I want to apologize to the entire nursing profession and educators for being rude and unprofessional for the following reasons;
I am sorry that I feel that being sexually propositioned by another nurse was wrong. When he finally accepted that nothing was going to happen, his actions of pointing me out to patients, telling them my name, and stating that I like to wear women's clothing at home were entirely acceptable! How could I think otherwise? I was even told that his actions were appropriate work place behavior by human resources. How could I ever think that was wrong? At the same work place I went to a physician to request a medication. The physician immediately asked me if I was gay, and repeated the question when I did not reply. Again, how dare I think that was unprofessional! The almost identical scenario occurred another time when I was giving a report for a patient going to the cath lab. The nurse taking the report kept interrupting me asking if I was gay. I guess I am just an idiot for thinking that these behaviors were unacceptable.
I went to another place of employment. At this place I worked with a nurse that would scream (and I don't mean a whisper, but a scream) at the awful things I was doing. I didn't know I should not knock on the patient's door before going in! When I did She started screaming that "the patient will turn on the light when she was ready". I am really confused then why the patient asked what took so long after waiting for 20 minutes before knocking on the door again (no other nurse would approach that patient's door). What was I thinking! I don't know what possessed me another time. There was a file in the orders-to-be-done slot. There was a time noted on the first order, but no initials. The second order had scribbles that may have been initials, but no time. The third order had the first two digits written in the time spot that were the same as the first order. I checked with the patient who did not remember being medicated and did noit have an IV. When I could not locate another nurse, I finally asked the psycho nurse about the patient. This resulted in a 20 minute screaming episode where I was told that I owe her an apology for even asking her about it. Wow, I did not know how awful my actions were until that time! Another time that nurse came up behind me, grabbed the file I was writing my notes in, then threw it back down stating that was not the file she was looking for. I totally get it now! I am just a rude person, how dare I do things like that! The company policy was to have a nurse out in triage throughout the day and night. No one was going out at night so I started going out every time I worked (this also served to get away from that very professional nurse that was always showing me the errors of my ways). So now the other nurses get mad at me because suddenly there was a nurse that wanted to sit in triage. Anybody want to guess who that was? The rest of the staff stated that I could not go out to triage anymore (this is where you look up the term mobbing in the nursing literature). After about two weeks who was out in triage, no one. I stated watching the monitor of the waiting room so I would know if a patient walked in. That got me called a "pervert". Wow, the things I have been learning about myself. I apologize for writing the crazy nurse up. When I finally had my meeting with HR, I was informed that I had to "come up with what I did to cause the problem" or there is nothing that could be done. How silly of me to think that those behaviors were unprofessional. I think if I ever work again in nursing, that I will do those same actions because they are so accepted in the nursing profession. At the same meeting with HR I was accused of diagnosing a patient by their blood work. Yes, I admit it! The fact that the blood work had not been drawn has nothing to do with my willingness to diagnose people with it. I guess the next time a patient asks what does hemoglobin tell us in blood work I should just say that is none of your business instead of stating it tells us if you are anemic. I now understand that physicians love to answer every question that a patient has and if I ever work as a nurse again I will go to them with each and every patient's questions!
At the same place, I now understand that notifying the manager of an upcoming required re certification class two months before it was scheduled was just plain silly of me. When that months schedule came out and I was scheduled to work the day of the class I went to the manager and informed her of the issue. She asked when I had notified her. When I said two months ago she stated that I notified her "too early" and that it should have been only a one month notification. She then stated she would take care of the problem. One week later I notified her again because I hadn't heard anything more. I then found out that she had left on vacation for two weeks. How could I ever think that a two month notification was acceptable? How could I think that when my manager stated she will take care of the problem that she wouldn't? I am sorry for my ignorance! I totally deserved working that 12 hour night shift and then going to an eight hour class!
