I'm a new grad, who graduated last May and passed the NCLEX in July.
I have been able to land 3 different nursing jobs, but lost them all due to my interactions with my coworkers. My skills are top notch, including time management. I just seem to always say something that offends someone or ask the wrong thing when I shouldn't. Of course, nothing I say is meant to be rude or harmful, yet it keeps happening and I no longer know what to do.
I have alright struck out with the two major hospitals in my town. I have an on call position at a nursing home, but I have been talked to about my actions there as well.
My patients never complain. My work is always through. I love being a nurse, but I'm starting to get frustrated. The last job I lost was a job with the company that I wanted to work for for the rest of my life. I feel so down.
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
I posted this not too long ago, so here's a repost...
To start things off, I used to have a major problem with interpersonal skills and ended up turning people off at the workplace throughout my working career (from age 16 onward). I lacked awareness of what was wrong until I was almost 30 years old.
My best friend, who has worked alongside me at several facilities, told me about five years ago, "Coworkers like me because I know how to play the game. I can stroke people's feelings to get them to like me. I pretend to enjoy their company and give compliments, even though the person receiving the compliment might smell bad or be ugly. When people have the choice between a phony person and a truthful person, they will almost always pick the phony because most people cannot handle the truth. I'm a phony and you're the real deal. People cannot handle the real deal, which is the reason why people do not like you as much."
I replied, "That seems like kissing ass. I can't stoop to that level, even if it means I never build good workplace relationships like you." My friend simply shrugged and said, "It is what it is!"
To the OP: my workplace interaction issues disappeared almost overnight once I began to play the game. Playing the game requires a repertoire of interpersonal skills, charm, sociability, and the likeability factor. You must learn to play the game. You must present a certain image of yourself while in the workplace and, unfortunately, act as if you enjoy the company of coworkers whom you might personally dislike.
It took many years for me to realize that we work with some pathetically lonely people who look for validation at the workplace because they never get it in their personal lives. Thus, when you act relieved that a coworker arrived to work safely even though you're irritated that she always come 15 minutes late, you're validating her existence. If you thank your manager for all that she does for you, you're validating her very existence although she might be the crappiest manager in the world.
Play the game. My workplace problems disappeared into thin air once I learned how to play the game effectively.
I absolutely agree with what The Commuter said, but I have to add, if you do it long enough you will really start to believe what you are saying. It will become the truth and no longer be phony.
I used to think that small talk and being chatty with coworkers was a waste of time while wondering why nobody would help me out (I would think "it's their JOB! We are helping PATIENTS!") and now that I have learned how to play nice, they will work with me and the patients get service. Most of the time, anyway.
I have similar problems, though I haven't ever been fired over them, because of autism spectrum issues. My solution has been to work in-home care/home health type positions where I'm one-on-one with the client or clients. It never seems to be the clients who get offended, and this way the short amount of time I do spend around coworkers isn't enough for them to get offended over something, so it's worked well. I certainly don't set out to offend coworkers, but sometimes something just plain comes out wrong or something is taken in a way that I absolutely never intended it. It's just a hazard of being on the spectrum that I've had to learn to work around.
I have worked with an excellent PA who has been run off from multiple positions in our community She had excellent training. I always overlooked her brash communication, but others would not. Many moons ago I was the Director of Multiple departments, and my DON told me I should read the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. I was in my early 30s, I opened it, read a bit and thought it was the biggest bunch of BS ever. About two years after she fired me I actually read the book, and it changed a lot of the techniques I use in interpersonal relationships. I dont buy into all of it, but there are lots of people in business who will tell you it helped them. I did send her a note after all that time telling her I had read it and appreciated what she was trying to teach me, and in the process mended a relationship with a small compliment!
1) Seek out a counselor who specializes in interpersonal skills. This can be hit or miss, you may have to try a couple of therapists before you hit the jackpot, but once you do, you'll learn so much.
