I don't know what I am going to do!! I would like to vent here if I could, so here it goes. I been on this site many times describing to you the awful time that I have been having with my 12 year old son. I have five children and a single mom. I know when I posted the last time I got a lot of comments on why I made the choice to have so many children. I wasn't offended, but I did make the decision when I was married to have a big family. Well, to make a long story short my 12 year old was arrested for pulling a knife out on his brother. I called 911!! I live in affordable housing, which is a federally ran program. Since I live in a affordable housing the property manager told me that the community, in which I live, has zero tolerance for violent crime. I had completed a renewal form for this housing project and one of the questions on the form was if anyone in the home was ever arrested under the age of 18. Well, I am a honest person and I am signing a legal document I had to put yes. My son is also on house arrest, which make even more diffcult, so since i am living in a federally ran program the property manager told me that I could be served a 3 day notice. I will find out today the results. I can't sleep!! I called his probation officer to let him know that he has been defiant with me and he still continues to give his school problems(thank goodness it's spring break now). I also told him I could lose my housing. The probation people had said that everything is he does is my fault. I know I will be getting a lot of feedback about this, but I have not created this behavior for him. I have an 11 year old who is doing great and a 17 year old who is also respectable. I just don't know what happen to this one. I know every child is different, but this one was woven from a completely different cloth. I also just started Nursing School. I got a 5,000 dollar scholarship to attend. I am extremely proud of myself, but right now I am sick to my stomach of what is happening. I found out today if I get served a 3 day notice. My other children don't deserve this. I paid the remainder of my tuition, book and supplies, so I really have not save any money in case this happen. I don't know what to do!! I just want to tell everyone thank you for your feedback. I am so nervous. I don't want to be homeless. I worked so hard to get where I am at. I can't sleep this has been a nightmare.
I am so sorry for all these issues that are happening to you. Have you looked into some type of outreach program for your son? Big Brother might be a possibility. It sounds like your ex is a real peach like mine. It is important for boys to have a good male role model and it sounds like dad is not fitting the bill. Maybe do a search for subsudized or scholarship counseling programs. I would be looking at any way to get your son help now while he is young. In the meantime I would be gathering evidence to prove that you are in school and are trying to better your life and the lives of your children. Maybe show this to whoever is trying to evict you. Also if you can find help for your son, show proof that you are trying to get him help.
Put that kid into military school. It'll straighten him out and you won't have to worry about it any longer.
You may have to take a loan out - but your families safety is priceless. I would discuss this with the probation officer to see if there is any federal aid for programs like that, and I would talk to the superintendent or whoever runs your housing about how getting your son into military school would affect your chances of being kicked out of the housing unit still.
If you know any male role model figures in the housing area, have them slap some sense into your kid.
Military schools are very expensive - an option to consider would be a residential treatment facility. These combine a therapeutic environment with a lot of structure, away from the family, usually for a year or two. Has he ever been hospitalized for his behaviors? Have you ever tried family-based therapy? Those are first steps, but if other avenues have failed, you could try RTF.
(I work for three RTFs, so if you have any questions, feel free to PM me)
I just want to say that it is not your fault. I have 4 children and I know they all can be different in their own way. Your 12 yr old did not need to be arrested though, he needs help in the form of counseling. You must of really thought that he may use the knife if you called the police. He has issues that you are probably not even aware of. Please have him talk to someone to get the help that he needs ASAP. He is crying out for help.
Once you start nursing school you are going to be less available for your children because of all the demands of nursing school. If I didn't have my husband doing what he does for our children there is just no way I could of made it through school. (I graduate in May). Please get a good support system in place and also confront your 12 year old separately and ask him what it is that he needs from you. Set the house rules and lay out the consequences. He might also benefit to visiting a jail or talking to someone who has made the wrong choices to avoid making those choices himself. You also could lay out how your life will change for the better for the family once you become a nurse and what role of responsibilities he has like doing his homework and looking out for his siblings. Set a goal for the families future like a better house or trip to disney world. That is what my kids wanted so they know they are going to Disney once I graduate so they let me study. Good Luck.
You should have your son get evaluated. He could have a medical issue that is causing this behavior.