I quit and after about a year and a half I applied to another hospital system. During the interview I related some of the professional behaviors I had been subjected to as a reason for leaving my former employers. That got me labeled as "stressed" by the HR. Listen HR people, if your are going to say something like that at least have the courtesy to do it where the person cannot hear you. Then during the next part of the interview I was informed "I don't think you have the intelligence to past our tests". Really?
I remember telling my Christian college's dean about these issues to be met with "why do you keep bringing that up". Oh, I don't know, why do women keep bring up the subject of sexual harassment? Maybe because all harassment is wrong? This even applies to so-called Christian and other nursing colleges!
Now I quit working to get away from the abuse. I quit the Master's program and then was kicked out of the college when I tried to reinstate. I was told that I had violated the school code (Yes, because I was sexually harassed by a married man makes me the homosexual, how could I think differently?). I don't understand why if I had violated the student code why this was not noted in my formal dismissal letter? I now understand that bringing up lateral nursing violence and sexual harassment is wrong. It is even worse to complain about it!
I have been without work for over three years now. If not for my Mom's health problems that I am taking care of, I would be homeless. I have been turned down for every job I have applied for (over 20 of them now) during these past few years. All I hear is how we need nurses. I apply for an RN position and I am turned down. MSN jobs just turn me down (because of my age, lack of recent employment? who knows) I am sorry that I quit my previous jobs. I should have just accepted the abuse as normal professional nursing behavior, again my apologies for thinking that nursing is professional. It really is more of a wild west show where the victim is the cause of the problems.
Unemployed and will probably never work again in the nursing profession,
OK, so is it better for an abused nurse to leave than to punish the abusers?
Jon,
Just popping back in to say everything you have said, everything you are going through now is related to this idea. ^
Every single one of us has been wronged in some way or another at some point in our lives. Admittedly some of those wrongs have been more egregious than others - - but it's probably safe to say many, many of us have been in a situation to want to "right" things, to make some particular truth known, or have our brief moment of being vindicated or even getting a little revenge. It is kind of human nature to want the things we think are good to prevail and the things we see as evil to be defeated. Especially when we feel we personally were wronged.
This is where the saying about how "living well is the best revenge" comes into play. It's also why some people advocate forgiveness in various situations like these; they don't mean literally "forgive" as much as "move on and refuse to let it ruin you." (But forgiveness is good, too, if it's possible)...
I'm sorry but no nurse is going to be able to "punish the abusers." Or at least, that situation would be very rare. But what one may do is absolutely destroy oneself hoping and trying.
Many times the biggest thing to do is walk away and refuse to give abusers the biggest "win" of all - ruining your life. The winner doesn't always get the last word. Sometimes (often) the winner is the one who knows when to walk away.
You have to go forward, man. There's no other way.
Originator of thread sounds highly emotional & sensitive. There's not one person on this thread who doesn't have a problem or some type of insecurity.
You have some control over your life. Instead of being the victim all the time, accept responsibility for some of your uncomfortable situations. You need to take risks on building confidence in an environment with supportive friends. When you wake up tomorrow, start the day as if you are a new person. Try not to focus on the past but zone in on the excitement regarding the future and find a way to enjoy the steps it takes to get to that exciting future.
Nobody is punishing the abusers. That's a simple fact. You can accept this, seek help and move on or in the alternative stay in the state you are in. That's it. That's life. You only have the ability to change you. How you fit into the sometimes sick dynamic of nursing. I like being a nurse but like all things it has plusses and minuses. I have to accept that and make myself fit into the equation the best I can. My way has been to draw what I consider healthy boundaries in the workplace. Your way? Well that's up to you. Good Luck!!!
Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.
Hi Jon,
You need to let go of the anger. It is having an effect on your interviews. Were those things awful? Sure. However, for you to succeed and get your life back on track you need to let it go and start anew. Let go of the anger, not because it isn't righteous, but because it is hurting you.
Then start interviewing again and let your absence from working be that you were a caregiver for your mom. Say nothing bad about previous employment and for God's sake quit being honest. That is the very best way to screw up your chances of being hired.
