows exactly what it says. He has seen this, read it, helped write it, and agrees with everything that I have said. Neither of us feels like I have said anything here that was out of line or did not need to be said. Also if, after having read this email, it continues, then you can't say you weren't made aware of what you've done wrong and made to understand that we will not continue to put up with this. So you may take this in whatever way you wish but this will not be sent again and you will not be told again.

The reason I have chosen to distance myself from you is the fact that I find it very hard to smile and pretend that everything is fine, so I simply quit trying. I can't pretend that I'm not hurt and I've tried to do so for so long. I've tried very hard to just let it be in the past, but I can't anymore. I can't talk to you like you're my best friend and pretend the past never happened. I'm sick and tired of sweeping things under the rug, which fixes nothing. And this business about how everyone would rather just forgive and forget anything ever happened, not gonna happen. I've always found it funny how the offending party are always the first ones to want to forgive and forget it ever happened. It is not up to DH to fix your mistakes with me. He didn't cause you to do these things and it's not his responsibility to fix it. You constantly tell DH how much you guys want a relationship with me and how you looked at me like your own daughter, but your actions have shown something completely different.

Beginning with the first Christmas that DH and I were together, things have been this way. Maybe you guys don't remember doing this but I sure do and I'm not likely to ever forget this one. Mostly because I've never been so hurt or embarrassed in my life. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me refresh your memory. You and SFIL had taken pictures of me sleeping and had turned them over and written several not so nice comments (something to the effect of "oink oink little piggie") on them. As if that were not bad enough, you gave them to me in front of your entire family and encouraged me to "pass them around so everyone could see". I don't know what in the hell possessed you to do that, but even now, two years later, that still hurts. And although I'm told that I'm crazy for still speaking to the both of you after that stunt, apparently I'm a glutton for punishment.

Not long after that happened, DH and I made the decision to move in together, and while I respect the fact that you did not agree or approve of the choice that we made, it was just that. A choice WE made. We were both adults and neither of us needed to ask mommy and daddy's permission before we chose to move our relationship forward a step. We made the decision together and acted on it, and while it wasn't BIL's place to let you guys know we'd decided to move in together, it makes no difference how you found out. If we had sat you down and told you both, neither of you would have agreed and the end result would be the same. And we both resent the fact that you asked us to lie to "the family" because you were embarrassed that we were living together before we got married. First of all, nobody was stupid enough to believe that we didn't considering the fact that we arrived together and went home together every single time. And second of all, neither myself nor DH had anything that we needed to be ashamed of or embarrassed by and I will never again hide my actions because someone doesn't approve, because I'm pretty sure that neither of us asked for or needs their approval.

It was very soon after we moved in together that he got alerted and then right after that, activated. And I do understand that you did not want DH to leave me as POA and even though at the time of him leaving we had been together for over a year, I can see the other side of the coin on this and see your concern as a parent. However, it still bothers me to this day that both you and Scott flat out said that you didn't want me being left as POA because "you didn't know how long I would stick around". First of all, all thanks for your confidence in me but more then that is the confidence that you apparently did not have in DH for being able to judge me better then that. But that's okay because it was ultimately the right decision and there's nothing that I have or have not done with that paper that he has not authorized me to do.

One month after he left for Iraq, we announced our engagement and while you both acted very happy for us to my face, DH heard a different story. I heard about how you couldn't wait for the wedding to get here and how excited you were, DH heard about how we shouldn't do it and that he should call it off. About how we had no business getting married because we didn't own our own home and because I'm still in school and didn't date a hundred different guys before we got together. Then it was that we were too young to know what we really wanted (my grandparents married when they were 18/19 and just celebrated 52 years).

