I know I should know this, I'll be a NP in December, but I am so mad right now I can not think.
I am scheduled for my repeat scope (EGD) on the 25th, a follow-up from the fiasco last month where I had a bleeding ulcer, lost 6 pints of blood, and almost died.
My husband knows this is scheduled, knows I'm nervous, and in his infinite wisdom, has chosen to do the absolute most inhuman, awful, stress-inducing thing he could.
He has invited my mother-in-law for the weekend before the scope. He initially said she would just come for Saturday, we would go for a meal, she would leave, "and she won't be in your hair for very long". Now he has changed it. She will be spending the night. He's even talking about not working that Sunday (if he worked, she would go home early).
I cannot stand my mother in law. I have tried to be nice since I have known her, but it has gotten to the point that I can not stand to be in the same room with her. She has psych issues (MAJOR bipolar) that she refuses to get help for. She alternately resembles a Chihuahua on speed, to be immediately followed by a crying jag. She punctuates every sentence with a Pillsbury Doughboy-like, high pitched little-girl giggle and a clap of her hands. Drives me crazy.
This was partly to blame for my condition, I feel, simply because of the stress. My husband accused me of being lazy and acting out because I did not like his family when I began manifesting s/s of the blood loss. His tune changed after I puked blood and passed out on him. He has not said anything like that since.
So, on the weekend that I need peace and quiet the most, I am going to be forced to put up with a dingbat who does not have the sense God gave a radish. Hubby's school of thought is that, since they (his mom and brother) finished packing up the vacation house after the ambulance took me away, I should put up with everything, like his brother as an every-weekend houseguest who leaves wet towels on my carpet, spit cups all over, and does not have the common decency to clean up after himself, and his mother as well, who, by all accounts, should be receiving inpatient treatment.
this is definitely my biggest stressor. Short of a divorce (and I do not want that), I don't know what to do. I guess I should feel bad for feeling like this, but I'm hoping you fellow daughters in law can sympathize.
if angel's hubby agrees to postpone the visit, angel will still be subject to the stress of her mil.
i'm trying to give a realistic response.
to suggest to angel, "you tell hubby, NO MORE VISITS FROM THAT WOMAN", to me, is not going to happen at this point.
maybe someday it will.
but given the fact that angel isn't feeling very well, i'm thinking she'll defer any battles to a later date, when she's feeling stronger and has had a chance to think through any strategic negotiations.
Might I be honest with you? The closest hotel is 15 miles away...I don't feel like dealing with him...yada, yada. You are making excuses. DH is choosing his Mommy over you and ruining your health in the process. If he won't go to therapy you certainly need to. Not because you're crazy but because you care too much. Start by buying the book "The Language of Letting Go" it should be your bible.
Nip it in the bud now or you'll be living this stress the rest of your life which may be cut short by DH and his Mommy.
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh..." He's not living up to his end of his wedding vows.
I don't mean to "pile on", but Binkie is right on the money here.
If your hubby isn't supportive of your serious health issues, what will he be supportive of? (The answer of course, is nothing.)
Please stand up for yourself regardless of what you believe will be said about you. Then work on insisting that your husband stand up for you as well.
if angel's hubby agrees to postpone the visit, angel will still be subject to the stress of her mil.
i'm trying to give a realistic response.
to suggest to angel, "you tell hubby, NO MORE VISITS FROM THAT WOMAN", to me, is not going to happen at this point.
maybe someday it will.
but given the fact that angel isn't feeling very well, i'm thinking she'll defer any battles to a later date, when she's feeling stronger and has had a chance to think through any strategic negotiations.
leslie
He's not going to agree to postpone the visit, he's a bully. Over time she won't get stronger in this situation only more co-dependent and the time for action is now while the issue is hot. She didn't say she was currently having bleeding issues but that she has an appointment for an EGD. Why can't she stand up for herself now? Why can't she put her foot down? It's her house too.
Being realistic is the only option for her at this point but no one can do it for her she, has to be the one to see what the problem is and deal with it appropriately which does not include putting off a visit until she feels more able to deal with it (her MIL) but rather putting a stop to any visits, period.
He's a bully, he's putting his Mommy's feelings over her's and over her health, he is emotionally abusing her and controlling her. If you're reading this Angelfire feel free to PM me. Been there, lived it and it can have a happy ending which includes remaining married and more happily than ever.
She sounds drained. It's hard to fight the fight when your feeling so darn low. If you can't fight it head on, then go get that hotel room, turn your cell off, and concentrate on you (which it sounds as if you don't do). Most of us know how difficult relationships are, but you have to learn to set all of that aside and concentrate on what makes you happy. You would think becoming the primary bread winner, he'd be kissing the ground you walk on, not kicking you trying to keep any power he has over you. You know what your marriage is all about and I hope that you will find peace. If mil is bipolar, maybe dear husband has some issues too. Growing up in that house could not have been easy.