2) Do you have a trusted friend or family member, with whom you can confide? If so, ask them about this. They may give you some insight into specific behaviors or instances where you come across as rude, uncaring, whatever. If this is a person you are around a lot, ask them to work out a signal with you; when you say something or do something that would be off-putting or rude to others, they give you the signal, and it gives you the opportunity to examine the situation while still in the moment. My husband has used this technique successfully many times in his classroom, with students who are typically on the autism spectrum and lack social skills, the ability to read social cues, and/or have repetitive, unhelpful behaviors. He gives the student very specific feedback as to what the behavior is, why it is not acceptable, and what he (and society, ultimately) expect. For example, he had a student who would interrupt and comment at EVERY OPPORTUNITY. As in, hundreds of comments and questions in a 50 minute class period. Whenever the student had a question or comment, he was to raise his hand. When my husband looked at him and raised his eyebrows, the student was to think if he what he was going to say really and truly was applicable and necessary to the class. It dropped him down to only asking questions or making comments about 20-50 x an hour, which was a vast improvement. The point is, find someone (or someones) who can help you recognize the situations AS YOU ARE IN THEM, so that you can evaluate what you are doing and how it is being perceived while you are in the moment. It can be helpful to later ask them for their input as to that situation, and how you should have handled it differently.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
My best friend, who has worked alongside me at several facilities, told me about five years ago, "Coworkers like me because I know how to play the game. I can stroke people's feelings to get them to like me. I pretend to enjoy their company and give compliments, even though the person receiving the compliment might smell bad or be ugly. When people have the choice between a phony person and a truthful person, they will almost always pick the phony because most people cannot handle the truth. I'm a phony and you're the real deal. People cannot handle the real deal, which is the reason why people do not like you as much."
Most people will say they want the real deal, but when it comes right down to it, they don't. Most people say they'd prefer to get negative feedback straight up. They really don't want that, either. Most people cannot handle unvarnished truth. It took a real friend to tell you this, and it took a real strong (and smart) person to take the advice and learn from it.
Years ago, a good friend and coworker told me that I got so many negative responses from coworkers because I was coming across as angry all the time. When I took that advice home and really thought about it, I realized that I WAS angry all the time. I had good reason to be angry, but my coworkers didn't know -- or care about that. With further reflection, I realized that was a miserable way to be, and I didn't want to live like that all the time. Counseling helped. Not the first counselor, but the third. I can still be "the real deal," but I don't make that mistake as often anymore. By an enormous factor!
If you've been fired twice and are in trouble in a third job, it's a serious problem. Perhaps it's time to consult the professionals. Counseling is scary (and costs money) but it is worth it to address a problem that causes you so many problems. Go for it!
"Coworkers like me because I know how to play the game. I can stroke people's feelings to get them to like me. I pretend to enjoy their company and give compliments, even though the person receiving the compliment might smell bad or be ugly. When people have the choice between a phony person and a truthful person, they will almost always pick the phony because most people cannot handle the truth. I'm a phony and you're the real deal. People cannot handle the real deal, which is the reason why people do not like you as much."
Personally, I found that my years of acting in community theatre was a big help! By playing the role of a friendly, outgoing, team-playing nurse, I was able to place things in context and make it through the day. No one but our closest friends and family are interested in our real lives and personalities, and expecting warm fuzzies for REAL at work is setting oneself up for disappointment and frustration. So I smile and nod and listen to people talk about things that bore me silly (shopping, reality TV, celebrety antics) to be polite, and then go home and talk to my husband, take a bath, and read a good book. Those I care about know me, and for everyone else I get along as part of the game.
You thought "Game of Thrones" was full of crazy and self-centered people and lots of backstabbing? Sadly, so is the game of "work"........and it is true: It IS what it IS!!
Most people will say they want the real deal, but when it comes right down to it, they don't. Most people say they'd prefer to get negative feedback straight up. They really don't want that, either. Most people cannot handle unvarnished truth. It took a real friend to tell you this, and it took a real strong (and smart) person to take the advice and learn from it.
