Just Lost! Advice please!

Been there,done that, ASN, RN · Mar 10, 2016

New grads do not have the required experience to do agency work. There is a REASON the agency is offering triple.It's because it's difficult to retain regular staff, and even agency nurses.

The community hospital is not paying buttons. They are paying a starting wage with benefits, and offering an orientation. This is a much more stable environment for newbies.

Ask prince charming if he would like you to jeopardize your license for a few more bucks. :rolleyes:

priyaremi · Mar 10, 2016

New grads do not have the required experience to do agency work. There is a REASON the agency is offering triple.It's because it's difficult to retain regular staff, and even agency nurses.
The community hospital is not paying buttons. They are paying a starting wage with benefits, and offering an orientation. This is a much more stable environment for newbies.
Ask prince charming if he would like you to jeopardize your license for a few more bucks.

Thanks and you are 100% right!. I did tell prince charming that I could lose my license but he told me not to be so dramatic. He maintains that if I do night shift in the hospital that it will be much easier!. He said that it would probably be much like working as a care assistant. He just doesn't understand the accountability that we as nurses carry. He just thinks I'm being lazy.

Thanks for making me see that the job next week will indeed be stable as it is permanent and pensionable. I will also be a staff nurse who will be trained and oriented by the hospital!.

Horseshoe, BSN, RN · Mar 11, 2016

Your husband may well have very legitimate complaints. That's not the issue. The issue is that "screaming" at you and telling you that you are "lazy and good for nothing" is NOT OKAY. The fact that he has done this or that or the other is not a justification for being verbally abusive to you.

You two need major counseling. You, for your admitted issues, and your husband for how he handles stress and conflicts.

I would NEVER tolerate that kind of abuse from someone who is supposed to be my best friend, my lover, my strongest advocate. That is not the same thing as denying that he may have legitimate problems with your work history or the delegation of responsibilities within the marriage. But name calling, screaming, and abusive behavior is not acceptable. What is he, 12?

Kooky Korky, BSN, RN · Mar 11, 2016

OP, I think you have made a very wise decision by going with the steady job.

I hope you and your husband can perhaps pray together and talk calmly.

Let him know how much you appreciate his helping you get through school. That was not an easy time for any of you - husband, children, or you.

Don't expect a non-nurse to understand how scary a nurse's responsibilities can be. Just do what you now know is best. I fully agree with everyone here who has said that there is a reason that an employer would offer triple pay - and the reason is not that the facility is great!

Get a good orientation.

Best wishes in all areas of life.

Libby1987 · Mar 11, 2016

For more than the usual reasons, it's going to be essential for you to make sound if not exciting choices right now and learn your trade. It will be probably be very hard at first and tough on your self confidence and esteem but the only way develop confidence and competence is through perseverance.

And unless you're in a dangerous situation, there's not much in the civilized world that commands more respect than a determined unstoppable woman.

priyaremi · Mar 11, 2016

Horseshoe, kooky korky and Libby, thank you for your replies and advice.

I am not sure if a lot of my issues with hubby are cultural but some definitely are. I am Irish and he is Nigerian. In the 16 years we have been together, he has ignored me in favor of his mobile phone, blanked me for days until I beg for communication and in the early days hit me until I wouldn't tolerate.

If I went to leave, he would say ok but I'm not taking my kids. We built a house as we were both working hard. That said, I have 2 degrees now as he gave me the push and encouragement I needed. He is a fantastic dad and everyone including my family love the kind and hard working man he is. He will do anything for anyone outside!!

I have social phobia, anxiety and depression. However, people say they never believe it as I loved caring for patients and laugh a lot outside. Counselling is something I've begged for us to have but he said its my fault and my problem and he will never consider it. I love him but so tired of being ignored and made to feel so stupid.

I'm so sorry for being one of those women that would tolerate this. When I was young, I was strong and very single and broad minded. What happened to me!!

I have 4 kids and seem incapable of the simplest decisions. I hate the person I've become. Weak, flaky and an idiot!!!

jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B · Mar 11, 2016

You could start with the agency, and still interview for the community hospital position. Then you would have agency for extra.

I am not sure how a new nurse can be just sort of thrown onto a unit, with veteran nurses or not, and be able to take on a large number of patients. However, you could start and see where it takes you.

Meanwhile, keep interviewing for a permanent position.

I will not get into your husband's behaviors, as I don't walk a mile in your shoes, nor even a single step, however, I feel for your position, and hope it all works out for you.

priyaremi · Mar 11, 2016

Thanks jadeLPNI have declined the agency because if not for any other reason, I do not want to compromise another human beings safety or indeed that license that I made so many sacrifices for not least of which was my being more or less absent in my kids lives for 3 years.No matter what happens now, I want to ensure that I will have a good reputation as a nurse and I will always have a way to support my children.

macawake, MSN · Mar 11, 2016

In the 16 years we have been together, he has ignored me in favor of his mobile phone, blanked me for days until I beg for communication and in the early days hit me until I wouldn't tolerate.

If I went to leave, he would say ok but I'm not taking my kids.