You can turn things around, but not if you stick to your previous way of doing it.
I'm sorry for all the abuse and harassment you suffered. I was bullied as a new nurse and stayed for the crazy reason that I didn't think I could live through it if I got a new job and it happened all over again. I was ostracized by a jealous old hag who was not an RN and wanted to blame all the new grads for this! I've read that victims are more sensitive and bullies pick up onto that and target certain people. She made my life hell, tried to turn everyone against me, and even insinuated I was doing something sinister to cause my patients to be transferred to the ICU, when the reality was I was always up for first admit and as the new grad got the least stable patients so the older nurses could sit around and have an easy night. I had a preceptor that refused to help me with a crashing patient from ER, but thankfully RT took over in that instance. In the end the bully lost her job, others who joined in moved on, some involuntarily, and I was finally appreciated for being a smart nurse! It took a long time to get over what she did to me and also that so many of my coworkers joined in to harass me or wouldn't stand up to stop it so I understand how you feel. I have to say it was sweet revenge when she was demoted and lost her job! Years later I even had to take care of her as a patient and I made sure to let her know how great my life was and all the wonderful things that had happened in my life over the the years. The first time she was a patient I refused to take care of her and made them change the assignment. The second time I felt maybe God wanted me to face her so I did and it felt good!
I want to let you know you are not alone. There are many of us who have been bullied as nurses and I too was targeted by both women and a couple guys at work as well. I won't go into all the details, but I felt a group of nasty nurses made it a game to target me. My supervisor didn't support me either and felt sorry for the bully and I should be sympathetic to her feelings for being upset that she wasn't an RN. The absolute insanity of it boggles my mind even today! I was lucky because I had a few friends who did support me and many kind, appreciative patients that encouraged me when I was going thru hell.
Anyway I just want to encourage you to seek help such as counseling, group therapy or a friend or family member you can confide in. I know the emotional pain it causes to be targeted and how it drains your self confidence, but it does get better. As far as interviewing it is best to say it wasn't a good fit rather than bring up the bullying. Like another OP suggested do read up about interviewing and practice with friends or family to prepare.
Look for other jobs like working at an assisted living center, nursing home, home care or dialysis center. These places need nurses the most and will probably be more sympathetic about a gap in your work history. Let them know you took time off to care for your mother if they question the gap.
Nobody is punishing the abusers. That's a simple fact. You can accept this, seek help and move on or in the alternative stay in the state you are in. That's it. That's life. You only have the ability to change you. How you fit into the sometimes sick dynamic of nursing. I like being a nurse but like all things it has plusses and minuses. I have to accept that and make myself fit into the equation the best I can. My way has been to draw what I consider healthy boundaries in the workplace. Your way? Well that's up to you. Good Luck!!!
Sometimes the abusers get what's coming to them. Sometimes karma gets it right and you are there to watch it unfold! I've had this sweet revenge a couple times over the years.
I will tell you I won't ever be a victim again because I've learned to be tough and not let anyone walk on me. In the beginning I was so eager to please and get along and wanted everyone to like me. That is no longer the case. I put my time in and go home. I stand up for myself even if it is unpleasant. I'm very careful to keep my personal life to myself and keep work conversation casual.
As for cliques they come and go as there is such constant turnover in nursing and 12 hour shifts are great because you can work a month without seeing someone!
Oldmahubbard, it is indeed possible to be a nurse and never have suffered abuse or bullying in the workplace. I have not, but then I make every effort to get along with my coworkers and to deal with any disagreements as they happen. I'll be entering my 39th year of nursing in April.
Personally I think you are in the minority, but who knows, maybe all the happy, well treated never abused nurses will come out of the woodwork and start a new thread just like so many proclaim they love nursing even with all the negatives that exist today! LOL The reality is the silent majority of nurses are complicit because they don't speak up about abuse and some even join in for kicks!
