I know I should know this, I'll be a NP in December, but I am so mad right now I can not think.
I am scheduled for my repeat scope (EGD) on the 25th, a follow-up from the fiasco last month where I had a bleeding ulcer, lost 6 pints of blood, and almost died.
My husband knows this is scheduled, knows I'm nervous, and in his infinite wisdom, has chosen to do the absolute most inhuman, awful, stress-inducing thing he could.
He has invited my mother-in-law for the weekend before the scope. He initially said she would just come for Saturday, we would go for a meal, she would leave, "and she won't be in your hair for very long". Now he has changed it. She will be spending the night. He's even talking about not working that Sunday (if he worked, she would go home early).
I cannot stand my mother in law. I have tried to be nice since I have known her, but it has gotten to the point that I can not stand to be in the same room with her. She has psych issues (MAJOR bipolar) that she refuses to get help for. She alternately resembles a Chihuahua on speed, to be immediately followed by a crying jag. She punctuates every sentence with a Pillsbury Doughboy-like, high pitched little-girl giggle and a clap of her hands. Drives me crazy.
This was partly to blame for my condition, I feel, simply because of the stress. My husband accused me of being lazy and acting out because I did not like his family when I began manifesting s/s of the blood loss. His tune changed after I puked blood and passed out on him. He has not said anything like that since.
So, on the weekend that I need peace and quiet the most, I am going to be forced to put up with a dingbat who does not have the sense God gave a radish. Hubby's school of thought is that, since they (his mom and brother) finished packing up the vacation house after the ambulance took me away, I should put up with everything, like his brother as an every-weekend houseguest who leaves wet towels on my carpet, spit cups all over, and does not have the common decency to clean up after himself, and his mother as well, who, by all accounts, should be receiving inpatient treatment.
this is definitely my biggest stressor. Short of a divorce (and I do not want that), I don't know what to do. I guess I should feel bad for feeling like this, but I'm hoping you fellow daughters in law can sympathize.
Hmmm, I just do not like what I am feeling as I read this thread.
It seems as if you are so in love with him you are willing to take emotional abuse from your husband. "He knows what he's got and does not want to louse it up." ...."I am the one who will be making his dream beach house a reality".
Honestly, Angel this is not healthy. It seems as if you are holding $$$ over his head to mold him into staying compliant.
My husband and I are a partnership, 50/50. If our relationship ever progressed to the point where he felt like he could treat me like crap because I don't want to lose out on his income and what it can do for me...then it just would not be a marriage I would want to continue.
My dh is an attorney and I am a nurse, obviously my paycheck pales in comparison. But never, never would he use this as leverage.
A beach house won't buy you respect.
Please take care of yourself. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Good luck with the procedure and give an update for us!
When I think "rome wasn't built in a day" I think of their marriage and how it's gotten to the point that it has. Abusive. So yes rome wasn't built in a day but it did fall in a day. Sept 4th.
Agreed. One thousand and one percent.
:nurse:However, there is a time to advise and a time to comfort. There is a time for some hard 'sister talk' and a time for unconditional support.
:rolleyes:This is a time to offer comfort and for unconditional support.
Please do whatever you can to avoid stress this weekend.
Then do whatever it takes to fix your physical health.
Then, please, please, please, do what it takes to fix your emotional health.
Your DH sounds like an "emotional bully" to me. I am married to one now. I was married to another one before. (Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it - here I am!!)
I have been to therapy during this marriage. I learned how to live with him and deflect his emotional garbage he tried to inflict on me. I made the informed decision to stay, and the changes I made in me did cause some changes in him.
Please, just take of yourself, and let dh and his mom and bro go to the devil!! If they can't be supportive, then get away from them.
After reading your posts I can see why you ended up almost dying. You are living with way too much stress and you need to find a solution when you are feeling stronger. Your hubby is passive aggressive and it isn't helping your health any. Sometimes being alone is a better option. I'm so sorry he is pulling this crap now when you need it the least.