My dilemma is that my husband started screaming at me saying I'm lazy as I'm too scared to do agency...

He told me this afternoon that I'm lazy and good for nothing.

(my bold)

OP, you are describing a man who has been physically abusive, is currently being verbally and emotionally abusive and has somehow made it clear to you that if you leave him the price you'll pay will be your children. (In Nigeria he could probably make good on his threat regarding the children but since you're in Ireland and I assume that your children are born there? I doubt that he gets to unilaterally decide this).

I suffer from bad depression.

I have social phobia, anxiety and depression.

Counselling is something I've begged for us to have but he said its my fault and my problem and he will never consider it.

Problems in a relationship are rarely the fault of only one of the involved parties. In your case it clearly isn't as his behavior as you've described it very likely has a direct bearing on your emotional status/well-being.

Are you getting medical/counselling help for yourself? Even if he doesn't see the need I think that it would be beneficial for you. The conditions you mentioned are treatable but you don't simply "get over" depression on your own.

I love him but so tired of being ignored and made to feel so stupid.

I'm so sorry for being one of those women that would tolerate this. When I was young, I was strong and very single and broad minded. What happened to me!!

I hate the person I've become. Weak, flaky and an idiot!!!

You are not an idiot. You are not weak. You ask what's happened to you. I think that you've internalized what he's been saying to you about you. He's wrong. He. is. wrong. Believe me.

He is a fantastic dad and everyone including my family love the kind and hard working man he is.

Does your family know that he used to hit you (has he stopped?) and that he now screams at you and tells you that you "are good for nothing"? That's a terrible thing to say to anyone and unconscionable to say to someone you claim to love. Do your children ever witness him saying these things about their mother?

Do you have a good support system in place? Can you freely speak to your family and friends about the issues in your marriage or are you covering up his behavior?

Your husband contributed when you went to school by working nights and taking care of four children which was probably stressful, just as being away from them and studying hard was stressful for you. But the fact that he did his part during this period of time doesn't give him a right to behave the way he is. His behavior is in my opinion unacceptable.

About the agency work. I'd be very wary to accept that position as a new grad. Just as many others have suggested I think accepting the hospital position (even at a much lower pay rate) is the safer way to launch a nursing career. Get a couple of years experience and then you might consider the better paying agency job and feel (and be) more confident in your nursing abilities.

I hesitate to give you too much advice on you personal life/marriage but one thing I will say is this: Keep you login information/password here on AllNurses to yourself.

Stay safe OP.

(((Hugs))) and good luck!

priyaremi · Mar 11, 2016

(my bold)
OP, you are describing a man who has been physically abusive, is currently being verbally and emotionally abusive and has somehow made it clear to you that if you leave him the price you'll pay will be your children. (In Nigeria he could probably make good on his threat regarding the children but since you're in Ireland and I assume that your children are born there? I doubt that he gets to unilaterally decide this).
Problems in a relationship are rarely the fault of only one of the involved parties. In your case it clearly isn't as his behavior as you've described it very likely has a direct bearing on your emotional status/well-being.
Are you getting medical/counselling help for yourself? Even if he doesn't see the need I think that it would be beneficial for you. The conditions you mentioned are treatable but you don't simply "get over" depression on your own.
You are not an idiot. You are not weak. You ask what's happened to you. I think that you've internalized what he's been saying to you about you. He's wrong. He. is. wrong. Believe me.
Does your family know that he used to hit you (has he stopped?) and that he now screams at you and tells you that you "are good for nothing"? That's a terrible thing to say to anyone and unconscionable to say to someone you claim to love. Do your children ever witness him saying these things about their mother?
Do you have a good support system in place? Can you freely speak to your family and friends about the issues in your marriage or are you covering up his behavior?
Your husband contributed when you went to school by working nights and taking care of four children which was probably stressful, just as being away from them and studying hard was stressful for you. But the fact that he did his part during this period of time doesn't give him a right to behave the way he is. His behavior is in my opinion unacceptable.
About the agency work. I'd be very wary to accept that position as a new grad. Just as many others have suggested I think accepting the hospital position (even at a much lower pay rate) is the safer way to launch a nursing career. Get a couple of years experience and then you might consider the better paying agency job and feel (and be) more confident in your nursing abilities.
I hesitate to give you too much advice on you personal life/marriage but one thing I will say is this: Keep you login information/password here on AllNurses to yourself.
Stay safe OP.
(((Hugs))) and good luck!

Thank you Macawake for your reply. The man is the 'head of the house' in Nigeria which is why my hubby can be domineering. He never slaps /hits me now but turns up the volume on the tv or radio if he doesn't want to hear me!.

I have no family to talk to and no friends since I travelled away for three years and lost contact. I often think that there is nothing I can really do until the kids are grown as we have the house and their school. Kids have unfortunately witnessed their dad either shouting or ignoring me for years. His brother and stepmother lived with us when I was pregnant for a year and I had no choice at all. It nearly drove me over the edge.

He now says that its none of my business what he is earning in his part time job and that we'll sort money out if and when I get a job!. I have 20cent to my name until next Thursday. He has done the grocery shop.