Fact is, you don't like the woman and she's coming. Who cares if your the bad guy (I'm sure theres been plenty of talk about you anyway). Leave for the weekend (seriously a hotel), have a good cry, and then have some fun (relax, watch a movie, whatever). Put yourself first, nobody else will.
Oh yikes, angelfire! Please go have a relaxing weekend when MIL comes to visit. Yep, hotwire and priceline have some great deals. Really treat yourself to some R&R. You so deserve it!
is this really a good marriage for you?.....just a question you might need to look into. given a hotel is not an option i'd get a lock on my bedroom door, curl up in bed and watch movies......all by myself.......blame it on the pre-procedure drugs that can wipe you out for the entire weekend! on the brighter side, being drugged might make the visit more tolerable.....lol if you are truly outspoken then you shouldn't have any problem with calling in bro to pick up his wet towels or his spit cups......maid's off this weekend.......
Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP.
Thanks to all that have responded. Y'all are right. I am making excuses. I don't feel very well, and am not up to my usual fighting weight, so to speak.
Hubby had to pick me up this morning after the a/c in my car threw craps and I took it in to be fixed. We had a talk, which he does not know is a precursor to the one we will be having after I finish coughing up the pipe snake on Monday.
He IS working Sunday, so she will go home early, thank God. We're not holy-rolling, Bible-thumping, there-every-time-the-doors-are-open churchgoers, and she is, so that helps.
As far as the abuse, well, lets just say he tries. He usually gets rewarded with a withering look, but he tries. I'll never forget the first time he tried to act all big and bad in fron of his parents....I backed him up against the wall. I'm part Irish and part German, I did not have a prayer when it came to temper. He's had it a couple of times, he does not like it, and he does not want it again.
He has never raised a hand to me, because he knows I'd kill him. Well, I'd have to get in line, Daddy would beat me to it, I guarantee. A friend who is a third degree black belt taught me well.
Do I think he has psych issues? Heavens, yes, I do. He acts like more like his Mama every day. He's all the time telling me that she used to be on "liquid Valium", and the he "was raised by a farmer", and then denying he ever said it. Thank God I have a photographic memory.
The BIL is better. I told hubby either he could speak to him or I would, and I don't care who I make mad. Hubby said he would take care of it. BIL used our house as a cover for his affair a few years back (told his wife he was there, when he was not), and has only recently been given priveliges again. Now, the spit cups are thrown away, and the bed is made. The wet towel on my carpet will either be picked up by BIL or my hubby from now on, I am no longer running a B&B.
I'll keep you posted as to further developments....I'll be all right. He knows what he's got and does not want to louse it up. I hate to sound snotty, but when I am the one who will be making his dream beach house a reality, I think I deserve a bit more respect, and, blast it, I'm going to get it!
Hmmm, I just do not like what I am feeling as I read this thread.
It seems as if you are so in love with him you are willing to take emotional abuse from your husband. "He knows what he's got and does not want to louse it up." ...."I am the one who will be making his dream beach house a reality".
Honestly, Angel this is not healthy. It seems as if you are holding $$$ over his head to mold him into staying compliant.
My husband and I are a partnership, 50/50. If our relationship ever progressed to the point where he felt like he could treat me like crap because I don't want to lose out on his income and what it can do for me...then it just would not be a marriage I would want to continue.
My dh is an attorney and I am a nurse, obviously my paycheck pales in comparison. But never, never would he use this as leverage.
A beach house won't buy you respect.
Please take care of yourself. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Good luck with the procedure and give an update for us!
all i'm saying is some people need time to prepare for these either/or ultimatums.
and angel, being the intelligent person that she is, will work it out when/how she sees fit.
rome wasn't built in a day.
leslie
AngelFire,
Just do what you need to do to get through this experience. Again, I would reach out to supportive family and friends. I don't have kids, so if a friend called me needing some support then I would gladly 'call out' to do what I can to help. People can't support you if they do not know that you need some help and TLC.
And sometimes, the most unlikely people may help you.
and angel, being the intelligent person that she is, will work it out when/how she sees fit.
rome wasn't built in a day.
leslie
When I think "rome wasn't built in a day" I think of their marriage and how it's gotten to the point that it has. Abusive. So yes rome wasn't built in a day but it did fall in a day. Sept 4th.
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leslie :-D
11,191 Posts
if angel's hubby agrees to postpone the visit, angel will still be subject to the stress of her mil.
i'm trying to give a realistic response.
to suggest to angel, "you tell hubby, NO MORE VISITS FROM THAT WOMAN", to me, is not going to happen at this point.
maybe someday it will.
but given the fact that angel isn't feeling very well, i'm thinking she'll defer any battles to a later date, when she's feeling stronger and has had a chance to think through any strategic negotiations.
leslie