I'd either flat out tell him she can't come that weekend because you aren't up to it physically and emotionally OR tell him if she comes you will be staying in a hotel because your health is too precarious right now not to do so. If he cries and carries on like a baby...let him. If he threatens to make you the bad guy with his mother...let him. If he wants his mommy to come and commiserate with her over his big bad wife...let him. You concentrate on you and your health as need be. That's most important right now. Sending prayers your way.
I just found this thread. This is the best advice I've seen, I can't say it better. Your health is much more important than feeding into the dysfunction and drama. I do hope you feel better. Please do whatever is necessary to protect your health. Your MIL does sound like a real piece of work. There is a very good book out there called "Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry, controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft that has real good advice for dealing men who try to abuse. If you get it, I highly recommend hiding it so it doesn't "disappear". I hope everything works out for you.
Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP.
SHE AIN'T COMING, SHE AIN'T COMING, SHE AIN'T COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Decided to go out of state for some reason. Hubby swears he did not say anything to her about me wanting a quiet weekend, and I don't care if he did. We had it out about him inviting her without asking me, and he is now going to tell BIL to pick up his wet towels. This was after I told him that I would be purchasing a laundry basket for that bedroom and hanging a sign over it that explained its purpose in minute detail. He would then be responsible for laundering the sheets and towels his brother uses, as well as cleaning the guest bathroom, which I usually do, whether it gets used or not, just to keep tidy.
He chose to talk to him about where dirty towels go. (Hit him where it hurts, that boy HATES to do laundry).
As to my MIL, well, I can not avoid her forever, but I won this battle, and hubby is well aware now that that little "invite, then tell" tactic does not fly, ever again. He needed money and tried to wheedle me and tell me that marriage was supposed to be a team effort. My response was that if he wanted it that way, it would be that way ALL the time, not just when he wanted something, and used the MIL as an example. He apologized. He still thinks it won't hurt me to have to put up with her, but at least he acknowledged that what he did was underhanded.
I'll take a small victory. I had had a bad day, had told off the dean at school, had told off my boss at work, so I figured I'd make it 3 for 3.
We'll see how long he lasts before he lapses and needs another seminar. Thanks, everyone, for listening to me gripe and all your advice. I do appreciate it.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to run naked through the front yard. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
I am glad this is working out for you, but the whole concept of 'he needed money' is wrong. You are his wife and and money needs should go through his partner (you), not his mom.
Make him take you for a massage and have him rub your tootsies this weekend. Demand that he take the morning/day off work to be with you. If he won't do those simple things, then go to Mom/Dad or a sibling/best friend for the weekend. What hubby won't do to care for you, your family of origin or friends will.
Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP.
No, no.....we are pouring a pad to the new garage...he wanted to take money from my savings to pay for it, and he would put it back after his payday, only I need that money to pay bills since I was unable to work for a month. I am working now and will be able to put back in soon, but I did not have the means to spot that kind of money at this time. He never said anything about borrowing from Mama. She doesn't have it either.
I'm happy that you have your house to yourself. I know it must be difficult for you to hear so much advice telling you what you should be doing. Relationships are not often 50/50 at all times. I hope your good outweighs your bad and hopefully your hubby will realize what he's got before its too late. I wish you the very best in health and happiness. :heartbeat
Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP.
Well, my EGD was today. The ulcer is healed, but apparently I have Barrett's esophagus. Doc left a list of foods not to eat, namely coffee, which I never have liked, orange juice, which is bad, since I liked it, but the killer was no soda and no tomato sauce
I am not a soda feind, I drink maybe 2 a day, WAY better than I used to be, and the tomato sauce, OH GOD......I eat, sleep and breathe Italian food. And now they are saying none. I thought I'd be glad that the ulcer was gone. But this is no way to live.
I promised y'all an update, and I wish it was better. I think I may go to bed now. Anyone with Barrett's esophagus, or that knows about it, that wants to weigh in, feel free. I'm not asking for medical advice, just survival stories. I could use some good news. Thanks.
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BinkieRN, BSN, RN
486 Posts
Excellent Post!