My single mother went through hell and back raising my twin brother and me. She called the cops on him many times for his violent behavior. She got him an evaluation and he was diagnosed with adhd,depression, and being socially disturbed. If your son indeed does have a medical issue than housing by law cant evict your family. That would be discrimination! Btw my mother completed nursing school as a single mother while raising a child with many mental health issues. You can do this!
Two words--BOOT CAMP. You are not equipped to deal with a kid like this. You have too much history together; he knows what buttons to push. Find him a place where his behavior won't fly, where he has no choice but to follow the rules, where his poor choices won't hurt anyone but him. Find him a program. If your income is low enough, it shouldn't cost you a thing. You have a responsibility to protect your other children and yourself from this kid. How do I know this? I used to BE that kid.
i do agree about trying some 'tough love'.
i too, used to be that kid.
and, i've had my own struggles w/one of my kids.
she went to 5-6 different psych hospitals in one year, and also residential programs.
she was dx'd w/bipolar (which i vehemently disagreed with, but know she still has some sort of disorder), and would end up either pocketing meds in her mouth or outright refusing to take them.
sorry for getting distracted.
my point being, my now 20 yo dtr, thanks us profusely, for being so hard on her.
and, i do wish someone had kicked me in the pants when i was out of control.
tough love.
call the licsw from your main source of public assistance.
Specializes in Trauma, ER, ICU, CCU, PACU, GI, Cardiology, OR.
Unquestionably, do not blame yourself for what is happening, it's a difficult and stressful situation but I know you're a survivor and this to shall pass. My Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family... let us know the outcome :)
I agree, you should not blame yourself. It is interesting how different children from the same set of circumstances can respond so differently. I do agree with the person who mentioned lack of a good male role model being a contributing factor here. It sure does sound like Dad has dropped the ball. I agree with getting some outside help in the form of mentoring, or even some type of boot camp program.
Best of luck to you. I hope you do not get evicted.
Thank you all for the replies. I have not heard yet from the housing department. I want to tell all of you that I get so much support from this website. I don't really have any friends where I live. I really appreciate the love of support from this site. I will keep everyone upto-date on what will happen. Again, thank you all nurses and to all the loving member of this website thank you.
My first thought was to use the 17 yo as a mentor. I don't know if they are the same gender, but their ages are far enough apart--but also close enough together--where maybe the 17 yo would have some influence? You know them and their relationship enough to decide whether that's a less drastic route that might work.
you know, this may sound draconian, and i'm sure that a lot of people are going to "boo hiss" me for this, but consider this; if you have a malignant tumor within you, you would not hesitate to cut it out lest it destroys the rest of your body. like you already stated, the rest of your children are perfectly innocent and do not deserve to be thrown out into the street because of this social cancer in their family.
forget the therapy and counseling for now; that approach is going to take years, and may or may not even work. what you need right now is to establish a safe and secure environ for both you and the rest of your children today. yes, somewhere down the line, your idiot son may grow up and realize the harm that he is giving the rest of the family and have some degree of remorse. but today isn't that day. right now, he is the biggest threat to you and your family's safety and stability.
anyone pulling a knife and threatening the life of their own sibling is beyond therapy at the moment. like a psychotic patient in an acute stage, we lock them away from society first in order to protect others, and then we slowly go about the time consuming process of talking to them. thus, i would have him arrested and placed into a home, foster care, adoption, whatever. but you need to remove him from your home setting in order to protect the lives of your other children. tough love is just that... tough. he'll need to grow the heck up, and very fast. or else he'll be excised and discarded like the dangerous cancer that he has become.
good luck, both with your situation and your future schooling.
We should not judge someone until we have walked a mile in their shoes. Obviously you are a good mom because you have other children that turned out well. You can't control everything. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Hope all gets better.
Hello Community,
ky_grl82
169 Posts
I am so sorry for all these issues that are happening to you. Have you looked into some type of outreach program for your son? Big Brother might be a possibility. It sounds like your ex is a real peach like mine. It is important for boys to have a good male role model and it sounds like dad is not fitting the bill. Maybe do a search for subsudized or scholarship counseling programs. I would be looking at any way to get your son help now while he is young. In the meantime I would be gathering evidence to prove that you are in school and are trying to better your life and the lives of your children. Maybe show this to whoever is trying to evict you. Also if you can find help for your son, show proof that you are trying to get him help.