My apologies to the nursing profession

[Jon12]

Hello,

I want to apologize to the entire nursing profession and educators for being rude and unprofessional for the following reasons;

I am sorry that I feel that being sexually propositioned by another nurse was wrong. When he finally accepted that nothing was going to happen, his actions of pointing me out to patients, telling them my name, and stating that I like to wear women's clothing at home were entirely acceptable! How could I think otherwise? I was even told that his actions were appropriate work place behavior by human resources. How could I ever think that was wrong? At the same work place I went to a physician to request a medication. The physician immediately asked me if I was gay, and repeated the question when I did not reply. Again, how dare I think that was unprofessional! The almost identical scenario occurred another time when I was giving a report for a patient going to the cath lab. The nurse taking the report kept interrupting me asking if I was gay. I guess I am just an idiot for thinking that these behaviors were unacceptable.

I went to another place of employment. At this place I worked with a nurse that would scream (and I don't mean a whisper, but a scream) at the awful things I was doing. I didn't know I should not knock on the patient's door before going in! When I did She started screaming that "the patient will turn on the light when she was ready". I am really confused then why the patient asked what took so long after waiting for 20 minutes before knocking on the door again (no other nurse would approach that patient's door). What was I thinking! I don't know what possessed me another time. There was a file in the orders-to-be-done slot. There was a time noted on the first order, but no initials. The second order had scribbles that may have been initials, but no time. The third order had the first two digits written in the time spot that were the same as the first order. I checked with the patient who did not remember being medicated and did noit have an IV. When I could not locate another nurse, I finally asked the psycho nurse about the patient. This resulted in a 20 minute screaming episode where I was told that I owe her an apology for even asking her about it. Wow, I did not know how awful my actions were until that time! Another time that nurse came up behind me, grabbed the file I was writing my notes in, then threw it back down stating that was not the file she was looking for. I totally get it now! I am just a rude person, how dare I do things like that! The company policy was to have a nurse out in triage throughout the day and night. No one was going out at night so I started going out every time I worked (this also served to get away from that very professional nurse that was always showing me the errors of my ways). So now the other nurses get mad at me because suddenly there was a nurse that wanted to sit in triage. Anybody want to guess who that was? The rest of the staff stated that I could not go out to triage anymore (this is where you look up the term mobbing in the nursing literature). After about two weeks who was out in triage, no one. I stated watching the monitor of the waiting room so I would know if a patient walked in. That got me called a "pervert". Wow, the things I have been learning about myself. I apologize for writing the crazy nurse up. When I finally had my meeting with HR, I was informed that I had to "come up with what I did to cause the problem" or there is nothing that could be done. How silly of me to think that those behaviors were unprofessional. I think if I ever work again in nursing, that I will do those same actions because they are so accepted in the nursing profession. At the same meeting with HR I was accused of diagnosing a patient by their blood work. Yes, I admit it! The fact that the blood work had not been drawn has nothing to do with my willingness to diagnose people with it. I guess the next time a patient asks what does hemoglobin tell us in blood work I should just say that is none of your business instead of stating it tells us if you are anemic. I now understand that physicians love to answer every question that a patient has and if I ever work as a nurse again I will go to them with each and every patient's questions!

At the same place, I now understand that notifying the manager of an upcoming required re certification class two months before it was scheduled was just plain silly of me. When that months schedule came out and I was scheduled to work the day of the class I went to the manager and informed her of the issue. She asked when I had notified her. When I said two months ago she stated that I notified her "too early" and that it should have been only a one month notification. She then stated she would take care of the problem. One week later I notified her again because I hadn't heard anything more. I then found out that she had left on vacation for two weeks. How could I ever think that a two month notification was acceptable? How could I think that when my manager stated she will take care of the problem that she wouldn't? I am sorry for my ignorance! I totally deserved working that 12 hour night shift and then going to an eight hour class!

I quit and after about a year and a half I applied to another hospital system. During the interview I related some of the professional behaviors I had been subjected to as a reason for leaving my former employers. That got me labeled as "stressed" by the HR. Listen HR people, if your are going to say something like that at least have the courtesy to do it where the person cannot hear you. Then during the next part of the interview I was informed "I don't think you have the intelligence to past our tests". Really?

I remember telling my Christian college's dean about these issues to be met with "why do you keep bringing that up". Oh, I don't know, why do women keep bring up the subject of sexual harassment? Maybe because all harassment is wrong? This even applies to so-called Christian and other nursing colleges!

Now I quit working to get away from the abuse. I quit the Master's program and then was kicked out of the college when I tried to reinstate. I was told that I had violated the school code (Yes, because I was sexually harassed by a married man makes me the homosexual, how could I think differently?). I don't understand why if I had violated the student code why this was not noted in my formal dismissal letter? I now understand that bringing up lateral nursing violence and sexual harassment is wrong. It is even worse to complain about it!

I have been without work for over three years now. If not for my Mom's health problems that I am taking care of, I would be homeless. I have been turned down for every job I have applied for (over 20 of them now) during these past few years. All I hear is how we need nurses. I apply for an RN position and I am turned down. MSN jobs just turn me down (because of my age, lack of recent employment? who knows) I am sorry that I quit my previous jobs. I should have just accepted the abuse as normal professional nursing behavior, again my apologies for thinking that nursing is professional. It really is more of a wild west show where the victim is the cause of the problems.

Unemployed and will probably never work again in the nursing profession,

Jon

[Sour Lemon]

You do come across as a little unhinged. Not every private conversation, offense, or injustice needs to be screamed out to the world. Choose your battles, as they say. I wish you well.