That didn't work because DH wouldn't listen so then he was told that we had no business getting married because of the ring issue, which by the way, I did not care about. I believe SFIL'S exact words were that I needed to have a ring that I could show off when someone asked me to see it. Who gives a flying crap about that? I'm pretty sure that it's the commitment that the ring symbolizes and not the physical ring, that everyone else can see, that matters. Do you wear your wedding band so that everyone else can see it? Is it done for the benefit of others in case they ask to see it? I don't know about you, but that's not why I wear mine. I don't recall anything in the ring ceremony about wearing this ring so that in case others ask to see it they can see it and ohh and ahh about how pretty it is. What I remember is the part about wearing this ring as a symbol of unending love and commitment. And I'm pretty sure that my engagement ring isn't the more important one of the two that I wear. And the truth is, DH and I were engaged for several months without a ring, and we were both fine with that. And by the way I do know about SFIL asking him to promise to not ask me to marry him, why he would ask him that I don't know, but obviously DH didn't listen and broke that promise. Because of that promise, we chose to keep a lid on it and only told very few people. How long we were engaged before we chose to tell everyone is irrelevant. If both of us had been smart we would have eloped before he left and not told anybody. Unfortunately we didn't.

Once wedding planning got underway I do not appreciate the comments in reference to my weight. As I'm sure you're going to say you don't know what I'm talking about let me again clarify. 1- the day in the kitchen when SFIL said that he didn't know they made wedding dresses 'in my size' 2- when I was eating dessert at Christmas and Scott said are you sure you're still going to fit in that dress 3- "it's a good thing it ties up so you gain weight can tie it a little tighter. Do any of those ring a bell? Nobody makes comments on either of your weights and it was rude, disrespectful, classless, and tacky to make comments about mine. Your son doesn't seem to have a problem with it, so it's none of your business if I'm a size 10, 12, or 20. Although after the pictures at Christmas basically telling me the same thing, I don't know why I was so surprised and hurt by those comments.

For clarification it was up to DH and DH only to ask BIL to not stand up with him in our wedding. It wasn't my place to ask him or give him my opinion one way or another because BIL is not my brother. However, I do not recall either of us asking for your opinion on the choice that he made, so your email to both of us about how we have "both really done it this time" was out of line. It was our wedding and therefore our choice on the people that would or would not be standing up with us. And while you're entitled to your opinion, we are entitled to ask you to keep it to yourself because DH made the choice that made him happy. Nowhere is it written that because you chose to have two sons that one automatically has the right to stand up in the wedding of the other. You had no right to make the suggestion or the comment that you thought my brother should be an usher because "dare you say" DH didn't know him as well. Last I checked it was our wedding and my brother stood exactly where we wanted him to.

As far as the flowers go, that was our decision to make from day one and when you were finally told of the decision that DH and I had made together, there was a big ordeal made out of the fact that we wanted all the mothers to have something similar. To this day I do not understand how it is that you truly thought nobody was slighted by you having different flowers from anyone there. And I don't appreciate you throwing my dad and his tux back in my face. Once again the bottom line here is that it was our wedding and if that was the decision that we made, then that's the way it would be. DH and I knew from the first comment made by my dad that he would not be wearing anything different then any of the other dads there, and I didn't feel the need to report my decisions to you because I'm pretty sure it wasn't your wedding. Even if we had decided to let daddy wear the different tux, I don't recall needing your consent or approval. But if you're going to argue, would you like to argue that my dad and CIL had on cowboy boots instead of the tux shoes that the other guys were wearing? And while I'm on the matter of CIL and CIL'S children, you had no business going behind my back to call her and mention anything to her about not being able to make it to David's Bridal to get CIL's dress. She had already called me and I was aware of it, it required no further intervention on your part.