Years ago, a good friend and coworker told me that I got so many negative responses from coworkers because I was coming across as angry all the time. When I took that advice home and really thought about it, I realized that I WAS angry all the time. I had good reason to be angry, but my coworkers didn't know -- or care about that. With further reflection, I realized that was a miserable way to be, and I didn't want to live like that all the time. Counseling helped. Not the first counselor, but the third. I can still be "the real deal," but I don't make that mistake as often anymore. By an enormous factor!
If you've been fired twice and are in trouble in a third job, it's a serious problem. Perhaps it's time to consult the professionals. Counseling is scary (and costs money) but it is worth it to address a problem that causes you so many problems. Go for it!
Thank you for your advice! I just want to say, not that I'm justifying anything, but it's been two years since I was fired and had a job inbetween where I had no issues. My new job I'm obviously having some bumps in fitting in. I've had to do a lot of soul searching the last couple of days which is always really hard. It's so much easier to whine and shift blame, there are so many nurses I work with who are beyond inappropriate to each other and rude to the point of yelling and swearing at pts, without any consequences. I just need to learn to play the game and not be so desperate to fit in and get people to like me. Realizing that you're your own roadblock and worst enemy is really hard. But I'm going to change and be better. Thank you everyone for your advice!
Social interactions can be difficult for a number of reasons, as is not having a filter, however, the level in which you are describing being fired over it is troubling. I would see a professional to talk about appropriate interactions with co-workers. This is a learned behavior, and you can learn what is professional and what is not.
Your professional self needs to learn how to have a filter. If this is affecting other areas of your life, you may want to speak to someone at your local autism support center. I am NOT suggesting you have autism, however, they have many references for professionals who specialize in communication issues that are for both adults and kids.
And as I have said before I throughly enjoy a lively debate, a sarcastic wit, and irony. However, not while I am at work. Save that for your like minded friends. Because at work I may think you are hysterical, but unprofessional--and that has to come first at work.
Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.
Can you make it allow me to send PM messages?
And thank you for the advice. I know all the things you said, the problem is I have no idea when I'm going to do something wrong. I wish there was someone like you who I could work with that would help me.
You can PM me for I am an admin and the membership can contact me any time
I have never been fired for communication issues, but I certainly have been talked to.
A friend turned me on to this little trick: Whenever anyone asks me to do something (waste narcotics, help move a patient, ANYthing) I reply, "Sure, I'd be happy to!", bounce out of my seat if I'm seated and smile my way through whatever the request was. I am now known as relentlessly cheerful and helpful. It takes no more effort to ssay "I'd be happy to" than "Yes" but it makes a powerful impression.
TheCommuter, BSN, RN
102 Articles; 27,612 Posts
I posted this not too long ago, so here's a repost...
To start things off, I used to have a major problem with interpersonal skills and ended up turning people off at the workplace throughout my working career (from age 16 onward). I lacked awareness of what was wrong until I was almost 30 years old.
My best friend, who has worked alongside me at several facilities, told me about five years ago, "Coworkers like me because I know how to play the game. I can stroke people's feelings to get them to like me. I pretend to enjoy their company and give compliments, even though the person receiving the compliment might smell bad or be ugly. When people have the choice between a phony person and a truthful person, they will almost always pick the phony because most people cannot handle the truth. I'm a phony and you're the real deal. People cannot handle the real deal, which is the reason why people do not like you as much."
I replied, "That seems like kissing ass. I can't stoop to that level, even if it means I never build good workplace relationships like you." My friend simply shrugged and said, "It is what it is!"
To the OP: my workplace interaction issues disappeared almost overnight once I began to play the game. Playing the game requires a repertoire of interpersonal skills, charm, sociability, and the likeability factor. You must learn to play the game. You must present a certain image of yourself while in the workplace and, unfortunately, act as if you enjoy the company of coworkers whom you might personally dislike.
It took many years for me to realize that we work with some pathetically lonely people who look for validation at the workplace because they never get it in their personal lives. Thus, when you act relieved that a coworker arrived to work safely even though you're irritated that she always come 15 minutes late, you're validating her existence. If you thank your manager for all that she does for you, you're validating her very existence although she might be the crappiest manager in the world.
Play the game. My workplace problems disappeared into thin air once I learned how to play the game effectively.