ALso I don't agree trying to get along with everyone is the solution. When dealing with bullies you need to stand up for yourself and let them know you are not going to play nice and be their victim. I swear to God if I could have had it out with her on the street one on one I could have put an end to harassment much sooner! If only! The work world constraints give the bullies the upper hand. Devious games I've seen played you complain to the manager about the OP today and I'll do the same tomorrow. Overhead two ICU RN's conspiring to get a new grad fired at ACLS complaining that the manager was sympathetic to the new grad and making their plan difficult. A nurse singing a nasty song next to you meant to insult you where she can attack you saying it to your face. Was happy to hear no one went to her retirement party and I was asked to go. Give me a ******* break! Kiss my ass! That is some of the real life crap some ******* pull!
Way to be Brandy!!! Hang tough!!! It sounds like you learned from your experiences. When I said nobody is punishing the bullies I meant in nursing. Karma will get your butt. At the end of the day the internal misery that motivates these bullies follows them around 24/7 so that's some justice in and or itself
OK, so one of my "problems" is my honesty. If you ask why I quit a job (I was never fired), I will tell you the truth. Even my sister recently told me that I need to lie on my applications. I can understand that, but I think it is sad that a person is ostracized by telling the truth. Maybe that is why lateral violence is so prevalent in nursing. We don't want to talk about it and if someone does they are accused of having a pity fest for themselves.
One poster stated that that nurse also yelled at other people, not true, I was the only person she screamed at. Was she rude to other nurses, yes, did she scream at them, no.
As far as I was having a pity fest, I disagree. I received my umpteenth job turn down yesterday and just had it for the day.
Your main problem is failing to play the game. An interview is like a first date where you are putting your best foot forward in this case to impress the employer enough to hire you! The proper answer is it wasn't a good fit. Your brutal honesty is turning off employers they see you as having a chip on your shoulder. It is foolish and self sabotaging. It would be like a woman telling a guy on the first date she wants a baby and wondering why there was never a second date! A bad fit is not a lie, save the whole truth only for close loved ones so you can move on and get a new job!
As to bullies it is similar to child abuse, where one child is the scapegoat and gets most of the abuse. Usually the others are abused as well, but not nearly as much. I actually was abused as a child and was the family scapegoat so already had emotional problems to begin with. The best I understand bullies have a radar for sensitive people that they zoom in to victimize. Standing up to a bully is your best option, usually that will get them to move on to another target. Sad to say that is usually what happens they will simply find someone new to harass!
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
YUP. It's entirely possible. Of course, if you characterize failure to say hello first, wanting to have lunch with an old friend rather than one's orientee, snapping at someone during an extremely tense life or death moment, or not giving the newbie their perfect schedule because someone with seniority got there first as bullying, it's probably not possible to have not suffered "abuse" in the workplace.
YUP. It's entirely possible. Of course, if you characterize failure to say hello first, wanting to have lunch with an old friend rather than one's orientee, snapping at someone during an extremely tense life or death moment, or not giving the newbie their perfect schedule because someone with seniority got there first as bullying, it's probably not possible to have not suffered "abuse" in the workplace.
You are trivializing real life bullying that we all know is rampant in nursing. Neither I or the OP are describing such non issues as bullying. Personally I find the 12 hour shifts help break up the cliques that can contribute to bullying. Count yourself lucky if you haven't experienced this.
As to your silly condescending comments why can't someone say hello to everyone. It is simple courtesy, Hi how are you doing. I was an introvert, but have learned simple pleasantries go along way to team work and an uplifting environment. As to not eating with an orientee, you could have included her with your old friend. As to terse life and death moments you could even apologize that you were stressed. I tend to get short when I'm stressed, but I do apologize and my coworkers understand my imperfections and we get along fine.
There is no changing bullies, but to the rest of the nurses out there please remember to speak up if you see something, don't join in and please don't ignore it. You could be saving a life!
Wuzzie
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