Anyway- I'd like to get something straight right now; our finances are none of your business. How much money I spend on purses and shoes is none of your concern. Last time I checked, I work 45 hours a week so if I want to buy a new purse, I will. I do not, however, need you going behind my back to DH to tattle about how much money I choose to spend. I'm relatively sure that my name is on that checking account too and as long as all of our bills are paid and we both have the things we need, I'll damn well buy whatever I want and I do not need your permission to do it. The next time you're so worried about the money that I'm spending why don't you add up these figures. 500 for internet so that you can talk to your "baby boy"-- 175 for a laptop so that he can use said internet--40 for a webcam so that you can see him--2000+ for phone cards so that he can call home -- not to mention postage as well as the money that has been debited from OUR checking account for the necessities that he needs while he's there. All of the money that has been spent on DH while he's been gone has benefited you in one way or another. So maybe the next time that you worry that I'm spending all of DH's money you should keep those numbers in mind.

I am fully aware that you both did not want us to buy our home, but again it was the best decision for us and even if it were not, I don't recall either of us asking for your opinion. It is possible to inform you of a decision that we have made without you giving your opinion or advice. Because although you may have bought a house before, we are two very different people from you and SFIL and what's good for you is not necessarily good for us and vice versa. Part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them. Just because your opinion is that DH should have been home when it was closed and purchased, does not make it law. So you writing him an email and telling him "I'm only going to say this once, you should have been home when the house was purchased and the wedding was planned...." Well that's nice, but that's just your opinion. DH and I both love our home so whether he was here or on the other side of the world, is irrelevant. The fact is that we both have a home that we absolutely love and it's ours. For someone who supposedly knows so much about the military way of life, you should know that military wives have to make big decisions like that all the time all by themselves and there are thousands and thousands of relationships that work wonderfully that way.

And the email that was sent to DH the day that we began moving in to our house was completely uncalled for. There was no reason to make the comments about how the flowers and the ribbon would be torn down the second that I arrived or that just because I wasn't able to answer your call right then and there I was avoiding you and ignoring your calls. I'm sure that it never occurred to you that on our moving day and a month before our wedding I might have better things to do then to sit around and wait for your call. To be perfectly honest I was out of range on my cell phone, not that it's any of your business. And after having asked DH if it was okay if you stopped by and him having told you not to; that it would not be a good time and not to come that weekend because I wouldn't have time and didn't really want visitors, you both showed up anyway. Unannounced and uninvited. In case you didn't know this, that's rude. Especially after you've already been told not to come. Showing up to look and see what all we'd gotten done after working our asses off for two days could have waited a week. You both showed up in passing and neither of you lifted a finger to help. And don't you dare throw it back that you weren't asked to help because my parents weren't asked either, they knew help was needed and they showed up. That's what parents are supposed to do for their children.

While I'm on the subject of emails, let me say this- I do not in any way, shape, or form, appreciate you telling my husband how I'm going to keep him from you and how you can see it already happening. Because if you think for a second that I'm keeping him from you, despite the fact that I'm several thousand miles away, well damn I'm more talented then I thought. Maybe instead of blaming me for him pulling away think about the fact that he's 23 years old and is probably sick of you treating him like a little boy instead of the grown man that he is. I told you and DH both from day one that I would never ever try to keep him from you. You are welcome to see each other as much as he likes and talk as much as he wants. I have never and will never try to stop him from coming to see you or calling you. Just because I don't necessarily feel like it, don't want to, or whatever reason there may be, there is nothing stopping him from getting in the car. I certainly don't need his permission to see my parents; he doesn't need mine to see his own. And as for holidays, even if we never have a great relationship, I can be nice and civil. I would never and won't ever let my own feelings stand in the way of DH seeing his family. Just as there are many things you guys don't have the right to do, I don't have the right nor is it my place to ask him to give up his family for me or my family. There are countless emails that we have saved (yes we both saved them) that talk about how apparently I lie to you constantly and that I'm trying to keep him all to myself from you and that he's the one who has to live with me but that he needs to keep the communication open with you and all of his family. I never once stopped any of you from calling him, even when he was home and everyone was burning up MY cell phone to get a hold of him, even though we had a perfectly good home phone on the wall in the kitchen, the number to which everyone had. Even though while he was home, we had to turn the cell phone off and take the home phone off the hook to even get the chance to be alone together.

