Last semester - I don't want to be a nurse?

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 30, 2016

I went to college to be a journalist, or perhaps a biology teacher. I went to college because I watched both of my parents trapped in low-income, dead end jobs because they had no education beyond a high school diploma, and I didn't want that for myself. After my fourth semester, I ran out of money and despite having three part time jobs and working as much as I could, I couldn't pay for my next semester's tuition. As I was moving out of my dorm room into a shared apartment, I got a piece of mail that changed my life. Based on my good grades, I could go to school and have my tuition paid -- as long as I studied nursing.

I had no intention of actually BEING a nurse. I figured that with a college degree, I would have more opportunities than my parents, even if that degree were in a field I had no interest in pursuing. A funny thing happened in Physiology class -- I was fascinated! All through school, I loved the classes, passed the exams and hated the clinical a with a passion. Then I graduated, and because I had foolishly married young, I had a husband to support. I was qualified for a nursing job, I had several offers, and they paid much more than anything else I could find. I took the nursing job.

I hated nursing. I was a feminist, and I thought nursing was the anti-feminist job from hell. I hated touching patients and bodily fluids and all of that. My first year was a hell of my own making, but a hell nonetheless. And then a funny thing happened. I found myself becoming competent despite my fears, misgivings and insecurities. And as I became competent, I hated my job a little less. And a little less.

I still was sure I didn't want to be a nurse, so when my husband finished school (and then I divorced him) I started a graduate program in business. I was sure I was going to be a stock broker or an accountant. I loved my business classes, did well in them and made lots of contacts. Meanwhile, I worked every weekend in the CCU. A funny thing happened when I graduated with my MBA. I figured out that I really didn't want to leave CCU. Somehow, while I was busy hating being a nurse, I started loving my job.

Next year it will be forty years, most of it in ICU or CCU and all of it (except a brief sojourn into Monday through Friday 9-5 which I detested) at the bedside. Since that day when I was about to finish my MBA and start looking for jobs when I realized that I really didn't want to leave CCU, I have been happy with my career. It's been interesting, challenging at times, the hours have been flexible and the pay has supported a nice, middle class lifestyle. I have good benefits, work indoors and can honestly say that I make a difference in people's lives. I've got some really great friends, most of whom are nurses, and I met my dear husband at work. Looking back, the only regret I have is that I wasted my first few years with the conviction that I HATED nursing. (Well that, and the time I got angry and quit my job, sold my house and moved 3000 miles with no job or home on the horizon.).

You are so close to graduation. Buckle down and study. Graduate, take your boards and take the most interesting job you find. In a year, if you still want to do something else (and you know what that something else is) you'll at least have an income and can make a solid plan. And who knows -- maybe you'll end up liking your job, or if not that job, have an idea of an area of nursing you would like better. I will keep hoping for you that it turns out as well for you as it did for me.

Ellie.D · Aug 31, 2016

I agree with Ruby Vee. Regardless of what many say, you don't have to do bedside to be a nurse. You can work in a doctors office, in insurance, in a school....none if those necessarily deal with all the stuff in hospitals. First finish your degree. Then take a little time to explore options. Then try a few....you never know.

la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN · Aug 31, 2016

I just graduated and passed my boards...like 5 minutes ago. I definitely feel where you are coming from. I loved nursing school right off the bat. I lived and breathed everything nursing and I was fascinated by all that I could learn and all the possibilities and the flexibility and, oh just maybe this horrendous sacrifice will be worth it! Then, the last quarter came and I thought I wasn't going to survive. I asked myself, "Do I even really want to do this???? Do I really even want to be a nurse anymore?" I had cold feet in a big way. I had my supposed dream job secured and the horizon of freedom from academia was just within reach. There were things I graduated with that I was still squirmy about when I was in my final quarter (still haven't done a Foley, probably never will on an adult).

Everyday I went to school feeling completely deflated, angry at the process of nursing school, knowing way too much about things students shouldn't have to know, feeling like I got taken advantage of by administration/faculty during my turn as a faculty liaison, disgusted with how entitled the students behind me began acting. Just. Done. With. EVERYTHING. I was thinking, it can't be much better working. What have I done? Why am I doing this? Am I crazy??? But, as I would go to work as a nursing assistant, I would look around and be reminded of why I chose to pursue nursing in the first place (aside from getting my life on track and actually having a direction with tangible goals to pursue) and realize that, like Ruby Vee mentioned, a lot of it is so much fear of not knowing.

I start my RN residency on the 6th and I am enjoying my last few moments of true freedom (days off which I had not had for the last 3 years, especially when I worked 5 days a week) and I am still wondering *** it is I have gotten myself into. Why have I chosen to work with pediatric patients with cancer? What the hell did I think was going to be so awesome about it? It seems like they all die terrible horrible deaths! *** have I done (the floor I work on has had a terrible string of deaths in the past several weeks and everyone, even the veterans are just dumbfounded at the grief)??? But, ultimately, I am learning to keep my sights set on gaining experience and wondering where this adventure is going to take me next. I am scared. But, I know I am scared because I have truly only just begun to learn. As I become competent in what I do, I know my love for it will become renewed and I am looking forward to that moment. Until then, we just all have to make it through.

You will make it through. You will find the strength. For now, you're bottoming out and that is normal. The real growth is just starting.

LunarSkyRN · Sep 3, 2016

Like those posting before me, I too bottomed out my last semester. I've wanted a career in the medical field since I was in middle school, and, after life's many twists and turns, I finally had the chance to go to Nursing School in my 30s. I lived and breathed nursing from the first semester, and then 5th semester hit. I was done, over it all. Classes were frustratingly pointless, clinical days were boring and lacked learning experiences, and my preceptorship was a big let down. I contemplated just quitting on more times than I can count.

I finished my program and take the NCLEX this month. My excitement and desire to be a nurse is back full on.

Take some time and really think about what made you start the program to begin with, and explore your options once you're licensed. If after introspection you know you don't want to be a nurse, simply don't. But make sure of your decision before doing anything permanent that could set you back on your path.

nursingstudent820 · Sep 3, 2016

I seriously want to thank you all so much for taking the time to reply! I was so confused after those two days of clinical - I almost passed out in an isolation room from being so hot, and made myself so sick from the stress - but in reality I was just scared of the unknown. It's all so new, I've/my family has never been sick so I've barely been in a hospital and I am surrounded by classmates who LOVE this type of bedside nursing so I felt like something had to be wrong because I didn't like it. I talked finally bout my feelings out loud and realized from the conversations & feedback that I can go anywhere.. into any category of nursing I just have to pass this clinical & class. Which I can do. I feel even more motivated and can't wait to finish these 13 weeks.

Thank you all

busybeeSN · Sep 4, 2016

Get it done and work in an area that you're comfortable in. You got this. Have you considered graduate school? Go get your MBA and move into management in a few years. Whatever you do, don't quit in the home stretch, what a waste of time that would be. Buckle up and work through that last little bit, take it week by week and sooner than you know it you'll be done.

Step424real · Sep 7, 2016

To be honest, this is my first semester in nursing school. I wish i was in your shoes already almost finished. I would just finish and find something with your degree that is not as much hands on. Good luck to whatever you decide.

jj224 · Sep 18, 2016

Finish and go into sales. Device reps make great money

caliotter3 · Sep 18, 2016

You are so close to the end of school. Get that nursing degree. Obtain your nursing license. If you don't want to work as a nurse, put the license into an inactive status and always keep it that way. Then, should the future bring a necessary return to nursing, the license will always be there to fall back on. In the meantime, you can state truthfully in job interviews that you set a goal to finish nursing school and succeeded. Good luck.