Anyway, I'm sorry to be boring people as everyone has something in life to cope with but regarding a job in nursing, I am doing what is right for me and starting as advised here at the beginning of a new page!. I feel so guilty saying such negative things about hubby as he is a great dad and seems to problem solve everything and has a great work ethic. Unfortunately his communication and husband skills to me are last on the list of his priorities. His kids, extended polygamous family and Nigerian friends, work, cell phone will always come before my feelings and that's how it is. I will embark on making a life for myself through my nursing and caring for others now. Xxx

irishicugal · Mar 11, 2016

Hi priyaremi!!! Remember me? I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You're so right to decline that agency, apart from anything I think it's illegal and if NOC found out about the amount they're paying there'd be ructions lol. And deffo don't do nights yet, your ratio would go up to 1:12 or 1:14 - scary stuff as a newbie. You know the HSE are recruiting right now as part of a national campaign? Think the closing date is later today, if you got into Acute care that way you would get your experience and also your training and orientation etc (think it's two weeks supernumerary, then preceptor for 3 months) I'm so sorry the dialysis job didn't work out for you, but I remember you had reservations about it in the first place?

Working in the one location will allow you to build on your skills, gain confidence and hopefully make some friends. Agency is great for getting a very wide range of experience but you need to have a little experience to start with, especially as you didn't even train in ireland did you? I can't think of anything more terrifying for you, no wonder you're sceptical! Apply for hospital work with HSE ASAP, take the community job if offered (you actually get an extra 2.5k a year as its a specialty [emoji1]) while you're waiting to be interviewed/processed (it takes MONTHS) and then after you've done a wee while in Acute care, if you need to bump up your salary for any reason, you will have the confidence to do the odd Sunday for mega bucks with the dodgy agency lol.

As for hubby, much as it sounds that he's being a bit of a d**k, I totally see where he's coming from. As a non nurse he's like, you trained as a nurse now go do it! He doesn't understand licensing, training, or the extremely wide area in which you can work, it's all a bit black and white to him. He's been waiting for what feels like forever for you to finish training and start working and then when you finally got sorted, you quit after a few days. However, NOBODY deserves to be shouted at.

As someone who also has major depression, I'm here to tell you that it will get better. You can work and you will gain confidence, you just have to take the plunge! Best of luck to you [emoji256][emoji256][emoji256]

priyaremi · Mar 11, 2016

Hi priyaremi!!! Remember me? I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You're so right to decline that agency, apart from anything I think it's illegal and if NOC found out about the amount they're paying there'd be ructions lol. And deffo don't do nights yet, your ratio would go up to 1:12 or 1:14 - scary stuff as a newbie. You know the HSE are recruiting right now as part of a national campaign? Think the closing date is later today, if you got into Acute care that way you would get your experience and also your training and orientation etc (think it's two weeks supernumerary, then preceptor for 3 months) I'm so sorry the dialysis job didn't work out for you, but I remember you had reservations about it in the first place?
Working in the one location will allow you to build on your skills, gain confidence and hopefully make some friends. Agency is great for getting a very wide range of experience but you need to have a little experience to start with, especially as you didn't even train in ireland did you? I can't think of anything more terrifying for you, no wonder you're sceptical! Apply for hospital work with HSE ASAP, take the community job if offered (you actually get an extra 2.5k a year as its a specialty [emoji1]) while you're waiting to be interviewed/processed (it takes MONTHS) and then after you've done a wee while in Acute care, if you need to bump up your salary for any reason, you will have the confidence to do the odd Sunday for mega bucks with the dodgy agency lol.
As for hubby, much as it sounds that he's being a bit of a d**k, I totally see where he's coming from. As a non nurse he's like, you trained as a nurse now go do it! He doesn't understand licensing, training, or the extremely wide area in which you can work, it's all a bit black and white to him. He's been waiting for what feels like forever for you to finish training and start working and then when you finally got sorted, you quit after a few days. However, NOBODY deserves to be shouted at.
As someone who also has major depression, I'm here to tell you that it will get better. You can work and you will gain confidence, you just have to take the plunge! Best of luck to you [emoji256][emoji256][emoji256]

You are so good nurserebs and thanks a million for your advice. It was a hse hospital that I declined in the first place

And that is the hospital which this agency is paying big bucks for!. It's got such a horrific reputation as I'm sure you know wwith some of the hse hospitals. However, the smaller hospital that I have the interview with next week is also hse so I'm praying that I get it.

You have good insight regarding the husband as he is sick of me being nervous to start with all my dithering. He is being a d... Though but we have waded through a mire of culture differences over the last 16 years. Him aside, I will do what's right now and start focusing on my career.

Who is Noc?. The agency can't be legitimate. He thought it was funny over the phone telling me not to wear stiletto heels for my first shift!. He was the agency who also took my photo off Facebook to do an id badge for ne. He physically searched my photos on fb to do the badge. The money was tempting but no way enough to risk my registration !. Thanks again nurserebs . I appreciate it xx