Neither of us appreciates your friends, however close they may be to you, sticking their noses where it does not belong on issues that are none of their business. Jim had no right to write that email to DH basically bashing me, telling DH how he needs to watch me because women in general are manipulative and that when I leave him all he'll have left are his family and his friends so he should make sure he doesn't lose them. Jim doesn't know the first thing about me or my relationship with DH and I intend to keep it that way. I'm pretty sure that spending a couple of hours with me a few times does not entitle him to make judgments about my character. As I recall I've never tried to manipulate your son or keep him from you. So for future reference you can tell your friends to keep their opinions to themselves unless asked for it. It's a very good thing that I have more respect for your son and that I wasn't about to make a scene on his first day home because truth be told, after the things that he wrote about me in that email, I had a very hard time keeping my mouth shut that day. I'm not in the habit of welcoming people who disrespect me into my home.

And while I'm on the subject of DH coming home, I just want you to know that we both know about the "DH Tracking" emails. How dare you. As if his word wasn't good enough for you, that he would let you know when he was arriving, you had to have someone watch him to make sure he wasn't lying. Nobody needed you using your "connections" to find out anything, if you had placed a little bit of trust in your son, you would have known what was going on and wouldn't have had to go behind anybody's backs to do so. You stepped over so many lines on so many levels right there, and as a result, you probably aren't going to be informed of much of anything anymore. Use your connections. As if that weren't bad enough, you took it upon yourself to invite everyone, including people DH had no interest in seeing when he stepped off that plane, to the airport. Yep we know about that email too. About how DH supposedly wanted so many people there, when DH himself said that he didn't want a big crowd and that the people he wanted there already knew the flight info so they didn't need to be told again. They certainly did not need an email sent out to everyone in your address book letting telling them to call you if they wanted to show up!! How dare you take it upon yourself to invite people who had no business being there, to share in the first twenty minutes that DH spent on American soil in over six months? In case nobody realized, that was supposed to be a very private moment, not just for DH and myself, but for the few people that he actually wanted to be there. There were people that wanted to be there that did not come because they had more respect for DH and myself then that, why is it that you couldn't?

After having been traveling home for over two days and waking up early because of his body being on another sleep schedule and after spending half of the day in Stanford, he was tired. I'm pretty sure he had a right to be. Even after having told Scott that he was tired and that he was going to go home and lay down, DH even made the comment that he knew SFIL was going to show up anyway. I had hoped he'd be proven wrong. He wasn't. For twenty minutes, Scott literally beat on our front door to the point that I thought he was going to break it. Then after we didn't answer the door he went out and stood by his car and stared at our house, when that produced no movement, he drove around to the street behind our house and watched the backside of the house. First of all not only is that creepy on so many levels, but that is not how a grown man behaves. That's how a child behaves when they're throwing a temper tantrum when they don't get their way, which is exactly what happened. DH did not do what SFIL said when he said to do it, so he threw a temper tantrum. Not once, but twice. We've both had enough of behavior like that; I dealt with that for too many years with my own step dad, I don't intend on dealing with it now. We are going to say this once and won't warn again, the next time anything like that happens, there won't be you or DH to worry about; there will be the Nicholasville PD to worry about, because I will call the police. DH and I are in agreement about that. We will not allow that sort of thing to occur in or at our home home, as I'm fairly sure that you wouldn't allow it in yours. And I'm fully aware that's your sons house too, but my name is on that deed just as much as his is and we both feel the same way about this situation. For some reason everyone is acting like this never happened. We will not live in fear of SFIL's next temper tantrum and we will not allow our children to either.

And most recently, you had no right to take it upon yourself to do anything with the pictures that WE paid for. As I recall you did not pay a dime on them so it's none of your business if I left them there two days, two weeks, two months or two damn years. You didn't pay for them, you had no right to touch them. And Barbara Ann had no right to let you, but I'll deal with her later. You didn't even have the respect for me or for DH to call and see if it was okay. Once again you took it upon yourself to do things that you had no business doing. And this crap about Jim and Vicky is just that, crap. They didn't pay for them, they don't belong to them.

