I have posted on various occasions on this forum and have had some fantastic advice but would be very grateful if someone could point me in the right direction AGAIN 😊!.
I am a new graduate RN and recently started dialysis at a clinic and HATED it. I left after three days as I knew that they would waste time and money and it just was not for me!
I have an interview next week for a community hospital with a predominantly older people population. However the dodgy staffing agency that contacted me in the past have made contact with me again and tried to persuade me to work on med surg unit this weekend. They are offering triple the money of the hospitals and all other practice areas! Triple! I am so scared to go with the agency as I have no experience and actually turned down an offer already with that hospital due to non existent staff patient ratio! .
My dilemma is that my husband started screaming at me saying I'm lazy as I'm too scared to do agency but he said that I have to start somewhere and why start on a similar unit earning buttons when I will be paid so much more with agency.
The staffer said he has 6 new graduates working perfectly in that hospital and if they can do it, then why can't I?. I feel out of my depth and it would not be safe. He said I will work side by side with veteran nurses and just to try it!. I feel so bullied by him and hubby. I have 4 children and a mortgage to pay and my husband is so sick of all my toing and froing.
However, I feel that the community hospital if I get it is far safer even if I do start on a very low salary. I will get experience. Thanks so much if you've read my story. Please please advise me and thanks in advance!
If your husband won't go to counseling (I suspect he knows a strong therapist will call him out on his behavior and he doesn't want to lose control or lose your "respect" for his position as head of the house to be obeyed) GO WITHOUT HIM. I cannot stress this enough. You can still benefit immensely from counseling on your own.
I want you to think about this: you may think you are doing your kids a favor by staying with this man until they are grown, but what you are actually doing is harming them, possibly irreparably, by modeling that it's normal and okay for a woman to be abused by her husband. Daughters will think this is normal and go on to be abused themselves, and sons will come to believe this is how they should behave with their future partners. Is this what you want for your children?
If your husband won't go to counseling (I suspect he knows a strong therapist will call him out on his behavior and he doesn't want to lose control or lose your "respect" for his position as head of the house to be obeyed) GO WITHOUT HIM. I cannot stress this enough. You can still benefit immensely from counseling on your own.
I want you to think about this: you may think you are doing your kids a favor by staying with this man until they are grown, but what you are actually doing is harming them, possibly irreparably, by modeling that it's normal and okay for a woman to be abused by her husband. Daughters will think this is normal and go on to be abused themselves, and sons will come to believe this is how they should behave with their future partners. Is this what you want for your children?
Thanks Horseshoe, I understand that this is not a good things for the children to witness. I cannot tell you the amount of time I packed to leave!. I was told by a counselling service over the phone, that I could go to a refuge but would have to get a solicitor to file a report saying that I did not abandon my property. The thoughts of having the kids at a refuge is just not easy. So many times over the years, I wanted to go. My Husband told me to go if I wanted but I could not 'kidnap' the children. If I left without the kids, it would be deemed that I abandoned them.
As far as counselling, I have neither the finances nor access to that kind of service where I live. I guess, I have just been getting on with it and trying to get through each day. I do love him but I am starting to feel that peace of mind would be a better option for me than sticking this out day after day and year after year!!!
I am just stuck in a rut but I will start my job and maybe if I don't have too much time around him, it will get better?!
If you're married to a man that screams at you its time to also consider ending your marriage. Life is too short to live with someone like that, they will destroy you mentally. No wonder you have self doubt and trouble with confidence and decision making. Your problems go far beyond which job to take.
If you're married to a man that screams at you its time to also consider ending your marriage. Life is too short to live with someone like that, they will destroy you mentally. No wonder you have self doubt and trouble with confidence and decision making. Your problems go far beyond which job to take.
It is probably part of it as he is not the type to compliment. He gave out to me yesterday also for cooking mashed potatoes two days in a row. I know it sounds silly, but I have to grow a pair. I do realise that. He has knocked my confidence for years and I am just used to it at this stage.
I encourage you to go to a battered woman's shelter and make contact with the people there. They could perhaps refer you to resources you don't even know are there. I'm not saying to leave today, just to make contact. You would need to have a solid plan in place in order to leave an abuser, but taking that first step could be a life changer for you.
Please realize that there are men out there who treat their wives/partners with love, respect, friendship. The way your husband treats you is NOT NORMAL.
The other day, I was planning to drive five hours to see my daughter in college. My husband told me he had woken up early, worrying about me driving five hours in the rain (forecast for days and days this week). He remembered that the last time I had my car serviced, they said that at the next service appointment, I would probably need at least two tires. He got to the tire place right as they opened. Yes, I needed 4 new tires! That store didn't have four tires, so he drove 30 minutes away to find a store that had my tires. Several hours later, I had new tires to get me safely to my destination.
These are the actions of someone who loves and treasures his wife. You are deserving of that, too. You'd be better off with no man in your life than one who makes you feel like crap about yourself and your life.