[JKL33]

We aren't in a position to receive your apology, although I realize you were using that term sarcastically.

It's unfortunate that you've had bad experiences and I wish you healing.

[caliotter3]

You sound as if you could use some decompression. I don't think venting here was enough to get it out of your system. Best wishes.

[Davey Do]

Yeah Jon, it sounds like you're attempting to deal with a lot of psyche pain. If venting, appropriately as you did, on this website helps you to heal by all means, use it.

There are lots of other ways to deal with emotional pain and if you're open for consideration, there are some people here, like the above posters, who can be great virtual supporters.

The very best to you.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Do you feel better now?

[pixierose, BSN, RN]

Well, you very much covered the 'anger' phase of loss (of your jobs, your career path, of where you thought you'd be right now in your life).

Our path to acceptance -- of mistakes in our past and perceived wrongdoings by others, of being misunderstood only to perhaps be villanized - is different for everyone and can create mountains if we let it. Try not to get stuck on this anger; it will eat you alive.

Best wishes with healing.

[Davey Do]

Do you feel better now?

Venting is a good way to deal with stress.

One member, and I wish to God that I could remember her name, posted something that made quiet an impression on me. She said that a therapist recommended the actual writing in a journal is a better way of expressing oneself than typing on a computer keyboard.

Being one who has been keeping journals for way over 40 years, I have to agree with that technique. Journaling in words and images is a great catharsis.

Julia Cameron, in her book The Artist's Way, recommends doing a technique called "Morning Pages". Basically, Ms. Cameron encourages us to, the first thing after we awake, write for 15 minutes, not caring about penmanship, spelling, sentence structure or subject. We are to just express our thoughts in the written word.

I tried Ms. Cameron's technique for a while, found it therapeutic, but tweaked it a bit to my own style. I tend to write neatly in block letters about whatever subject is on my mind but stop and do drawings, usually cartoons about the subject at hand.

I had one heck of a stressful shift last night with multiple admissions, behaviors, areas of medical concern, etc. I handled things well, partially due to great coworkers, but awoke in a foul mood. So, the first thing I did, as I typically do, was to write about the various occurrences and draw a few cartoons. Then I got on the computer to AN.com in good spirits.

I do not enjoy getting on the computer in a bad mood. It's too stimulating for me, for whatever reason. Perhaps getting on AN.com and venting for others is therapeutic, but not for me. I need that time to readjust my attitude so I won't be a PITA on AN.com. I am my own PITA in my journaling, do a few humorous cartoons, and all is right with the world.

Something to consider...

[Abbycat]

There are environments in nursing where staff are permitted to abuse and bully without recrimination. If you complain about it the problem is YOU. I believe there are nurses who may actually develop PTSD after being subjected to prolonged abuse and bullying from their nurse peers. Lateral violence among nurses is very very common. It's ignorant and it sickens me.

[CharleeFoxtrot, BSN, RN]

Sometimes it's difficult to express meaning over the internet. OP, imagine me looking you in the eye with compassion and saying, "Jon, please go seek professional help in sorting through these painful issues. The sooner you do this, the quicker your healing may begin. "

[EGspirit]

Jon, you are the problem in this. Now, I say that to get your attention, of course, but it is also true: You are the problem in this problem that is affecting your life, and it isn't just in nursing that you're going to have this problem. You got to get a handle on it.

You have a kind of hostility about you, and you express it by pointing out your mistreatment. You use the "rules" and "professionalism" as a kind of weapon--because you're no victim here. That nurse that yells, yells at everyone. Sexual harassment is rarely something men can complain about successfully, and the more they do, the odder it looks. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but we are not afforded the same avenue of dealing with it that women are. More to the point, that you bring all this up in actual interviews you are having for other jobs on the one hand looks bizarre, but I don't think it really is all that bizarre. I think you are simply deliberately self-sabotaging.

I think the reason you are self-sabotaging is so that you can legitimately escape the nursing environment. I think you don't get along well in that environment with other people. I think you take things far too personally, and you do that because you are probably more of a loner type. I think you generate the situations that you then get criticized for. Knocking on the patient's door, diagnosing the patient as having anemia, etc. Far from this trouble just happening to you, I think you create it for yourself.

The question is: Why?

Well, I'm no psychoanalyst, but I do find it interesting that you bring up your mother that you have to care for or you would be homeless. Personally, I don't have a good relationship with my mother; I don't know if it's the same for you or not. But if I had to care for her or be homeless, it would set up a kind of self-loathing that would really affect me and my outlook on other people and life itself. But that's me.

I suggest you take some long walks and start to be very honest with yourself about what you want in life, and what you are willing to tolerate to get it, and what you are willing to do to get there. Forget about nursing; forget about anything you think you are supposed to do, and just re-think everything and start anew.

I hope that's possible for you.

Take care, my friend.

[Davey Do]

Illuminating revelations are the subsequent result of self-motivated endeavors to deal with psyche pain.

Rarely, and I do mean rarely, when one is in the emotional throes of pain will confrontation result in illuminating revelations by a non-entity. If an individual in emotional pain needs to stop and take stock, and in order for the the confrontation to be therapeutic, it needs to take place face to face, be up front, personal, and empathetic. There must be eye contact and a willingness to pick up the pieces if the confrontation causes the receiver to implode or outwardly fall to pieces.

Words on a computer screen are just things to brush off like some annoying mosquito.