I hope that you realize that you have succeeded in DH not wanting to tell you details of anything ever again because you can't seem to keep yourself from putting yourself in the middle of things that do not concern you. And you don't have the respect for either of us to even ask to see if we want or need you to place yourself in the middle. In case you haven't noticed, nobody's marching to the beat of your drum anymore. You are no longer in charge of everything as you used to be. DH has learned that he can make decisions on his own and if that decision is a mistake then we'll work through it together and do it better next time. He no longer doubts himself and is slowly beginning to realize that he doesn't need anybody to hold his hand on things. However, even the decisions that he has made on his own still get blamed on me. I don't get it. Do you just think he's incapable of making up his own mind or of telling me that he disagrees with a decision that I might make? Because I assure you, he's not. I'm very proud of the changes in him that have taken place, he's done a lot of growing up and is a whole lot more confident in himself and his ability to do things on his own. So if it's true and I have changed him, and being with me has made him grow up, then great. But I will tell you this, from someone who listens to him at night, if things don't change and change quickly, you will no longer need to worry about me pulling DH away from you because you are quickly pushing him away.

DH and I are adults and we expect to be treated like adults. You are a guest in our marriage and our home and you are going to be treated as such. No more walking on eggshells. I'm sick of it, being nice is obviously getting me nowhere except for me being treated like a doormat. We are both perfectly capable of making our own decisions without asking for mommy and daddy's advice constantly, we have to learn to stand on our own because, face it, there will come a day when mommy and daddy aren't there. Our decisions are based on what will be best for us and our family in the end, not because it will please anyone else. We both have new priorities now, in case nobody was listening on our wedding day, when a man or woman gets married they leave their family and create a new family with their husband or wife. We now have to do what is best for us, and if you or Scott or anybody else doesn't agree with it, well that's okay and you're allowed your own opinion. And unless we specifically ask you what you think, you also should keep that opinion to yourself.

Bottom line is this, you treat me with dignity and you will always be welcome in my home. You treat me with respect and you will always be allowed the privilege of seeing my family. You continue to disrespect me and treat me like a doormat and you will always be an outcast. You do not have to like me or love me, but there will be a basic human respect there. I have never outright disrespected you for no reason and I have never talked back to you unless provoked because I was taught better. But this has gone on long enough, make no mistake; this cannot continue.

~DIL

[RNsRWe, ASN, RN]

Yikes.

Well, there's only one way to handle it: call your MIL asap (do NOT wait for her to get a copy of this!), tell her you were feeling stressed and decided that the way to get your feelings out would be to write a letter and then destroy it. You never intended to send it (most of us have done this very thing, with actual paper). She would know what you were talking about, since it's a common enough method of relieving one's anger toward someone without actually involving the other person.

Get to the point with her, fast: you did something stupid, meaning you managed to send this anger-filled letter to everyone in Creation courtesy of your modem. You didn't mean to. You didn't even mean anyone at all to see it, just a stress-reliever for you.

But you did send it, and now it's out there for the world to see. Tell her you're embarrassed, and know it will cause her embarrassment, and for that you're sorry. But also tell her that since these things are now out in the open, it would be the ideal time to talk about them, one-on-one, just the two of you in a room, and let it all out. Being sorry it was sent isn't the same thing as apologizing for your feelings; they are valid. But now give HER the chance to let it all out, too. Clearly, she's going to have a choice word or two to say to and about you, as well.

I wish you the best, and hope that your MIL is the kind of person that will accept an apology and know where to give one herself as well.

Hang in there!

[Straydandelion]

I would say the ball is in her court now. She may need to finally understand in order to keep good relations with her son and DIL, that she won't be able to control anymore. There doesn't sound like there will ever be a wonderful/great relationship, but mutual respect is still possible depending on how much she wants it, and how you respond.