I encourage you to go to a battered woman's shelter and make contact with the people there. They could perhaps refer you to resources you don't even know are there. I'm not saying to leave today, just to make contact. You would need to have a solid plan in place in order to leave an abuser, but taking that first step could be a life changer for you.
Please realize that there are men out there who treat their wives/partners with love, respect, friendship. The way your husband treats you is NOT NORMAL.
The other day, I was planning to drive five hours to see my daughter in college. My husband told me he had woken up early, worrying about me driving five hours in the rain (forecast for days and days this week). He remembered that the last time I had my car serviced, they said that at the next service appointment, I would probably need at least two tires. He got to the tire place right as they opened. Yes, I needed 4 new tires! That store didn't have four tires, so he drove 30 minutes away to find a store that had my tires. Several hours later, I had new tires to get me safely to my destination.
These are the actions of someone who loves and treasures his wife. You are deserving of that, too. You'd be better off with no man in your life than one who makes you feel like crap about yourself and your life.
Thanks Horseshoe,
My husband does do things like breakfast in bed with the kids on Mothers day or going out to dinner. However, this is because throughout the marriage, I used to tell him that this is what men do in Europe. I always feel he does it more for the kids to see than actually for me. I run after him for attention like a lap dog all the time as he spends all his free time on his phone and even when I talk to him, he never makes any eye contact with me. He will just stare at his phone. He had all his passwords on his phone, email and facebook changed as he says that this is his life and he can do whatever he likes.
I just feel hurt and stupid, like a lap dog all the time. He always uses me to fill forms, read things and talk to people over the phone as his accent is so strong and he will not be bothered to try to make people understand him. He can't be bothered to type anything either and just gets me to do it. The only real time that he calls me 'love' is if people are around or his family comes over to visit. He smiles then but proceed to speak his own language for hours on end with them. I do understand he needs to do this though but I feel like such a spare tool.
I think I will ring a womens shelter to ask advice on where I could possible get some help. I have suffered this so long that it is normal for me. My eldest daughter has become very abusive at times to me insulting me and such, although she is 16 years old so I cannot assume that it is because of my relationship with her Dad. My two eldest daughters have said they would support me many times if I left him.
Good luck, and be careful! Make sure he cannot/does not see these posts. Don't ever leave this window open on your computer or phone.
I won't horseshoe. I log out and then delete the email notifications. Thanks. Thank you for your advice. You have made me understand that having a career and realising that my dream job in nursing does not excuse me for living my life with my eyes 'wide shut' when it comes to my relationship. I have to face up to issues and try to rectify them or indeed move on with my life!!.
You say your daughter has become abusive, too. She learned it from watching her father. She has learned from both of you that it is OK to treat you that way, that you will take it and defend your abuser.
Please consider that while making your decisions. You are teaching your children that it is OK to be abused and to abuse others.
I hope you are able to get free of this situation you are in. You have been beaten down for so long that I know it is hard for you to believe that you are worth more, but you are.
Those small feelings that you have that you are worthy, that you are smart, and that you are capable, are the pieces of you he hasn't managed to damage. Hold on to those small pieces, feed them with positive thoughts about yourself, and they will grow.
I am not saying that your husband is the only one to blame in this, because you have played your part, but only you can change this situation.
Let this be the catalyst you need to get yourself out of this demeaning relationship. For your sake, and for your children's sake. Be an example of strength for them. Also, in a small way, do this for your husband's sake. He needs to grow and learn that what he is doing is NOT OK.
I was pretty much in your shoes 25 years ago......... I even had to leave the country to get away from him. Leave and get some counselling..... Life is too short to live this way.
Both my daughters are now strong independent women, I am a strong independent woman....I pay my own bills and I answer to no one. Love and light to you
I was pretty much in your shoes 25 years ago......... I even had to leave the country to get away from him. Leave and get some counselling..... Life is too short to live this way.
Both my daughters are now strong independent women, I am a strong independent woman....I pay my own bills and I answer to no one. Love and light to you
Please tell me how you did it?. Did you bring your daughters or plan for long time in advance?. I need to get a job and form some savings as I have none whatsoever and start to save. You are so courageous and I am in awe of you. It must have been so hard. xx
I am having problems here understanding why Ireland has a huge nursing shortage. Isn't Ireland a part of the EU? A few years ago the Irish Nursing Board was discouraging applications by charging people a hundred Euros to "pre-screen" applicants prior to their application to the Nursing Board.
Horseshoe, BSN, RN
5,879 Posts
If your husband won't go to counseling (I suspect he knows a strong therapist will call him out on his behavior and he doesn't want to lose control or lose your "respect" for his position as head of the house to be obeyed) GO WITHOUT HIM. I cannot stress this enough. You can still benefit immensely from counseling on your own.
I want you to think about this: you may think you are doing your kids a favor by staying with this man until they are grown, but what you are actually doing is harming them, possibly irreparably, by modeling that it's normal and okay for a woman to be abused by her husband. Daughters will think this is normal and go on to be abused themselves, and sons will come to believe this is how they should behave with their future partners. Is this what you want for your children?