As far as sending her the email, the worst part is sending it to all on your list. This would do the same as she has tried and done with you.... embarrass her. Calling to let her know is simple courtesy.

[JustaGypsy]

I'm thinking it may be good for her to get, without apology...

Maybe tell her you did not intend to send it, but you have, inadvertently as you said. But no apology. She sounds like a nightmare.

[JBudd, MSN]

wow.

I'm with RNsRwe, tell her it was not intended to be made public, just cathartic.

From all the things you said in it, however, I doubt she'll accept it or change. On the bright side, she may be so offended she'll never speak to you again

So sorry you're having such a rough time with the inlaws, sounds like you and DH have really worked things out together. God bless and keep you together, and watch over him in Iraq.

[kythe, LPN]

I agree with the first response, that you should call her and explain the situation right away. However, don't apologize for what you said - only for the fact that you sent it inadvertently. Personally, I keep this kind of stuff on paper in my house so I don't make mistakes like that.

On a different note, I admire you for having the courage to deal with your MIL and address the issues in your relationship. I went through years of an abusive relationship with my ex-husband and his parents, both physically and mentally. It has taken me years since to recognize the extent of the mind-games their entire family played, and how I didn't even see myself as a person for a long time because of them.

I don't mean to imply that your family is like this. I'm trying to say that I believe you are in a much healthier place in your perpective of yourself and what you expect from relatioships than I was when I was married. You are a much stronger person that I was, and you have demonstrated that you are able to define personal boundaries and stand up for yourself.

[RN1982]

Wow, this sounds like an episode of Maury Povich.

[DeepFriedRN]

I'm thinking it may be good for her to get, without apology...

Maybe tell her you did not intend to send it, but you have, inadvertently as you said. But no apology. She sounds like a nightmare.

Agreed.. seriously, life is too d**ned short to put up with people behaving like this toward you, no matter who they may be. You have been more than forgiving from the sound of it. You also sound like all this has been boiling inside you for some time. I'm guessing it's probably better to vent it like this (well, maybe without the ENTIRE email list receiving it:D) than it would be to lose your freaking mind on the woman one day when she pushes you too far.

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

The letter is too long and small print for me to read in its entirety, but I get the gist.

I'm wondering, if you didn't intend to actually send it, why did you write this lengthy chronicle of your resentments toward your MIL on your email instead of as a Word Document? And then, to 'accidentally' send it to everyone you know?

That's a classic Freudian slip if you ask me...

[GrumpyRN63, ADN, RN]

I say what's done is done. I highly doubt she'll be interfering in your life anymore, everyone will know what a wack job she is, and the best part is your husband is fine with it, no worries, sounds like you had a little divine intervention goin' on there !!!!

[northshore08]

Well.

If DH and you really DO feel this way and he DOES agree with it all, I really don't see that it hurts MIL and the rest of the family to finally get the news in a form she/they cannot deny. (I thought you did a GREAT job with the letter!) Just be ready for battle with his side of the family, and strongly support each other. Maybe this will help straighten things out, if you were to get apologies for any of the past transgressions. (probably not, but one can always hope.)

I would explain that you did not mean to send it out to the general public; I wouldn't tell her you did not mean to send it to her; that's another reason to deny all the incidents you chronicled in the letter.

Sounds like you need to remove your family from the area for a while; there is a lot to be said for moving young families away for several years, especially in a situation like this. It's easier to go visit than to live next door. Less meddling, more strengthening of your marriage.

Good luck, honey.

[Wise Woman RN]

Wow... what a great letter... too bad it was sent to everyone, true, but it sounds like mil crossed WAY too many lines, and perhaps being gentle just was not ever going to work... By the way, been there, didn't have the nerve to do that, but sure wish I had... my ex-mil was a scary, mean, grasping woman who treated me like I was a stupid, gauche, very poor wife and mother... never good enough for her son... Sometimes you just gotta hit'em over the head with a hammer...

Best wishes to you and hubby.